This goose is now on the talk circuit

"Sooriously..........what the phark?"

This is the kind of arrogance we have had to put up with for eleven years.

Tree House Party

Lamb was on the megaphone and she was in fine form.

"Get your tits into this bus now" she screamed.We loaded 50 blindfolded babes into the bus.It was almost unreal that Princess Leah and Duke had managed to find the "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" bus. This is definitely one story we don't want to hear.

We quickly put Lamb into the her silver flowing gown and installed her on the roof.

The natives took off in Miss Whippy to provide a decoy in case anyone was following us. We could hear "Greensleaves" pumping out through the jungle as we took off.

"That'll phark 'em" said Duke as we drove off. Duke was our bus driver today.

Dukie had the bus sideways through every corner to the Tree House. Princess Leah screamed out "the first time I drove this I had it doing 7000 RPM and redlining it in 1st gear". This only drove Dukie on to greater things out of competition and the ride was fast and furious.

We made it back to the Tree House and told everyone to keep their blindfolds on until they got out the back. It wasn't that we cared if they saw the Tree House now, but we were just having fun playing with everyone.

It was 2PM and it was official "Legs Open" time. Everyone took off their blindfolds and I jumped in and started serving. The gin was going off. It was a particularly nasty brew and some of the junior lesbians were struggling.

I decided to let Dukie and Princess Leah take over "Legs" and I would go over to see Cap'n Dyke and the girls. I called to the Princess and she came over with Margo's chaps over her bikini. What had gone on there to facilitate that sharing I didn't want to know.

After an hr or so of drinking we rolled out the Karaoke machine.

Lamb and her junior lesbians all got up and sang "If I could turn back time" by Cher. Some of the girls from the Parallel Universe sang "Advance Australia Fair". Cool. Princess Leah sang "Sunsets" by Powderfinger for me.

Then Cap'n Dyke, Margo, Starr Ann and Lori got up and sang " You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. This is our theme song and they must have learnt it for us. We jumped up after the first verse and the eight of us went crazy together. They sang the more correct version of "American Thighs" whilst we sang "Aussie Thighs".

This was turning into a big day indeed. We had thrown some of the junior lesbians back into the bus as they were terribly wasted. We were going to have to slow this down if any of them were going to be a part of the "horizontal sack races" we had planned for later.

Just as we were about to get another round of Karaoke going, Honoruru burst through the door.
"Holy phark and thanks for the help, you lot" she screamed as she went straight to the bar.

We all stopped as she said "Campbell Newman might have been giving you the key to the city but at the same time the council CEO, Jude Munro, was giving me a bill for $10M for damage caused by the Pantser to BCC infrastructure last week". Honoruru had been busy all day negotiating with Brisbane City Council.

I told her not to worry about it. We had fans across every large business in Australia and we made alot of money for Queensland and Brisbane and they'd support us. We'd just invite Jude to the Tree House one night for dinner. I was too tired to be bothered worrying- even though it had obviously been a big afternoon for Honoruru.

I told Honoruru to go down to the "Casting Couch"and she could start interviewing babes to share her hammock tonight. They were all lined up and had been waiting for her for hours as her reputation as a lover was widely known. That is why we could never let Honoruru come in a fight with us- it would ruin her "lover, not a fighter" reputation.

"Wai, hurro dare radies" I heard her say as she sat down on the Casting Couch to start her interviews.

I was busy with the prawns on the BBQ whilst I heard some turbines whirring into action underneath. Holy shit I knew what was going on.

I dropped the tongs and ran down the stairs.

Just as I did this the Pantser leapt into action. Cap'n Dyke and Lamb were straddling the gun on the front, Margo and Starr Ann were on the back holding on for dear life and Dukie had Lori on the back of the Beast doing "fishies" in the gravel in front and smoking it up a storm. Lori looked good in a pair of Duke's aviator glasses and leathers.

I let them go and returned to the BBQ.

After 2 hrs I could hear "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen as they came up through the jungle. Dukie came roaring in first and then Princess Leah parked the Pantser.

Margo said "that was the most amazing thing I've ever done in my life" as she climbed up the Tree House stairs. Starr Ann and Lori were just speechless.

I looked down the stairs and Cap'n Dyke and Lamb were crawling up the stairs with their legs crossed. I looked at Princess Leah and she said "Lamb wanted me to fire the gun. I swear Lukie I didn't want too, but they begged me."

This was Lambs favourite thing. Straddling the gun whilst Princess Leah fired it.

Dukie recounted how after they fired the first missile Cap'n Dyke was hanging upside down on the gun like an orangutan, moaning for 5 minutes. I think Margo might have thought that was the most amazing thing she'd ever experienced, but Cap'n Dyke certainly would as well if she could talk enough to tell us. Apparently Princess fired it 3 times. Even that was a record for Lamb and we were going to have to get her therapy for this. Like an addict, when will enough ever be enough?

We danced to Kylie Minogue and a heap of others for 4 hrs. Cap'n Dyke and Lamb didn't move much at all actually.

At about midnight and under the cover of darkness Duke took all the local babes back to the "ten ways". The villagers took them in Miss Whippy back to the Parallel Universe.

We had ten hammocks lined up on the Tree House back deck.

Princess Leah said "are we going to do the horizontal sack races tonight Lukie?"

I started to say that I was too tired when Lamb cut in with "That is all so boring as Luke always comes first". Dukie added "she comes first, second, third, fourth and fifth to be more precise".

Our girls from the US of A obviously got the joke as they were all laughing. We'd take them back to th"Mound in the morning. Right now we needed sleep.

Goodnight girls and thanks for coming. Again and again and again.

Lukie

XXXX

Key to the City

We were waiting just inside the "ten ways" until Maverick and Goose flew over. After that we'd know it was safe to start heading into town.

Princess Leah was driving "Miss Whippy". Princess had her bikini and jungle boots on and an Australia flag cape tied around her neck. Lamb was on the roof in her leather pants,boots and only a bra on top. She had her Italian flag draped over her back like a cape. Of course the AK-47 was over the shoulder and she had her megaphone as well. Dukie had her bike leathers on and was in the back fixing the ice cream machine that seemed to break down frequently. I was looking hot in my camouflage shirt, shorts and Aussie green and yellow thongs. My Luke Skywalker hair was in fine form hanging over my Australia peak cap.

Maverick and Goose flew over and "flaps up girls, you're clear for take-off" came over the radio. We were out on the road, Greensleaves was pumping and the perfect Queensland sun was shining on us. A few clouds indicated we may be experiencing a tropical storm late in the afternoon but by then we'd be back in the Tree House.

The plan was we would drive down Albert St and turn left into Queen St and drive through the crowd lining the streets and then to Eagle St Pier where we would presented with the key to Brisvegas by Captain Bligh (Premier of the Republic of Queensland) and Campbell Newman.

We drove down Albert and turned into Queen St.

"Holy phark, are you sooorioous?" screamed Lamb from the rooftop of Miss Whippy as she looked down Queen St. There were at least 200,000 people in the streets according to my guesstimate. We drove slowly through town and there were streamers and shit flying everywhere.We stopped to give all the kids an ice-cream and it took hours to get to Eagle St but we were having fun.

I knew we had to keep a lookout for Cap'n Dyke and Margo's crew but I thought we'd find them in the Mighty River at Eagle St. We had a secret password sorted with them in case we didn't recognise them.

We eventually made it to Eagle St Pier. Princess Leah had the ice cream van sideways into Eagle St. We came to a thudding halt and fell out to a thundering round of applause. We jumped up to shake hands on the podium with Campbell "Cando" Newman and Captain Bligh. Through the restaurants and bars I could see a magnificent ship and I knew that meant Cap'n Dyke and all were here somewhere. WOO HOO!! It was gonna go off.

Campbell "Cando" gave a great speech about what we had done for tourism and putting Brisbane on the map. Captain Bligh said a heap of cool things as well about environmentally sustainable development in Queensland and how we were leading the pack.

None of us really wanted to give a speech but Lamb said she would. Of course she couldn't use the conventional microphone that everyone else had. Lamb stood on top of Miss Whippy with her megaphone.

She spoke in Italian first and we nearly pissed ourselves laughing as she went on. I managed to find Rocky in the crowd and could see she understood and was laughing hyserically.

When Lamb spoke in English she said:

"I never coulda dreamed when I left Italy 37 years ago, just after being borned I woulda be this famous. I did know, however, that my beauty would be used for World Peace somehow".

"We at the Tree House sooriously believe that Land Rights for Gay Whales is a cause worth fighting for".

"Now the Parallel Universe will be goin' off very soon and we expect to see all of youse there".

I was laughing my arse off. Where did she get "Gay Rights for Land Whales" from? Fighting Japanese whalers was one thing, respecting native title another, and even being gay- but land rights for gay whales really took the cake. And where on earth did the "World Peace" thing come from? Miss Jungle was now thinking she was Miss America.

