Hairdryers and Rifles

The waters had now completely receded and Princess Leah was planning her next flame throwing exercise. It would need to be with the co-operation of the local natives as we'd need to make sure the native fauna still had enough habitat to survive and build up numbers to be sustainably harvested. It was all part of our natural resource management plan and we'd need some co-ordinated "patchwork" burning.

The vegetation would take off for the next month and we'd do some cool burns before it dried out and became dangerously dry over the winter and leading into the next summer. Last autumn we had to engage Mav and Goose to spray fire retardant over some major bushfires as we fought them from the ground with the locals.

The mosquito problem was worse than ever and I was busy distilling some Pyrethrin for use by us and the villagers. Brisbane City Council had agreed to buy a heap off us for use by the local villagers.

Lamb and Dukie had spent all day in town getting some new weapons from our black market sources. With the fires that we were about to light there would be loads of feral pigs that would come from the bush. If we lit the fires at the right time with the wind direction and us in the right place we could just take aim as the pigs came running from the flames.

Lamb had asked "Black Jack" to source some .308 calibre Remingtons for us. These had Winchester Optics rifle scopes and we were unlikley to miss. It was going to be fun as Lamb had agreed that she'd let us all join in the hunt this year. It was all in the name of feral animal control and environmental management so I had no problem with guns and violence.

Lamb arrived home and said "we got those pharkn Lamingtons for us Lukie." I couldn't work out why she'd have cakes with her but then I realised it was her English letting her down and she had meant the "Remingtons".

We all went down the back of the mud pile that was the jungle with long pants and shirts on to keep the mosquitos off and started some target practice. Lamb was helping us all with these new weapons.

"HolyPharkn feral pig" screamed Dukie as she let off the first shot. She didn't expect the kickback from the Remington and it fair knocked her over.

"Stand up and fight like a real woman" screamed Lamb. Lamb didn't suffer fools and had a wicked wog mouth on her.

Princess Leah helped Dukie up out of the mud and we continued with our training.

We had a few hours of training with the rifles. Lamb was adamant that she wouldn't let any of us go out to shoot if we couldn't get a charging boar or sow with a first shot. This would take a few weeks of practice.

Lamb had also stopped at some of the villages along the way and asked the natives to join us. It was cool as Slim had made his way after finishing the kayaking over at Camp Camp. He had his brothers "Pumpkin", "Purple" and "HD". I had no idea how they all got their names except for "HD".

HD was short for "HairDryer." HD spent all day doing his hair as it was so beautiful. Whenever we met he came up and said "Yo Lukie, brother, love your do". Apparently the Lukie Skywalker hair was something special as it stood up all by itself. HD was always trying to get my secret hair product recipe but it honestly just comes naturally. I think it was something to do with spending all day thinking crazy thoughts that made my hair want to get as far from my brain as it could.

Apparently Pumpkin was given his name because he always won the pumpkin scone competition at the Ekka. Purple was always wearing purple as it was his favourite colour as they explained to us that day.

So us and the brothers stood out the back and fired off a couple of hundred rounds and rarely missed. Camilla and Honoruru were the standouts as they hit the targets we had set up every time.

We walked back inside and Princess grabbed the fishing gear. With the waters flowing so fast out to sea the Barramundi would be running and she wanted to catch us dinner. Princess and Dukie and the brothers took off in some of the dugouts down the Mighty River and said they'd be back. They took a few 4064 Squadron beers and said they'd be back with dinner.

I went back into the Labia and checked on the still. It was working a treat.

Camilla went back to working on the zoo animals.

Lamb started pulling apart the new rifles and cleaning them.

When Princess and Dukie and the brothers returned they had half the local village with them and a heap of "Barra".

We thought there is no time like the present and we all jumped into boats or dugouts and took off up the river to the high country. We had an hour left of darkness and we got the dry area.

We lit some big fires and got some smoke action happening. That kept the mossies away.

I had some saucepans boiling with water and rice.

Then Princess and the brothers put the Barramundi on whole to bake in the coals.

Dukie had made some gluten free bread the day before that we had grabbed before we left the Tree House.

Lamb had made some rocket, tomato and mozarella salad. Honororuru had grabbed some laksa paste, coconut milk, coriander, snow peas and made a sauce. WE had a feast.

We fed a whole village with a few fishes and a few loaves of bread. It was a night of biblical proportions.

The kids and the men from the village put on a Corroboree after dinner.

I looked over and through the campfire light I could see Camilla crying. I walked over and gave her a hug.

"The 4064 Squadron is everything I have heard and more than I could have imagined Lukie. I love you all" she said.

I knew what she was thinking. There are some very simple things that you can experience in your life that are wonderful. If you start with a bit of respect for the people around you and traditional cultures and the land you are temporarily responsible for it can bring you great happiness.

We stayed out at camp that night and enjoyed each others company. The locals needed some medicines, a school and some assistance with business ventures. Honoruru and I would help with all of that. We needed help with some sustainable building projects and who better to ask than the natives? We all need one another.

Goodnight everyone,

Lukie

XXXX

Pashing a Panda

The waters were starting to recede rapidly and now we'd have a few days of mosquito hell. I could see that we'd be needing some rapid brewing of Pyrethrin in the Labia.

The chemical companies would be selling a whole heap of toxic crud to Brisbane City Council and all the businesses in town and the last thing I wanted was any of that near us or the villagers. Pyrethrin might not be as effective but it doesn't hurt the environment either.

I went out and started to get stuff up out of the remaining floodwaters and put them on the shelves. I cleaned out some glassware and got the still working again. Lucky Princess had only just finished a harvest of plants to extract the pyrethrin from. They were drying in the roof of the Tree House and they would be ready by now.

I raced back inside to start getting things ready for some soorious distilling.

Camilla had stayed over last night as their was too much going on with unloading the Ark and we needed help. Camilla was a veterinarian in her native home of Mexico before she moved over here to Brisvegas and it looked her skills would come in handy.

Apparently she hadn't told the girls this at the interview as she didn't want to appear overqualified for the position of cleaner. She so desperately wanted to join the 4064 Squadron that she would clean the Tree House if that is what it took to get inside.

Apparently back in Mexico she had worked at the zoologico de chapultepec, or Mexico Zoo. She was in charge of the giraffe section as she was a specialist in neck therapy for giraffes. There is a job for everyone, I am convinced.

A few years ago she left Mexico after it was found out that her three brothers had committed serious crimes and she was targetted as well. I didn't ask what the crimes were as we'd find out sooner or later. She said she had changed her name as well and back in Mexico she was "Dr Camilla Dolittle". I just can't believe some of the things that go on in the Tree House. Honestly, who would have thought?

So Dr Dolittle was busy writing a list of medicines and instruments she would need if she was going to be the Tree House Vet with all these new animals. I told her not to worry about whether anything would be hard to get or too expensive as Honoruru, Princess Leah and Dukie can source anything.

Princess Leah and Dukie were asleep still after the big trip. I felt like waking them up to make them help us clean and look after all of these animals. We had two crocodiles in the pharkn kitchen for gods sake.

Lamb walked in to the kitchen without thinking what was in there.

I heard a massive scream and then the sound of Lamb laying the boot into one of them. "Get out of my way you pharkn overgrown pharkn lizards" she said. Two six foot long crocodiles in the kitchen would be enough to scare anyone. But not our Lamb.

"Lukie we need to have a soorious chat about this" she said as she walked out with some chocolate brownies and a coffee. "Princess Leah and Dukie continually make up their own rules for everything and this time I'm really over it. Soooriously, Lukie I woke up pashing a Panda Bear this morning".

Lamb was hot and horny in the mornings but surely she would have known a Bear was in her hammock and not her latest squeeze. I rolled my eyes and looked away.

