Ok Princess

"Holy Pharkn Sunsets Lukie Loveradish where is my Bernard" screamed Princess Leah.

Well hello there Princess here he is. Just for you.

Lukie Loveradish loves Emmylou

And then it turned into PHARKN UNREAL!!

"Pharkn Hell" I was screaming by mid-afternoon as a client sent through a crazy "spec" that just looked like a dog's breakfast that had been shat on by one of those crazy cats.

I went out and put on "She Don't Use Jelly" by the "Flaming Lips" and had my own private little sing-along.

I went back and re-read the e-mail and reflected on the amazing work that had been done here at Tree House Technologies in the last few weeks. I wasn't sure but I think we have this project milestone covered off already due to Adam Ant's brilliance.

I sent an email back saying we had it sorted and we were ready.

I passed the email on to Adam Ant and he came back with "They should be using SOAP/XML webservices to deliver them a serialized object but if they want a dirty XML file we have it covered. It won't work in a relational database but that is their problem".

I was chuffed- we are clever and smart. Not to mention good looking.Next invoice ready boys. Thanks very much. Thanks to the Flaming Lips as well.

LSW

XXX

Honestly the day got worse!

Honestly, this is a normal day at the Tree House

It is just that it happens with us humans and not cats.

Who else is having a pharkn shit day? It is only 11AM and I am ready to hit the fridge for a bevvie. I am determined to ride 50km this afternoon so I will refrain. On Monday the bike made it to the front door before I decided the car was a better option.

The view from the front room of the Tree House is nice today though. Temperature is perfect, Wilco's"Summerteeth" is playing on Dukie's box, I mean the dukebox. The birds are all happy.

I have done the washing and I will now go and hang it out. Can't wait for the girls to get home so we can play up.

LSW

XXXXXXXX

Oh Please Dukie!!

Everyone who is anyone in Brisvegas knows our Dukie and her "Beast". I am really over the fact that I am known for my ridiculous ideas and technical incompetence. I have requested that the Dukie teaches me to ride and lets me have the "Beast" for weekend jaunts. I am prepared to do her share of the housework and cooking to make up for it.

"Ok this is the story Lukie Sykwalker" she started as Princess Leah and I sat on the back deck of the Tree House. "In order for me to teach you how to ride and to LEND you the Beast I will require two things. Firstly, I need you to take over maintenance of the Pantser "feet"as I am doing my back in bending over to do it every time we go out. Secondly, I started riding on a Postie Bike and you will have to learn on one before I let you get on the Beast."

I jumped up and gave Dukie a kiss. Phark I love her. Was she soorious? How easy was this going to be?

Princess Leah looked over at me and said "now just remember the time you tried to put water in the air conditioner of the VW to top it up, the time you put the DVD in upside down and wondered why it wouldn't play and the last time you had to get one of us to open a beer as you didn't know which end of the opener to use, Lukie" she said.

"Oh for Pharks sake Princess that is bullshit as I've got a PhD you know" I replied. Jesus Christ when would they get it that my PhD was from the University of Sydney- the best. Reviewed by 3 of the toughest experts in the US,Canada and Australia in our field and I had three panel reviews for my industry work. I am not pharkn stupid girls.

The first thing I did was grab Lamb's bike pump and started running out the door. Obviously by "feet" she meant the Pantser tyres needed pumping up. I met Honoruru, Lamb and Long Hop at the door. "What's doin' Lukie?" they asked. "Off for a ride".

"No way chicks I am off to pump up the Pantser tyres". I could hear laughter from above but assumed it was another one of Princess and Dukie's practical jokes going off on our "certified engineers".

For the life of me I couldn't find the valves on the Pantser tyres. I walked upstairs after half an hour and pulled Lamb aside. My PhD is in chemistry and she could fix this for me. "No Lukie, this is your chance to prove yourself" she said.

I returned and after another half an hour I went upstairs and grabbed a beer. Dukie and Princess walked out from the "Casting Couch" where they'd been practising lines with Honoruru. "What's up Lukie?" they said together. I told them I was pissed off as I had a problem on my hands.

They walked downstairs and pointed out that the Pantser ran on tracks and that if I was half as smart as I thought I was I would have stolen a few litres of "lube" from them and applied it to the track rollers as my maintenance activity. Talk about pharkn cryptic. The Pantser doesn't have tyres.

"So Lukie you have failed the first test" Dukie said. It meant I couldn't start on the Beast at all as I had two challenges I had to pass. I failed at the first test.

"If you are thinking you can't win a ride on the Beast now you are wrong, Lukie" started Dukie. I was in awe of this woman who would give me a second chance. Such compassion.

"If you want to ride the Beast you will now have to learn to ride a Postie and you will have to beat Princess Leah on hers in a race" she said. Princess Leah was laughing but I ignored it. If there is one thing I have it is mental strength. I agreed straight away. "You're pharkn on" I said.

"Tomorrow at dawn you pair will be riding on the Postie's and the I will be on the Beast. This will be three laps through the jungle and the Ten Ways and winner gets lessons on the Beast" Dukie said.

How easy would this be? I walked upstairs after inspecting the "Posties". They were perfectly beautiful little Honda C110's step-through Postie Bikes. I shook Princess Leah's hand and told her "the best girl wins". I went to bed in my hammock but I could Princess and Dukie whispering and then Princess got up and headed downstairs. Banging and clanging all night and then it was about 4.30AM. Dukie woke up the camp with her usual rendition of "You shook me all night long" by AC/DC. Dukie you pharkn sooooriously rock honey.



After this mornings rendition I could barely phocus. I swear. Lamb was in her Cher outfit ready to fire the starters AK-47 to get us going. I rolled out my Postie and Dukie had her Beast. I was revving the phark out of my 7.5kw machine. Dukie was pissing herself laughing at me sitting beside her.

With a big throaty revving noise up came Princess out of the shed on hers. She had been doing modifications all night in an effort to beat me obviously. My heart sank as I was up shit creek without a paddle in a barbed wire canoe.

Lamb, Long Hop and Honoruru were laughing so hard they could barely stand up. Adam Ant came over to watch as he heard what we were up too and had been laughing at my plans for my "Dykes on Bikes" display for a long time. I had always wanted a "Postie" to take on Dukie. Chyna Rhino was skating around us singing "Lukie Skywalker is PHARKED. P-H-A-R-K-E-D" as she had another beer to wash down a breakfast kebab.

Lamb fired and we were off. I had no hope. We had a bag full of mail that we had to deliver as well as part of the challenge. We completed the first lap and Princess was so far in front I felt like giving up. As I passed the Tree House the first time Chyna was still skating around in circles singing "Lukie Skywalker is PHARKED. P-H-A-R-K-E-D".

I passed the Tree House and then had a brilliant idea. I turned around and rode up to Adam Ant. I gave him all of my remaining mail and said "we own a technology company, get these on email to all the natives ASAP please dude". Adam Ant looked at me and laughed "That's why you're the boss, Lukie, and here's a little something else". Adam Ant opened up my fuel tank and filled it with Jet-A1. I took off and nearly lost my head due to the G-forces. Pharkn flying.

I raced past Leah at the Colonel Slanders mail box as she still had a mail bag left to deliver. She had no idea. "Ha. Pharkn Ha!!" I was saying to myself.

I went past the Tree House next and stopped for an update. Dukie was only a minute ahead of me. Adam gave me some more Jet. I had Princess on the ropes but now I was gunning for Dukie.

At the Ten Ways I could see Dukie in the distance. She must have heard me coming and tried to take off. I was gaining but I didn't think I'd get there. Finally we were on the home straight to the Tree House and it was now or never. Dukie and I were within inches of each other for the last 2kms. I could see her edging sideways and I was determined. Finally I did my best Jackie Chan sidekick to distract her whilst I lunged forward at full throttle.

"Lukie Skywalker wins. I always thought Lukie would win. W-I-N" Chyna was singing. I looked across at Lamb and she confirmed it. "Lukie wins".