Anyway so we jumped into Miss Whippy and took off to the Parallel Universe. There were 2000 people dressed as Luke Skywalker, Princess Leah, Duke and every lesbian under the age of 25 was dressed as Lamb with her Cher outfit on. Exactly what Lamb wanted. They had all heard Lamb was in charge of choosing guests for the Tree House party later on and they were sucking up for a ticket. They'd be sucking up later and they had better be careful what they wished for.

I told the girls to look out for Cap'n Dyke in her pirate kit and the girls in chaps.

After a few bevvies Lamb ran over and said "soooriously I thank Cap'n just waltzed in to the Inferno Bar. I sent Princess Leah to check if it was her. We agreed through the net that we had a secret password to confirm who we were. With so many babes dressed as us, they could get chatted up and taken home by anyone.

Princess Leah walked up and said in her best British military accent "I think you are absolutely gorgeous and I'd like to stick it you".

The Cap'n replied "Really, you'd like to give me a jolly good rodgering?".

Princess Leah knew she had the real deal on her hands.

We all met and ordered a new round of Gin and Tonic and some good Pirate XO.

Just as we were laughing our arses off and exchanging some fabulous stories Maverick came up and started trying to chat up Lori from Hahn at Home. This kind of thing made me sick that Mav couldnt just come out as gay and was always trying to prove he wasn't with his "naval aviator" story.

Then he started with his big scientology blast. Lamb jumped in and said "sooriously Mav, you are gonna have to pull your head in. You know these girls all belong to the Church of the Born Again Lesbians ".

Maverick just couldnt let it be and he hated that Lamb was head of the BAL church.

Lamb was the Dalai Lamba, a 5 star lesbian who was annointed as the head of the Lesbian church. She was carried out of Italy by a bunch of lesbians at a very young age when the Catholic Church found out they had her in their country. She was in imminent danger of being drowned or held captive and they wrapped her and carted her to Australia. This is why Lamb is so independent and such a fighter with high gay morals. And all gay morals are high.

I know when this religious shit starts it is time to get out of here. I told Dukie and Princess Leah to get Lamb under control and get us all into Miss Whippy. First of all Cap'n Dyke and her crowd got into Miss Whippy then we packed another 40 babes in. Mav and Goose gave us cover and we headed back to the "ten ways". We did this all quietly and people were not even aware of what we had done. We had a secret exit from the Parallel Universe that the managers let us use.

When we got there we had to transfer to new Transport. Lamb and I still had no idea what we were getting into. Duke jumped out of the front of Miss Whippy at the "ten ways" and ran into the bush. Princess Leah, Duke and I started blindfolding the babes.

We had everyone lined up and Duke came around the corner in the new Transport.

"Holy Phark" I thought. Lamb nearly fell over laughing.

Duke got out and the four of us had high-fives all round and started packing the blindfolded babes into the bus.

We didn't have Honoruru with us and I didn't know where she was but knew she'd find her way when she could.

o

Culturally Sensitive and Environmentally Sustainable Development

Princess Leah and Duke took off in the modified Pantser to start carving the path. I knew they had the right path in terms of directions but I was worried that they would have some big trees to get through.

I thought Lamb would be home last night but she was at the "Police" concert in Melbourne and wouldn't be home until today. She'd be tired and would just sleep. Duke picked her up and bought her home and she went straight to bed. We told her to sleep and we would be out doing some testing on the Pantser while she slept. We'd explain later.

In order to make sure we weren't knocking over anything of cultural significance to the local natives I organised for the elders of the three local tribes to walk in front of the Pantser with me. If we had to deviate from the path because of native title or cultural reasons I would analyse the possible impacts on native vegetation and habitat as well. The other thing we had worked hard on was mapping all ecologically sensitive areas for the locals and I'd have to take both of these into account in mapping a new path if required.

Lucky the Tree House technologies were being used by several Australian government agencies to do just this. We had to remember that Australia Day was the day white man landed on these shores a few hundred years ago. The aboriginals had been here a long time before that. John Howard might never have thought it appropriate to even acknowledge this but most Australians are human beings and certainly do. We are mature enough as a country to respect aboriginal culture and understand that the maintenance of it is important to the nation.

Everything was going smoothly with the tree clearing when we heard the Pantser engine starting to make strange noises. Lamb quickly turned it off and let it cool down.

"I reckon that is turbine problems" said Duke. Just goes to show how much I know as I thought turbines were in aeroplanes- not tanks.

I stayed clear and let Princess and Dukie lift the hood and get into the engine. It seemed to take forever and I think Princess actually invented new swear words. Duke was on the beast and she had to make a few trips back to the Tree House to get "stuff" for them to use in fixing it.

I just sat back watching their hard work and admiring their eyes. By the time they finished they were so gorgeously filthy.

Princess Leah and Duke got back in the Pantser and went on for five minutes with some impressive technology words whilst they each flicked switches and watched lights and then Dukie turned the key.

A giant "whirring" noise started and the turbine leapt into action.

Princess Leah continued on with the work and eventually, without any further hassle we were at the "ten ways". The "ten ways" was just inside the jungle perimeter and was an intersection where ten roads met. We had constructed this with the local villagers. These roads all intersected at various other points around the jungle and none of them led to the Tree House. The ten ways and our road system had so far managed to keep every person searching for the Tree House confused.

This is where our new vehicle would be after we came back from the key ceremony. No-one knew what it was yet. We'd hand over the ice cream van and any other vehicles carrying girls that came with us to the villagers and we'd jump in the one vehicle. Once on board the new transport they would all be blindfolded. This is where Lamb wanted to start with the whipped cream and strawberries but I told her we should wait until everyone had a few Gins at the Tree House. We didn't want any resistance.

Princess Leah and Duke had started this thing where one of them would say "nice legs" to me and the other would say "what time do they open?" and then they'd fall over laughing together. I told them they might as well do something clever with that joke. I told them the Tree House bar was now to be called "Legs". They looked at me very strangely. They'd get it later.

I had a feeling there would be a fair bit of "legopener" coming out of the Labia to get the girls in the mood tomorrow. I didn't have a functioning distillery but I'd found 20L of Gin in some cupboards in my office from previous batches.

Back to the story. We went home and told Lamb the whole Pantser saga and the plan. She was so tired after a few days in Melbourne and being up all night that she said it all sounded terrific. Lamb must have some form of "inverse PMS" I was thinking. I am not sure what could possibly be wrong as she should have exploded with that news. Maybe we did have it all sorted and this thing of of the girls was a good idea.

Princess was cooking dinner tonight. I had to get on my bicycle and do a snappy 50Km around the jungle as I hadn't trained for 2 weeks.

Rocky and Honoruru knew what to bring and we were pretty much all ready for tomorrow.

Sleep well Tree Housers as tomorrow "Legs" Open at 2PM.

Lukie

XXXX

The Plan

Duke and Princess Leah had a good Rub-A-Dub-Dub Piliga Scrub after their big day with their tools.

After that we went over to Park Rd and saw Rocky for an Italian dinner. As a "ginger beer", herself we needed to get Rocky's brain working on what we had to do to to make Lamb happy that everything was ok.

Rocky was a bit perplexed as to why the girls had done what they had but she eventually gave us all the answers. Rocky is an electrical engineer but knew pretty much what we had to do. Rocky also has a great degree of respect for Lamb's talents as an engineer and it is nice to hear about Lamb from someone who really knows how good she is.

Today was another day to finalise the modifications to the Pantser. The Lamb was on her way back from Melbourne tonight and we wanted to have this thing looking spiffy and a solution to put to Lamb. The idea of putting up a problem instead of a solution just didn't sit well with any of us in this instance.

We awoke at 6.30AM in the Tree House and started the action. Well, we started and then decided that we'd need more sleep. At 9.15 I was looking out the window and Princess said "I think from the angle of the sun relative to the Tree House it must be 9.15". Sure enough she jumped out of bed and looked at the clock and it was 9.15 exactly. Princess Leah has talent.

Duke spent all day documenting exactly what was going and how they had done it.

Princess Leah drove me around Brisvegas to do the shopping for the "barbie" on Monday. It was getting pretty mental and we knew we had to get a bucket of food. We also had to get some clothes for the ceremony. I thought I'd wear a suit as I would probably have to make a speech. This idea didnt sit well with Princess Leah and we agreed on what we would both wear. We found an outfit each in various shops.

After that we went back to the Tree House and I pulled out some of the technology from the Tree House companies. It is all GIS enabled applications and we started to work out where to cut the roads for the new vehicle that Princess Leah and Dukie had procured. I still had no idea what the vehicle was but they said "give us enough clearance for a 5m wheel base and we will be right". Holy phark, what did they have?

I overlayed a series of topography, native vegetation,soil type, village location, waterway and DCDB maps and worked out the best possible route. I entered this into the Pantser differential GPS (for accuracy to 20cm) and we could put that thing on auto-pilot and it would work. Princess Leah still had to drive it but she would always knew where she was and where to go.

