4064 Squadron

Ok Princess

2008-04-04T17:49:00.001+10:00

"Holy Pharkn Sunsets Lukie Loveradish where is my Bernard" screamed Princess Leah.

Well hello there Princess here he is. Just for you.

Lukie Loveradish loves Emmylou

2008-04-04T15:40:00.000+10:00

And then it turned into PHARKN UNREAL!!

2008-04-02T17:56:00.003+10:00

"Pharkn Hell" I was screaming by mid-afternoon as a client sent through a crazy "spec" that just looked like a dog's breakfast that had been shat on by one of those crazy cats.

I went out and put on "She Don't Use Jelly" by the "Flaming Lips" and had my own private little sing-along.

I went back and re-read the e-mail and reflected on the amazing work that had been done here at Tree House Technologies in the last few weeks. I wasn't sure but I think we have this project milestone covered off already due to Adam Ant's brilliance.

I sent an email back saying we had it sorted and we were ready.

I passed the email on to Adam Ant and he came back with "They should be using SOAP/XML webservices to deliver them a serialized object but if they want a dirty XML file we have it covered. It won't work in a relational database but that is their problem".

I was chuffed- we are clever and smart. Not to mention good looking.Next invoice ready boys. Thanks very much. Thanks to the Flaming Lips as well.

LSW

XXX

Honestly the day got worse!

2008-04-02T17:55:00.001+10:00

Honestly, this is a normal day at the Tree House

2008-04-02T10:54:00.003+10:00

It is just that it happens with us humans and not cats.

Who else is having a pharkn shit day? It is only 11AM and I am ready to hit the fridge for a bevvie. I am determined to ride 50km this afternoon so I will refrain. On Monday the bike made it to the front door before I decided the car was a better option.

The view from the front room of the Tree House is nice today though. Temperature is perfect, Wilco's"Summerteeth" is playing on Dukie's box, I mean the dukebox. The birds are all happy.

I have done the washing and I will now go and hang it out. Can't wait for the girls to get home so we can play up.

LSW

XXXXXXXX

Oh Please Dukie!!

2008-03-31T18:50:00.008+10:00

Everyone who is anyone in Brisvegas knows our Dukie and her "Beast". I am really over the fact that I am known for my ridiculous ideas and technical incompetence. I have requested that the Dukie teaches me to ride and lets me have the "Beast" for weekend jaunts. I am prepared to do her share of the housework and cooking to make up for it.

"Ok this is the story Lukie Sykwalker" she started as Princess Leah and I sat on the back deck of the Tree House. "In order for me to teach you how to ride and to LEND you the Beast I will require two things. Firstly, I need you to take over maintenance of the Pantser "feet"as I am doing my back in bending over to do it every time we go out. Secondly, I started riding on a Postie Bike and you will have to learn on one before I let you get on the Beast."

I jumped up and gave Dukie a kiss. Phark I love her. Was she soorious? How easy was this going to be?

Princess Leah looked over at me and said "now just remember the time you tried to put water in the air conditioner of the VW to top it up, the time you put the DVD in upside down and wondered why it wouldn't play and the last time you had to get one of us to open a beer as you didn't know which end of the opener to use, Lukie" she said.

"Oh for Pharks sake Princess that is bullshit as I've got a PhD you know" I replied. Jesus Christ when would they get it that my PhD was from the University of Sydney- the best. Reviewed by 3 of the toughest experts in the US,Canada and Australia in our field and I had three panel reviews for my industry work. I am not pharkn stupid girls.

The first thing I did was grab Lamb's bike pump and started running out the door. Obviously by "feet" she meant the Pantser tyres needed pumping up. I met Honoruru, Lamb and Long Hop at the door. "What's doin' Lukie?" they asked. "Off for a ride".

"No way chicks I am off to pump up the Pantser tyres". I could hear laughter from above but assumed it was another one of Princess and Dukie's practical jokes going off on our "certified engineers".

For the life of me I couldn't find the valves on the Pantser tyres. I walked upstairs after half an hour and pulled Lamb aside. My PhD is in chemistry and she could fix this for me. "No Lukie, this is your chance to prove yourself" she said.

I returned and after another half an hour I went upstairs and grabbed a beer. Dukie and Princess walked out from the "Casting Couch" where they'd been practising lines with Honoruru. "What's up Lukie?" they said together. I told them I was pissed off as I had a problem on my hands.

They walked downstairs and pointed out that the Pantser ran on tracks and that if I was half as smart as I thought I was I would have stolen a few litres of "lube" from them and applied it to the track rollers as my maintenance activity. Talk about pharkn cryptic. The Pantser doesn't have tyres.

"So Lukie you have failed the first test" Dukie said. It meant I couldn't start on the Beast at all as I had two challenges I had to pass. I failed at the first test.

"If you are thinking you can't win a ride on the Beast now you are wrong, Lukie" started Dukie. I was in awe of this woman who would give me a second chance. Such compassion.