I was holding my 89 kg Postie (yep Adam Ant and I know the "specs") in the air as Princess Leah crossed the line in tears. Dukie's dust covered face had turned to mud due to her tears.

I walked up to shake hands but they both looked at me and said "You've got a PhD in chemistry we know Lukie".

The nerds win.

Goodnight girls.

Luke "I get to ride the Beast doo dah, doo dah" Skywalker

XXXX

Oh Phark You're Hot!

Last Night. It was you and me. I wanted to lift you up and make you my Baby.

But you said "You've had 17 "Lukie Skywalker Wrecking Balls", Lukie Skywalker".



I knew you were right but when you left I knew I'd missed my chance. I'd been saving that pick up line for your for weeks. And then you just wandered out of my life.........



I'm broken and alone but Princess Leah just said "Pharkn get over it Lukie".

I'm better now. Thanks Princess.

I love youse all.

LSW

XXX

I've Pharkn Had Enough!!

"Finally, enough is pharkn enough" I screamed as I'd had one more call from Bella. I put down the Telegraph Cucumber and screamed at everyone that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I had been pushed too far. I had never been so angry or so determined. With the possible sale of Tree House Technologies the banks and others had decided that they would spoil our fun at five minutes to midnight.

This didn't really worry me as we had it under control with sooorious cash flow allowing us to pay back a 10 year loan over 6 months, but the harrassment was obscene. How much could a koala bear? Hang on I've used that in a post before so it will get better and more original.

I spoke to Adam Ant and we had it all under control with the money.

I decided I wasn't happy and I was going to make a statement. I didn't know how. I was good at writing scientific papers, media releases and marketing spiels but aggression and violence are two things I worked on endlessly until they become non-existent in my list of character flaws. Mind you the list of character flaws is still very very long.

I spoke to Princess Leah and Dukie and told them what I was so upset and angry about. After they had consoled me I went away and calmed down by myself. I got to thinking that we had it all under control and it really wasn't a worry. The end result of my thoughts was that this pain needs to be ended. Not in 2 or 3 months, but now. I will never have a business as successful as Tree House Technologies and its people vulnerable to a bank who don't realise providing bad loans to international companies for a short term profit is not good. For pharks sake, one of our banks had a $200M loan to a morally bankrupt and now illegal short seller of stocks. They also support deforestation and biodiversity extinction on a massive scale. What was I thinking?

I walked back into the Tree House to tell everyone I was on a mission to get stuck into work. The problem was no-one was home. The Tree House was eeerily quiet. I didn't like it.

Then I heard some massive noise coming out of the jungle and I knew they were up to something. I looked out and here was Dukie driving a massive crane up the road. Princess Leah, Honoruru, Lamb and Long Hop were on the front. They must have had a stereo in it as Powderfinger "Like A Dog" was playing.

Like A Dog lyrics

In all that he takes in all that he shows
The higher the stakes the lower the blows
And all the mistakes that he's never known
Whatever it takes he'll be stealing the show

Now he nervously shakes as we rattle his stage
But he's happy to be stuck back in his halcyon days
Now we're trying hard to reconcile a history of shame
But he reinforced the barriers that keep it the same

If you treat me like a dog
And keep me locked in a cage
I'm not relaxed or comfortable
I'm aggravation and shame
But it's a fine fine time for the people in the lucky land

If you treat me like a dog
And keep me locked in a cage
I'm not relaxed or comfortable
I'm aggravation and rage

Long Hop jumped off the front off the crane first and held her cricket bat in the air. "If they are gonna treat you like a dog Lukie, we are gonna show them some metal". I almost laughed but knew this was soorious. Dukie knew where she could get a massive crane and wrecking ball and the girls were intent on taking some uninsurable action. This was not going to approved by the EPA or the Department of Transport and any O,H and S laws were going to be soooriously breached tonight.

I quickly ran down the back and grabbed a heap of beers, gin, scotch and Chambord. I ran upstairs thinking if I could get them all pissed they would fall asleep and this idea would fade.

After a few thousand drinks Princess Leah looked at Dukie and they smiled knowingly. Long Hop and Lamb jumped up and ran to the shower. " We go first" they screamed as the others started to get their warpaint sorted. Oh holy phark what is going on. "Tonight is Scarlet and we are off" yelled Honoruru into her scotch.

Everyone got ready and we took off. For some reason that was immediately beyond me they wanted to drive the crane. Long Hop took over the stereo and she put on Billy Bragg's "Sexuality" followed "The Power of a Union" and then "Thatcherites". Long Hop and I share a love of Billy and I thought she was trying to make me feel good by playing my music. It didn't occur to me until later she was making a statement about the banks and capitalism and what was to come. Dukie parked the crane on the footpath on the corner of Leichhardt St in front of Scarlet.

Scarlet went off and we all got plastered. After a few hours of "Peaches", "Ani Difranco" and a few homespun DJ tunes Scarlet was closing. We had all had another 32,000 drinks. We walked out to the front of Leichhardt St to get into the crane. I was surprised as the crane was still there despite Scarlet being beside the Australian Federal Police. Had they not been curious as to what a crane and wrecking ball were doing parked on the footpath in downtown Brisbane?

We jumped in after getting a "Kebab with Salmonella Sauce" and started heading home. I was fully pissed and enjoying Dukie's driving when she started heading down Little Edward St. I screamed that this was not right but looked at all the girls laughing. Long Hop was standing on the front of the crane with her bat in the air screaming out a vicous roar. Lamb was half way up the crane with her AK letting rip and creating her own fireworks. I looked behind us and every lesbian in Brisbane was running behind us with the famous "Tree House Lesbian Molotov Cocktail" (Vodka Cruiser with a lit cigarette in the neck of the bottle) in her hand.

Oh Phark. Princess Leah had put Neil Young's "Rockin in the Free World" on the stereo. We were headed for the bank at quick speed and there was nothing I could do.

In an instant we had knocked the banks lovely neon sign over and taken out the top 3 floors. I looked down to see Chyna Rhino with a 2-way radio guiding Dukie. She knew where our records where due to her IT hacking skills. The moment the building crumbled the girls let go with the molotov cocktails to burn the records that were scattered and we were out of there. Princess and Long Hop leaned over and grabbed Chyna and pulled her up onto the crane. Chyna complained that she wanted a kebab but we threw her another beer and she was happy. Back up Little Edward and into the jungle. As we went past the "Ten Ways" we could hear the sirens from the police. I could see the ice cream van, the postie, the limousine, Priscilla Bus, the vintage car, the rollercoaaster and the VW all leap into action and start causing confusion around the "Ten Ways". Music from Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, R.E.M, James Brown,Billy Bragg, Wilco, Powderfinger, Kylie Minogue and Martha Wainwright was pumping out from the various cars just to add to the confusion.The local villagers were driving the vehicles. Dukie had lowered the crane and we hid it in the bush where the locals had built a cave for us.

We got out and hid for 20 minutes in the bush whilst we heard the sirens chasing after the Tree House vehicles. They had no idea where we were but thought we must be in one of the vehicles on the loose. After we hear the sirens off in the distance Princess Leah emerged in the Pantser. "Get in you pharkn lot" she screamed.

We made it home and could hear "Greensleaves" all night with the locals being chased until they ran out of fuel and gave up.

Just as we were getting ready for our hammocks the Telegraph Cucumber rang.

"You lot are in soorious pharkn trouble" screamed Bella.

I told her I didn't care and we'd wait until the morning.

Goodnight girls. I love youse all and thanks for your support. Sorta kinda maybe.

Lukie

XXXX

For Sale!

Finally the Tree House Technologies were made an offer too good to refuse.

We won't stop doing what we do but we will stop being so poor.

Well done Tree Housers.

Lukie S W.