I was busy trying to fix the distillery and the girls finished the Pantser. I knew we wouldn't have the still fixed in time to make grog for the big day but I needed something to take my mind off everything else. We were starting VC discussions with new companies and I was stressed as all shit.

After we had all finished work we sat down on the deck of the Tree House, draped an Aussie Flag over the back deck and had a few beverages. Princess Leah decided to play dress-ups and we all laughed our tits off at the get-up. There is nothing as hot as Princess Leah in her suede "phark me" boots, Pink feather boa, pink sunglasses and jungle shorts and singlet.

I put Alex Lloyd on the CD and we chilled. I had to make a few trips to the Tree House laundry in between beers as we were busy washing hammocks and we'd have to install some new as well.

If Cap'n Dyke and Margo's Posse wanted to stay they'd need to sleep in the air as well. It is no use inviting people to come from afar for a party into the jungle and letting them sleep on the floor. You need air in the jungle and traditional "Queenslander" helped with air flow but we needed soorious air in the middle of Summer. I had entertained the idea of putting the visitors up at the Carlton Crest or letting them sleep on the boat- but this is very unAustraahlian. And I had no doubt they'd be having such a good time and wouldn't want to leave.

Anyone else that came for the party would have to get back into the Transport Dukie and Leah had and be taken back to Brisvegas. All blindfolded in both directions of course.

I cooked pork marinated in soy sauce, garlic, ginger, chilli and coriander and a big Asian salad and we all sat down and discussed how we were going to break the news to Lamb over dinner.

It was agreed I'd do it whilst the girls were downstairs. Things would be fine.

Tomorrow was to be a massive day for Princess Leah and Duke clearing some forest in the most environmentally sensitive manner and then we'd need a big sleep for Monday's festivities.

We were looking forward to all of this. We just needed to maintain our anonymity. It would be fine.

AUSTRALIA DAY 2008

G'DAY MATES!!

Welcome to Australia Day,2008. Hope it treats everyone well and you down a significant number of "stubbies" and throw a PRAWN or two on the "barbie".

Don't forget the official ceremony for the Tree Housers getting the key to Brisvegas is Monday.

See "youse" there.

In the meantime Duke and Princess Leah will be busy polishing the Pantser and we'll be out to pick up Lamb tonight.

Have a great day.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi, Oi, Oi!!

UNITED NATIONS POST

All day long I was busy working upstairs on the deck of the TreeHouse.

Lamb was still in Melbourne and we had a chat after lunch. Lamb's job is critical for her company and sometimes I think if she doesn't slow down she'll do herself some harm. That is the last thing we need.

I could hear the welder and grinder going all day long and it was more than pharkn annoying but I knew Duke and Princess Leah must be doing something important.

I put 5 Tim Rogers CD's in the machine and turned up the volume. Every now and then the power would cut out and Tim would miss a beat but it was all ok.

Everytime Princess Leah and Duke arc up the welder the power dips and sometimes we even get blackouts. The only way we'd get over this is if we had 3-phase power all the way to the Tree House and that would be a nice give away to the authorities wouldn't it.

Our current power was generators running on biodiesel or ethanol. Princess Leah managed to get a few good crops of corn or canola in every year and I manufactured the fuel in the Labia.

Anyway back to the welding. I thought it was time the girls finished the welding and griding and came upstairs for a beveridge or five. The sunset is beautiful as the Tree House deck overlooks the jungle.

I went downstairs and could not believe what I saw. Princess Leah and Duke had turned the Pantser into a bulldozer. I said "what the phark are you pair doing?". Holy shit these modifications have not been designed by Lamb, will not have a compliance certificate and therefore be unwarrantable, are not covered by our current lease or insurance agreements and basically are just ridiculous.

"If we wanted a bulldozer we'd get a D-12 for $500k and a good lease through Caterpillar. You have just turned an $20M tank into a bulldozer" I said. "Sooriously Lamb is gonna pharkn spew when she sees this" I added.

I had to admit Princess Leah and Duke looked gorgeous when they were all dirty and sweaty. But this was a catastrophe.

"Lukie, you may be upset and you may have a right to be" started Princess.

"The simple fact is we cant get a D12 imported for a few weeks and we need it NOW" said Duke.

"All the modifications are totally reversible and we now have a multi-purpose vehicle" continued Princess Leah. "I know you and Lamb think you need to analyse and assess and approve everything but this is real work, Luke. We don't have time to sit around and think about this for a week".

"And what on earth is the rush on for girls" I said as I tried to hide my anger.

"Well we have Cap'n Dyke, Hahnski, Margo and Starr Ann and maybe some others coming and we have a sourced an absolute motherpharkn vehicle to get us all home" said Duke.

Duke and Princess Leah looked at each other and started laughing madly until they both fell over.

"And what does this have to do with your justification for destroying millions of dollars of property" I said. Duke explained that in order to get approximately 50 blindfolded lesbians back to the Tree House in their new vehicle we would need to carve a path that is wider than anything the vans can get through.

"Whatever" I said. "But you pair better have this thing back to normal within 48 hrs of the ceremony".

I started to walk off when Duke told me to come back. "Let me show you" she said.

We walked around and I looked at everything. I had to admit it looked unbelievable. This pair are talented.

"When Lamb gets back we are going to get her to submit the documents to the patent office" said Duke.

"Then" she continued "this will be a massive money spinner for the Tree House.

"How so?" I asked,suddenly interested.

"Well we heard something very special on the Telegraph Cucumber from Bella and we weren't going to tell you until dinner but here goes" said Duke as she motioned for Princess to tell me.

"The United Nations have just announced that you are to take over the role as chief negotiator for the Middle East and Iraq" said Princess Leah.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Are you tak'n the piss? Because if so it isn't very funny" I said.

"No,no,no" they were saying together whilst running over and starting to lick me like a Chocolate Paddle Pop.

"And how does this make the Panzer/Dozer a profitable enterprise for us?" I asked.

"Well, stooopid, said Duke" laughing like crazy. "we know you'll get all of those hotheads sitting down and they'll all be talking and laughing. Next thing the reconstruction effort will hit top gear and they'll be needing more dozers than Pantsers and they will have to get them modified by us".

I could see her point. I could also see that this would be a big job for Lamb to manage as well.

I said "I dont want to go as that place is sooriously unsafe".

Duke said "Hello?" as if I had missed something.

"We are taking Lamb with us. Nobody messes with a bitch with guns and tits" said Princess Leah.

I told them to get their dirty little hot bodies into the tub. I was cooking dinner and we'd have to discuss how we'd manage telling Lamb about these modifications to the Pantser. This was her pride and joy after she did all of the sourcing, finance and insurance work for it.

The girls ran past me and went straight to write down the new supplies they needed. I went in and ran them a big bubble bath and they jumped in together. Sometimes I feel like they are my kids, not true jungle warriors.

The Preparation

The preparation for Mondays little circus was proceeding smoothly.

Lamb had to return to Melbourne in between to manage some protein making and distribution. Lamb is highly regarded for her engineering skills and has a heavy duty position in one of Australia's largest Agribusiness'. We are so proud of her. We were happy though as this travel out of the jungle meant she would have to pass through Duty Free and would be purchasing some cheap grog for us for the celebrations. I had blown up the distillery a week ago making a potent brew of Gin and so I had to rely on Mr Gordon for a supply.

Duke and Princess Leah had finished the maintenance on the "Pantser". It was ready for another mission should it be required at short notice. The Panzer was renamed the "Pantser" after our ride back from the Japanese Whaler incident. I won't tell you what happened in the drivers seat with Princess Leah all hot and filled with adrenalin and me looking like I'd won a wet t-shirt competition after exiting the Mighty River. You can just imagine. Sometimes the rules of "inter- Tree House" relationships get broken in the heat of battle.

We'd heard from Margo Moon that she'd be bringing the Posse over from The Starr Ann Chronicles for the ceremony. This was hot and the support is much appreciated. Lori at Hahn at Home was keen for a long ride, although she also noted that they had to get Cap'n Dyke- Pirate Queen and her crew to prepare for the long voyage Down Under. I knew for a fact that these girls loved goin' Down Under and they'd be here to see us on our big day.

Princess Leah was on holidays for a week and she deserved every minute of it. Princess and Duke were getting the Tree House ready for the party first. Lamb and I still had some serious training to do between now and then.

The Tree House companies had made some significant sales of our technology and the banks were off our back for now. We were being offered serious money through VC/Private Equity and we'd been there before. Today we had some info come in from our "Mates in the States" and we were looking intensely at The Funded on some of our possible suitors. Shit, we were just into doing good things for good fun and we desperately didn't want anything to happen to our vision or morals. We'd have to tread lightly and think carefully as we made our way through this maze again.

