It was early AM when I awoke and all were still sleeping. It had been raining buckets overnight and the roads around town were going to be as slippery as all hell. I called Bella to make sure she was aware that the Tree House Challenge was starting in a few hours. She was well aware and said the Gateway Bridge was already chocolate block with families coming into town to see the spectacle. I was worried that this would set all the coppers off but she said not to worry as they'd have Bargearse sitting down with a pizza or eight by the time we started. Rocky was in town with Bella making sure they were ready for pizza deliveries.
I walked downstairs to check the Volkswagen. I could hear a deep moaning coming from under the bushes and sure enough it was China Rhino. China had her rollerskates on sleeping under a tree. She still had a can of beer in each hand and was incredibly pissed. I put an intravenous drip in her arm to give her some quick fluids and left her to sleep. She had obviously stopped at every pub on her way.
The VW was looking good. I pulled out 100 litres of "rocket fuel" from the Labia that I had especially brewed and poured it into my the fuel tank. That'll phark 'em I thought.
Next up was Lamb and she looked like she'd had night on chocolate and coffee. Suitably pharked I thought. Honoruru, Dukie and Princess Leah were up at the same time, showered and jumped into their racing suits. Lamb was sooriously determined to wear her Cher outfit and we let her go. Baby was over with us and she had a grass skirt and bra top made of coconut shells and a racing helmet on. Why? I have no idea? These things just happen at the Tree House.
Bo and Luke Duke were here on time and waiting for us out the front.
When everyone was ready I went down and woke China up. I had managed to give her 2L of IV fluids and she was feeling super. She grabbed one of Lamb's megaphones.
"Righteo you lemons and Bo and Luke, lets get going with this show" she screamed. "The rules are you have to do three laps of town, the Ten Ways and the Tree House. The first person to cross the line at the Parallel Universe 3 times wins. I will be skating into town and will wave the chequered flag.Anything goes apart from those basic rules".
"Start your engines" she screamed. After that we had to wait as she shotgunned a can of beer.
We were all in a straight line for the start and I was revving the hell out of the VW. I could hear the ice cream van was in all sorts already as it coughed and spluttered. "Would you like nuts with that double cone, Lamb?" screamed Dukie as she taunted Lamb.
In retaliation Lamb pulled out her AK-47 and shot three holes in the Postie Van. "Watch your tyres Dukie" she said, clearly pissed off that she had to drive the ice cream van. Rules are rules Lamb.
"Ready, Set, Go" screamed China Rhino and we launched into action.
I took off like lightning and I had to hold the throttle back for fear of launching off the road sideways. I obviously had too much power. Bo and Luke were going to be hard to beat as they obviously had a good engine in the "General Lee". Dukie was going to be a tough opponent as she is a seriously talented driver and had hotted up the Postie Van. She was not so far off the pace. Baby was right on the money as well in her Torana. Princess Leah was further behind as that Rolls Royce was powerful but too heavy. Lamb and Honoruru were way off the pace and posed no threat.
It took us about 20 minutes to get to the edge of the jungle. Then another 3 minutes to the Parallel Universe where I crossed first. I heard Mav and Goose go over head. It was great that Mav and Goose had made it as with all the rain in Queensland we had heard that "Bhumphark" airport, the home of all gay naval aviators, was under water.
There were people lining the streets in town everywhere clapping and cheering us on. I was having a great time. WOO HOO!!
The second lap stayed the same with me leading, followed by Bo and Luke Duke, our Dukie, Baby, Princess Leah, Honoruru and then Lamb. On the second lap I noticed that China was already at the Parallel Universe. She was skating down the side of the road with a Corona in each hand.
On the third lap Dukie started making her move. She passed Bo and Luke and was coming for me. We were out the back of the jungle when I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed Dukie had sprung a leak. The Postie Van was losing oil out the back at a rapid rate.