"ok. ok. forget the Pashing the Panda thing. It wasn't right of me. She was cute and cuddly and I got carried away before I woke up. But look at this place Lukie. It is a disaster".

I had to admit she was completely right. Princess Leah and Dukie were going to have to take some soorious responsibility for this debacle. How can we have a lesbian zoo?

Just as I walked out on to the back deck the Princess and Dukie had woken up and I couldnt work out which animals they were talking about. Dukie appeared to be emitting a very high pitch squeal kind of noise.

All of a sudden I saw two bats sitting in the big mango tree beside the Tree House wake up and start talking back to Dukie.

Then Dukie looked at me and said "Do you know what they just said Lukie?". Of course I couldn't understand bat language.

They were singing a song for you Lukie about where and when they will see you again. Oh, my heart soared. How sweet.

Dukie sang "Same BatTime. Same Bat Channel. Na na na na na na na na. Batgirls!!"

Princess Leah and Dukie rolled out of their hammocks onto the floor laughing together.


Lukie Skywalker.

XXXX

Camilla Gonzalez Prays for Fallen Warriors

The 4064 Flotilla

Princess Leah and Dukie were gone for a couple of days and I had no idea what was going on. When I asked them to pick up Camilla,Honoruru and Lamb from town I did so because i thought they would be back that afternoon. Sure we packed enough "Sangers" for a few days but I sooriously thought thye'd be back after a few hours.

Maybe they were on the Gin and lost in a puddle somewhere.

After a few days I called Lamb and told her to get out of town and home with the others. Lamb had caught a ferrycat to the Ten Ways and then met Honoruru and Camilla Gonzalez. I had sent a message in a bottle to the locals and they then took a Gondola out and picked the three of them up.

When the Gondola got to the Tree House, Slim jumped out and gave me a kiss. I hadn't seen Slim in ages but it was great to see him as usual. Slim was one of the local men that looked after us. We looked after him and his people and so we all lived happily together.

"Hey Lukie, where's them Dukie and Leah at? Eh?" he said. "We heard them girls went up river with a litre of Gin, the lightsaber, some spare batteries and two girl rhinoceruseses!" was followed with a heap of laughter. In fact Slim was doubled over with laughter and whatever those girls had done must have been wildly funny.

"What are you playing at here Slim, the Lightsaber is packed away and I have no idea what the rhino business is all about?" I said in bewilderment.

"Ah, you find out soon Mrs Skywalker!" said Slim. Every female was a 'Mrs" to Slim.

"Anyways,I gotta go as the brothers and I are having a kayaking competition on these boats this afternoon over at your Camp Camp. The water is flowing fast over the rocks there as it is high flood point. We'll check the Camp for you and fix any broken things before we come back" he said.

Slim headed off after inviting us to the next Corroboree. It would be a while off as it would have to dry out. I sent him off with 40L of enviornmentally friendly pyrethrin insecticide I had brwed in the Labia. Honoruru jumped inside and grabbed a heap of bandages and medicines and a few cricket bats and balls for the kids and gave them to Slim.

"You sisters pharkn cool" he said as he pushed off in the Gondola. "Especially that Camilla Gondola". We all had big happy hugs and went inside after seeing Slim off.

Camilla was eager to please us and got started on the cleaning straight away. The place was mostly muddy from the rain and it just needed mopping.

Honoruru, Lamb and I sat on the back deck and got down to business. Honoruru's beer was being patented and we needed to develop a business plan so we could finance it. This wasn't going to be an issue but we needed all our cashflow projectionsto be right.

I went to the fridge and grabbed four 4064 Squadron lagers. I whipped the tops off them, handed one to Camilla and then started walking back towards the back deck.

"Holy Pharkn Lesbian Giraffes" screamed Dukie from out the side of the Tree House. I raced out and I could hardly believe what I saw. All four of us had our jaws on the floor. What have they done now?

Princess Leah and Dukie were in "Plastic Fantastic" followed by two dozen or more dugouts from native tribes, tinnies, floating bean bags, surfboards, bathtubs and everything else that would float and that could be tied together.

The "4064 Flotilla" was born. But this was only half the story.

In each of these was a pair of animals.

"It is Noah's Pharkn Ark" screamed out Princess Leah.

"We have saved all the wildlife in The Republic" screamed Dukie.

They floated up to the side of the deck and I grabbed a few extra beers. It turned out they had gone up the Mighty River and then taken a left turn and headed North to the Daintree Rainforest. They had slept with local tribes all the way and been fed from stocks of food they had saved from the floods.

We started unloading some of the animals into the Tree House and I noticed there was something wrong. I loked at Honoruru and Lamb and they were thinking the same thing.

Finally Camilla opened her mouth with "these are all girls!"

"Pharkn yeah" said Princess Leah. "We are planning on making a lesbian world over here in The Republic of Queensland" she continued.

At that point Dukie and Princess Leah jumped on top of each other and then fell on the floor laughing.

So we had forty pairs of animals in total. They were all female.

We sat and thought about all of this. Finally Camilla said something.

"This place is gonna be a pharkn bitch when you've all got PMT".

Never have truer words been said.

Goodnight Girls. Love all of you. All of you.

Mrs Lukie Skywalker

XXXXX

Dukie and Princess Leah Save the Planet........Anything else is incidental

"Holy pharkn lots of water" screamed Dukie as she hung over the back deck for a look below.

One of the problems in living on the jungle is the heat builds up until storm season and then torrential rainfall is the norm until the whole place floods. We are lucky in the Tree House as we are so high up, but all around us in Brisvegas and the Republic of Queensland there was sooorious damage being done by rising waters. Captain Bligh had declared a "Republic Emergency" as things were so dire.

I could hear Princess Leah in the bathroom and I had no idea what she was up to. Next thing she waddled out with her jungle bikini, flippers, goggles and snorkel on and jumped off the back deck.

"Bombs away Dukester" she screamed as she went over the edge.

Next thing she landed with a splash that went over the roof of the Tree House and covered all of us as well. When she came up her bikini top was looking more like a bandanna and her flotation aids were keeping her upright. A bit nipply I guessed as floods waters are generally cold due to having just come from the air. I think.

Princess swam around for a while before she screamed out she had an idea and Dukie needed to start getting "Plastic Fantastic" ready. Plastic Fantasic is a big "float" we had built for a Mardi Gras a few years ago out of pink plastic. Afterwards we were thinking of putting her in for recycling when Lamb came up with an idea that we could turn it into a boat. It sat down the back of the jungle most of the time. For the last day or so it had been moored off the back of the Tree House.

Dukie and Princess Leah had been fixing up the engines and we were thinking of taking her out to the Mighty River soon. If needed we might also do some food and medicine drops for villagers or for towns people even. Obviously Princess Leah had other ideas.

"Dukie you will need to pack as many sandwiches and cakes as possible as this will be a big trip. We will need to sail the length and breadth of this great land to fulfil our mission. Dukie looked a little bewildered as Princess still hadn't filled us in on exactly what the mission involved.

Dukie and I jumped into action anyway. Dukie packed some egg and lettuce, ham and cheese, sundried tomato, basil and salami sandwiches. All on gluten free bread she bakes at the Tree House. I knew some of our big mango trees would still be above water and told the girls not to forget these.

I also baked a super quick batch of gluten free chocolate brownies.

Then I added a litre of Gin in case they got lost. I have no idea how it happens but you never fail to get home when you're off your tits on Gin. Lost? Have a drink and you'll wake up in the morning saying "I can't remember getting home". The point is at least you got home. So always be prepared and take Gin. Phark taking a compass or map.

The girls headed off in Plastic Fantastic. I reminded them that they might have to get Lamb from work over near the Mighty River and Honoruru and Camilla Gonzalez from the "Ten Ways".