"If you want to ride the Beast you will now have to learn to ride a Postie and you will have to beat Princess Leah on hers in a race" she said. Princess Leah was laughing but I ignored it. If there is one thing I have it is mental strength. I agreed straight away. "You're pharkn on" I said.

"Tomorrow at dawn you pair will be riding on the Postie's and the I will be on the Beast. This will be three laps through the jungle and the Ten Ways and winner gets lessons on the Beast" Dukie said.

How easy would this be? I walked upstairs after inspecting the "Posties". They were perfectly beautiful little Honda C110's step-through Postie Bikes. I shook Princess Leah's hand and told her "the best girl wins". I went to bed in my hammock but I could Princess and Dukie whispering and then Princess got up and headed downstairs. Banging and clanging all night and then it was about 4.30AM. Dukie woke up the camp with her usual rendition of "You shook me all night long" by AC/DC. Dukie you pharkn sooooriously rock honey.

After this mornings rendition I could barely phocus. I swear. Lamb was in her Cher outfit ready to fire the starters AK-47 to get us going. I rolled out my Postie and Dukie had her Beast. I was revving the phark out of my 7.5kw machine. Dukie was pissing herself laughing at me sitting beside her.

With a big throaty revving noise up came Princess out of the shed on hers. She had been doing modifications all night in an effort to beat me obviously. My heart sank as I was up shit creek without a paddle in a barbed wire canoe.

Lamb, Long Hop and Honoruru were laughing so hard they could barely stand up. Adam Ant came over to watch as he heard what we were up too and had been laughing at my plans for my "Dykes on Bikes" display for a long time. I had always wanted a "Postie" to take on Dukie. Chyna Rhino was skating around us singing "Lukie Skywalker is PHARKED. P-H-A-R-K-E-D" as she had another beer to wash down a breakfast kebab.

Lamb fired and we were off. I had no hope. We had a bag full of mail that we had to deliver as well as part of the challenge. We completed the first lap and Princess was so far in front I felt like giving up. As I passed the Tree House the first time Chyna was still skating around in circles singing "Lukie Skywalker is PHARKED. P-H-A-R-K-E-D".

I passed the Tree House and then had a brilliant idea. I turned around and rode up to Adam Ant. I gave him all of my remaining mail and said "we own a technology company, get these on email to all the natives ASAP please dude". Adam Ant looked at me and laughed "That's why you're the boss, Lukie, and here's a little something else". Adam Ant opened up my fuel tank and filled it with Jet-A1. I took off and nearly lost my head due to the G-forces. Pharkn flying.

I raced past Leah at the Colonel Slanders mail box as she still had a mail bag left to deliver. She had no idea. "Ha. Pharkn Ha!!" I was saying to myself.

I went past the Tree House next and stopped for an update. Dukie was only a minute ahead of me. Adam gave me some more Jet. I had Princess on the ropes but now I was gunning for Dukie.

At the Ten Ways I could see Dukie in the distance. She must have heard me coming and tried to take off. I was gaining but I didn't think I'd get there. Finally we were on the home straight to the Tree House and it was now or never. Dukie and I were within inches of each other for the last 2kms. I could see her edging sideways and I was determined. Finally I did my best Jackie Chan sidekick to distract her whilst I lunged forward at full throttle.

"Lukie Skywalker wins. I always thought Lukie would win. W-I-N" Chyna was singing. I looked across at Lamb and she confirmed it. "Lukie wins".

I was holding my 89 kg Postie (yep Adam Ant and I know the "specs") in the air as Princess Leah crossed the line in tears. Dukie's dust covered face had turned to mud due to her tears.

I walked up to shake hands but they both looked at me and said "You've got a PhD in chemistry we know Lukie".

The nerds win.

Goodnight girls.

Luke "I get to ride the Beast doo dah, doo dah" Skywalker

XXXX

Oh Phark You're Hot!

2008-03-30T19:19:00.005+10:00

Last Night. It was you and me. I wanted to lift you up and make you my Baby.

But you said "You've had 17 "Lukie Skywalker Wrecking Balls", Lukie Skywalker".

I knew you were right but when you left I knew I'd missed my chance. I'd been saving that pick up line for your for weeks. And then you just wandered out of my life.........

I'm broken and alone but Princess Leah just said "Pharkn get over it Lukie".

I'm better now. Thanks Princess.

I love youse all.

LSW

XXX

I've Pharkn Had Enough!!

2008-03-29T17:03:00.011+10:00

"Finally, enough is pharkn enough" I screamed as I'd had one more call from Bella. I put down the Telegraph Cucumber and screamed at everyone that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I had been pushed too far. I had never been so angry or so determined. With the possible sale of Tree House Technologies the banks and others had decided that they would spoil our fun at five minutes to midnight.

This didn't really worry me as we had it under control with sooorious cash flow allowing us to pay back a 10 year loan over 6 months, but the harrassment was obscene. How much could a koala bear? Hang on I've used that in a post before so it will get better and more original.

I spoke to Adam Ant and we had it all under control with the money.