I knew Honoruru would be a good person to talk to about all of this and she'd be over for the ceremony and Jungle Party afterwards. Dr Skywalker would have to put on a suit again and get back into the thick of financial warfare.

In true Aussie fashion I loaded up the stereo with Powderfinger and let it blast as I watched the grass grow in the jungle below. On the big screen inside, the Aussie cricket team were struggling with Sachin Tendulkar still at the crease in the Adelaide Test late on the first day. As I write this, we just removed VVS Laxman with a beautiful ball from "Bing Lee". Lovely bowling Brett.

I heard "The Beast" coming down the road and I knew I was going to be very happy to see Dukie home.




Duke had been out looking at the parade route. She was happy that we could get in and out, meet up with Cap'N Dyke and Margo and her Posse on the Mighty River and get us all back to the Tree House without any followers. I wasn't convinced but apparently Duke had spoken to all of the villagers and they had agreed they'd give us cover.

Dukie agreed with the villagers we'd leave "Miss Whippy" at the jungle perimeter full of ice cream (Lamb was to secure this protein) and one of the villagers would drive it around with "Greensleaves" blaring until we were back at the Tree House. The kids would go off on the ice cream and no-one would know it wasn't us.

We'd be safely making our way back to the Tree House with the media and any followers chasing "Miss Whippy" full of kids and ice cream. We'd get Lamb to fill it with "Golden Gaytime" just to make it even funnier.

I asked how we'd get back from the village to the Tree House and Dukie smiled and said "Princess Leah has it covered". I knew we needed a big vehicle to cart all the girls. I also knew I shouldn't ask what they were up to.

Pharkn hell. It is going to be a magical mystery tour.

Wai, Hurro Dare Radies!

We awake the following morning with a big hangover and looking like we'd had some serious fun last night. Lucky we had the sense to pack the dishwasher and do the dishes the night before.

There were six gorgeous,naked babes in hammocks lined across the back deck of the Tree House. Honoruru rolled over and said "wai, hurro dare radies". Holy shit. Lamb and Rocky had their own issues with Engerish but Honoruru was something special.

The Telegraph Cucumber was ringing off its harness and I let it go the usual 3 or 4 times.

Honoruru finally got the shits and answered it. "Bella, it is Honoruru here. What the phark do you want at this hour of the morning?".

"Well Honoruru, the first thing is it is the afternoon and that means you have all slept through the morning sun. You probably have burnt norks if you've been doing the usual nudey hammock sleeping thing at the Tree House" said Bella.

Honoruru looked across and laughed at the even pinker than usual nudey bits.

"Well would you like to tell us something special Bells, or are you just calling to check what we got up too last night. Because, I'm telling you now you don't want to know" said Honoruru.

"Australia Day is in a few days and Campbell and BCC want to put the city parade and key ceremony back so that your day is really special" said Bells.

Honoruru relayed this message to all us.

"Sooriously, maate, that is so pharkn cool as Rocky and I need more time to build the chocolate machine and I have a hangover that would kill one of those PC's" said Lamb.

I agreed. Honoruru had some GST work to do for us and she needed to get that done before she could let her hair down.

Princess Leah and Duke were pulling the Panzer apart and wanted to have it ready in case we needed it in a hurry. "Be prepared" as Duke always says. So they needed time.

We agreed that it was better for us to wait to get our bling.

Today was to be a slow day. Lamb made the coffee and a breakfast with eggs, beans, sausages, tomatoes, basil, bacon and toast.

We spent the afternoon watching Lamb and Rocky pull apart and rebuild the AK-47 as the chocolate machine.

Then for dinner Princess Leah and I went over to Milton and got some Thai take-away. The squid was good. The yellow curry was fabulous.

Then we sat down and watched some old L-Word DVD's.

Everyone was too tired for more action.

We'd wait until the morning to hear back on the plans for the ceremony and Australia Day. The thing we had heard was that Obi One Kanobi was coming to the Australia Day BBQ we were hosting at the Tree House. Miracles will never pharkn cease.

No Cuntinuity

I just re-read the last post from the Tree House. I think it was very poor.

I think it is mostly because we were very very drunk.

There was no story and there was no cuntinuity. We need to be more professional.

We apologise for this.

Lukie.

Just Call Me Bubbles Darling, Everyone Does.

Lamb and I were sitting on the front deck of the Tree House admiring the rice paddies when we heard “Greensleaves” coming through loud and clear.

“Soooriously, what the phark?” said Lamb as the music got louder.

I said to Lamb “I reckon this is Princess Leah and Duke”. Next thing Lamb started pissing herself laughing as she saw what was coming up the road.

“Where did you get this vehicle from Dukie?” asked Lamb as Duke got out of the front passenger seat.

Dukie, laughing as she rolled out of the passenger seat, started to recollect her strip poker adventure the night before where she challenged Miss G-Stringer to a hand... And had a straight flush… matching bra & all to win the hand… and then some…

Princess… rolling at the picture of Duke in matching lingerie (La Perla at that!!!!) regained her composure to add…. “You think you would have the sense to actually trim the edges before you wear a G-banga!!!”

I reminded Lamb that we should never ask Duke and Princess Leah where they get their vehicles from.

Princess Leah and Duke had renamed the van "Miss Whippy". "You should see who we found in the back of it when we picked it up" said Princes. It appeared the G-Stringers had taken a hostage and had her stashed in the van.

Duke opened up the doors and out of the back of Miss Whippy jumped a blindfolded Rocky Balbina. “Holy phark this place rocks” she said.

Rocky is a full blooded Italian miss. Lamb and Rocky talked in Italian for the next 10 minutes whilst I tried to follow. It wasn't easy as they speak so fast. I did hear lots of "sexy". I think they were talking about me.

Anyway I knew they were up to something as Lamb started looking at her AK-47. I knew exactly what she was thinking. That the AK-47 would be converted to spray hot chocolate and Rocky Balbina (being an engineer- or “ginger beer” herself) was here to join Lamb in converting the AK-47 into a very powerful chocolate spraying machine. Apparently there would be babes lining the streets all the way into and back from the key ceremony and Lamb was keen to make sure they all end up in our Miss Whippy van line of fire.

Lamb and Rocky Balbina pulled out the CAD software and started to look at changing the AK-47 design to let it use chocolate instead of bullets.

We sat down to get all of the engineering issues sorted. We thought that would be our only challenge tonight.

Then we had a knock on the front door. There is only one person who knows where we live. It is “Honoruru”. Honoruru is our accountant and she has short fingers from using a calcurator. With all of the red tape and tax system that the Howard government implemented, Honoruru is so important to us. She is a hot chick as well. Anyway, Honoruru was here to look at a couple of leases and asset sales agreements for the bank.

We all sat down on the back deck and had a huge feast of thai prawn salad, lamb and potatoes whilst Honoruru went mental over our books.

Lamb and Rocky had some Chambord, I fixed a G and T, Princess Leah had a few vodkas and Dukie didn’t have anything as she knew she had a big job the next day. Honoruru had a few more Coronas.

This little ceremony thing was going to go off. It was so good that Rocky was here to help us with this new adventure. It was good to see Lamb had an engineering mate she could talk too in her native tongue. That tongue would be very much into the natives in a days time I was thinking to myself.

Honoruru couldn’t make it back to town that night as she was plastered.

So we tied up another 2 hammocks and Rocky and Honoruru slept with us that night.

Bling Bling We Own Brisvegas

So we made it back to the Tree House. Obviously all of the law enforcement officers had heard what we had done and we're letting us go home through the city without any issues.

Princess took the Panzer straight over the bridge, up Turbot Street, through Wickham Terrace and past Silverton Place. I was thinking we probably all needed to drop in and see a psychiatrist at Silverton Place but we were too tired to be sensible. We'd release later when we could.

I was dripping wet and had to get the lightsaber home for Lamb to fix. Shit, lightsaber health is more important than mental health surely.

Princess Leah was obviously upset even though she looked cool. We needed to talk.

Duke and Princess Leah helped Lamb get out of her outfit.

I put Ben Lee on the stereo and went straight to the fridge. I needed a big G and T. I'd get the others a drink later.

The Telegraph Cucumber started ringing and I let it ring out. It rang again three times before I picked up.

"Yes?" I said, exhausted.

"Campbell Newman wants to give you the key to the city as we are on every news network in the world tonight" screamed Bella.

Campbell Newman is the liberal Mayor of Brisvegas.

Apparently a ticker tape parade was organised for two days time. This was exactly the publicity the Tree House didn't need.

Just as I sat back and started thinking about all of this Ben started singing "There are no right angles in my life". I knew exactly what he was on about.

Princess Leah came out and jumped into my hammock. We had a big cuddle and talked about life and shit. Because sometimes that is what life is seemingly- shit. I know I shouldn't start a sentence with "Because" but I am way too tired to be pharked.