Princess Leah smiled and said "she'll be pharkn right mate- we are off to save the planet and anything else is incidental".

I had no idea what they were up to and I didn't want to know.

Goodbye girls. Safe sailing.

Lukie S


XXXXXXX

Camilla Gonzalez

"Holy pharkn dirty Tree House" screamed the Princess as she wandered out into the lounge room.

Daz and Kylie, the new Tree House camels had broken the rules and made it onto the back deck overnight. They had broken into the back deck and into our beer fridge. Dukie and Princess had been teaching them how to open and drink beer and they were out cold in the jungle below.

Lucky as it was 36 degrees and mental humidity. Being awake was absolute hell.

There were 300 loads of washing, a tonne of unpacked crockery, cutlery, saucepans and kitchen stuff we had collected from one of our other houses that need to be unpacked, 200 CD's on the floor that were being loaded onto our new server and entertainment system, company papers and research stuff everywhere.

"This place looks like a brothel on half price night" screamed Princess Leah. She has a way with words.

Princess Leah did most of the cleaning and then I chipped in with some effort in between working on "technology stuff".We had won some major deals in the last week and things were really taking off.

Finally we did enough cleaning but the Tree House was really overflowing still. Packing two houses and a company into one was not easy, no matter how big the Tree House was.

In order to deal with the heatwave that had been predicted for Brisvegas this weekend Princess Leah had bought a small inflatable pool of about 3m diameter. She had blown it up a few nights ago and was busy cooling herself down in a white singlet and little else. Her idea was that a white singlet competition was a good Sunday afternoon, post-cleaning activity and I had to admit it was good entertainment. I just admired her eyes and gave her a bottle of chocolate sauce for her effort.

Honoruru emerged from the Casting Couch late as she'd had a big night and decided she'd start interviewing for a cleaner for the Tree House. Honoruru, Lamb and Dukie started on their list of questions whilst Princess Leah and I tested the chocolate sauce.

The Interview List

Sex:

Sexuality:

Weight:

Height:

Bra Size:

Leg Length:

Previous Employment History:

Previous History at Parallel Universe (Name all Babes and Time attached):

Previous history with Camels:

Ability to fix mechanical equipment (Name all engines):

Any experience in a Labia:

Beveridge preference:


Honoruru got on the Telegraph Cucumber and gave Bella a tingle. Honoruru gave every woman a tingle but this was sooorious.

"Bella, this is Madam Honororu and I need 20 hot babes to interview. They must be able to cook and clean and look after the Tree Housers" I heard her say.

I was starting to get worried and I knew what they were up to. I said "Honoruru I need an IQ test as well to satisfy me".

The girls ran out to their hammocks and grabbed their pillows.

"Lukie stop being such an intellectule, boring phark" screamed Dukie. Princess Leah jumped on me first and then their was some massive lesbian pillow action happening.

After a while I screamed "I pharkn surrender".

Bella was obviously listening in the background and was a bit disturbed. Eventually Honoruru said "we won that pillow fight and we need them to know their name, but that is about it Bella".

The next day Bella sent out 20 blindfolded babes to the Tree House. Dukie and Princess Leah picked them up from the Parallel Universe in the Priscilla Bus.

I wasn't part of the interview process as I have no HR skills. I did walk in to the final interview and apparently Dukie had been adding questions of her own to keep up the entertainment. I heard her ask Camilla Gonzalez the final question.

"Do you know how to breathe through your ears?" Dukie asked. Without a word of warning this woman put a peg on her nose and closed her mouth and started breathing through her ears.

Dukie, Honoruru, Lamb and Princess Leah fell to the floor. This time it wasn't from laughter but from amazement. Camilla Gonzalez had the job. She would have to be carted in blindfolded on a rickshaw twice a week after getting to the "Ten Ways". She was happy as she didn't have to sign one of Johnny Howard's AWA's for slave labour and she heard we respected women so she wanted the job.

Camilla Gonzalez had Mexican parents but somehow she turned up looking like this and we weren't about to question her. God knows we all have dubious histories.

All we cared was that we had someone who could cook and clean and was funny. Apparently Camilla's second job was as a stand up comedian and she had also done alot of work on TV. She admitted she had secretly wanted to join the 4064 Squadron for a long time. We didn't know about her joining the Squadron but we'd certainly see how she went over time.

Who cares what she does really? She can breathe through her ears and that is a skill we all want to master.

Goodnight girls. Love you all.

Lukie

XXXXX

The Tunnel of Love

"Lukie, tell me Dukie and Princess Leah haven't been up to no good" said Bella straight away as I picked up the new Telegraph Cucumber. Lamb had smashed the old one at cricket practice with Princess Leah.

"Whoa back, Bella" I said as I tried to work out what was sending her into such a flap.

I had just finished watching a news flash about Brisbane City Council and I was sure it wasn't the girls. Apparently someone had broke into the tunnel development that was going to take cars from the North to the South without going through the city. Whoever had broken in had reprogrammed the machines to start heading to the West and back underneath the jungle. The tunnel was almost at the "Ten Ways". One of the original exits was behind the Parallel Universe and the theory was that we wanted a quick entry and exit to the Parallel Universe and so the girls had commandeered the drilling machines to make that happen.

I told Bella I'd wait until the girls got home before getting too worried. I hung up and knew straight away it was the Tree Housers on the loose again.

I heard and then saw a big Huey helicopter fly over and I knew that was Bella was saying was true. They obviously thought we were involved and were now hunting for us.

I had no idea where any of the girls were but I'd wait for them to get home and interroate them. I opened a beer and sat on the deck and watched the sunset and thought about all of this. It was very sooorious and I hoped it wasn't true.

Next thing Dukie and Lamb and Princess ran in and closed the bathroom door behind them without saying hello. I barged in and here they were in overalls, covered in dust, with safety glasses still on, steel cap boots and laughing hysterically.

"What the phark?" I started in a very angry tone.

"Honestly Lukie we didn't do it. What? We didn't do nuffink" said Princes Leah in her best "Im an innocent child caught up in someone else's mess" impersonation.

"Do you realise how soorious this is?" I asked.

I walked out and slammed the door and let them have a shower. They crawled out later and started making dinner.

Lamb started the conversation with "It was ridiculously easy Lukie and we thought it was the best thing to do for all of the people who live west of the jungle.This really is a sooorious benefit to the community. I just had to reprogram a few machines and Dukie and Princess drove it. We honestly didn't think anyone would notice".

I started to talk again when Princess Leah screamed out "and there are no better tunnelers than Lesbians, Lukie". These girls had managed to achieve in one day what would have taken 100 men a year.

I couldn't argue with that one.

I decided that we'd have a few beers and then a sleep and then we'd decide what to do in the morning. These girls had so much good in them we just had to get them phocused.

PHOCUS YOU PHARKERS.

Lukie

XXXX

The Vaginamites

I was sitting on the back deck of the Tree House when I heard "Greensleaves" coming up through the jungle.

I had been asleep in my hammock until late morning and had no idea that Dukie and Princess Leah had taken the ice cream van out. The Postie and the Rollercoaster were still in town getting paint washed off the windscreens and so the girls must have taken the van out.

Then I heard the Beast. I couldn't work out what was happening as Dukie must be on the bike.

I raced downstairs to see what was going on. Princess Leah was reversing the van and it sounded like their was a real riot in the back of it. Dukie pulled in and she was covered in cow shit. You could hardly see her eyes as her glasses and helmet were covered in it too.

As Princess Leah opened the back of the truck Dukie swept into action and started screaming "whoa up, get up their you bastards" as she waved her hands round.

Two camels jumped out the back of the truck and started running down into the jungle. It must be camel shit that Dukie was covered in.

