4064 Squadron

"Pharkn Hell" I was screaming by mid-afternoon as a client sent through a crazy "spec" that just looked like a dog's breakfast that had been shat on by one of those crazy cats.

I went out and put on "She Don't Use Jelly" by the "Flaming Lips" and had my own private little sing-along.

I went back and re-read the e-mail and reflected on the amazing work that had been done here at Tree House Technologies in the last few weeks. I wasn't sure but I think we have this project milestone covered off already due to Adam Ant's brilliance.

I sent an email back saying we had it sorted and we were ready.

I passed the email on to Adam Ant and he came back with "They should be using SOAP/XML webservices to deliver them a serialized object but if they want a dirty XML file we have it covered. It won't work in a relational database but that is their problem".

I was chuffed- we are clever and smart. Not to mention good looking.Next invoice ready boys. Thanks very much. Thanks to the Flaming Lips as well.

LSW

XXX

Everyone who is anyone in Brisvegas knows our Dukie and her "Beast". I am really over the fact that I am known for my ridiculous ideas and technical incompetence. I have requested that the Dukie teaches me to ride and lets me have the "Beast" for weekend jaunts. I am prepared to do her share of the housework and cooking to make up for it.

"Ok this is the story Lukie Sykwalker" she started as Princess Leah and I sat on the back deck of the Tree House. "In order for me to teach you how to ride and to LEND you the Beast I will require two things. Firstly, I need you to take over maintenance of the Pantser "feet"as I am doing my back in bending over to do it every time we go out. Secondly, I started riding on a Postie Bike and you will have to learn on one before I let you get on the Beast."

I jumped up and gave Dukie a kiss. Phark I love her. Was she soorious? How easy was this going to be?

Princess Leah looked over at me and said "now just remember the time you tried to put water in the air conditioner of the VW to top it up, the time you put the DVD in upside down and wondered why it wouldn't play and the last time you had to get one of us to open a beer as you didn't know which end of the opener to use, Lukie" she said.

"Oh for Pharks sake Princess that is bullshit as I've got a PhD you know" I replied. Jesus Christ when would they get it that my PhD was from the University of Sydney- the best. Reviewed by 3 of the toughest experts in the US,Canada and Australia in our field and I had three panel reviews for my industry work. I am not pharkn stupid girls.

The first thing I did was grab Lamb's bike pump and started running out the door. Obviously by "feet" she meant the Pantser tyres needed pumping up. I met Honoruru, Lamb and Long Hop at the door. "What's doin' Lukie?" they asked. "Off for a ride".

"No way chicks I am off to pump up the Pantser tyres". I could hear laughter from above but assumed it was another one of Princess and Dukie's practical jokes going off on our "certified engineers".

For the life of me I couldn't find the valves on the Pantser tyres. I walked upstairs after half an hour and pulled Lamb aside. My PhD is in chemistry and she could fix this for me. "No Lukie, this is your chance to prove yourself" she said.

I returned and after another half an hour I went upstairs and grabbed a beer. Dukie and Princess walked out from the "Casting Couch" where they'd been practising lines with Honoruru. "What's up Lukie?" they said together. I told them I was pissed off as I had a problem on my hands.

They walked downstairs and pointed out that the Pantser ran on tracks and that if I was half as smart as I thought I was I would have stolen a few litres of "lube" from them and applied it to the track rollers as my maintenance activity. Talk about pharkn cryptic. The Pantser doesn't have tyres.

"So Lukie you have failed the first test" Dukie said. It meant I couldn't start on the Beast at all as I had two challenges I had to pass. I failed at the first test.

"If you are thinking you can't win a ride on the Beast now you are wrong, Lukie" started Dukie. I was in awe of this woman who would give me a second chance. Such compassion.

"If you want to ride the Beast you will now have to learn to ride a Postie and you will have to beat Princess Leah on hers in a race" she said. Princess Leah was laughing but I ignored it. If there is one thing I have it is mental strength. I agreed straight away. "You're pharkn on" I said.

"Tomorrow at dawn you pair will be riding on the Postie's and the I will be on the Beast. This will be three laps through the jungle and the Ten Ways and winner gets lessons on the Beast" Dukie said.

How easy would this be? I walked upstairs after inspecting the "Posties". They were perfectly beautiful little Honda C110's step-through Postie Bikes. I shook Princess Leah's hand and told her "the best girl wins". I went to bed in my hammock but I could Princess and Dukie whispering and then Princess got up and headed downstairs. Banging and clanging all night and then it was about 4.30AM. Dukie woke up the camp with her usual rendition of "You shook me all night long" by AC/DC. Dukie you pharkn sooooriously rock honey.

After this mornings rendition I could barely phocus. I swear. Lamb was in her Cher outfit ready to fire the starters AK-47 to get us going. I rolled out my Postie and Dukie had her Beast. I was revving the phark out of my 7.5kw machine. Dukie was pissing herself laughing at me sitting beside her.

With a big throaty revving noise up came Princess out of the shed on hers. She had been doing modifications all night in an effort to beat me obviously. My heart sank as I was up shit creek without a paddle in a barbed wire canoe.

Lamb, Long Hop and Honoruru were laughing so hard they could barely stand up. Adam Ant came over to watch as he heard what we were up too and had been laughing at my plans for my "Dykes on Bikes" display for a long time. I had always wanted a "Postie" to take on Dukie. Chyna Rhino was skating around us singing "Lukie Skywalker is PHARKED. P-H-A-R-K-E-D" as she had another beer to wash down a breakfast kebab.

Lamb fired and we were off. I had no hope. We had a bag full of mail that we had to deliver as well as part of the challenge. We completed the first lap and Princess was so far in front I felt like giving up. As I passed the Tree House the first time Chyna was still skating around in circles singing "Lukie Skywalker is PHARKED. P-H-A-R-K-E-D".

I passed the Tree House and then had a brilliant idea. I turned around and rode up to Adam Ant. I gave him all of my remaining mail and said "we own a technology company, get these on email to all the natives ASAP please dude". Adam Ant looked at me and laughed "That's why you're the boss, Lukie, and here's a little something else". Adam Ant opened up my fuel tank and filled it with Jet-A1. I took off and nearly lost my head due to the G-forces. Pharkn flying.

I raced past Leah at the Colonel Slanders mail box as she still had a mail bag left to deliver. She had no idea. "Ha. Pharkn Ha!!" I was saying to myself.

I went past the Tree House next and stopped for an update. Dukie was only a minute ahead of me. Adam gave me some more Jet. I had Princess on the ropes but now I was gunning for Dukie.

At the Ten Ways I could see Dukie in the distance. She must have heard me coming and tried to take off. I was gaining but I didn't think I'd get there. Finally we were on the home straight to the Tree House and it was now or never. Dukie and I were within inches of each other for the last 2kms. I could see her edging sideways and I was determined. Finally I did my best Jackie Chan sidekick to distract her whilst I lunged forward at full throttle.

"Lukie Skywalker wins. I always thought Lukie would win. W-I-N" Chyna was singing. I looked across at Lamb and she confirmed it. "Lukie wins".

I was holding my 89 kg Postie (yep Adam Ant and I know the "specs") in the air as Princess Leah crossed the line in tears. Dukie's dust covered face had turned to mud due to her tears.

I walked up to shake hands but they both looked at me and said "You've got a PhD in chemistry we know Lukie".

The nerds win.

Goodnight girls.

Luke "I get to ride the Beast doo dah, doo dah" Skywalker

XXXX