Dukie and Lamb had a shower and came out and saw us. We all lay there and discussed how we'd get to this ceremony and even if we'd go. Lamb decided that we'd go. As the queen of "wog bling" she wanted a big key to put on her neck. Well if we got one thing out of it, more "bling" for Lamb was a genuine motive.

I didn't know how we'd get there and back incognito. We certainly couldn't take the Postie Van as we'd give away who we are and people would probably start asking questions as to how we got it.

Dukie must have known what I was thinking and she looked at me and said " we have one day Lukie to get us some new transport to this parade- leave it to Princess Leah and I".

Dukie you are our "bling". Except real diamonds and gold.

Lamb started pulling the lightsaber apart to help it dry.

"You did a good thing today Lukie" said Lamb. The others concurred.

It's a team effort. "How about them Bronco's?" I said as if trying to make light of what I'd done. It wasn't like I'd really contributed before on the battlefield. Living in my own head was my specialty.

We had four hammocks lined up on the deck of the Tree House and we all slept like never before. Tomorrow would be another day and undoubtedly we'd be stronger and more committed to each other after it.

It is just what happens at the Tree House.

Goodnight girls. Sweet dreams.

Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love

As we approached the top of the Pass we could see Dukie standing in the middle of the road with a bewildered look on her face. "Well she's lost the plot I reckon" I said to Princess. "We're in the middle of a war zone and she is standing out like a sore thumb".

As we came up closer the look turned to one of hysterics before she was rolling around on the ground laughing.

"Get up you big goose, you are giving us away to the enemy" screamed Lamb from the top of the Panzer.

"Did you look in the mirror before you walked out the door Lambie?" said Duke as she regained composure. "That is the worst jungle outfit Ive ever laid eyes on. Looks like that getup Cher wore on the Turn Back Time video clip on the navy boat". Well lucky Duke hadn't heard the music when we left the Tree House.

"Oh maate, you can shut the phark up" said Lamb. "Soooriously, where are these bastards? Have you managed to find them or just been laying here thinking about girls and bazookas?".

"Well, actually, Mav and Goose have heard we're in trouble and they have flown over and sorted it all out for us" said Duke.

" The whalers are down at Southbank under the Goodwill Bridge. Princess Leah you head straight down Coro drive and up onto the bridge. Lukie catch a cab over the bridge before Leah gets there. Baby is at the entrance to the bridge and she doesn't know anything about this yet. I'll be picking her up and getting her the flock outta there first and then coming back to the battle" she said calmly.

Just like our best mate Duke to save the women first before putting herself back into danger.

"Luke you head over now, Leah get to the bridge and cover me. When I see the gay boys fly over I'll know you're all set. Off you go now and be safe, true warriors" continued Duke. We all had a quick pash and took off. Leah desperately wanted Lamb to come inside the Panzer but she wouldn't have a bar of it.

Apparently Mav and Goose had also said that there was some strange looking Pirate Ship in the distance and even a cavalry on the western front. I had an inkling that some of our new found mates might be heading over to help us. Whew they move fast!! Maybe it was that 4 Gigabyte per nanosecond cable we have at the Tree House that let us all travel at the speed of light.

Anyway I called 131008 and got a Black and White to Southbank. The driver looked at me, started laughing and said "you goin' to a fancy dress or something Luke Skywalker?" as I jumped in. I laughed and said "yeah- and it will be going off with a bang as Cher is singing." Funny bastards in Brisbane. I wound down the windows and let the jungle humidity seep into my skin. Shit I loved this heat and humidity. Made the babes glisten.

I got to Southbank and took up my position on the Museum of Contemporary Art (MCA) roof. This was fine for watching but was I supposed to do up here? I could see the Japanese Whalers and Sea Shepherd behind it. The Steve Irwin was close by. Steve was a mate of ours and the Australia Zoo was only an hour up the road from the Tree House. We still visit every few weeks just to see Terri, Bindi and Bob and see what we can do for the world of conservation and animal welfare.

I could see the Panzer approaching. At least Princess had changed the music and Neil Young was on. "Rockin' in the Free World" was the song Princess almost always had playing on her way into battle.

Baby started to move towards the Panzer but Lamb had her megaphone out. "Soooriously, we've been targetted by the Japanese Whalers and we know about it and we're here to phark 'em over. You wait for the Duke, Baby" she said calmly.

Baby stood back and let the Panzer pass. I could see she was impressed with all of this.

Next thing Princess positioned the Panzer on the bridge and directed the Lamb and the gun she was straddling straight at the whale boats.

Mav and Goose flew over and within a microsecond Duke had Baby and was outta there. Once we knew that Baby was safe we could start the negotiations. Or I would have negotiated anyway. How did we leave the megaphone with Lamb?

"Ascoltate me pharkn del ADN Im dei bastardi sooorious. Avete provato a prenderli a Kokoda e noi combattenti della giungla abbiamo vinto. Abbiamo pensato che baciato e composto. Pozzo voi pharkn del aint visto niente ancora. Sono l'agnello. Il guerriero della giungla italiano più grande mai per portare i fishnets e cuoio. Desiderate le mie donne, voi lo prendete in primo luogo."

I translated this as "Listen to me you bastards- and Im pharkn sooorious! You tried to take us at Kokoda and us jungle fighters won. We thought we'd kissed and made up. Well you ain't pharkn seen nothing yet. I am the Lamb. The Greatest Italian Jungle Warrior ever to wear fishnets and leather. You want my women, you take me first."

Lamb stood up and let a few rounds escape from the AK-47. "Oh shit" I thought.

I raced down to the banks of the river. I could see the Whalers were getting their harpoons ready.

Duke rode over the bridge behind the Panzer and picked me up and took us to Princess Leah and Lamb. We were now all on the Panzer or in front of it.

The Whalers let the first harpoon go. It went straight into one of the pylons of the bridge under us.

"These bastards fight dirtier than bank managers" said Duke.

The second harpoon nearly took Lamb's head off. "Get down" I screamed just in time.

Leah couldn't get the gun of the Panzer down far enough to aim at the Whalers underneath us and we lost two missiles to the salty water of the Mighty River. Leah looked at me and said "Lukie- time you stopped thinking and made a contribution to the fightin capabilities of this outfit" she said.

I knew what I had to do. I pulled out the Lightsaber and turned it on. Nothing. Try again. Nothing.

I stopped and looked at the girls. "Oh for phark's sake who stole the batteries from the Lightsaber?" I said. No-one owned up to it but I had no time to discuss it. There were spares in the Panzer and we quickly put them in.

"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" the magic lightsaber came on as a third harpoon missed us by inches.

"Lamb throw a 100m rope over the front of the gun and tie a truckies knot" I screamed just as the "Ghostrider" dumped a missile on one of the whalers. We had one less boat to worry about anyway. Shame those gay boys weren't thinking a bit earlier.

I tied the other end of the rope around my waist and ran back to the other side of the bridge. Without warning I ran back past the Panzer, leapt off the bridge and into the air. I was aimed straight at the remaining whaler with my lightsaber in front of me. The fourth harpoon was launched and just missed me. I didn't have time to worry about if it was going to hit the bridge, girls or the Panzer. I was flying in the air along the side of the whaler cutting it with my saber hoping the rope would pull me up soon. The next thing the ship started to roll sideways. The gash I'd made was about 20m long and it was obviously enough.

Luckily the rope pulled me up too late and I had flown past the sinking whaler and into the water. The Sea Shepherd came past and picked me up as I untied myself.

"WOO HOO!!" I screamed excitedly as I jumped on deck. I looked up and Princess Leah, Lamb and Duke had their shirts off and were standing on the top of the Panzer.

Lamb grabbed her megaphone and said "Lukie this is one for you!!". Next thing Elvis Presley "Burning Love" belted out from the Panzer music system and the girls were goin' off!!


Lord almighty,
Im burning a hole where I lay
Cause your kisss lift me higher
Like the sweet song of a choir
You light my morning sky
With burning love
With burning love
Ah,ah,burning love
Im just a hunk,a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk of burning love


The Sea Shepherd Captain said to me "You've got some mighty fine women in your squadron, Lukie". "And let's not forget to appreciate their bazookas" I said as I stood admiring them dancing on the Panzer.

I was back in the land of the living. My mental scars were healing and I was ready to rock. Thanks Lamb, Princess Leah and Dukie.

THE TREE HOUSE ROCKS!!

Games on Girls!!

"Sooriously" said Lamb as Princess Leah passed her another Chombard and Lemonade, "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy". Lamb was in the hot tub in the nude and Princess Leah was admiring her fiery italian eyes.

Wilco and Billy Bragg were playing in the background and we were all relaxing.

I was sucking on a very long Gin and Tonic and trying to stay right out of this conversation.

"Lukie, what do you think about this?" asked Duke immediately as she knew I was being quiet for a reason. "Mmmmm mentally scarred- don't go there girls". I replied.