XXXX

Brisvegas Centre for Recreational Excellence

The Tree House was alive and kicking this morning. Everyone woke up and got straight into more construction activity. We all decided we'd take a few days off from sooorious work and get into some renovating at home.

Dukie and Princess Leah had some mates who were builders and they said they'd lend us the tools and some building stuff. So they took off in the Priscilla Bus and the new limousine that the miners had "given" us and filled them up with nails, hammers, drills, saws, wood, bricks, cement and stuff. Dukie also had some mates in the shopfitting game and they offered to give us anything that we needed and Dukie managed to get all sorts of shiny stuff from them. Most of the stuff we had was stainless offcuts. Princess Leah dropped around to the Parallel Universe and they offered her everything that they were about to throw out from our recent renovations and others they had done.

Rocky bought over her CAD software and we downloaded it onto our servers. After this we had to decide what we were going to build.

It was not an easy task. I wanted to build a new shed for the Pantser so we didnt have to have it near the Tree House anymore. This would make it cheaper to insure as well.

Honoruru wanted a new office do to the business planning and accounts in as she was finding it difficult keeping all her paperwork together on the back deck.

Lamb wanted a new hut for the start of a rifle range. She wanted to be able to store a few million rounds of AK-47 ammunition.

Long Hop wanted a place to have a few drinks after cricket practice and thought we should build a grandstand for spectators.

Princess Leah and Dukie wanted a new bar in a BBQ hut up on "Sunset Hill". This was where we went with the native tribes when we went fishing and had corroborees.

Rocky said it would be nice if we had a classroom for the natives to learn in.

After a while we had heaps of good ideas and we really couldn't choose between them.

Honoruru suggested that make the most of what we had and see if we could build a multi-purpose venue. That was a good idea. So now we had to select which ideas we could put together.

After a couple of hours of hard thinking we decided exactly what we would do. It would be called "The Brisvegas Villagers Health and Recreation Centre". Underneath it would be a series of offices and a training room that we could use for education and board meetings. We would put it up on Sunset Hill nad this actually overlooked the cricket pitch so this was a great compromise.This all seemed fine and it would work until Princess Leah pointed out something very important.

With the increasing threats against us and our need for privacy as well we should build some of it underground. This was a great idea but how would we dig underground?

Dukie and Princess Leah looked at each other and screamed "The Pantser Conversion Kit". They ran off downstairs and started rebuilding the front end of the Pantser as an earth mover. I looked at Long Hop and she knew straight away what I was thinking as well. As an engineer (or "Ginger Beer") herself specialising in hydrology she would know if we had stable soil to dig and then build into.

We raced in and grabbed some of the topo and soil maps from the Tree House Technologies servers and started with some soorious investigations.

Honoruru was sorting through the materials we had and feeding information to Rocky who would have to design the structure. Lamb was giving Rocky a hand with that job.

After Long Hop suggested we had suitable geology and we wouldn't have seepage issues we started moving everything up to Sunset Hill. Dukie and Princess Leah had the Pantser ready and they took off with the Midnight Oil song "One Country" blaring and we all jumped on top. Long Hop was still relatively new and she loved the Pantser. I could tell from the smile on her face as she lifted her ever-present cricket bat above her head and screamed "Let it rip Tree Housers" as we took off up the road.

Long Hop, Princess Leah and I started unloading everything and Dukie started digging a mother of a hole where Long Hop suggested in Sunset Hill. Chyna Rhino turned up on her roller skates and she was absolutely off her chops and obviously needed another beer. We didn't have any but suggested she skate down to the Tree House and get us some beer and give the others a hand. Chyna is an architect and interior designer and she would be of massive assistance.

Then we heard "Greensleaves" coming up the road and Rocky turned up with the CAD plans. "Where is Chyna?" I asked. She opened up the back and Chyna flew out on her rollerskates. She was really plastered. "I got the beer Lukie" she screamed as she fell over. Chyna wore knee pads and helmet and elbow pads all the time and I know why. I can see why Adam Ant finds her so attractive.

Lamb turned up driving Priscilla with a heap of stuff and Honoruru was in the limousine with the rest of the construction materials.

Anyway we pulled out the plans and the girls said Chyna had made the finishing touches. They were amazed at her skills and so was I after knowing how much she'd had to drink. The other thing Chyna comes over for is a feed and she had grabbed enough food for a 4064 Squadron and she was going to cook for us all. I suggested she call Adam Ant and get him to come over and do it for her as this not a strong feature amongst her skill set.

After Dukie had created a big hole we got out the steel pylons. Dukie used the pylon driver on the Pantser to knock them in exactly where Long Hop and Rocky said.

After that we laid a few tonnes of cement. We mixed it in the ice cream maker in the van and it took a few hours. After that we put up the sides using some pre-fab concrete we had. Then the roof was built of pre-fab as well. This was a huge job.

Finally we started building the above ground walls. Honoruru, Long Hop, Lamb and I did this whilst Princess Leah and Dukie worked below with shop fittings and Parallel Universe recycled materials. Chyna was passed out on the ground.

The above ground walls were made of recycled timber and we attached a roof made of galvanised iron. We left a metre of open space between the roof and the walls for air flow. We installed some ceiling fans. Rocky worked in the electricity industry previously and she did all the wiring. We would need to get a generator as we couldnt possibly get 3-phase out here.

After a few hours Adam Ant turned up in his Chrysler Valiant. I told him Chyna was ratshit and she was on the lawn somewhere with her skates on. There was a tonne of food that needed to be cooked and he did his usual thing and got stuck into it.

After another hour Adam Ant called out and he had the food ready. Chyna woke up just in time for a feed. How unsual. We all stopped work and had a few beers with some of Ant's thai BBQ and salads that he had prepared. Amazing what that man can do. Then Princess Leah and Dukie said they were ready to show us downstairs. They had been hard at it.

We walked downstairs and it was like a scene from a movie. The girls had a floor made of some shiny surface and a huge bar made of stainless steel in the corner. A huge disco ball hung from the roof and a lighting system was pouring out every colour of the rainbow.


The bar was full of 4064 Squadron beer and ever spirit we had manufactured. It was truly special. "This will be really great for board meetings" said Princess.Apparently they had also used some persuasive techniques on the mining crowd and Mick Dundee had used his knife to secure us all of the materials at no cost. Cool Micky.

I couldn't see the use for board meetings but I didn't care. Princess got on the phone to the Freckles and told them to get ready for dancing lessons. Chyna didn't care either as she was first to christen the floor and said from now on she would be using it for roller derby training.

So then we went upstairs and started finishing the offices and school section. After a few hours it was done and we were exhausted and filthy. Princess Leah jumped in the Pantser and flicked on a new CD. It was time to relax and we put Hunters and Collectors on. As the sun was setting we heard the Pearl Jam/Mark Seymour version of "Throw Your Arms Around Me".




A classic sunset with some classic music and 4064 Squadron beer after a big day.

Love you all-sooriously,

LSW

XXXXX

Renovating Brisbane

"Holy Pharkn Ronald McDonald" screamed Lamb as we drove into town down Milton Road. We were all in the Pantser driving to town to see Bella. The Brisbane City Council had given up on trying to contain our use of the vehicle and they acknowledged that we were a law unto ourself by now. We needed to take the Pantser out for training runs every now and then and I had the "L" plates on and was steering through midday traffic. It was so much fun and everyone stopped and cheered as we drove past.

The local McDonalds chain had a sign up promoting a burger that they had named after us. Honoruru had negotiated the royalty structure and Princess Leah and Dukie designed the burger. As we passed their was a line up of sisters out the front waiting for their Tree House Burger. They all lifted their shirts as we drove past and Lamb let a few rounds fly from the AK.

We kept going into town and parked on the footpath. I took out a few beams that held up the awning and the front of Bella's Cafe fell over. "You pharkn lunatic Lukie" screamed Long Hop. Long Hop was accompanying us on more of our missions these days as were determined to take over the world of cricket and she provided advice at every opportunity. "Lukie, your Panster driving is as bad as your six stitcher driving" she laughed as she fell out the top of the Panster into the rubble.