I decided I wasn't happy and I was going to make a statement. I didn't know how. I was good at writing scientific papers, media releases and marketing spiels but aggression and violence are two things I worked on endlessly until they become non-existent in my list of character flaws. Mind you the list of character flaws is still very very long.

I spoke to Princess Leah and Dukie and told them what I was so upset and angry about. After they had consoled me I went away and calmed down by myself. I got to thinking that we had it all under control and it really wasn't a worry. The end result of my thoughts was that this pain needs to be ended. Not in 2 or 3 months, but now. I will never have a business as successful as Tree House Technologies and its people vulnerable to a bank who don't realise providing bad loans to international companies for a short term profit is not good. For pharks sake, one of our banks had a $200M loan to a morally bankrupt and now illegal short seller of stocks. They also support deforestation and biodiversity extinction on a massive scale. What was I thinking?

I walked back into the Tree House to tell everyone I was on a mission to get stuck into work. The problem was no-one was home. The Tree House was eeerily quiet. I didn't like it.

Then I heard some massive noise coming out of the jungle and I knew they were up to something. I looked out and here was Dukie driving a massive crane up the road. Princess Leah, Honoruru, Lamb and Long Hop were on the front. They must have had a stereo in it as Powderfinger "Like A Dog" was playing.

Like A Dog lyrics

In all that he takes in all that he shows
The higher the stakes the lower the blows
And all the mistakes that he's never known
Whatever it takes he'll be stealing the show

Now he nervously shakes as we rattle his stage
But he's happy to be stuck back in his halcyon days
Now we're trying hard to reconcile a history of shame
But he reinforced the barriers that keep it the same

If you treat me like a dog
And keep me locked in a cage
I'm not relaxed or comfortable
I'm aggravation and shame
But it's a fine fine time for the people in the lucky land

If you treat me like a dog
And keep me locked in a cage
I'm not relaxed or comfortable
I'm aggravation and rage

Long Hop jumped off the front off the crane first and held her cricket bat in the air. "If they are gonna treat you like a dog Lukie, we are gonna show them some metal". I almost laughed but knew this was soorious. Dukie knew where she could get a massive crane and wrecking ball and the girls were intent on taking some uninsurable action. This was not going to approved by the EPA or the Department of Transport and any O,H and S laws were going to be soooriously breached tonight.

I quickly ran down the back and grabbed a heap of beers, gin, scotch and Chambord. I ran upstairs thinking if I could get them all pissed they would fall asleep and this idea would fade.

After a few thousand drinks Princess Leah looked at Dukie and they smiled knowingly. Long Hop and Lamb jumped up and ran to the shower. " We go first" they screamed as the others started to get their warpaint sorted. Oh holy phark what is going on. "Tonight is Scarlet and we are off" yelled Honoruru into her scotch.

Everyone got ready and we took off. For some reason that was immediately beyond me they wanted to drive the crane. Long Hop took over the stereo and she put on Billy Bragg's "Sexuality" followed "The Power of a Union" and then "Thatcherites". Long Hop and I share a love of Billy and I thought she was trying to make me feel good by playing my music. It didn't occur to me until later she was making a statement about the banks and capitalism and what was to come. Dukie parked the crane on the footpath on the corner of Leichhardt St in front of Scarlet.

Scarlet went off and we all got plastered. After a few hours of "Peaches", "Ani Difranco" and a few homespun DJ tunes Scarlet was closing. We had all had another 32,000 drinks. We walked out to the front of Leichhardt St to get into the crane. I was surprised as the crane was still there despite Scarlet being beside the Australian Federal Police. Had they not been curious as to what a crane and wrecking ball were doing parked on the footpath in downtown Brisbane?

We jumped in after getting a "Kebab with Salmonella Sauce" and started heading home. I was fully pissed and enjoying Dukie's driving when she started heading down Little Edward St. I screamed that this was not right but looked at all the girls laughing. Long Hop was standing on the front of the crane with her bat in the air screaming out a vicous roar. Lamb was half way up the crane with her AK letting rip and creating her own fireworks. I looked behind us and every lesbian in Brisbane was running behind us with the famous "Tree House Lesbian Molotov Cocktail" (Vodka Cruiser with a lit cigarette in the neck of the bottle) in her hand.

Oh Phark. Princess Leah had put Neil Young's "Rockin in the Free World" on the stereo. We were headed for the bank at quick speed and there was nothing I could do.

In an instant we had knocked the banks lovely neon sign over and taken out the top 3 floors. I looked down to see Chyna Rhino with a 2-way radio guiding Dukie. She knew where our records where due to her IT hacking skills. The moment the building crumbled the girls let go with the molotov cocktails to burn the records that were scattered and we were out of there. Princess and Long Hop leaned over and grabbed Chyna and pulled her up onto the crane. Chyna complained that she wanted a kebab but we threw her another beer and she was happy. Back up Little Edward and into the jungle. As we went past the "Ten Ways" we could hear the sirens from the police. I could see the ice cream van, the postie, the limousine, Priscilla Bus, the vintage car, the rollercoaaster and the VW all leap into action and start causing confusion around the "Ten Ways". Music from Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, R.E.M, James Brown,Billy Bragg, Wilco, Powderfinger, Kylie Minogue and Martha Wainwright was pumping out from the various cars just to add to the confusion.The local villagers were driving the vehicles. Dukie had lowered the crane and we hid it in the bush where the locals had built a cave for us.