I told Lamb that I was firmly of the opinion that whilst every woman in Brisbane wanted to jump in the hot tub with her, they were all scared off by the ever-present AK-47. "Well it's part of me and they have to get used to it".

Lamb was going to have to make her mind up about that as she said "I just want to sweep a woman off her feet."

"Only because it is much easier when they are horizontal" replied Duke as she opened another can of rocket fuel for herself.

I was laughing my butt off at this banter and it was nice to all be home and chilling out. I didn't care who was after us as the Tree House was safe, clean and we were all together. Lamb was making a big risotto for us for dinner later and we'd eat together.

Duke had a friend, "Baby", coming over who she had saved from another tribe at the Parallel Universe. A few months ago, the "Cunning Linguists" had Baby in the back of the Inferno Bar and were hitting on her pretty hard about the fact she came from Sydenee. The jungle can be a bit cliquey sometimes. We were having a latte at "the Flat White" when Duke heard about a girl in trouble at the Parallel Universe. Duke raced the Beast through the front door, grabbed Baby and threw her on the back. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" said Duke as she screamed back out to The Flat White where we were all having a latte. Yee haa! Baby lived on the other side of town and we let her come over every now and then for a feast. Generally when Baby is over we put on Kylie Minogue and do the "Salsa" on the back deck.

Lamb told me I had to see the funny side of the Panzer beach incident as it was hysterical. I had to admit I had to chill out, stop worrying, stop working so hard and get back into life. And the mentally scarred bit had to go as well as Princess Leah was intent on making me get back into one of my life's great pashn's- women.

The Telegraph Cucumber started ringing and old Hells Bells was on the line. "What da ya want?" said a Chombard soaked Lamb.

"Well Lamb, Ive got some news for you girls and you aint gonna like it" said Bella.

All we heard next was "ohhh my gooord, are you pharkn sooorious?" as Lamb leapt from the tub, grabbed her AK-47 and started running down the hall naked with a gun and a cucumber in her hands. If it wasnt so soorious it would have been funny.

Lamb dropped the cucumber and turned back to us and said "The Japanese Whaling Society know that Baby is on her way over here and they think they will capture us there when we pick her up to blindfold her- at the top of the Pass".

Duke looked at me and said "What the phark have we done to them?". I wasn't sure but one thing I hoped was that recent conversations with Cap'n Dyke- Pirate Queen- didn't mean we were suddenly going to be fighting for even more causes- including those of the ocean. Holy shit.

"Games on girls!!!" shouted Princess Leah as she "shotgunned" a can of beer. Down in one mouthful. She threw on her bikini and jungle boots, shotgunned another can of beer and grabbed the Panzer keys.

I could see Duke was ready for a biff as well. She threw on her leather jacket and aviator glasses and grabbed a belt full of grenades.

Lamb disappeared to get some kit on. Downstairs I could hear the Panzer warming up. I ran downstairs and jumped in- I had a few cans of Gin and Tonic to put inside the fridge. Princess Leah screamed at Dukie to bring her a 6-pack of Corona and some lemons and a knife.

"Pharkn hell are we fighting a war or going to a party?" screamed Duke as she turned up with a carton of beer. "Be prepared" she said as she dropped the beer in the top of the tank and then started the Beast. Dukie would race off first and do a "recci" and wait for the Panzer.

Well what happened next was a classic moment of jungle warfare. Lamb came down dressed in fishnet stockings, a black leather skirt that barely covered her waist, boots and a leather vest.

She jumped on the top of the Panzer straddling the gun, AK-47 over the shoulder and hair flowing.

Princess Leah quickly flicked the CD onto "If I Could Turn Back Time" from Cher at full volume and we started up the hill.

Lamb screamed back with "I always wanted to be the captain of the Sea Shepherd". .

There is one thing about living with these babes- life is never dull.

Monkey Business

"Sooriously, where the hell are you?" belted out Lamb.

"Im in Adelaide airport darling" I said as I tried to reconcile her excitement with my state.I was completely overwhelmed by the day I'd just had. I'd dealt with the banks by email and phone and maybe we had it under control. I thought I was going to be able to relax.

"Well I am telling you I just looked at the web at "The Vibe" and "The Jungle Juice" and it appears our girls have been up to some sooorious monkey business" Lamb retorted whilst obviously trying not to piss her pants. Lamb was still in Darwin waiting for her plane to take her home.

"Well Lamb I don't give a phlying phark" I said.

Apparently I should as Duke and Leah had been smoking up a storm. The Panzer had been recommended to us as something that could be taken into saltwater. The girls had decided to test it out and drove it to the Gold Coast for some circle work on Main Beach.

I knew I was about to arrive home and see the Tree House in a state that I would not be able to cope with and probably more of the local constabulary on the lookout for us. I had 3 hrs to kill on a plane home before the girls picked Lamb and I up together in the Post Van.

I was thinking I'd pack away my laptop, get stuck into the G and T and start planning the next jungle adventure. It was too much to let these girls into civilisation too often.

We had to get busy again, take on another mission and get ourselves occupied. Too much spare time sends these girls crackers. And for shits sake, I'm the one who's supposed to be mental.

Anyway hello woman in uniform- you can be my air mistress for the next 3 hrs. One Gin and Tonic with extra ice please. Ive got a big job to do when I get home.

See you soon girls.

Luke

XXXXXX

How much can a koala bear?

"You know I'll never forgive myself if any of you got hurt" I said as I poured another drum of HCl into my makeshift boiler. It's not that I mind Princess Leah and Duke lying naked in their hammocks watching me work, but I was starting to get soooriously concerned about the O, H and S implications of my rather primitive jungle lab.

I was under so much pressure with dealing with the council over the Panzer tearing up roads, the banks, the bad vibes from the editors of the local rags and not to mention my conscience with producing an outdated and unregistered chemical. If the government knew what we were up to out here they wouldn't be happy. I was thinking my brain was on overload and I didn't want to make a mistake that hurt anyone- especially those I loved so much.

But we weren't about to get sucked into Monsanto's advertising and propaganda for only using more expensive and modern chemistries for insect control and becoming more reliant on them. I had to keep this jungle lab operational and safe.

I was working on gradually converting the villages over to softer Integrated Pest Management (IPM) strategies using only natural pyrethrins for mosquito control. Princess Leah had been teaching the villagers to grow Chrysanthemums that we could extract the natural pyrethrin from.

I was also worried about local bird populations as the DDT was affecting eggshell thickness according to the latest research to hit the "Labia". I wanted safety signage up saying "Laboratory- Stay Clear"- Duke painted me up a sign that just said "Labia- Come in Here". Funny if this wasn't so sooorious.

I requested that Princess Leah and Duke go inside and put some kit on and get the Post van ready. We had to load it up with this latest batch of chemical and drop it off over at the elders place for distribution.

After that we had to make it to Brisbane airport incognito to drop Lamb off. She was flying to tropical Darwin to use her engineering expertise helping with protein production for the natives up there. It seemed that we were becoming more of a consulting outfit everyday. The following day I was off to Adelaide to work on environmental issues for the tree croppers down there. Right now we had a job in getting through the Quarter safely to see Lamb off.

Knowing the trouble we were having getting around unnoticed after the Panzer incident at the Parallel Universe, I sent Princess Leah and Duke off to find transport that would get us anywhere relatively safely. Well knock me over with a feather if they didn't come up with the goods. Once again, the safest option is don't ask how they did it.

They turned up in an Australia Post van the next day.

So the girls got their "Postie" uniforms on and we packed the drums in the back. Lamb was ready with her suit bag and laptop and AK-47.

We travelled safely to the local elders and dropped the drums off. All the little kids came running as they knew who we were. Princess Leah and Duke had given them a ride in the van after they picked it up and were on their way back to the Tree House.

Then we headed off to the airport and travelled safely through the Quarter. Lamb had her AK-47 hidden under the back seat. With all the security in place at the airport we couldn't let her take it on the plane. We knew she'd be safe as Bella had organised Maverick and Goose to escort her QANTAS plane to Darwin. Not that we liked QANTAS as they had lost my beautiful TREK bicycle twice between Brisbane, Perth and Melbourne a few months ago. Sometimes in Australia we just have to deal with a lack of competition and bad service.

And so we headed back to the Tree House. We were all busted and I had to have a sleep before heading off to that desert called South Australia. At least my best mate, Fat Slag, would be down there in Adelaide to have a few Coopers Pale Ales with (the one with the green label). Slaggos has a PhD from London University specialising in agricultural and developmental economics and she always opens my mind up to new things on how to help the local villagers.

I knew that Lamb would be safe with Maverick and Goose. I'd be happy and safe in South Australia.

My only concern now was getting our assets and liabilities and cashflow to the banks in 48 hrs to extend our finance and even more worrying- Duke and Princess Leah would be left in the Tree House unsupervised for that time.

I decided to just sleep and for once in my life and just not pharkin worry.

Whatever will be, will be.