I apologised to Bella and told her Dukie and Princess Leah would be back to fix it later. Bella pulled out the hammers and nails and some wood she had in the back of the shop and put them to work immediately. "Lukie you are pharkn hopeless and I've stored a whole heap of wood and fix-it stuff here as this is the third time you've crashed into this in the last few weeks" she said.

I couldn't argue and after a few hours and a few coffees we had it fixed. We took off from Bella's place and were heading back to the Tree House. "Let's go into the Parallel Universe" screamed Lamb. I couldn't help but think a few ales were needed. It was still hot and humid in the jungle and cold beer was always a good idea.

We stopped in and Mick Dundee was still there."That is not a knife Dukie" he screamed in laughter as he fell of his bar stool. Obviously he had been there all night. 'Where is my bus Mick Dundee?" laughed Dukie as she gave him a big kiss.

Harry was working behind the bar and he looked at us and smiled. "You girls won't be getting that back in a hurry" he said as he laughed. We all walked out to the "Inferno Bar" and there was Priscilla lodged between open doors. Apparently some of the Freckles dared Mick to drive in and he took them up on the dare. The bus was lodged and it wouldn't come out.

"No pharkn worries" said Dukie and Princess in unison as they raced out to the Pantser and reversed to the Priscilla. Honoruru tied a rope between the two vehicles and tied some of her famous "Casting Couch knots" on the rope then she jumped into the drivers seat of the Priscilla to help guide it out.



Lamb had her megaphone with her and she screamed out "give it a pharkn big one Dukie" and they gradually eased the bus out. The awning of the Parallel Universe fell over and I laughed myself stupid. We grabbed some hammers and nails and wood and did some more construction work.

Mick Dundee bought us all a round of tequila slammers with 4064 Squadron beer chasers and we finished off the renovations.

We drove home in the Pantser with Honoruru following in Priscilla. We went back past McDonalds and the line for the Teee House burger was longer and again everyone lifted their shirts for us. We dropped Mick Dundee off at Lazarus' village and he fell out the bus door. As we left I could hear "That's not a tank Dukie" as he laughed wildly in the dust to himself.

We arrived at the Tree House and I cooked a big dish of chicken, bacon, mushroom and cream fettucini and we sat down to a few dozen bottles of Nepenthe Sauvignon Blanc. We fell into our hammocks and slept like tradesman after a big day renovating Brisbane.

Anyone for driving lessons?

Goodnight girls. Love you all long time soldier girls.

Lukie S W

XXXXX

Another Pharkn Battle we WIN

"Holy Pharkn big hole in the ground " screamed Lamb as we turned up at the Ten Ways. There was a massive crater where Mav and Goose had dropped a torpedo and left a heap of mining executives wandering around in a daze. Their limousines had the windows blown out and they were all wandering out over the road with their ties around their heads all bloodied and broken.

We crept past. Well as much as you can creep past in a Leopard Panzer tank.

"No sympathy, Long Hop" screamed Dukie as Long Hop looked in disbelief and obviously wanted to get out and help.

We kept going past them as we knew we had to get home and see if their were more at the Tree House.

We arrived at the Tree House to see Lazarus sitting down with a bunch of fat bastards with cheque books. I knew I would have to negotiate.

Before I had the chance Lamb was screaming "get out girls" as she let spray with 300 or so rounds from the AK-47. The gunfire took a heap of the liquid lunchers out but she was so accurate as to miss Lazarus. He stood up with a smile. "Ive been playing them like a lawyer from the city, girls" he said.

Long Hop jumped out with her cricket bat and held it high. Some of the bastards recognised her and held their hands up straight away. "Aren't you famous with the ball missy" one of them said laughing. Immediately Long Hop belted him over the arse for being so patronising. He sat right down- well sat on his side as I imagined his arse would be mighty sore.

Honoruru jumped over the edge of the Pantser and raced into the Tree House and grabbed all of her rope from the Casting Couch. "Have no fear girls, I can tie a knot that will hold anyone up". I didn't want to know what that was all about.

Princess Leah raced inside and grabbed all of her feather boa's and dress-up gear to get them all photgraphed in precarious positions. I informed them all that we weren't the US Army and this wasn't Iraq and we wouldn't be making anyone do anything like that.

The girls rounded the rest of them up anyway and tied them up. I could see Dukie just wanted their Limousine to add to the stable of Tree House Transporters. I thought that was a justifiable activity.

We had 20 big fat men that we had to now deal with. What to do with them?

Honoruru could see instantly an outcome and it was way beyond what I could do in my anger. These guys had used their cheque books to find us and I wasn't happy. I could have let Long Hop take to them with the cricket bat and Princess Leah wanted to line them and let Lamb use them for target practice.

"So this is the story boys" Honoruru started. "We will let you go if make some serious promises that involve money, medicine and education. You let us stay here and manage the project, you get the phark outta here and we let you live. You will never report the location of the Tree House. There are many of your fellow Chief Operating and Financial Officers that we just killed down at the Ten Ways and aren't able to join negotiations with you." At this point I was bewildered but really knew what she was doing. Half of the fat bastards pissed their pants and then they all agreed in fear. We hadn't killed anyone but it was a nice threat.

Mav and Goose went over at that point and let another bomb fall in the jungle and they really knew we were serious.

They were all in negotiating mode.

Dukie and Princess Leah jumped in and said "and we want that limo converted to biodiesel Honururu" simulataneously. The fat bastards all nodded in unison. How easy was this going to be?

Just at that time Blondie turned up and whispered to me that everyone back at the Ten Ways had been sent to Royal Brisbane Womens Hospital for treatment.

I pulled Lazarus aside and he told me he knew they were coming and was holding them off. Apparently they had offered a few "mill" for sole rights to the land and gold and for the local villagers to evict us. They had some consultant generated word document on villager profile and what they could do to help. I flicked through it and it was the same old shit. No accountability- just pay the locals off and destroy the place.

I walked back in and said "by the way lads we need a new dance floor, a bigger still and a new cricket pitch."They all agreed wholeheartedly.

Honoruru was quick to grab her contract book and quickly whipped one out and Lamb reviewed it. She had Lazarus sign it and this meant it would be enforceable under Native Title legislation as well as everything else like Queensland and Commonwealth juristictions. I added a heap of clauses on carbon management and also included the RAMSAR wetland we had beside us and we'd have something under internationally recognised legislation as well. Princess Leah added the Heritage nature of the village buildings and that meant we had something the chardonnay soakers in town would care about as well.

Finally Dukie added a clause that "Force Majeure" meant that if she accidentally ran the Pantser through any of their offices in town we were not liable. It would be an accident of godly proportions. Dukie could always see herself as a god type figure and that was fine by us.

So we had a timeline of 5 years to develop this mine in a sustainable manner. 50% of production income was to go to the villagers. We didn't care about the Tree Housers as it wasn't our land. Lazarus was pissing himself laughing as the brothers turned up with Mick Dundee. Mick had just come down from Walkabout Creek and he was in fine form.


Dukie and Princess Leah gave him a big hug. They had met him whilst they were up North getting the lesbian zoo animals in the flood. Dukie started to cut the boys loose with her pocket knife. "That isn't a knife Dukie, this is a knife" he said as he pulled out his blade.

We all laughed. This guy should be in movies. He cut the rope of one of the executive fat bastards and they pissed themselves with fear again.

Mick told them he'd hunt them down from Brisvegas to New York if they dared to break the agreement. That kind of threat was worth more than any legislation.

There is no way this mine would be economical to develop with those caveats and they'd leave us alone for sure. Dukie threw the keys to the Priscila Bus to Mick and they all boarded and left with Mick driving. We wouldn't be hearing from them soon. As Mick left he said he'd drop them all off at the Parallel Universe. We laughed and quickly put in a call to the Freckles. They were dressed and ready for those boys.