We got out and hid for 20 minutes in the bush whilst we heard the sirens chasing after the Tree House vehicles. They had no idea where we were but thought we must be in one of the vehicles on the loose. After we hear the sirens off in the distance Princess Leah emerged in the Pantser. "Get in you pharkn lot" she screamed.

We made it home and could hear "Greensleaves" all night with the locals being chased until they ran out of fuel and gave up.

Just as we were getting ready for our hammocks the Telegraph Cucumber rang.

"You lot are in soorious pharkn trouble" screamed Bella.

I told her I didn't care and we'd wait until the morning.

Goodnight girls. I love youse all and thanks for your support. Sorta kinda maybe.

Lukie

XXXX

For Sale!

2008-03-25T22:41:00.004+10:00

Finally the Tree House Technologies were made an offer too good to refuse.

We won't stop doing what we do but we will stop being so poor.

Well done Tree Housers.

Lukie S W.

XXXX

Brisvegas Centre for Recreational Excellence

2008-03-21T16:37:00.010+10:00

The Tree House was alive and kicking this morning. Everyone woke up and got straight into more construction activity. We all decided we'd take a few days off from sooorious work and get into some renovating at home.

Dukie and Princess Leah had some mates who were builders and they said they'd lend us the tools and some building stuff. So they took off in the Priscilla Bus and the new limousine that the miners had "given" us and filled them up with nails, hammers, drills, saws, wood, bricks, cement and stuff. Dukie also had some mates in the shopfitting game and they offered to give us anything that we needed and Dukie managed to get all sorts of shiny stuff from them. Most of the stuff we had was stainless offcuts. Princess Leah dropped around to the Parallel Universe and they offered her everything that they were about to throw out from our recent renovations and others they had done.

Rocky bought over her CAD software and we downloaded it onto our servers. After this we had to decide what we were going to build.

It was not an easy task. I wanted to build a new shed for the Pantser so we didnt have to have it near the Tree House anymore. This would make it cheaper to insure as well.

Honoruru wanted a new office do to the business planning and accounts in as she was finding it difficult keeping all her paperwork together on the back deck.

Lamb wanted a new hut for the start of a rifle range. She wanted to be able to store a few million rounds of AK-47 ammunition.

Long Hop wanted a place to have a few drinks after cricket practice and thought we should build a grandstand for spectators.

Princess Leah and Dukie wanted a new bar in a BBQ hut up on "Sunset Hill". This was where we went with the native tribes when we went fishing and had corroborees.

Rocky said it would be nice if we had a classroom for the natives to learn in.

After a while we had heaps of good ideas and we really couldn't choose between them.

Honoruru suggested that make the most of what we had and see if we could build a multi-purpose venue. That was a good idea. So now we had to select which ideas we could put together.

After a couple of hours of hard thinking we decided exactly what we would do. It would be called "The Brisvegas Villagers Health and Recreation Centre". Underneath it would be a series of offices and a training room that we could use for education and board meetings. We would put it up on Sunset Hill nad this actually overlooked the cricket pitch so this was a great compromise.This all seemed fine and it would work until Princess Leah pointed out something very important.

With the increasing threats against us and our need for privacy as well we should build some of it underground. This was a great idea but how would we dig underground?

Dukie and Princess Leah looked at each other and screamed "The Pantser Conversion Kit". They ran off downstairs and started rebuilding the front end of the Pantser as an earth mover. I looked at Long Hop and she knew straight away what I was thinking as well. As an engineer (or "Ginger Beer") herself specialising in hydrology she would know if we had stable soil to dig and then build into.

We raced in and grabbed some of the topo and soil maps from the Tree House Technologies servers and started with some soorious investigations.

Honoruru was sorting through the materials we had and feeding information to Rocky who would have to design the structure. Lamb was giving Rocky a hand with that job.

After Long Hop suggested we had suitable geology and we wouldn't have seepage issues we started moving everything up to Sunset Hill. Dukie and Princess Leah had the Pantser ready and they took off with the Midnight Oil song "One Country" blaring and we all jumped on top. Long Hop was still relatively new and she loved the Pantser. I could tell from the smile on her face as she lifted her ever-present cricket bat above her head and screamed "Let it rip Tree Housers" as we took off up the road.

Long Hop, Princess Leah and I started unloading everything and Dukie started digging a mother of a hole where Long Hop suggested in Sunset Hill. Chyna Rhino turned up on her roller skates and she was absolutely off her chops and obviously needed another beer. We didn't have any but suggested she skate down to the Tree House and get us some beer and give the others a hand. Chyna is an architect and interior designer and she would be of massive assistance.