I couldn't believe what was happening but then again this is the Tree House and this is Princess Leah and Dukie.

"What the phark are you pair up to?" I screamed in disbelief.

"Well you wouldn't believe it Dr Skywalker" said Princess as she stood with her hands on her hips and gave me that "you wouldn't believe it if we told you Dr Skywalker" look.

Dukie started with "we heard that the Saudi Royal Family are coming to Australia to start a camel racing competition". Princess Leah conveniently finished it for her with "and we are going to go in it!! How pahrkn cool is that Luke".

I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I thought I'd laugh as crying was a bit of overkill.

They said they had two boy camels so we couldn't be implicated in any feral camel problem and they had been thinking about it for ages. They went out to the desert this afternoon and Dukie rounded up these two on the Beast. Then they shoved them in the ice cream van and Princess drove them home. She said it was a pretty mad ride with them shoved in the back but she stopped every hour and gave them a double cone with chocolate and nuts on it so they were relatively happy. The RSPCA couldn't get us on "camel cruelty" if they'd been fed ice cream every hour surely.

Straight away my mind was going into overdrive with the logistics of the whole thing and how we might be able to fund a decent camel racing campaign. Apparently Honoruru had been a party to this and she had guaranteed the girls we'd be able to get the best of everything to make sure we'd win.

Money is one thing, Honoruru, but dedication and effort and most importantly knowledge was another.

Princess Leah said she had spoken to the "Vaginamites" over in the northern quarter of the jungle. The "Vaginamites" were so called because they are a tribe of lesbians that broke into a supermarket and the only thing they stole was "Vegemite". After spending ten years looking after camels in the Saudi desert for some soooriously rich people they returned to Australia. The one thing they missed more than anything was Vegemite and as soon as they got off the plane from the Middle East they wanted some. It was the middle of the night and none of the shops were open so they broke in to the Paddington IGA and stole cartons of the black crap. They were caught but escaped and came to hide in the jungle. The Tree Housers looked after them for the first year and then Dukie and Princess Leah made a deal with the local supermarket and Bargearse that the Vaginamites would clean the shop windows in payback for their crime. So they owed us and they knew what they were doing in terms of camel racing. They'd help us for sure.

I loved it. Another pharkn ridiculous thing that the Tree Housers will undertake just to prove that life is not a dress rehearsal.

"Do we have any names for them girls?" I asked.

"Well we thought we thought we'd call them Daz and Kylie" said Dukie. Princess Leah did that fall on the floor and laugh thing for a few minutes and I let her go.

So the Tree House now has 2 camels called Daz and Kylie. Go figure.

Just keep those snorting, spitting things away from Lamb and her AK-47. No camels on the back deck. No camels in the kitchen. No camels in my Labia. No camels anywhere near me.

I love you girls.

Luke Skywalker

XXXXXXXXXX

For the Princess

The Labia is not the Source of all Happiness

This is the serotonin molecule.

It is generally acknowledged this molecule and its role as a neurotransmitter is what makes you happy and content and I have long thought that I might try and make some of this in the Labia. I know it would be no good by ingestion as it won't pass the blood-brain barrier as it is metabolised. However, this doesn't stop me from fantasising that we might be able to artificially synthesise happiness in the Labia.

I spoke to Princess Leah at great length about my desire to do this tonight.Maybe I should just exercise more and live a simpler life and reduce my expectations. I don't think we have too many expectations here at the Tree House. We are a pretty honest and genuinely caring group of souls that all want the best for each other and find that one of the most important things is humour. In case you haven't noticed we're phunny pharkers. In fact some would say extremely phunny.

But it would be nice to be able to make a whole batch of this and miraculously see life in a different manner.

Either that or we could take a leaf from Henry David Thoreau's book.

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn".

Tomorrow is another VC day for Tree House companies and it is all getting rather boring. I'd rather be driving a Pantser through the jungle to be quite honest. A dawn is coming for me personally, and maybe for the others as well. I hope so.

Goodnight "Happy Housers" and here's to our many dawns ahead.


Lukie

XXXXX

Discipline Day

"Pharkn hell" screached Princess Leah as she rolled out of the hammock and onto the floor of the Tree House back deck with a thud. Princess was an absolute mess after last nights activities.She rolled and groaned and I was laughing.

Dukie didn't look much better and I quickly reminded them that today was "Discipline Day". The day that they would have to make it up to Honoruru, Lamb, China, Baby and I for their sabotage efforts.

I had hooked up IV drips during the night for Lamb, Baby, Honoruru, China and I so we didn't have hangovers. Dukie and Princess were going to suffer and then some more as they made up for the Tree House Challenge sabotage.

Honoruru walked out with the covers of the casting couch and said "Phark you and here you go with the Dynamo" as she threw the washing detergent at the girls.

Baby came out with her boots and the polish and and said "Phark you cheaterers and polish these and then put them on my feet Dukie". China chimed in with "you can polish my boots too girls" laughing.

Lamb came out with her AK-47 and said "This kitchen looks like a brothel on half price night and get in their Princess and have a real go". The kitchen hadn't been cleaned for a week and the wok, frypans, BBQ plates, saucepans, oven, hotplates and everything were filthy. Lamb's job also extended to cleaning the fridge. She made sure that Dukie and Princess knew how filthy things were and what was expected. Lamb lifted her AK-47 and said "get going pharkers or we will hurt you" as let a dozen rounds go from the Kalishnikov.

Dukie and Princess were so hungover it made us laugh. They had enough to make them hurt but I couldn't resist. My job at the Tree House was to do everyone's washing. I had been saving it all week thinking someone was going to try sabotage at the race and would need to be punished. There were 16 loads that needed to be done.

Dukie and Princess now had enough washing, kitchen cleaning and boot polishing to last a week with that hangover.

I looked at Lamb and she gave me that sly wink. I knew it was time to make the move and the girls couldn't say no as they were in sooorious trouble.

"By the way" I said to Dukie and Princess, "we have another thing for you".

Lamb had made 2 Cher outfits and she pulled them out. "You pharkn pair have to wear these" she screached as she near pissed herself laughing.

We spent the rest of the day laughing our arses off as Dukie and Princess Leah walked up and down the back stairs doing the washing, cleaning the kitchen, polishing boots and Lambs AK-47 and making us coffee in the dreaded "Cher" outfits. We laid in the hammocks all day and just screamed orders.

Princess Leah and Dukie made us duck, prawns, vegetables in oyster sauce and noodles for dinner.

They fell into their hammocks for a sleep late at night.

That should stop their shenanigans for a little while.

Love you girls even though you are so naughty,


Lukie.

XXXX

The Chequered Flag

It was early AM when I awoke and all were still sleeping. It had been raining buckets overnight and the roads around town were going to be as slippery as all hell. I called Bella to make sure she was aware that the Tree House Challenge was starting in a few hours. She was well aware and said the Gateway Bridge was already chocolate block with families coming into town to see the spectacle. I was worried that this would set all the coppers off but she said not to worry as they'd have Bargearse sitting down with a pizza or eight by the time we started. Rocky was in town with Bella making sure they were ready for pizza deliveries.

I walked downstairs to check the Volkswagen. I could hear a deep moaning coming from under the bushes and sure enough it was China Rhino. China had her rollerskates on sleeping under a tree. She still had a can of beer in each hand and was incredibly pissed. I put an intravenous drip in her arm to give her some quick fluids and left her to sleep. She had obviously stopped at every pub on her way.

The VW was looking good. I pulled out 100 litres of "rocket fuel" from the Labia that I had especially brewed and poured it into my the fuel tank. That'll phark 'em I thought.