The Tree Housers went out the back and onto the deck and we got stuck into the Gin, Scotch, 4064 Squadron beer and Princess and Lamb cooked us a feast.

Honoruru was awarded "Player of the Century" for her skills in tying knots around wrists and we all laughed ourselves stupid.

It goes to show that violence mixed with some soorious intellect will get you a long way.

I am very proud of the girls that make up the Tree Housers. And I am not being patronising Long Hop. Keep that cricket bat off my arse.

Lukie Skywalker.

XXXXX

Tree House Cricket Challenge

"Holy Pharkn Cricket, Long Hop " screamed Lamb.

We had to move the Challenge to one of the bigger ovals on the edge of the jungle as we had heard that there were a few people turning up for the days fun. We didn't have any idea how many were there until we walked onto the oval as we arrived. It was packed with at least 20,000 Queenslanders all sitting in the sun and drinking 4064 Squadron beer and eating watermelon. THey all cheered as we walked out to warm up.

We had a team made up of Honoruru, Lamb, Long Hop, Rocky, Dukie, Princess Leah, Camilla and myself and a few of the brothers from the village.

Our opponents for the day were a team made up of the Vaginamites and the Fanny Pack.

The Freckles turned up to be our cheerleaders. They would run around the side of the oval and get the crowd having fun all day.

We were still worried about people having heard about the Tree House gold deposit and would try and make a takeover attempt. We had the "Smulkers" tribe of locals in trees for surveillance and they'd send smoke signals if it looked like anyone else was coming. The Smulkers were called that because they came to parties and smoked like chimneys in the corner and then sulked that no-one would talk to them. Of course we wouldn't talk to them as smoking is so 60's. Honestly. So we made up the name "Smulkers". The Smulkers are also the group of women who invented our special Tree House set of smoke signals for us. They all sat around blowing smoke rings into the air and we were the only ones who knew what it meant.

Anyway, I digress.

Back to the Challenge. Not knowing who would be coming or after us or whether we would have problems with a battle on the way home we took the Pantser. Princess Leah drove and Dukie navigated. Lamb sat on the front in her Cher outfit and we played Billy Bragg on the way.

Honoruru gave us all a groin massage and we got into it.

For the opening we had Captain Bligh giving a speech about the Tree House and then kd Lang sang " Oh Canada". As kd came back to listen to Kevin Rudd talk Princess Leah said "this is Australia and it's a pharkn cricket gamel". kd looked at Princess and said "I wondered how you gals were going to play baseball on this strip". Talk about pharkn inappropriate but Princess has worked with tradesman all her lifer.

The Vaginamites and the Fanny Pack batted first. Long Hop opened with Rocky. She got 2 for 60 off her first 8 overs. Rocky bowled with Long Hump and got the next 3 in her overs for 35. Princess Leah bowled with me she and got 2 for 80 off 8 overs. I was wicketless but it didn't matter.

That left us with the tail to bowl. They wagged and wagged and wagged. It was giving us the shits and Princess jumped in with the AK. "Righteo" you pharkers and she took them both out. That was done. The crowd were a bit shocked but the Match Umpire, Steve Bucknor had no qualms with it. He is blind as a bat and deaf as a post and we just carted 2 dead bodies off the pitch and they were all out for 200.

Next we were into bat. Lamb was keen to show the value of hewr wicket and got 69. Dukie was a great partner for Lamb and just plodded along to 25 whilst Lamb showed some flair. Honoruru jumped in and hit 3 sixes before she was lbw. I walked to the wicket and hit 5 fours and then a single to get to the other end. Then I hit six sixes off the next over. Phark I was having fun as the bolwer changed.

Honoruru hit one straight to silly mid-on and it was over.

The freckles were nearly doing their poofer valves cheering. The Vaginamites and the Fanny Pack were not happy.

Long Hop started to walk out and we knew this would be the end . Long Hop would finish it all off for us.

I was standing at the bowler's end and I looked up at the sky.

The Smulkers were sending a message.

Trouble at the Tree House and get home soon. I passed Long Hop after her first single and told her we'd be out of there.

Princess Leah and Dukie must have known what was going on and next thing the Pantser was in the middle of the pitch with "You Shook Me All Night Long" belting out.

Long Hop hadn't been a part of a battle before but grabbed her and told her to get on board. Lamb had the AK-47 screaming and we were outta there.

It would take us ten minutes to get home and we were busy putting on our battle gear. I Heard Lamb telling Long Hop her cricket pads and helmet would be fine as we'd look after her.

We approached the Tree House and we could see Mav and Goose were over the top of us. Bella had obviously called them and they'd seen the smoke signals.

It is going to go off tonight. I was half plastered and so was everyone else. The brothers were with us and we had cricket bats, grenades, bullets, gin and tonic, the Vaginamites had the camels (despite the fact Princess Leah had shot two of them) and we were off.

By the time we got to the Tree House Neil Young was singing "Rockin in the Free World" and we were ready.

Lets get going girls. Lets phark 'em royally.

Tell you tomorrow what happens as I have to go now and look after my Labia.

Lukie S Walker


XXXXXXX

Oh Nick!!

Mining Royally

"Holy pharkn soorious money" screamed Honoruru.

We had one of our mates, "Beaver", over to look at the gold and tell us what she thought. Beaver is a geologist by profession and hence really good at going down under. Beaver pulled out all sorts of program to help us analyse what sort of yield we could anticipate from the gold deposit under the Tree House. IT was years since I'd done any of this krigging type analysis and I was busy trying to get my head back around the nugget and sill variances on her variograms. I was trying to put it all into plain english for the Tree Housers and for Lazarus.

What I did see and understand was very impressive.

It turned out we'd have a billion dollars worth of gold within a 1km radius of the Tree House.

We grabbed a few 4064 Squadron beers and sat on the back deck. A few Golden Orb spiders had strung massive webs that shone brightly in the sunlight. It was a clear afternoon and we could see the sun setting through all the massive eucalypts over on the ridge. Down in the jungle the birds were all singing in the rainforest trees. The possums would be out late in the night.

Just as we were settling down Princess Leah and Dukie pulled up. They had been fishing with some of the local tribes in the Mighty River and they had a heap of beautiful fish for dinner. They were planning on cooking up a big curry as a heap of the native villagers were coming over.

Are you getting at what I am thinking here?

Should we waste this paradise for some foreign owned mining company for a token effort in royalty payments?

I didn't know what to do and I was sooriously against any grab for cash that would deplete the resources of the locals and destroy the landscape for some immediate and relatively small financial consideration.

I have been through it so many times with the Tree House Technologies and life in general. If it appears easy now and someone wants to give you money it is because someone else is getting it cheaply and will give you a few bucks to ruin your resource, your environment and possibly your life. In the case of the locals in the jungle it would ruin an entire culture, ecosystems and hundreds of lives. And that is irreplaceable as far as I am concerned. You can run a technology company and understand the need for progress but not at the expense of some very important values.

So we waited for all of the locals to turn up. I'd be upfront and honest with them and let them all decide. I knew we would have to provide options. We'd have to commit significant resources to developing the place so they had all of their requirements and could be "wealthy" without financial rewards.

It turned out to be easier than I thought. Lazarus had organised a few of the Elders from tribes up north to come and discuss their experiences with mining companies. What they had to say wasn't good and it made my job easier.

I gave a presentation on how we could sell "ecosystem services" to the local towns and tourists and get income. This includes maintaining clean water and native fish stocks through riparian vegetation management, carbon trading through the rainforest trees and others. Instead of selling the land and the resource under it we could sell the carbon in the rainforest trees to a mining company to offset their emissions from other operations. We could go into ecotourist operations on the edges of the jungle and build loads of tree houses. We could pay the local communities for indigenous culture like art and dancing and put the proceeds back into village development. This would include medicines and education.