Then we heard "Greensleaves" coming up the road and Rocky turned up with the CAD plans. "Where is Chyna?" I asked. She opened up the back and Chyna flew out on her rollerskates. She was really plastered. "I got the beer Lukie" she screamed as she fell over. Chyna wore knee pads and helmet and elbow pads all the time and I know why. I can see why Adam Ant finds her so attractive.

Lamb turned up driving Priscilla with a heap of stuff and Honoruru was in the limousine with the rest of the construction materials.

Anyway we pulled out the plans and the girls said Chyna had made the finishing touches. They were amazed at her skills and so was I after knowing how much she'd had to drink. The other thing Chyna comes over for is a feed and she had grabbed enough food for a 4064 Squadron and she was going to cook for us all. I suggested she call Adam Ant and get him to come over and do it for her as this not a strong feature amongst her skill set.

After Dukie had created a big hole we got out the steel pylons. Dukie used the pylon driver on the Pantser to knock them in exactly where Long Hop and Rocky said.

After that we laid a few tonnes of cement. We mixed it in the ice cream maker in the van and it took a few hours. After that we put up the sides using some pre-fab concrete we had. Then the roof was built of pre-fab as well. This was a huge job.

Finally we started building the above ground walls. Honoruru, Long Hop, Lamb and I did this whilst Princess Leah and Dukie worked below with shop fittings and Parallel Universe recycled materials. Chyna was passed out on the ground.

The above ground walls were made of recycled timber and we attached a roof made of galvanised iron. We left a metre of open space between the roof and the walls for air flow. We installed some ceiling fans. Rocky worked in the electricity industry previously and she did all the wiring. We would need to get a generator as we couldnt possibly get 3-phase out here.

After a few hours Adam Ant turned up in his Chrysler Valiant. I told him Chyna was ratshit and she was on the lawn somewhere with her skates on. There was a tonne of food that needed to be cooked and he did his usual thing and got stuck into it.

After another hour Adam Ant called out and he had the food ready. Chyna woke up just in time for a feed. How unsual. We all stopped work and had a few beers with some of Ant's thai BBQ and salads that he had prepared. Amazing what that man can do. Then Princess Leah and Dukie said they were ready to show us downstairs. They had been hard at it.

We walked downstairs and it was like a scene from a movie. The girls had a floor made of some shiny surface and a huge bar made of stainless steel in the corner. A huge disco ball hung from the roof and a lighting system was pouring out every colour of the rainbow.

The bar was full of 4064 Squadron beer and ever spirit we had manufactured. It was truly special. "This will be really great for board meetings" said Princess.Apparently they had also used some persuasive techniques on the mining crowd and Mick Dundee had used his knife to secure us all of the materials at no cost. Cool Micky.

I couldn't see the use for board meetings but I didn't care. Princess got on the phone to the Freckles and told them to get ready for dancing lessons. Chyna didn't care either as she was first to christen the floor and said from now on she would be using it for roller derby training.

So then we went upstairs and started finishing the offices and school section. After a few hours it was done and we were exhausted and filthy. Princess Leah jumped in the Pantser and flicked on a new CD. It was time to relax and we put Hunters and Collectors on. As the sun was setting we heard the Pearl Jam/Mark Seymour version of "Throw Your Arms Around Me".

A classic sunset with some classic music and 4064 Squadron beer after a big day.

Love you all-sooriously,

LSW

XXXXX

Renovating Brisbane

2008-03-20T18:44:00.004+10:00

"Holy Pharkn Ronald McDonald" screamed Lamb as we drove into town down Milton Road. We were all in the Pantser driving to town to see Bella. The Brisbane City Council had given up on trying to contain our use of the vehicle and they acknowledged that we were a law unto ourself by now. We needed to take the Pantser out for training runs every now and then and I had the "L" plates on and was steering through midday traffic. It was so much fun and everyone stopped and cheered as we drove past.

The local McDonalds chain had a sign up promoting a burger that they had named after us. Honoruru had negotiated the royalty structure and Princess Leah and Dukie designed the burger. As we passed their was a line up of sisters out the front waiting for their Tree House Burger. They all lifted their shirts as we drove past and Lamb let a few rounds fly from the AK.

We kept going into town and parked on the footpath. I took out a few beams that held up the awning and the front of Bella's Cafe fell over. "You pharkn lunatic Lukie" screamed Long Hop. Long Hop was accompanying us on more of our missions these days as were determined to take over the world of cricket and she provided advice at every opportunity. "Lukie, your Panster driving is as bad as your six stitcher driving" she laughed as she fell out the top of the Panster into the rubble.

I apologised to Bella and told her Dukie and Princess Leah would be back to fix it later. Bella pulled out the hammers and nails and some wood she had in the back of the shop and put them to work immediately. "Lukie you are pharkn hopeless and I've stored a whole heap of wood and fix-it stuff here as this is the third time you've crashed into this in the last few weeks" she said.