Next up was Lamb and she looked like she'd had night on chocolate and coffee. Suitably pharked I thought. Honoruru, Dukie and Princess Leah were up at the same time, showered and jumped into their racing suits. Lamb was sooriously determined to wear her Cher outfit and we let her go. Baby was over with us and she had a grass skirt and bra top made of coconut shells and a racing helmet on. Why? I have no idea? These things just happen at the Tree House.

Bo and Luke Duke were here on time and waiting for us out the front.

When everyone was ready I went down and woke China up. I had managed to give her 2L of IV fluids and she was feeling super. She grabbed one of Lamb's megaphones.

"Righteo you lemons and Bo and Luke, lets get going with this show" she screamed. "The rules are you have to do three laps of town, the Ten Ways and the Tree House. The first person to cross the line at the Parallel Universe 3 times wins. I will be skating into town and will wave the chequered flag.Anything goes apart from those basic rules".

"Start your engines" she screamed. After that we had to wait as she shotgunned a can of beer.

We were all in a straight line for the start and I was revving the hell out of the VW. I could hear the ice cream van was in all sorts already as it coughed and spluttered. "Would you like nuts with that double cone, Lamb?" screamed Dukie as she taunted Lamb.

In retaliation Lamb pulled out her AK-47 and shot three holes in the Postie Van. "Watch your tyres Dukie" she said, clearly pissed off that she had to drive the ice cream van. Rules are rules Lamb.

"Ready, Set, Go" screamed China Rhino and we launched into action.

I took off like lightning and I had to hold the throttle back for fear of launching off the road sideways. I obviously had too much power. Bo and Luke were going to be hard to beat as they obviously had a good engine in the "General Lee". Dukie was going to be a tough opponent as she is a seriously talented driver and had hotted up the Postie Van. She was not so far off the pace. Baby was right on the money as well in her Torana. Princess Leah was further behind as that Rolls Royce was powerful but too heavy. Lamb and Honoruru were way off the pace and posed no threat.

It took us about 20 minutes to get to the edge of the jungle. Then another 3 minutes to the Parallel Universe where I crossed first. I heard Mav and Goose go over head. It was great that Mav and Goose had made it as with all the rain in Queensland we had heard that "Bhumphark" airport, the home of all gay naval aviators, was under water.

There were people lining the streets in town everywhere clapping and cheering us on. I was having a great time. WOO HOO!!

The second lap stayed the same with me leading, followed by Bo and Luke Duke, our Dukie, Baby, Princess Leah, Honoruru and then Lamb. On the second lap I noticed that China was already at the Parallel Universe. She was skating down the side of the road with a Corona in each hand.

On the third lap Dukie started making her move. She passed Bo and Luke and was coming for me. We were out the back of the jungle when I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed Dukie had sprung a leak. The Postie Van was losing oil out the back at a rapid rate.

This was going to make it dangerous for the rest of the cars and I wanted to pull over and tell Duke she'd have to stop and fix it or retire. I called Duke on the 2-way radio and she said she'd pull over and we'd fix it together.

Next thing I pulled over and Dukie kept going. What the phark? Dukie wanted to win at any cost. And this could not have been an oil leak- this was a deliberate spraying of oil from the back of the Postie Van. "That's it" I thought as Bo and Luke and Princess drove past. I was very shitty. I got on the 2 way and screamed "This is not the end of it Dukie, I know what you are up to". Princess Leah came straight over the 2-way with "Have no fear Dukie, I'm protecting your rear".
This pair were working together. Phark it.

"Baby, Bo, Luke, Honoruru and Lamb work with me. Dukie and Princess have been up to no good and we will need to stick together" I said over the 2-way.

I eventually caught up with everyone at the front but it was impossible to go very fast or overtake as their was oil everywhere. Phark knows what the EPA were going to do with us when they head about this mess. After 5 minutes of racing we were about to enter the "Ten Ways" when everyone suddenly slowed. It was school bus time and there were jungle natives all over the roads. Holy shit, how did this happen I thought to myself. Why hadn't we thought of this?

I could hear "Greensleaves" behind me and looked to see Lamb and Honoruru catching up. The field was well and truly even now. All the kids wanted ice cream but Lamb fired a dozen rounds of her AK-47 and they all stayed clear.

I knew I had about 5 minutes to get in front. But what to do? Just as we started to accelerate Bo and Luke Duke slid off in the General Lee into the bushes. Baby blew a tyre as we re-entered the bitumen from the mud but kept going slowly. Princess Leah was now second.

Lamb screamed through the megaphone "go phark those cricket selectors Lukie". I only had a few minutes left and how was I going to do this? They were up the front side by side and wouldn't let me in.

Suddenly Dukie and Princess Leah both ran off the side of the road. I went slowly past and saw the front windscreens of the Postie and Rollercoaster covered in hot pink paint. They couldn't see through it and had crashed.

I couldn't see what happened and their must have been snipers in the trees. It was the trademark hot pink of "The Flaming Lips" skirmish team.

Baby and I battled it to the finish line and Honoruru followed us past the chequered flag that China Rhino was battling to hold up with beers in each hand as well. Greensleaves was playing as Lamb rolled over the line.

We got out of our cars to mad applause as Bo and Luke came in on a rickshaw. Princess Leah and Dukie came next on some bicycles they had borrowed from some natives. They were looking very sheepish, whilst being pissed at the paint bombing that cost them victory.

Rocky ran down and said "hurry up and get inside as Bargearse is after you all".

We raced inside the Parallel Universe to more thundering applause.

We managed to drink the pub dry of 4064 Squadron beer and were moving onto the heavy stuff when the "Flaming Lips" walked in.They had their paintball guns on their shoulders.

The Flaming Lips were all cousins from the "Lips" family and they all had first names starting with the letter L. They all had red hair and only wore bright red uniforms and used pink paint and we called them the "Flaming Lips".This mix of colour always made them look like they were surrounded by fire. The refused to use bullets but instead used paint as their weapon.

"Loose" is the leader of the gang and she walked up and said "Lukie Skywalker I owed you one and that is it- the favour is now returned".

I looked at Loose Lips and nodded that I understood. Last year I had saved the Lips from the Brisbane City Council accusation after a graffiti mob had only used pink paint and tried to have it pinned on the Lips. It was a serious offence and Bargearse had wanted to put them in gaol. Honoruru and I dealt with it via bribery and corruption as you have to look after the sisters in the jungle.

We managed to stay at the Parallel Universe until the following morning. We were absolutely slaughtered as everyone was buying us drinks. At some point Loose Lips walked up to me and said "I love you long time soldier boy". I said "oakley doakley" and grabbed the girls and raced outside to the Postie Van. It was time to leave when chicks start drunk talking like that out of the blue. Bella had organised one of the natives to come in and drive us home. We were laughing at Lamb's bullet holes whilst we stopped and got some kebabs with garlic sauce and tabbouleh.

Then home to the Tree House. China Rhino was passed out with her skates on and we didn't have to blindfold her as she wasnt seeing anything on the way home. We left her in the Postie Van whilst we slept in the hammocks upstairs and Honoruru went back to her Casting Couch. She asked if she could steal the "Me love you long time soldier boy" line and we went to sleep with her practicing that to the ghost.

Goodnight girls. May we have sufficient morphine to knock those hangovers out in the morning.

Lukie

XXX

Thankyou

Happy Valentines Day

I had been out all day in Newcastle doing some training for defence force personnel on using Tree House technologies. They were particularly interested in how our technology could be used for environmentally sustainable bombing and rifle range management. All morning I was running a training course with the sound of rifles firing in the background. It was something I was used to working with in the jungle warfare that is Brisvegas.

I had a late flight last night out and home late tonight. Princess Leah picked me up from "The D's" in town in the Mini Pantser. The D's is a famous recreational spot on the other side of town and I was working with one of the D's down south and caught a plane and then a lift home to their house.