Honoruru was not a big fan of this as she could see come immediate benefits in cashflow from selling out but she also respected my position. Honoruru stood up and gave an impressive presentation on finance and business plans and what we could do with the locals and ecosystem services.

We all agreed we'd keep this discovery secret and start with more business development with our business and finance knowledge and see how we went after six months.

Princess Leah cooked up the biggest and most beautiful jungle curry and rice and we all sat down to eat. I gave the locals some more of our natural pyrethrin insecticide stock and we farewelled them into the night. They all seemed very happy but I knew I would have to talk to Bella and make she sure jumped onto anything that seemed remotely like talk of a takeover of the Tree House or jungle. If this news escaped it could get out of control very quickly.

I asked Princess Leah and Dukie to make sure our ammunition stocks were full to overflowing and the Panster and all our vehicles were ready for immediate action. Lamb was tasked with finding another dozen AK-47s and ammunition. Honoruru had to get onto China Rhino and make sure we had access to all information from the government on mining negotiations. Blondie needed to make sure that we had adequate stocks of medicine and bandages and surgical equipment. I sent an email to Blondie to get any of her other nurse or doctor friends on call should we need them. Princess was also tasked with making sure we had enough frozen and tinned food should we be stuck here for a long war. Princess suggested we also might need alot of toilet paper and we all agreed.

The Tree House had the water back on but we needed to make sure that we had alot of purified water in bottles in case we needed it.

Lamb suggested that her and Long Hop could take their swags and build a few more camps in the area so we could always disperse if we needed it. We all agreed this was necessary. Lamb also thought she would bring in a heap of UHT milk from work.

Princess and Dukie agreed to work with all of the local tribes to keep them focused on our plans and the need for protecting natural resources. Honoruru would use her influence as Chair of the Casting Couch Committee (it was only formed recently) to get the Vaginamites, Brains Trust, the Fanny Pack and all the other girls happy with the Tree Housers.

The Japanese Whalers were a huge battle, but that would be nothing compared to a war we would have with mining companies and even the Republic government if they got wind of this.

We would prepare immediately. If we had too, Princess and Dukie would lead the military in our most important advance attacks. Lamb and Long Hop would back up with the engineering division and Rocky would be there as well. Bella would act as surveillance. Honoruru and I would negotiate when we knew who we were up against. Blondie and her mates would look after any casualties. Camilla would keep the Tree House clean.

I think we have it all under control.

Goodnight Girls. You are worth your weight in gold.

Lukie SW.

XXX

Dig Lazarus Dig

"Holy Pharkn lots more water Dukie" screamed Lamb.

Next thing everyone was down underneath the Tree House and all hell had broken loose.

Dukie was backing the Pantser in after a training run through the jungle and she had backed into our water mains. The jungle had only just dried out and now we had water 20m high gushing from a hole beside the house.

Lamb was busy trying to engineer a fix when Dukie and Princess ran in and jumped on top of the water. "This wil fix it" they screamed in unison with big smiles on their faces.

"Get outta there you two before you do some sooorious damage to yourselves and your bajinas" I screamed.

Dukie and Princess Leah fell over laughing, covered in mud and still smiling. I am a Dr but I wont fix that kind of damage. Well maybe I'd take a look at it.

We turned the water off down the road and then stood looking at this great mud heap with water still seeping out.

I had no idea what to do but I knew the girls would fix it. I was walking upstairs when I heard Honoruru scream "that's gold in that water girls".Honorur grabbed a hand full of nuggets to prove it.

I raced back downstairs and looked and for sure and for certain there were huge gold nuggets in the water. Honoruru started laughing as this kind of discovery would mean we could reap rich rewards from the Tree House. The other side of the coin was that a filthy big mining company would be in here with government approval and destroy the joint.

We had to decide what we do. True to form we grabbed a heap of 4064 Squadron beer and sat down to discuss our options. We put some "Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds" on the stereo.

We decidely unanimously that we'd keep this a secret and discuss it with one of the local elders, Lazarus. He got the name as he was as strong as an ox.

The next morning we would let him know what was going on and as the traditional owner of the land we were temporarily inhabiting we'd let him decide. The most important thing was that if this to result in major investment from outside companies we would want to administer the project, any royalties and we'd insist on the highest degree of accountability. Luckily we have experience in these things and the last thing we'd let them do is hide behind some inept reporting scheme or a generic scheme such as ISO 14001. Five ticks on a letterhead doesn't mean much at all when you are pulling a pristine landscape apart and walking away with no responsibility to fix it properly.

Just as our discussions on that were finishing we realised we had no water. We had loads of beer and plenty of spirits from The Labia and mixers to go with it. But we had no water.

I suggested we should fill the hot tub with Gin and Tonic and Lemons. "Well we've got five lemons here already that we'll throw in" screamed Dukie and Princess Leah in unison as they fell over laughing again.

Well I think that is a fine idea. So we filled the hot tub with Gin and Tonic and the lemons jumped in.

This is going to make for some sticky hammocks tonight at the Tree House.

Goodnight Girls.

LS Walker

XXX

Blondie Joins the Tree House

Welcome to Blondie as our new Tree House Party member. I know it is hard but you will need to look after all of our injuries. I will be your Doctor at anytime and can supervise. You will be Minister for Health when we win government.

You are so gorgeous.

Lukie.

Tree House for PM

"Oh that's pharkn soooriously ridiculous Dukie" I heard Princess Leah say to Dukie.

I was in the kitchen and through the windows onto the back deck I could hear they were having a heated discussion.

Next thing, without warning, Dukie jumped out of her hammock and grabbed the Princess in a headlock. I ran outside and pulled Dukie off Princess Leah and pulled them apart.

"I'll pharkn show you ridiculous jungle bikini, just you wait" Dukie screamed as I struggled to hold her back. Dukie's aviator helmet and glasses were all crooked on her head and made her hair look bad. Bad Hair Day is not a good look for Dukie.

I told them to settle down as Lamb and Honoruru would be home soon after a hard day in town and none of us needed aggressive behaviour in the Tree House. Apparently Dukie had suggested that we should put Lukie Skywalker up for Prime Minister at the next federal parliamentary elections.

I couldn't believe what they were arguing about. I had already been offered a job with the United Nations and I rejected it as it was too much and I certainly couldn't take on another job anywhere as I was too busy. The banks had another go at us today and I had that under control but all of my focus was on looking after Tree House Technologies.

I went to the fridge and got us a six pack of 4046 Squadron beer and we sat on the back deck waiting for the sunset. Dukie discussed the logic of her proposal and I suggested why it wouldn't work. Princess Leah had taken up my domestic duties in the Tree House. Camilla was supposed to do this but she had become more involved in the lesbian zoo operations and we couldn't expect much more of her. I couldn't become the Prime Minister of this vast land and expect everyone else to do my jobs. Princess Leah agreed.

Dukie was doing her best to support her initial suggestion when Princess Leah came up with a compromise position. "I know Dukie, lets get a job sharing thing happening" she said. It sounded a perfect solution to me. Dukie smiled.

"Princess this life is all about compromise and when we are faced with a problem we need to talk it through and not resort to violence and anger" she said. Princess Leah looked at me with incredulous surprise. It was Dukie after all that had The Princess in a headlock. I just smiled and let it go. You will win any argument if you don't care who takes the credit is my motto in business.

So we downed a few more 4064 Squadron beers and discussed how we'd do it. We didn't want to take on the Labor Party but we wanted to keep the bastards honest. Sounds alot like why Don Chipp started the Democrats. RIP Don Chipp.

I suggested we stick with The Princess' idea of sharing the top job. Everyone wants to be on top. Well not in our world but they let it go.

We would form a group of people that would be "The Tree House Party for Organised Chaos and Social Equality". The only thing Dukie and Princess Leah wanted was that it would be legal to go shopping in a Panster. We decided then they would share the Ministry of Transport. I also thought it would be best if they shared Ministry of Infrastructure as that would let them see the damage their ridiculous Pantser shopping proposal would do and they'd be directly accountable for it.