I couldn't argue and after a few hours and a few coffees we had it fixed. We took off from Bella's place and were heading back to the Tree House. "Let's go into the Parallel Universe" screamed Lamb. I couldn't help but think a few ales were needed. It was still hot and humid in the jungle and cold beer was always a good idea.

We stopped in and Mick Dundee was still there."That is not a knife Dukie" he screamed in laughter as he fell of his bar stool. Obviously he had been there all night. 'Where is my bus Mick Dundee?" laughed Dukie as she gave him a big kiss.

Harry was working behind the bar and he looked at us and smiled. "You girls won't be getting that back in a hurry" he said as he laughed. We all walked out to the "Inferno Bar" and there was Priscilla lodged between open doors. Apparently some of the Freckles dared Mick to drive in and he took them up on the dare. The bus was lodged and it wouldn't come out.

"No pharkn worries" said Dukie and Princess in unison as they raced out to the Pantser and reversed to the Priscilla. Honoruru tied a rope between the two vehicles and tied some of her famous "Casting Couch knots" on the rope then she jumped into the drivers seat of the Priscilla to help guide it out.

Lamb had her megaphone with her and she screamed out "give it a pharkn big one Dukie" and they gradually eased the bus out. The awning of the Parallel Universe fell over and I laughed myself stupid. We grabbed some hammers and nails and wood and did some more construction work.

Mick Dundee bought us all a round of tequila slammers with 4064 Squadron beer chasers and we finished off the renovations.

We drove home in the Pantser with Honoruru following in Priscilla. We went back past McDonalds and the line for the Teee House burger was longer and again everyone lifted their shirts for us. We dropped Mick Dundee off at Lazarus' village and he fell out the bus door. As we left I could hear "That's not a tank Dukie" as he laughed wildly in the dust to himself.

We arrived at the Tree House and I cooked a big dish of chicken, bacon, mushroom and cream fettucini and we sat down to a few dozen bottles of Nepenthe Sauvignon Blanc. We fell into our hammocks and slept like tradesman after a big day renovating Brisbane.

Anyone for driving lessons?

Goodnight girls. Love you all long time soldier girls.

Lukie S W

XXXXX

Another Pharkn Battle we WIN

2008-03-20T00:12:00.005+10:00

"Holy Pharkn big hole in the ground " screamed Lamb as we turned up at the Ten Ways. There was a massive crater where Mav and Goose had dropped a torpedo and left a heap of mining executives wandering around in a daze. Their limousines had the windows blown out and they were all wandering out over the road with their ties around their heads all bloodied and broken.

We crept past. Well as much as you can creep past in a Leopard Panzer tank.

"No sympathy, Long Hop" screamed Dukie as Long Hop looked in disbelief and obviously wanted to get out and help.

We kept going past them as we knew we had to get home and see if their were more at the Tree House.

We arrived at the Tree House to see Lazarus sitting down with a bunch of fat bastards with cheque books. I knew I would have to negotiate.

Before I had the chance Lamb was screaming "get out girls" as she let spray with 300 or so rounds from the AK-47. The gunfire took a heap of the liquid lunchers out but she was so accurate as to miss Lazarus. He stood up with a smile. "Ive been playing them like a lawyer from the city, girls" he said.

Long Hop jumped out with her cricket bat and held it high. Some of the bastards recognised her and held their hands up straight away. "Aren't you famous with the ball missy" one of them said laughing. Immediately Long Hop belted him over the arse for being so patronising. He sat right down- well sat on his side as I imagined his arse would be mighty sore.

Honoruru jumped over the edge of the Pantser and raced into the Tree House and grabbed all of her rope from the Casting Couch. "Have no fear girls, I can tie a knot that will hold anyone up". I didn't want to know what that was all about.

Princess Leah raced inside and grabbed all of her feather boa's and dress-up gear to get them all photgraphed in precarious positions. I informed them all that we weren't the US Army and this wasn't Iraq and we wouldn't be making anyone do anything like that.

The girls rounded the rest of them up anyway and tied them up. I could see Dukie just wanted their Limousine to add to the stable of Tree House Transporters. I thought that was a justifiable activity.

We had 20 big fat men that we had to now deal with. What to do with them?

Honoruru could see instantly an outcome and it was way beyond what I could do in my anger. These guys had used their cheque books to find us and I wasn't happy. I could have let Long Hop take to them with the cricket bat and Princess Leah wanted to line them and let Lamb use them for target practice.

"So this is the story boys" Honoruru started. "We will let you go if make some serious promises that involve money, medicine and education. You let us stay here and manage the project, you get the phark outta here and we let you live. You will never report the location of the Tree House. There are many of your fellow Chief Operating and Financial Officers that we just killed down at the Ten Ways and aren't able to join negotiations with you." At this point I was bewildered but really knew what she was doing. Half of the fat bastards pissed their pants and then they all agreed in fear. We hadn't killed anyone but it was a nice threat.