When Princess Leah picked me up she said "you should the Tree House". I couldn't get any further details out of her but what I arrived home too was spectacular.

Chicks who had spent time on the "Casting Couch" had sent roses and chocolates to Honoruru knowing that she was still staying with us. Apparently rickshaws had been turning up all day. There was a mountain of roses and chocolates left at the "Ten Ways" that the local villagers had been bringing to us all day. Dukie had also taken the Postie Van out and collected a few loads as well.

I turned up with a meager box of chocolates from Newcastle airport for the Princess as she has been my Princess Leah and I was her Lukie Skywalker from the time we were kids. The woman at the shop counter had assumed that I needed something for my man but I was eager to educate her that I am Lukie Skywalker and I have a need for present for the Princess. She didn't quite understand but as if I care.

Dukie, Lamb, Princess and Honoruru got stuck into the chocolates and I made them a coffee from our new coffee machine that Adam Ant had given us. I think they had been on the chocolate all afternoon and had way too much sugar. They were busy running around the backyard naked with guns and shit when I went into my hammock to sleep.

Tomorrow is a mother of a day with the Tree House Challenge and this is exactly what I need. A good sleep for me and all of the rest of them coming off a sugar high, unable to sleep and no focus. I will win this.

Goodnight Girls you are my valentines,


Lukie

XXXXXX

Lamb Gets Back Into Form

I returned to the Tree House this afternoon to the sight of the deck full of rolls of "Glad Wrap" and the sound of an AK-47 going off in the back yard. Lamb had decided she needed to get back in to form with the cricket bat. I had suggested that Don Bradman had used a cricket stump and golf ball on a piece of corrugated iron and Lamb should be doing the same.

Of course this kind of sensible advice was never going to be taken soooriously and Lamb had asked Princess Leah to teach her how to catch bullets with Glad Wrap like Princess had done the night before in the kitchen.

There was no body armour being used and Princess was spraying bullets straight at Lamb who was holding a roll of plastic lunch wrap in her hand swatting the bullets away like flies.This would let Lamb face the fastest bowling without a worry.

Lamb had taken three bullets in her torso and their was blood everywhere. I was horrified at the sight and screamed "Lamb, let's get you to the pharkn hospital for gods sake".

Dukie was sitting in her hammock unnoticed until then. She had been watching and laughing hysterically apparently. I turned to Dukie and let spray with a mouthful of language. I couldn't believe an intelligent woman like Duke would sit and watch this. Dukie was unphased by my spray and said that she had no intention of spoiling anyone's fun and in any case I was a Doctor and would clean them up if I had too. Pharkn hell, am I the only responsible one at the Tree House? I have a PhD in chemistry and that hardly qualifies me to fix broken women. Well I am a doctor and I will take a look at it if it's broken.

At the bottom of the yard was a heap of melted plastic wrap. I asked Dukie what had happened and she said the girls initially thought they'd test Lamb's skills with Princess Leah using the flamethrower instead of the AK-47. Holy shit it was a wonder Lamb wasn't burnt to a crisp. To use plastic wrap as a defence against a flamethrower is spectacularly stupid.

I called everyone in and told them to get into the tub. Before I could let Lamb in I had to give her 69 stitches to her wounds. I used a general anaesthetic in the form of Chambord and Lemonade and Lamb was out like a light.

I cooked a few pizzas for dinner and we sat down on the back deck to eat. Just as we were finishing Honoruru turned up looking like she'd had 300 scotch and Cokes. She told us she had been at the Parallel Universe and that was pretty obvious actually. At first I was pissed off as I thought she had driven but apparently a taxi had dropped her off at the "Ten Ways" and one of local villagers had picked her up in a Rickshaw and dropped her off at the Tree House. The rickshaw fare for us was free but Honoruru generally gave the local villagers $1000 (AUD) worth of drugs and bandages that she secured from drug companies every time she came over. Honoruru's reach into corporate charity was legendary.

At the Parallel Universe Honoruru had run into Bella who gave her some very important information. Bella had been trying to get hold of us on the Telegraph Cucumber but that had been shot to bits as Lamb had used that as her first "cricket bat". We'd have to get a new one tomorrow.

Apparently Bella had said that James Bond and Macgyver had left and Bargearse had taken up eating Pizza again. Honoruru was here to say that we could start with the preparations for the Tree House Challenge.

Oh phark, I just had everyone settled in for the night. There was no way Honoruru would be right to drive tomorrow AM and we owed it to her to give her time to get the Vintage Car ready for the race.

I called Sally Duke and told her to get Luke and Bo and the "General Lee" ready for start in 2 days time. They were over near the Redneck Trading Post and they would take a few hours to get here anyway.

China Rhino answered as soon as I called. I told her to be over at the Tree House to let off the starter gun in 2 days time. She was going to start skating now as it might take her some time. When China came over to see us she had a few beers at every bar on the way and it always took her a day or two. I told her she could probably get a lift with Adam Ant but she said "that is for pussies Lukie". Well that is what we like China, and which bit did you miss? Anyway she missed it all being pure and angelic that she is and she said she'd throw a $100 note in her bra and a $100 in her fishnets "in case" and start heading over tonight.

I had to get Matt and Adam to look after the VW engine transplant tomorrow. Lamb would have to let some wounds heal slightly at least. Princess Leah was right in the "Rollercoaster".

Our Duke was laughing as she knew the Postie Van was ready. We had finally talked Dukie into the fact she needed to wear a hard helmet for the race. She still had her glasses but at least a helmet would save her precious scone if she had a stack.

Lamb grabbed her Chambord and hobbled downstairs. Dukie took off after her to play with the Postie Van. Princess Leah went and slept in the Rollercoaster with her flame thrower for protection. I wasn't going anywhere as I was waiting for Matt and Adam to do the work on the VW.

Honoruru went out to the Casting Couch and starting chatting up some glamorous chick we called "The Ghost". "Aaah ra ra ra, I want to make love to you like a Banshee" she said in her sleep. When she was off her tits she always practiced her lines in her sleep.

Goodnight girls wherever you may fall,

Lukie

XXXXX

Rollerderby Rocker

"What a pharkn day" screamed the Princess as she entered the Tree House. Dukie just looked up and smiled that secret "very much big havoc" smile. They must be up to something, I thought. Princess Leah still had her tool belt on and that meant trouble.

Whatever it was I knew that they hadn't been near the VW as I had that under lock and key. I also had brewed some very explosive fuel just for my engine out in the Labia. I was hoping they had been under the hood of the ice cream machine and were pharking Lamb's chances of winning the Tree House Challenge.

We still didn't have a kick-off time and the longer these girls left it the more of a chance I had of preparing the VW and winning. China also was trying to convince us she should be allowed in the race on her skates but we told her she could start the race and then skate into town and wave the chequered flag. Skating through the jungle with 6 cars out of control on the roads was not an option. She is the meanest woman on 8 wheels but we didn't need an accident that would hurt her.

I had been gardening all day yesterday, followed by some soorious roller derby training with China Rhino and Princess Leah. I couldn't participate much as I had something wrong with my head that was affecting my balance but Princess Leah and China Rhino were having some significant biffs out on the track. It showed today as Princess Leah was black and blue from head to toe and having some major issues moving. Investment in a new outfit was also required as China had spent most of the session trying to rip her Princess robes off.

Just as Princess was cooking us some lasagna for dinner Lamb walked in and gave us a spray about something or other. Lamb sounded sooriously angry.