This was going to make it dangerous for the rest of the cars and I wanted to pull over and tell Duke she'd have to stop and fix it or retire. I called Duke on the 2-way radio and she said she'd pull over and we'd fix it together.
Next thing I pulled over and Dukie kept going. What the phark? Dukie wanted to win at any cost. And this could not have been an oil leak- this was a deliberate spraying of oil from the back of the Postie Van. "That's it" I thought as Bo and Luke and Princess drove past. I was very shitty. I got on the 2 way and screamed "This is not the end of it Dukie, I know what you are up to". Princess Leah came straight over the 2-way with "Have no fear Dukie, I'm protecting your rear".
This pair were working together. Phark it.
"Baby, Bo, Luke, Honoruru and Lamb work with me. Dukie and Princess have been up to no good and we will need to stick together" I said over the 2-way.
I eventually caught up with everyone at the front but it was impossible to go very fast or overtake as their was oil everywhere. Phark knows what the EPA were going to do with us when they head about this mess. After 5 minutes of racing we were about to enter the "Ten Ways" when everyone suddenly slowed. It was school bus time and there were jungle natives all over the roads. Holy shit, how did this happen I thought to myself. Why hadn't we thought of this?
I could hear "Greensleaves" behind me and looked to see Lamb and Honoruru catching up. The field was well and truly even now. All the kids wanted ice cream but Lamb fired a dozen rounds of her AK-47 and they all stayed clear.
I knew I had about 5 minutes to get in front. But what to do? Just as we started to accelerate Bo and Luke Duke slid off in the General Lee into the bushes. Baby blew a tyre as we re-entered the bitumen from the mud but kept going slowly. Princess Leah was now second.
Lamb screamed through the megaphone "go phark those cricket selectors Lukie". I only had a few minutes left and how was I going to do this? They were up the front side by side and wouldn't let me in.
Suddenly Dukie and Princess Leah both ran off the side of the road. I went slowly past and saw the front windscreens of the Postie and Rollercoaster covered in hot pink paint. They couldn't see through it and had crashed.
I couldn't see what happened and their must have been snipers in the trees. It was the trademark hot pink of "The Flaming Lips" skirmish team.
Baby and I battled it to the finish line and Honoruru followed us past the chequered flag that China Rhino was battling to hold up with beers in each hand as well. Greensleaves was playing as Lamb rolled over the line.
I walked downstairs to check the Volkswagen. I could hear a deep moaning coming from under the bushes and sure enough it was China Rhino. China had her rollerskates on sleeping under a tree. She still had a can of beer in each hand and was incredibly pissed. I put an intravenous drip in her arm to give her some quick fluids and left her to sleep. She had obviously stopped at every pub on her way.
The VW was looking good. I pulled out 100 litres of "rocket fuel" from the Labia that I had especially brewed and poured it into my the fuel tank. That'll phark 'em I thought.
Next up was Lamb and she looked like she'd had night on chocolate and coffee. Suitably pharked I thought. Honoruru, Dukie and Princess Leah were up at the same time, showered and jumped into their racing suits. Lamb was sooriously determined to wear her Cher outfit and we let her go. Baby was over with us and she had a grass skirt and bra top made of coconut shells and a racing helmet on. Why? I have no idea? These things just happen at the Tree House.
Bo and Luke Duke were here on time and waiting for us out the front.
When everyone was ready I went down and woke China up. I had managed to give her 2L of IV fluids and she was feeling super. She grabbed one of Lamb's megaphones.
"Righteo you lemons and Bo and Luke, lets get going with this show" she screamed. "The rules are you have to do three laps of town, the Ten Ways and the Tree House. The first person to cross the line at the Parallel Universe 3 times wins. I will be skating into town and will wave the chequered flag.Anything goes apart from those basic rules".
"Start your engines" she screamed. After that we had to wait as she shotgunned a can of beer.