Mav and Goose went over at that point and let another bomb fall in the jungle and they really knew we were serious.

They were all in negotiating mode.

Dukie and Princess Leah jumped in and said "and we want that limo converted to biodiesel Honururu" simulataneously. The fat bastards all nodded in unison. How easy was this going to be?

Just at that time Blondie turned up and whispered to me that everyone back at the Ten Ways had been sent to Royal Brisbane Womens Hospital for treatment.

I pulled Lazarus aside and he told me he knew they were coming and was holding them off. Apparently they had offered a few "mill" for sole rights to the land and gold and for the local villagers to evict us. They had some consultant generated word document on villager profile and what they could do to help. I flicked through it and it was the same old shit. No accountability- just pay the locals off and destroy the place.

I walked back in and said "by the way lads we need a new dance floor, a bigger still and a new cricket pitch."They all agreed wholeheartedly.

Honoruru was quick to grab her contract book and quickly whipped one out and Lamb reviewed it. She had Lazarus sign it and this meant it would be enforceable under Native Title legislation as well as everything else like Queensland and Commonwealth juristictions. I added a heap of clauses on carbon management and also included the RAMSAR wetland we had beside us and we'd have something under internationally recognised legislation as well. Princess Leah added the Heritage nature of the village buildings and that meant we had something the chardonnay soakers in town would care about as well.

Finally Dukie added a clause that "Force Majeure" meant that if she accidentally ran the Pantser through any of their offices in town we were not liable. It would be an accident of godly proportions. Dukie could always see herself as a god type figure and that was fine by us.

So we had a timeline of 5 years to develop this mine in a sustainable manner. 50% of production income was to go to the villagers. We didn't care about the Tree Housers as it wasn't our land. Lazarus was pissing himself laughing as the brothers turned up with Mick Dundee. Mick had just come down from Walkabout Creek and he was in fine form.

Dukie and Princess Leah gave him a big hug. They had met him whilst they were up North getting the lesbian zoo animals in the flood. Dukie started to cut the boys loose with her pocket knife. "That isn't a knife Dukie, this is a knife" he said as he pulled out his blade.

We all laughed. This guy should be in movies. He cut the rope of one of the executive fat bastards and they pissed themselves with fear again.

Mick told them he'd hunt them down from Brisvegas to New York if they dared to break the agreement. That kind of threat was worth more than any legislation.

There is no way this mine would be economical to develop with those caveats and they'd leave us alone for sure. Dukie threw the keys to the Priscila Bus to Mick and they all boarded and left with Mick driving. We wouldn't be hearing from them soon. As Mick left he said he'd drop them all off at the Parallel Universe. We laughed and quickly put in a call to the Freckles. They were dressed and ready for those boys.

The Tree Housers went out the back and onto the deck and we got stuck into the Gin, Scotch, 4064 Squadron beer and Princess and Lamb cooked us a feast.

Honoruru was awarded "Player of the Century" for her skills in tying knots around wrists and we all laughed ourselves stupid.

It goes to show that violence mixed with some soorious intellect will get you a long way.

I am very proud of the girls that make up the Tree Housers. And I am not being patronising Long Hop. Keep that cricket bat off my arse.

Lukie Skywalker.

XXXXX

Tree House Cricket Challenge

2008-03-14T22:17:00.002+10:00

"Holy Pharkn Cricket, Long Hop " screamed Lamb.

We had to move the Challenge to one of the bigger ovals on the edge of the jungle as we had heard that there were a few people turning up for the days fun. We didn't have any idea how many were there until we walked onto the oval as we arrived. It was packed with at least 20,000 Queenslanders all sitting in the sun and drinking 4064 Squadron beer and eating watermelon. THey all cheered as we walked out to warm up.

We had a team made up of Honoruru, Lamb, Long Hop, Rocky, Dukie, Princess Leah, Camilla and myself and a few of the brothers from the village.

Our opponents for the day were a team made up of the Vaginamites and the Fanny Pack.

The Freckles turned up to be our cheerleaders. They would run around the side of the oval and get the crowd having fun all day.

We were still worried about people having heard about the Tree House gold deposit and would try and make a takeover attempt. We had the "Smulkers" tribe of locals in trees for surveillance and they'd send smoke signals if it looked like anyone else was coming. The Smulkers were called that because they came to parties and smoked like chimneys in the corner and then sulked that no-one would talk to them. Of course we wouldn't talk to them as smoking is so 60's. Honestly. So we made up the name "Smulkers". The Smulkers are also the group of women who invented our special Tree House set of smoke signals for us. They all sat around blowing smoke rings into the air and we were the only ones who knew what it meant.

Anyway, I digress.

Back to the Challenge. Not knowing who would be coming or after us or whether we would have problems with a battle on the way home we took the Pantser. Princess Leah drove and Dukie navigated. Lamb sat on the front in her Cher outfit and we played Billy Bragg on the way.

Honoruru gave us all a groin massage and we got into it.