When Leah and I were Little

It is an amazing thing when an organisation like Medicines Sans Frontiers agrees to work in a little jungle village. I can say that it changed my life and those around me.

When I was little I used to just run through the jungle with little care for who I was or who lived near me. A game of cricket where I'd get 5 for 20 off my 10 overs was my life.

Then someone said I had to put some clothes on and head into the local medical station and get a needle. I was worried about the needle- but where was I going to get the clothes from?

So these two wonderful doctors turned up- a married man and a woman- to vaccinate all the kids in our village.

And they had a little kid about my age and she was heaps of fun. Well she was just ok at the time but she was obviously looking for some fun.

I got my needles and then said to her that she should come and play with us in the jungle. Well didn't she want to play with me!! I was only 8 for gods sake.

Princess Leah turned up with her title already in place. She was a princess and had a good life ahead of her. Every year her parents would come back and work in the village and Princess Leah would come with them.

One year we were rafting down the Mighty River and Princess Leah looked at me and said "I want to come and live here- I want you to be my Luke Skywalker". I didn't know who Luke Skywalker was as Id never been outside 4064 but I knew it must have been important.

We were only 13 at the time. We discussed it with her parents and they were quite happy. I think they saw my desire to create a better world as in tune with their philosophies and this would be a good experience for their Princess. To tell you the truth I dont think they thought she'd last.

Every year they still come back to the village and we let them come up to the Tree House. They have to be blindfolded as well as no-one is allowed to know where we live and they accept that. They know I often put their only daughter into difficult situations but she is a true warrior and far more competent in battle than I ever could be.

Leah and her parents found the money to help put me through my PhD. I did it on protecting locals from malaria using modern synthetic chemicals. I don't feel good about the synthetic chemicals now but the villagers call on me for all sorts of chemistry related things. I know I save lives and it gives me great pleasure as the incidence of malarial related deaths declines every year in our village and in surrounds. Lamb keeps the chart on her wall as she says it makes her happier than anything else in life.

Anyway the Princess and I are mates for life. Duke and Lamb as well- but I know what Princess Leah did for me. She is a selfless giver and I love her for that.

The Big Clean Up

After a couple of hours in the stretcher I woke up and decided that something had to be done with the Tree House.

I walked out and thought I'd have to wake everyone up. It turned out Lamb was sitting on the deck going through budgets and in sooorious thought. I love the fact that Lamb instinctively knows when Im suffering from stress and just digs in.

I could hear the rustle downstairs and knew Duke and Princess Leah were working on the Panzer. It's another thing I don't have to think about- the artillery-as Duke and the Princess just make sure it is all well oiled.

So I emerged with some serious bedhead and looking unglamorous. Princess ran up the stairs and screamed "she's pharkin ready for another mission".

We knew we couldn't head out yet but the Panzer was ready. Princess had a little bikini and her jungle boots on and she was covered in mud and grease. I looked at Lamb and told her to get her eyes back into her head. Jesus Christ the Princess was one of us and there is no going there.

I said to everyone we have 2 hrs to clean the place up before we could lay around in the afternoon sun. Lamb fixed the vacuum cleaner and then looked after the lounge room. We loaded up the CD stacker with "Bonnie Prince Billy". After we'd exhausted all of his tunes we put REM Live DVD on our huge LCD TV. It was beautiful.

We got the Tree House polished and spiffy in no time at all.

Princess Leah then made a great stir-fry for dinner and we sat on the back deck of the Tree House and enjoyed each other's company. And after all that is what it is about- great people, great food and laughter.

Duke had a babe chasing her and we let her out for the night. As long as she doesn't let anyone come in without a blindfold or let them know where we live it is ok.

The morning after the night before

We were all laying on the back lounges deciding what we'd do for the day when the Telegraph Cucumber started ringing. We knew it would be Bella ringing to apologise for the lack of information last night.

Duke answered "Treehouse, Duke speaking". She winked as of course it was Bella as she is the only person who has our number.

She passed it straight to me as Bella was obviously her usual hurried and abrupt self.

"Luke you better lay low for a while as the shit is really hitting the fan over here in the Quarter" said Bella.

I responded with "well we aint in much of a state to get out and about today Bells- we let Princess Leah make the Long Island Ice Tea last night and there seems to be some empty bottles on the deck ".

Bells had a bit of a laugh as she'd had Princess Leah over for a slumber party before where Princess had introduced her to the marvelous cocktail.

Apparently the Zinger Breasts were really off their bananas and to add to our pain Brisbane City Council were looking for us as we destroyed a few roads last night in the Panzer.

Just at this time Lamb bought me a beautiful coffee and sat down beside me to listen in.

I motioned to Duke to open up the internet and have a look at "The Jungle Juice" website. Our antics were splashed all over the front page. Then she flicked over to "The Vibe" and we were there too. The Jungle Juice is the local jungle news website. The Viberator ("The Vibe" for short) is the daily lesbian newspaper. The editors of both are mates of ours and tend to give us good publicity- but not today. We were being painted as sooorious trouble.

I spoke to Bella for a few minutes and told her we'd keep off the streets for a while. The Tree House needed cleaning so that would take a few days. Duke and Princess Leah needed to get the service manual out for the Panzer and have a go. Lamb had a few days of budgets to get through. We were in go-slow mode right now and to tell you the truth we needed a break so it was ok.

I put the Telegraph Cucumber down and said "girls- we are on domestic duties for a while yet as we cant possibly go back onto the streets".

We laid down on the lounges and reflected on a pretty amazing night. We were safe, as what ever happened the locals wouldn't give us up and would protect us to the death.

I gave Lamb a massage and she fell asleep in my arms. I gently laid her down on the lounge and went into the Tree House, headed to my camp stretcher for a brains relaxation of my own. On the way I passed Princess Leah and gave her a quick kiss and hug and told her whatever happened she had to be proud. We hooked up as kids with an ambitious social agenda and phark we were doing it. It is moments like this that make you reflect on who you are and why you do what you do.

I love you Princess.

The Parallel Universe. Part 2.

"Requesting clearance for tower fly-by" said Duke as we rode into the Parallel Universe at top speed.

"Negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full" came back from the tower. Duke gets pissed off when we are mistaken for our Navy flying mates, Maverick and Goose. A squadron we might be, but that is only for naming convenience. We are definitely a land based fighting unit. The "Beast" just happens to fly when Duke is at the controls.

Duke couldnt help herself and did three laps inside the Parallel Universe before we all fell off laughing. Everyone was glad to see their guerrilla fighting mates from 4064.

Holy Shit I'm thinking as we have only had a coffee. Tonight is going to go right off as we get back into civilisation. Well if that is what you call it as the UN peacekeepers had only just started to rebuild the Chinese Quarter. This was years after we had picked up Lamb after the last lot of destruction. It proves how dangerous this territory is.

We were all happily dancing when Colonel Slanders and her clan (the "Finger Lickin Good Zinger Breasts") strutted in. Luckily the bouncers picked up the weapons at the door or it probably would have been carnage from the time we laid eyes on each other. In the dark back bar of the Parallel Universe neither of us were aware of the others presence for a good while.

"Soooriously" said Lamb as she exited the front bar of the Parallel Universe, "I'm sure Colonel Slanders just turned up as I could smell those greasy drumsticks from a mile off".

I told everyone to be calm as Bella would have informed us if that sort of trash was in town tonight. And lets face it- Colonel Slanders only said bad words about us and we'd managed to escape and outrun and out think every ridiculous word they'd thrown at us.

It was no secret that us and the Colonel Slanders tribe just didn't get on. We fought for social equality and inclusion and they just fought for women to take back to their bunkers and turn into sex slaves. We had secured Duke from their camp in a trade for a bucket of Gin that Princess Leah and I had fermented using wild Juniper Berries and a still I had constructed from left over research equipment. Duke is such a top bird with a heart of gold and we knew she wanted to join our cause. But with Duke being such a great performer and leader of charitable causes now at the Tree House we knew we'd never be forgiven.

The fact that Duke and Princess Leah had the Panzer was really pissing off Captain Slanders- at least Bella had passed that information on to us.

And so we waited to see if it was true that the Zingers were here. Then the smell engulfed the "Inferno Bar" at the Parallel Universe. The "Inferno Bar" was labelled after Princess Leah let off a flamethrower at midnight on New Years Eve 3 years ago and took out 3 toilets and the entire contents of the spirits section of the bar. It was a riot that we are proud of.

As the smell got stronger and stronger we knew we were in trouble. I told everyone to split up and keep in contact via SMS. Before we knew it, Colonel Slanders and the Zingers had Duke holed up and asking about her social convictions. I was pissed off but I knew we'd have to deal with this in a calm and calculated manner. I told Princess and Lamb to stay away and I'd head in and negotiate.