Lamb and Honoruru arrived home and we discussed our plan with them. Honoruru and Lamb were both worried about our work load. We were increasingly being asked to open statues, buildings, beer and milk bottles and envelopes. It was taking its toll on everyone. In addition, we were supporting so many of the business ventures of the natives with planning and advice.Princess Leah had taken on management of a local floriculture business in addition to all her usual horticulture, cropping for biodiesel, insecticide and food and Dukie was a race official at all of the V8 Supercar rounds across the country. Occasionally Dukie had to jump in and drive as well. We were flat out. Literally in the case of Dukie.

Duke explained how it would work as we would all have duties but the Prime Minister's role would alternate with our ministerial duties. We pulled out the Gannt chart and decided we could do it.

So we are starting a new political party. "The Tree House Party for Organised Chaos and Social Equality" is born.

Dukie and Princess Leah will be jointly Ministers for Transport and Infrastructure.

Lamb will be Minister for Defence.

Honoruru is "Minister for All Things Mathematical" which includes Finance, Treasury and beer production.

Lamb is "Minister for Defence".

Princess Leah will look after Agriculture as well and Dukie will help her with that with "Gluten Free Agriculture". Dr Camilla Dolittle will help with that as well with the animal production side.

I didn't really know what to do as I never do much anyway. Dukie suggested I should be "Minister for Technology and Communications" and I said yes but I'd delegate that to Adam Ant anyway. That is our big problem- I don't really do anything but delegate.

So Honoruru came up with "Minister for Delegating Jobs That Are Too Hard" for me. I agreed that I'd take that on.

In order to fill all of the positions we will have to invite new people.

We need to put out applications but I expect that Long Hop will be our "Minister for Sport". Rocky will be our "Minister for Immigration". Bella will be "Minister for Surveillance and Counter-Terrorism" although she is really pathetic at all of this.

Applications will be published in the "Viberator" and "Jungle Juice".

"Holy phark news travels fast" screamed Princess Leah. We are only discussing this just now and Dukie just got e-mails from both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama saying they'd come and join us if they could. Well things are so tight over there that maybe they are both wanting a backup job.

Bella was on the Telegraph Cucumber and a good friend of mine, "Blondie", wanted to support us. Blondie is a nurse and lectures on nursing and we decided then and there she could be "Minister for Health".

I can't keep up with everyone that wants to join the Tree House. Honoruru pitched in with the fact she had an e-mail today from the producers from "Boobwatch" in the US and they wanted to come and join us. Well if that is what happens it is fine.

We sat on the back deck and listened to "Bright Eyes" and his "Cassadaga" album. Who knows what is for dinner and I don't care.

Good one girls and see you soon,

Lukie S Walker.

XXXX

The Cricket Challenge

"Oh Pharkn Hell Lukie the Tree House Cricket Challenge is goin' off" said Lamb.

I hadn't realised what we had started but everyone wanted to be in on it. Many of my mates had said that my Lukie Skywalker hair made me look and bat like Michael Clarke and now everyone was out to try and take my wicket. Apparently Long Hop and a few others had me as the first scalp they wanted. I was at long odds for most people but Long Hop would prove a challenge.

I had a trick that would keep Long Hop off bowling bouncers or yorkers at me and I didn't mind using it. I would offer her my Billy Bragg collection and tell her if I got my century she could take it all or I'd copy it for her. I thought this type of bribery would work. There was no way Long Hop or anyone else was going to take my off stump.

I discussed this with Princess Leah and she didn't think it would work at all. Princess Leah suggested we get the AK-47 out and take Long Hop "out" if she wasn't prepared to comply with such requests. I didn't think this would work as Long Hop had played against the AK before and whilst she was wounded she still made it through. I told Princess I could refuse to stitch her up and that might work. Finally Princess Leah came up with the answer. If Long Hop didn't agree to play the game my way we'd get out the Pantser and blow her all the way to New Zealand. Then she could play for them and that would be enough punishment for her. We would go over and pick her up when we thought she had had enough. It would be worse than gaol.

So we had our answer and all I needed was to discuss this with Long Hop and see what she thought. The hard bit would be keeping this a secret from everyone else. Princess Leeah suggested we just let it out on the blog anyway as we could always deny it.

So here we have it. The Tree House Cricket Challenge is on this weekend. There is no way that I will be bribing Long Hop. I will win and if not Long Hop will be calling you all from New Zealand as that is where she wants to play. If I win and she has all of Billy Bragg on her ipod next week it is because she went to the music shop.

The orders for the weekend are everyone must bring their own meat and beer. The BBQ will be on at the Tree House from 1PM. Honoruru please bring a green salad without onions or chives or stuff. Lamb and Long Hop please bring couscous salad. Dukie and Baby make it gluten free bread or a rice salad. Princess Leah and I will be making potato salad. Everyone else who turns up must be bringing meat and beer and salad. I'll get a bucket of "4064 Tiramisu" for the afternoon.

Lukie Sky W

XXXX

Oh Phark not the "Ferals"

The Princess and I took off for a weekend. I was very tired and cranky and needed some time away. Work was pissing me of royally and I was sick of the jungle. I love it here but every now and then I need to see the ocean.

There is a tribe down south of the jungle called "The Ferals" that need looking after. They sort of worship me from afar like I'm a daughter and I had decided it was time to catch up with them.

Princess Leah and I packed our passports and beer vouchers and headed out for the weekend. "The Feral" elders picked us up from the aiport late on Thursday night. On Friday morning the elders took the boat out and went to find some crabs up in the far reaches of the estuary. This didn't worry us as Princess Leah had a job application to do and I needed some soorious chilling out.

After the elders returned home without anything to feed the tribe we went to the beach and then had a bit of a sleep in the afternoon. That night we went to the famous "Country Club" and got blotto.

This was relaxing until we went home and realised the elders were actually the most popular of many tribes down there. Several of the tribes were at the "Ferals" place and the night turned into something rivalling a Mardi Gras. The major difference from a real Mardi Gras is that the "Ferals" use cask wine as a stimulant. We knew that we'd need to go to bed early as the junior Ferals were arriving the next day and that would involve loads of bad fashion from the girls and spear fishing with the boy.

The junior Ferals arrived and we had kisses and hugs all around. They were delighted to see us and true to form the girls were really badly dressed and had even worse fashion on their heads in the form of sunglasses. They looked like they'd crawled out the car through the front and the windscreen had stuck to their faces.

Young "Feral Boy" wanted to go spear fishing and we took him to "The Point" where his dad had spent most summers of a very bad youth. Princess Leah accompanied the boy on the adventure and she came out looking very brown and very happy.

That night we visited a number of old haunts and all the Ferals got on the piss big time. A BBQ for dinner should have seen us in bed but we carried on for more liquid to the Country Club to see a band and run amok. Of course we ignored elders warnings that more beer was not necessary. You can't claim to be a real feral if you don't act like one.

The next day we all had terrible hangovers from the BBQ and we tried to take it easy. Feral Boy wanted to show Princess Leah "The Sanctuary" where fishing is prohibited. After an hour of watching this pair wander around chasing fish we headed home for a few kilograms of prawns and some more beer.After all the junior ferals left we chilled out for a few hours as was required after such feral madness.

Princess and I took to the camp stretchers early and woke this AM ready for a trip home to the jungle. After driving through all of "The Bay" we were dropped at the airport. We told the Feral elders that we would see them somewhere and sometime in this magical country that they travel endlessly through.

Princess and I arrived home to a wet and overcast jungle and I got straight back into work. It was amazing that Dukie and Lamb hadn't picked up the Tree House and taken it with them but it was still here. Princess did the dishes and cleaned the Tree House and picked some flowers she had been growing.

Thanks Princess,

Lukie Skywalker.