Princess stopped cooking and said "son of a motherless goat, pharkn bejesus Lamb". I was ignoring it all when Lamb pulled out her AK-47 and let spray in the kitchen. Dukie raced in and jumped on top of Lamb and stopped the firing. Princess had managed to collect every bullet in a roll of "Glad Wrap". Princess has the reflexes of a cat and there wasn't a bullet hole to be seen. The Glad Wrap was smoking!!

I couldn't stop laughing as Princess said "that was so pharkn cool, can we do it again please Lamb?".

It turned out Lamb had left the safety catch off the AK-47 and it was a dangerous mistake as she only wanted to threaten the Princess. We sat Lamb down and she explained that she had heard from Bella that Princess Leah and Duke had organised a twenty20 cricket match in town and had selected chicks from the "Fanny Pack" to open the batting and bowling. These were usually Lamb's positions but she hadn't been playing so well lately so the girls wanted some new talent. I could understand it as everywhere in Australian cricket there was the call for new talent. We had sponsors to think of and in trying to sell the rights to international TV we needed the best and fastest. Princess Leah and Duke were only doing their jobs as cricket selectors to look after all the stakeholders.

After we poured Lamb a big Chambord she settled down and could see what was happening and why. We sat down and had dinner on the back deck and discussed what we'd do to get Lamb back into top form.

We put the AK-47 to bed and Lamb with it. We hopped into our hammocks and let the cool breeze whip through the Tree House. This was a welcome relief after the last few weeks of hot and still nights.

Goodnight girls,

Lukie

XXXXX

The Valley of Happiness

"Pharkn phark phark pharkn phark" I screamed as I entered the Tree House from the front steps."I am so happy. It is like I live in the valley of happiness right now" I continued.

Princess Leah looked at me and smiled that very wicked little smile. Princess knows that I am a chemist by trade and I understand chemical reactions but this is one I have no idea about. It is like I have about 7 trillion extra serotonin explosions happening in my brain every second.And that is really good because my serotonin levels are generally soooriously low.

Dukie walked out and said "what is all that swearing about Lukie?". I told her I was just feeling very happy right now. This is a massive change from where Ive been in the last few weeks and she understands how big a deal this is for me.

"Well good for pharkn you!" she shouted over the top of Ben Lee belting out something about being in love from his "Awake is the New Sleep" album.

Dukie and Princess Leah had invited Baby to be in the Tree House Challenge. This was cool with me although we'd probably have to pull it up there as I knew there was one special guest coming and then we'd have a full field. Apparently Dukie and Princess Leah had found another car and desperately wanted it to be in the race so they bought it home. The car they found was a Torana SLR 5000. All hotted up and ready to go. These are collectors items now and once again, the trick is don't ask where they got it from or how.

We heard that MacGyver and James Bond were still in town looking for us and Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard was here as well. Boss Hogg didn't pose any threat to us. A couple of weeks ago we had Daisy given to us with our still from over at the Redneck Trading Post. We didn't realise it but she is actually Daisy Duke. She had sent an email over to Bo and Luke and they had come over for the race as well. This years race is going to be bigger than ever.

I raced downstairs and started to get my stuff ready for the big race. I knew Dukie and Princess Leah would be calling the race start when they felt they were ready but I was pumped up and wanted to win. I had bought everyone new helmets this year on the web and I put mine on whilst I worked on the VW. I wanted to get into the mood.

Dukie won't wear a helmet as she will have her usual aviator helmet and glasses on. She truly has no fear.

I looked at the VW and decided that tomorrow Matt and Adam would be at the Tree House and we'd kick arse putting a new engine in the VW whilst we were supposed to be working on IT stuff.

Wake Up

Vegetation Management

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China Rhino

Great day today. I had been in a suit with some clients from the northern jungles of Queensland and the government all morning making some spectacular moves on having Tree House technologies used by all the government agencies in Qld. Adam Ant and I received the Carbon model from South Australia and he was busy wrapping his huge brain around it, and I baked scones in the afternoon in between firing off emails to all our clients. Matt,another Tree House soldier, had a big win with making some complex piece of code do what it was supposed too.

The wonderful Matt, Adam and I sat out the back in the steamy heat and had coffee and scones whilst watching the "Ben Harper Live at the Hollywood Bowl" DVD. We laughed that in town people were sitting in air conditioned offices bitching and whining all day whilst we were sitting here having some low blood pressure.

The Telegraph Cucumber was going off all afternoon. Finally Princess Leah came home from work and answered it. Thank god for that as I was too busy and not in the mood. "Yes,hello, by jesus I'll give you a spanking Bella if this call isn't 100%, totally pharking necessary you bitch" said the Princess.

I looked at the Princess and smiled. She didn't particularly love Bella's dramatisation of every single issue. Princess just wanted to fight when she had too and shag the rest of the time. And now she had a "shaggn wagn" Rolls Royce you could be guaranteed that would be all of the time.

Bella said "for your information Princess I think this is very important and pertinent to your efforts to stay out of reach of the long arm of the law".

I zoned out but the conversation went on for 15 minutes or so. Then Princess put the Cucumber down and said "The race will have to be put off Lukie". I couldn't believe it although I must say I didn't really care as I was so busy.

"Bargearse at the "Valley" has been calling in all his reserve forces as he knows the Tree House Challenge is on this weekend" she said. Bargearse is the local police captain. He is pretty easy to get sidetracked as we just give him food. Last time we had the race we had Rocky drive a "Pizza Hut" van to the police station and delivered 24 family size ham and pineapple pizzas. There are only 3 fat bastards there and they ate the whole lot. Took them 3 hrs that the race was on and by the time they walked out to see what all the noise was we had passed the winning post and were inside hiding.

But this time it would be different as Bargearse was on "Weight Watchers" with specific intention off staying off pizza long enough to catch the Tree Housers.

Apparently Bargearse had called in a heap of other coppers. He also had MacGyver and James Bond working for him as well apparently.

James Bond was supposed to be trying to find us in the jungle. Well we didn't care as not only did we have Bella looking after us but we had picked up China Rhino as our insider in government. China is the hottest chick on 8 wheels. China is an interior designer by trade and she decked out the Tree House when we first built it. We don't really like the hot pink shower. China never walks anywhere but has a pair of rollerskates permanently attached to her feet- even in the shower. China does alot of work for various government agencies and she knows how to get into police databases. China also cooks every night for Adam Ant and I think this is how he gets his technological knowledge. "You are big boy soldier, and I look after you" is her greeting every night to him as she skates to the front door to give him a beer and then skates back to continue cooking him dinner.

Anyway back to the story.

After this information from Bella and China we have decided we'll leave the race for a time that we WILL NOT ADVERTISE on this blog. China Rhino will keep her eye on the police and we will spring a surprise. We will also sober up enough to drive I think. We won't be doing that if China Rhino keeps coming around to the Tree House.

Goodnight China and Adam Ant and thanks for coming to the Tree House for dinner,

Dr Lukie and Princess.


XXXXXX

The Big Race Preparations

WOO HOO!!

Today was going to be a big day for the Tree Housers. The annual "Tree House Challenge" was on tomorrow and everyone was pumped. The Tree House Challenge is a race where all of the Tree Housers draw straws to choose vehicles.

Once you have your vehicle you are allowed to do anything to it within 24 hrs to make it go faster. Any sabotage of other vehicles will result in a public spanking on the deck at sunset. This is only if you get caught though.

After 24 hrs we head to the starting line at the front of the Tree House.

We then have a circuit round the "Ten Ways" and through town to the Parallel Universe. We have to do 3 laps of this, whilst evading any officers of the law and then we finish with a chequered flag at the Parallel Universe.

Dukie and Princess Leah had been tasked with finding the vehicles as per their job descriptions as "Transport Commanders". They decided we'd use Miss Whippy, Postie and we'd find another three to add to our collection.