We were all in a straight line for the start and I was revving the hell out of the VW. I could hear the ice cream van was in all sorts already as it coughed and spluttered. "Would you like nuts with that double cone, Lamb?" screamed Dukie as she taunted Lamb.
In retaliation Lamb pulled out her AK-47 and shot three holes in the Postie Van. "Watch your tyres Dukie" she said, clearly pissed off that she had to drive the ice cream van. Rules are rules Lamb.
"Ready, Set, Go" screamed China Rhino and we launched into action.
I took off like lightning and I had to hold the throttle back for fear of launching off the road sideways. I obviously had too much power. Bo and Luke were going to be hard to beat as they obviously had a good engine in the "General Lee". Dukie was going to be a tough opponent as she is a seriously talented driver and had hotted up the Postie Van. She was not so far off the pace. Baby was right on the money as well in her Torana. Princess Leah was further behind as that Rolls Royce was powerful but too heavy. Lamb and Honoruru were way off the pace and posed no threat.
It took us about 20 minutes to get to the edge of the jungle. Then another 3 minutes to the Parallel Universe where I crossed first. I heard Mav and Goose go over head. It was great that Mav and Goose had made it as with all the rain in Queensland we had heard that "Bhumphark" airport, the home of all gay naval aviators, was under water.
There were people lining the streets in town everywhere clapping and cheering us on. I was having a great time. WOO HOO!!
The second lap stayed the same with me leading, followed by Bo and Luke Duke, our Dukie, Baby, Princess Leah, Honoruru and then Lamb. On the second lap I noticed that China was already at the Parallel Universe. She was skating down the side of the road with a Corona in each hand.
On the third lap Dukie started making her move. She passed Bo and Luke and was coming for me. We were out the back of the jungle when I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed Dukie had sprung a leak. The Postie Van was losing oil out the back at a rapid rate.
This was going to make it dangerous for the rest of the cars and I wanted to pull over and tell Duke she'd have to stop and fix it or retire. I called Duke on the 2-way radio and she said she'd pull over and we'd fix it together.
Next thing I pulled over and Dukie kept going. What the phark? Dukie wanted to win at any cost. And this could not have been an oil leak- this was a deliberate spraying of oil from the back of the Postie Van. "That's it" I thought as Bo and Luke and Princess drove past. I was very shitty. I got on the 2 way and screamed "This is not the end of it Dukie, I know what you are up to". Princess Leah came straight over the 2-way with "Have no fear Dukie, I'm protecting your rear".
This pair were working together. Phark it.
"Baby, Bo, Luke, Honoruru and Lamb work with me. Dukie and Princess have been up to no good and we will need to stick together" I said over the 2-way.
I eventually caught up with everyone at the front but it was impossible to go very fast or overtake as their was oil everywhere. Phark knows what the EPA were going to do with us when they head about this mess. After 5 minutes of racing we were about to enter the "Ten Ways" when everyone suddenly slowed. It was school bus time and there were jungle natives all over the roads. Holy shit, how did this happen I thought to myself. Why hadn't we thought of this?
I could hear "Greensleaves" behind me and looked to see Lamb and Honoruru catching up. The field was well and truly even now. All the kids wanted ice cream but Lamb fired a dozen rounds of her AK-47 and they all stayed clear.
I knew I had about 5 minutes to get in front. But what to do? Just as we started to accelerate Bo and Luke Duke slid off in the General Lee into the bushes. Baby blew a tyre as we re-entered the bitumen from the mud but kept going slowly. Princess Leah was now second.
Lamb screamed through the megaphone "go phark those cricket selectors Lukie". I only had a few minutes left and how was I going to do this? They were up the front side by side and wouldn't let me in.
Suddenly Dukie and Princess Leah both ran off the side of the road. I went slowly past and saw the front windscreens of the Postie and Rollercoaster covered in hot pink paint. They couldn't see through it and had crashed.
I couldn't see what happened and their must have been snipers in the trees. It was the trademark hot pink of "The Flaming Lips" skirmish team.