XXXX

Long Hop Joins The Tree House For A Few Rounds

"Holy pharkn cricket ball" screamed Dukie as she walked out onto the back deck of the Tree House.

Lamb, Princess Leah, Honoruru and I were playing cricket in the jungle below. A good friend of Lambs, "Long Hop", was over for the night and was teaching us some new bowling techniques. Long Hop was lethal with a cricket ball and could make it do all sorts of wild and dangerous things.

The "Tree House Cricket Challenge" was on in ten days time and we were going to play against a few tribes that inhabit various other parts of the jungle and we needed some practice.

The Vaginamites were expected to turn up on their camels and we'd probably make it a day of it with some camel racing fun as well.

Princess Leah raced upstairs and grabbed all of the Glad Wrap out of the cupboards. When she went downstairs Long Hop was laughing at her "What is going on Princess?".

Lamb explained that as she had been going through a rough trot with her batting the girls had helped her back into form with the Glad Wrap and the AK-47.

Princess Leah grabbed the AK and let spray with a quick hundred rounds. Lamb collected them all in the Glad Wrap except for one that was embedded in her neck. It was clear Lamb was going down like a bag of camel shit and Long Hop grabbed her and gave her quick rescuscitation whilst I removed the bullet and threw twenty stitches into her neck.

As Lamb got up she was madder than ever. "Righteo Princess, bring it on. Make it pharkn sooorious this time" she screamed. Lamb grabbed a new roll of Glad Wrap and Princess drilled 300 rounds into her. Lamb is a fast learner and there were no wounds this time.

Long Hop was pretty worried about our training regime but I encouraged her to have a go. She jumped in with a helmet. "Pharkn pussy" screamed Honororu who by this stage was off her tits on Scotch and playing as wicketkeeper. I was thinking Honoruru should stop these antics with drinking behind the stumps and taking the piss out of the batter as if they let a few go to the 'keeper we would need an ambulance and not my Doctor's skills to fix her. She had no protection at all.

Long Hop jumped to the crease and took 400 rounds from Princess Leah. She went reasonably well although she had one open wound on her right arm and you could see the bone in her right foot where a few bullets had taken up home. I told Princess Leah it was unreasonable to be bowling 'yorkers' at new friends of the Tree House. I grabbed the sewing kit and Honoruru shoved half a bottle of scotch down Long Hop's neck. Anaesthetic is never far away at the Tree House. All was well after twenty minutes of frantic sewing.

We agreed that it was getting too dark and dangerous as we didn't have the lights on and the necessary white bullets in the AK and we should retire for the night. I cooked a big dinner of pork and various salads and we listened to "The Frames- Setlist Live in Dublin". The wounded retired early and the rest of us stayed up for a few drinks.

See you at the Tree House Cricket Challenge on 16th March.

Lukie

XXXXX

How to Pants a Gay Man

Honoruru and I woke before sunrise as planned. We looked over and the others were in their hammocks. They looked like they wouldn't wake for a while and we were happy with that.

Honoruru and I were busy getting ready and we sat in the kitchen having a quick coffee talking about what we thought we'd need to do. After we had our thoughts together we went downstairs and jumped into Honoruru's car. We certainly wouldnt get their fast as it was lucky to have enough power to keep the lights on full beam but we puttered along and continued our chat.

After half an hour of going nowhere we heard a massive rumble in the jungle. We thought that was just the city waking up and kept going.

Honoruru parked at the back of the lighthouse and we walked through 1km of jungle and up the steps. We had built the Lighthouse a few years ago for all the villagers to have a point of reference towards town if a natural disaster ever occurred so we knew the design well. We took some back stairs and an underground entrance that only we had a key too and ended up at the top.

When we looked down, Finn and Fanny Freckle were below us in their pink skirts. They would have no idea how we got there but a standard part of 4064 training is a course called "Construction of Lighthouses to Maximise Chance of Ambush of Gay Boys- 101." We had clearly passed the last course.

"Your make-up is pharkn astounding Finn" screamed Honoruru. They looked up surprised and knew straight away we had their measure.

"You girls came without Dukie and Princess and that is a start" called back Finn.

We could have taken them then but we walked down and had kisses and hugs and sat down with some of Bella's lattes they had with them.

"So Finn and Fanny, we respect and appreciate the fact you would like to talk this through and Lukie and I are here to make amends. We do apologise for the way we behaved as a team the other night at the Parallel Universe" said Honoruru.

I loved the way that Honoruru was taking this over.

Finn was upset at the way that the Freckles were the most respected,toughest outlawed gay tribe in the Republic of Queensland and we had overcome with such ease and in public. I didn't like the way they had thought to corner one of us and I made clear they shouldn't have expected any less.

Fanny said many of the boys were still at home with ringing in their ears after the grenade attack. I didn't really care about that as anyone who has a Tree Houser in a headlock needs to be punished and will be.

It was starting to get into a tit for tat thing and Honoruru pulled it up with "well we are here to negotiate and it sounds like we have both done each others tribe wrong. How can we get away from here as sisters, Finny and Fanny and Lukie".

I was happy to leave it as it was. Let's walk away and forget it. Finn wanted more.

"We have to win the Australian Ballroom Dancing Championships this year wuwu" he started. Everyone in town called Honoruru "wuwu" for short. "And the thing we want more than ever is to be able to practice on the well oiled, hardwood dancefloor you have at the Tree House" he said.

Honoruru and I had spoken about this and winked at each other. We had their measure.

"That will be fine Finny as long as you sign a deed of release saying we owe you no more than that. You can come in by rickshaw blindfolded four times a week. You can use our showers and we'll give you the grog from the Labia for fun. We will also let you use our sewing machines for outfits" she continued. Finn was happy.

Honoruru was talking as I watched the sunrise and then heard a massive thump. Something was going on downstairs and I knew it was the Tree Housers on the loose. Just as we had organised an amicable arrangement they were going to phark it up.

Lamb was first to arrive with an AK-47. "Move away Lukie and Honoruru" she said.

"Right you Freckles you can not hold us to ransom" she said. "The girls are downstairs in the Pantser and this will be ugly".

Just then an explosion went off and we all fell to the floor. We looked out the lighthouse and Dukie had let a missile go from the Pantser. There were pink skirts, blonde wigs,silver boob tubes everywhere and naked hairy butts on fire. The Freckles had their tribe hiding and our girls had found them and blown their "uniforms" off.

Lamb stayed still and firm and she said "Let our women go and I will save your lives".

Honoruru jumped up and said "let them be, Lamb, as we have negotiated something here". Lamb held them steady whilst Honoruru and I finalised the deed of release.

Finn signed it on behalf of the Freckle sisters. Then we left the Finn and Fanny at the top and we ran down the bottom with the contract. Honoruru was happy and so was I.

As we got to the bottom Dukie had the Pantser pointed at the lighthouse with a heap of naked men lined up.

"Let 'em go Dukie" I shouted. Finn and Fanny had followed us down to the bottom. I turned to Finn. I said "we have an agreement Finn and if you try anything we will not be so nice next time".

"Now take your skirts off Finn and Fanny" I said. If you don't, Lamb will blow them off for you. At that time Lamb lifted the AK and let a few rounds off. The girls gave me their skirts. At that time I knew exactly what we'd do to try and get our pair of uncontrollables under control.

"Now, Princess Leah and Dukie get out of the Pantser please" I continued. They came out and stood in front of us. Now I asked them to put the gorgeous little pink skirts on, the wigs, the lovely sequin boob tubes and their high heels. I put Cher's "If I could turn back time" on in the Pantser to make sure everyone could hear us from miles around. I drove the Pantser home with that pair on the top and all of the villagers came out to have a look. This will be the talk of the jungle for months to come and should keep Dukie and Princess Leah thinking about whether it's worth being naughty for a while.

Yes we are a great and mighty tribe of jungle warriors.

Goodnight Girls,

Lukie

XXXXX