We let Honoruru go first. She pulled out a stick with VINTAGE on it. Princess Leah and Dukie looked at each other and then fell over laughing. I hate it when they do this. They jumped up and ran off holding hands into the shed. They returned with Lt Honoruru's car. I had to have a laugh at this.

Next I drew a straw from the bunch. It had "Transporter" on it. Princess Leah and Dukie fell over laughing again and then jumped up, grabbed hands and ran back into the shed. Out they drove my Volkswagen. How fast was this going to go? Honestly?

Next thing Lamb drew a straw and got "Miss Whippy". That was a heap of shit and so I was happy as I'd beat Lamb easily. "Oh soooriously" said Lamb, "how am I gonna win this year if I have to drive the pharkn ice cream machine?". Lamb won last year in a boat. It had been raining for forty days and forty nights and when the girls got a boat they thought someone would be royally pharked but Lamb won in it. In fact she was the only one who went anywhere.

Then Princess Leah drew a straw. She got one that said "ROLLER". Princess and Dukie really fell into a heap laughing. They didn't get up for 15 minutes. When they did they grabbed hands and ran into the shed. The shed doors opened slowly and gracefully and out rolled the most gorgeous Rolls Royce Silver Wraith.

Princess was sitting up in the drivers seat looking like she owned the world. Out she got with "I absolutely adore you Lukie,Im going to stick it to you. Give you a total rodgering" in her best British accent. I just admired her eyes and told her to take a hike with all that sexy talk.

Princess Leah and Dukie walked us around the Rolls and told us that from now on this was to be the Tree House "shaggin wagin". Princess Leah said "look we can phark in the back seat as it is so big". Apparently they bought it from some crazy lesbian who drove it every month across the Nullabor from Perth to Brisbane hauling a trailer full of toys. I don't think it was Tonka Toys she was hauling either. I'd heard about this blackmarket toy business and god knows how Dukie and Princess found the infamous car that did it all. Anyway, as usual, we will not ask.

That left Dukie to drive the Postie Van. She'd look hot in her leathers and aviator helmet with in the Postie Van.

Well now we had our vehicles and all we had to do was spend the next 24 hrs souping them up and making sure that dastardly Dukie or Princess Leah didn't get to them and we'd be right.

Let the games begin.

Goodnight girls

Lukie

XXX

Are you the one?

Our Fine Fingered Friend

Our fine fingered friend, Honoruru, was being honoured tonight and I was busy finalising last minute preparations.

Captain Bligh, Premier of the Republic of Queensland, was so impressed with Honoruru's work in negotiating a win-win solution for the Pantser infrastructure damage that she wanted a special award for Honoruru. The Tree Housers had the key to the city but she wanted something special just for Lieutenant Honoruru as she is really the one that keeps us all solvent and manages the administration side of the 4064 Squadron.

I went in to Brisvegas and negotiated with the bureaucracy what I thought was a suitable honour. We agreed we'd take over the top floor of the Museum of Contemporary Art and make it "Honoruru's Calcurator Museum".

I knew she would piss her pants when she saw it. I hadn't told any of the other girls what was happening so it was going to be a massive surprise for everyone.

I had taken the day off from my leisurely pursuits of thinking and talking shit and was busy supervising the whole show. Occasionally I was called in to do some real work like lifting tables and chairs and filling water jugs. After I had said "I have a PhD you know" about 30 times people stopped asking for help.

I also learnt that in order to get what I really wanted I had to say "its just a suggestion" to give people a bit of ownership and let them decide if they wanted to take on my idea. I thought I'd probably take this one back to the Tree House and abbreviate it to "JAS".

At about 4PM I called the girls and said "Honoruru is in town tonight and please race over to the Stamford Plaza and pick her up and bring her to the MCA as I have booked us a table for dinner." They all thought Id been working in town all day.

Princess Leah was only on her second day back at work and she was shitty at the idea of coming out of the jungle but I said "It's just a suggestion, honey". She said "Oh, ok Lukie, I'll bring us in in the Postie Van". See it works. Ha. I'd have to be careful I didn't use that too often or in cases where people might think I was being manipulative. I have too much respect for these girls.

Captain Bligh turned up with about 100 people from parliament, Treasury, the Departments of Finance, Trade and Innovation, State Development, Local Government, Community Services and Jungle Aid and Brewing. Queensland is the only state to have a "Department of Brewing" as we cut so much piss up here in the tropical heat.

All of these departments were grateful to Honoruru in one way or another for work she had done in the past. I knew that the bastards from brewing were only here to make sure that Honoruru's vision with the 4064 Squadron brewery was fulfilled. One of the ways the Department of Brewing raise revenue is through beer royalties. Honoruru had developed the only beer in the world that was guaranteed to not dehydrate you whilst getting you "right royally off your tits", as it claimed. It was also infused with a 4064 Squadron patented enzyme that inhibited the activity of alcohol dehydrogenase so it prevented the alcohol from being turned into aldehyde , or poison, in your liver.

In short, it was the only beer that you could drink for the rest of your life in the jungle with no side effects, no dehydration and it would save millions of dollars in health care costs as well for alcoholic diseases. It was guaranteed to take over the world market for beer and the pharkn Govt wanted their slice.

All of the Tree Housers arrived. I forgot to tell them to dress for dinner and they had their usual jungle outfits on. Oh phark- who cares what we look like?

Captain Bligh gave this magnificent speech about the value of Honoruru in keeping the Tree Housers under control, whilst at the same time providing so much revenue for the republic.

She then asked one of the Tree Housers to give a talk. I stood up to move forward but phark me if that little jungle bikini didn't beat me to it.

"Well I'd like to say that Pharkn Lt Honoruru is one of the funniest pharkn C**ts I've pharkn met" said Princess Leah. At this point I started to melt into my seat. I was trying to crawl away when she continued "and for all you revenue raising pariahs that just love her for money making skills, we love her for heart and she's a top pharkn bird. "

"And Honoruru you can keep control of that casting couch at the Tree House for as long as you want. We pharkn love you" Princess Leah continued.

I couldn't believe it but Captain Bligh stood up and gave both Honoruru and Princess Leah a kiss and a hug and they had their photos taken together.

Captain Bligh said "she's been working with tradesmen all her life so I hear" and then started laughing again.

Anyway Honoruru and Captain Bligh opened up the "Honorary Honoruru Calcurator Museum". I swore Honoruru started crying as she cut the red ribbon with Captain Bligh.

Then we all walked in and had a look at some of the calcurators. Everything from the first Chinese abacus (donated by the Chinese government) to "Deep Blue" were on show. Deep Blue is the computer used against chess Champion Garry Kasparov years ago to see if a computer could beat a human chess champion and it was donated by IBM. I couldn't believe we'd pulled all this together in a few days but everyone around the world loves Lt Honoruru.

The first calcurator was an ancient Chinese Abacus. Soooo cool. Honoruru used one of these when she was Professor of Financial Administration at Beijing University. Cool Honoruru!!

This old Olivetti was something Honoruru used when she was Treasurer of Australia a few years ago. Can you believe you she used to calculate the Current Account Deficit on this?

This LED display (below) was originally used by Honoruru to display share prices directly from her calculator to punters outside the Stock Exchange. Honoruru manually estimated share prices based on supply and demand for all companies listed on the Stock Exchange in Australia.

The IBM Mainframe below is what Honoruru does the Tree House accounts on now. She says she needs it for the complex web of entities and trusts we run. I donated this to the museum and we'll get a new and bigger one soon.

After the museum opening we dropped Honoruru off at the Stamford Plaza and had a few cocktails overlooking the Mighty River. Honoruru had to fly out to Melbourne early so she was staying in town and not out at the Tree House.

We all drove back to the Tree House in the Postie van. Tomorrow would be another big day at the Tree House.