Well, didn't the pooh hit the Mistral at that point. "No Luke we are sick of your negotiating and promises" said the Colonel, " we got your gin and it was less than 37% alcohol and we're taking her back". I couldn't believe we'd fkd up on that titration as I'm a well respected chemist. I thought we cant argue with that now- we just have to dig in.

Colonel Slanders said "tell us if you've got the Leopard Panzer and if we can lease off you at 12% with a balloon of 40% over 8 years and we might release her". I knew she hadn't named the price -only the payment terms- so I thought here was my chance to start the negotiations.

I was desperately trying to get to Lamb and Princess Leah whilst I was thinking of the price but they were MIA. Shit, I thought. And where the fuck are Maverick and Goose- those gay boys always let you down in a lesbian fire fight.

Next thing the whole side wall of the Parallel Universe fell over. The Inferno Bar was completely lost in a big mother of a green machine. I took cover and grabbed Duke and pulled her aside. If their was one woman I could save straight away it was Duke.

We looked up as the dust cleared to see Lamb hanging out the top of the Panzer with a megaphone. She must have signed the lease agreement in a hurry and picked up the keys. Princess Leah must be inside as she was the only one with a licence to drive heavy vehicles.

"radrizzili che i limoni lasciano il mio lukie ed il dukie andare e noi risparmieranno le donne in thebar. se venite dopo che noi noi prendiamo tutte le vostre altre donne e le incitiamo a falciare il nostro prato ed a renderci il gin ed il tonico per il loro resto delle loro vite" came through loud and clear.

Oh shit I thought- Lamb always reverts to Italian when she is under pressure.

Roughly translated she said the following:

"Right you lemons let my Lukie and Dukie go and we will spare the women in the bar. If you come after us we will take all your other women and make them mow our lawn and make us Gin and Tonic for their rest of their lives."

I grabbed Duke and we jumped onto the top of the tank and Lamb pulled us in.

We raced home to the Tree House. Leah drove. We dropped Duke off to pick up the beast at the car park.

All the way home in the Panzer, Princess Leah had "Peaches" on. Cool. When we got home Duke had Leonard Cohen on in the Tree House.

We didn't realise it but Duke had grabbed 3 bottles of Gin and 3 of Vodka in the dust and dark and had them lined up for us when we returned.

We pulled the lounges out and lit the DDT infused incense sticks and slept on the back deck of the Tree House that night. All cuddled up and knowing we were safe.

Lamb and I had a quick discussion on the whole issue of financing the Panzer and our Capex budget but agreed we'd talk to the accountants the next day. We don't know depreciation schedules on jungle warfare stuff and we might be better buying than leasing but we can change it easily enough.

Duke and Princess Leah were already asleep after planning the next days attack on the magnetic white board.

We knew what we had to do and we were ready for the next battle.

Sleep well, all of us social warriors fighting against the dark forces of evil. Another weekend in the jungles of 4064 is over.

Lukie
XXXXX

The Parallel Universe. Part 1.

So we knew we had to head into town and visit the Brains Trust and maybe bust a move on the dancefloor. Whilst the trip was recorded in our travel logs as "reconnaissance" for tax purposes we all know what was really going on.

We'd been in the jungle for way too long and the girls were getting restless. We'd have to leave the treehouse with the PC's for the night.

I notice Princess Leah was putting the police uniform on as I walked past her room. I swear I don't know how she manages to find her cot most nights in that debacle. Anyway that shirt generally means big trouble is on the way. "You'll be keeping them bazooka's tucked away tonight with the safety catch on won't you, Princess" I said as I stopped to admire her eyes. Duke just looked at Princess Leah and together they smiled back at me- "we will use those weapons as our surprise element" they were thinking simultaneously. They have yet to work out I can read their minds.

Typically we head into town on Duke's beast. On nights when we think there will be some sweet action coming home with us we might catch the 375 into town or possibly even a rickshaw. Then we pick up a coffee from Bella to get us some early buzz and hear the word on the street. After we know it's safe we'll head to the Parallel Universe.

I reinforced to everyone the need to behave. Bella had sent us a message through the Telegraph Cucumber that the word on the street is that Princess Leah and Duke had managed to find a Leopard Panzer tank on the black market and everyone is as jealous as all shit. Lamb and I were busy trying to finance and insure it. We couldn't handle any discussion of this whilst everything was so delicately balanced.

I told them no causing trouble and if anyone does corner you tell them we've been on eBay and we're just looking like everyone else is.


So finally I had everyone ready and we decided we'd all hang off Duke's beast into town. On our way into town for a night out Princess always wants to sit facing me with her legs wrapped around me behind Duke. It is my perfume I think and I just let her do what she wants - Duke says its allright as long as she sits still. Lamb sat on the fuel tank with her wild hair blowing in the wind and her AK-47 strung over her shoulder.

We were looking good and smelling pertty after all those months working hard in the jungle and sun and then having a hot tub at the Treehouse before we headed out.

We stopped at The Flat White and caught up with Bella. The word was still out- we had the Panzer and the other chicks weren't happy. How on earth do we get all the good deals? Well its pretty simple but I'm not about to let it our here.

We sat and enjoyed our latte. Oh god that is good I thought to myself. I told Lamb she'd have to get in there and play havoc with Bella's mind and pay her in sexual favours. If the banks were going to be pricks about getting our cash back and we still had to finance the Panzer we needed to be creative.

After she'd paid for the 4 latte's we jumped back onto the beast and Duke gunned it down to the Parallel Universe.

And what happened next would be enough to make you want to join the Liberal party, get a husband with a law degree, a McMansion and BMW X-5 and 3 rug rats to go with it. I thought these girls had put us into slippery situations before- but this was soooorious.

The Lamb Part 2.

So we arrived home after 4 minutes ride holding on to Duke and her "Beast". Princess Leah sits on the handlebars most rides as she is gorgeous AND fearless . Duke takes the controls and I sit facing backwards with my rifle poised.

Today we all had to hold our new captive under our left arms as we couldn't get her onto the seat between Duke and I. Like a missile strapped onto the side of a plane. We had Miss Italy (we thought she was Italian as that ripped shirt of hers had a Lamborgini symbol on the front) laying along the side and we held her all nice and snug. Don't know how Dukie used the clutch on that bike but she's strong and good.

We quickly rode in under the treehouse and Miss Italy jumped off and straight away started searching the bushes for Charlie's. We grabbed her and took her into the house and started trying to work out how we were going to get into her pants or her head or both.

After a few hours we realised that if we could overcome this language barrier we'd have a warrior who has THE can opener for the biggest can of whoop ass we'd ever see. "WO WO WARRIOR". She has the scars to prove it. Got taken by a pig in the jungles up North and it fair ripped her stomach out. She sowed herself up and has been eating what she could hunt every hr since to keep herself alive.

Anyway we had alot of work to do if we were going to communicate effectively and find out the truth about that scar (I made up that story about the pig by the way).

I came across the idea of using the internet translation services. Free online. It would be fine when we're in the tree house using our work connection (4 Billion Gigabytes per Nanosecond) or even in the jungle as long as we could get good service for our Telstra 3-G network card. "That would be as difficult as turning pig shit into ice cream", said Princess Leah, "as Telstra suck". Leah was a bit "anti-big corporation" sometimes but I had to admit she was perfectly right. That's the thing I love most about Princess Leah actually- she is always right. And she's gorgeous and fearless.

Anyway it worked- my idea thanks.We decided we'd call Miss Italy "Lamb", as short for Lamborgini. Over time we came to rely less on the internet and more on our heads. Every now and then we still get online but mostly she is a fair dinkum aussie kind of chick. She fkn rocks.

We put her through engineering school at uni where she beat all the boys in arm wrestles and learnt lots of engineering stuff. And now she is 4064's resident engineer. We love you lamb.

All Banks are Bastards

Lately we have been hearing news of some kind of subprime mortgage crisis in the good old US of A. Yesterday one of the natives ran past on his way into the harsh interior to tell us that Citibank was looking for refinancing options. Citibank? No-one is immune from this one.

Well I'll be pharked if it hasn't hit jungle already.

The banks have been sending us smoke signals telling of interest rate rises and they are closing down small village shops and taking some of the huts back. Well I don't care and we'll fight to the death for us and our business.

We might be on credit for a while at the Parallel Universe and we'll do the dishes at the Flat White but I'll be fkd if Im giving the bank back their money until I'm good and ready.

They will not accept a veritable artillery of weapons as security- as per usual. Some kind of thing about their databases not capable of holding weapons descriptions. Try some imagination you bastards! The rest of the world (thanks to the good old US of A as well) is financed by or through weapons trading. Oh yeah and there's a bit of oil in there as well. Do we honestly think corn and sugar are the commodities anymore?

Good old slippery Johnny Howard has run from this mess and I hope all the villagers have a long memory of his mismanagement and censorship when next we pass out the how to vote cards.

In Kevin we trust. Maxine is pretty hot as well.

Which Bank? Who cares they are all a pack of bastards.