Baby and I battled it to the finish line and Honoruru followed us past the chequered flag that China Rhino was battling to hold up with beers in each hand as well. Greensleaves was playing as Lamb rolled over the line.
We got out of our cars to mad applause as Bo and Luke came in on a rickshaw. Princess Leah and Dukie came next on some bicycles they had borrowed from some natives. They were looking very sheepish, whilst being pissed at the paint bombing that cost them victory.
Rocky ran down and said "hurry up and get inside as Bargearse is after you all".
We raced inside the Parallel Universe to more thundering applause.
We managed to drink the pub dry of 4064 Squadron beer and were moving onto the heavy stuff when the "Flaming Lips" walked in.They had their paintball guns on their shoulders.
The Flaming Lips were all cousins from the "Lips" family and they all had first names starting with the letter L. They all had red hair and only wore bright red uniforms and used pink paint and we called them the "Flaming Lips".This mix of colour always made them look like they were surrounded by fire. The refused to use bullets but instead used paint as their weapon.
"Loose" is the leader of the gang and she walked up and said "Lukie Skywalker I owed you one and that is it- the favour is now returned".
I looked at Loose Lips and nodded that I understood. Last year I had saved the Lips from the Brisbane City Council accusation after a graffiti mob had only used pink paint and tried to have it pinned on the Lips. It was a serious offence and Bargearse had wanted to put them in gaol. Honoruru and I dealt with it via bribery and corruption as you have to look after the sisters in the jungle.
We managed to stay at the Parallel Universe until the following morning. We were absolutely slaughtered as everyone was buying us drinks. At some point Loose Lips walked up to me and said "I love you long time soldier boy". I said "oakley doakley" and grabbed the girls and raced outside to the Postie Van. It was time to leave when chicks start drunk talking like that out of the blue. Bella had organised one of the natives to come in and drive us home. We were laughing at Lamb's bullet holes whilst we stopped and got some kebabs with garlic sauce and tabbouleh.
Then home to the Tree House. China Rhino was passed out with her skates on and we didn't have to blindfold her as she wasnt seeing anything on the way home. We left her in the Postie Van whilst we slept in the hammocks upstairs and Honoruru went back to her Casting Couch. She asked if she could steal the "Me love you long time soldier boy" line and we went to sleep with her practicing that to the ghost.
Goodnight girls. May we have sufficient morphine to knock those hangovers out in the morning.
Lukie
XXX
"Loose" is the leader of the gang and she walked up and said "Lukie Skywalker I owed you one and that is it- the favour is now returned".
I looked at Loose Lips and nodded that I understood. Last year I had saved the Lips from the Brisbane City Council accusation after a graffiti mob had only used pink paint and tried to have it pinned on the Lips. It was a serious offence and Bargearse had wanted to put them in gaol. Honoruru and I dealt with it via bribery and corruption as you have to look after the sisters in the jungle.
We managed to stay at the Parallel Universe until the following morning. We were absolutely slaughtered as everyone was buying us drinks. At some point Loose Lips walked up to me and said "I love you long time soldier boy". I said "oakley doakley" and grabbed the girls and raced outside to the Postie Van. It was time to leave when chicks start drunk talking like that out of the blue. Bella had organised one of the natives to come in and drive us home. We were laughing at Lamb's bullet holes whilst we stopped and got some kebabs with garlic sauce and tabbouleh.
Then home to the Tree House. China Rhino was passed out with her skates on and we didn't have to blindfold her as she wasnt seeing anything on the way home. We left her in the Postie Van whilst we slept in the hammocks upstairs and Honoruru went back to her Casting Couch. She asked if she could steal the "Me love you long time soldier boy" line and we went to sleep with her practicing that to the ghost.
Goodnight girls. May we have sufficient morphine to knock those hangovers out in the morning.
Lukie
XXX
No comments:
Post a Comment