For the opening we had Captain Bligh giving a speech about the Tree House and then kd Lang sang " Oh Canada". As kd came back to listen to Kevin Rudd talk Princess Leah said "this is Australia and it's a pharkn cricket gamel". kd looked at Princess and said "I wondered how you gals were going to play baseball on this strip". Talk about pharkn inappropriate but Princess has worked with tradesman all her lifer.

The Vaginamites and the Fanny Pack batted first. Long Hop opened with Rocky. She got 2 for 60 off her first 8 overs. Rocky bowled with Long Hump and got the next 3 in her overs for 35. Princess Leah bowled with me she and got 2 for 80 off 8 overs. I was wicketless but it didn't matter.

That left us with the tail to bowl. They wagged and wagged and wagged. It was giving us the shits and Princess jumped in with the AK. "Righteo" you pharkers and she took them both out. That was done. The crowd were a bit shocked but the Match Umpire, Steve Bucknor had no qualms with it. He is blind as a bat and deaf as a post and we just carted 2 dead bodies off the pitch and they were all out for 200.

Next we were into bat. Lamb was keen to show the value of hewr wicket and got 69. Dukie was a great partner for Lamb and just plodded along to 25 whilst Lamb showed some flair. Honoruru jumped in and hit 3 sixes before she was lbw. I walked to the wicket and hit 5 fours and then a single to get to the other end. Then I hit six sixes off the next over. Phark I was having fun as the bolwer changed.

Honoruru hit one straight to silly mid-on and it was over.

The freckles were nearly doing their poofer valves cheering. The Vaginamites and the Fanny Pack were not happy.

Long Hop started to walk out and we knew this would be the end . Long Hop would finish it all off for us.

I was standing at the bowler's end and I looked up at the sky.

The Smulkers were sending a message.

Trouble at the Tree House and get home soon. I passed Long Hop after her first single and told her we'd be out of there.

Princess Leah and Dukie must have known what was going on and next thing the Pantser was in the middle of the pitch with "You Shook Me All Night Long" belting out.

Long Hop hadn't been a part of a battle before but grabbed her and told her to get on board. Lamb had the AK-47 screaming and we were outta there.

It would take us ten minutes to get home and we were busy putting on our battle gear. I Heard Lamb telling Long Hop her cricket pads and helmet would be fine as we'd look after her.

We approached the Tree House and we could see Mav and Goose were over the top of us. Bella had obviously called them and they'd seen the smoke signals.

It is going to go off tonight. I was half plastered and so was everyone else. The brothers were with us and we had cricket bats, grenades, bullets, gin and tonic, the Vaginamites had the camels (despite the fact Princess Leah had shot two of them) and we were off.

By the time we got to the Tree House Neil Young was singing "Rockin in the Free World" and we were ready.

Lets get going girls. Lets phark 'em royally.

Tell you tomorrow what happens as I have to go now and look after my Labia.

Lukie S Walker

XXXXXXX

Oh Nick!!

2008-03-14T20:24:00.001+10:00

Mining Royally

2008-03-14T17:13:00.005+10:00

"Holy pharkn soorious money" screamed Honoruru.

We had one of our mates, "Beaver", over to look at the gold and tell us what she thought. Beaver is a geologist by profession and hence really good at going down under. Beaver pulled out all sorts of program to help us analyse what sort of yield we could anticipate from the gold deposit under the Tree House. IT was years since I'd done any of this krigging type analysis and I was busy trying to get my head back around the nugget and sill variances on her variograms. I was trying to put it all into plain english for the Tree Housers and for Lazarus.

What I did see and understand was very impressive.

It turned out we'd have a billion dollars worth of gold within a 1km radius of the Tree House.

We grabbed a few 4064 Squadron beers and sat on the back deck. A few Golden Orb spiders had strung massive webs that shone brightly in the sunlight. It was a clear afternoon and we could see the sun setting through all the massive eucalypts over on the ridge. Down in the jungle the birds were all singing in the rainforest trees. The possums would be out late in the night.

Just as we were settling down Princess Leah and Dukie pulled up. They had been fishing with some of the local tribes in the Mighty River and they had a heap of beautiful fish for dinner. They were planning on cooking up a big curry as a heap of the native villagers were coming over.

Are you getting at what I am thinking here?

Should we waste this paradise for some foreign owned mining company for a token effort in royalty payments?

I didn't know what to do and I was sooriously against any grab for cash that would deplete the resources of the locals and destroy the landscape for some immediate and relatively small financial consideration.

I have been through it so many times with the Tree House Technologies and life in general. If it appears easy now and someone wants to give you money it is because someone else is getting it cheaply and will give you a few bucks to ruin your resource, your environment and possibly your life. In the case of the locals in the jungle it would ruin an entire culture, ecosystems and hundreds of lives. And that is irreplaceable as far as I am concerned. You can run a technology company and understand the need for progress but not at the expense of some very important values.

So we waited for all of the locals to turn up. I'd be upfront and honest with them and let them all decide. I knew we would have to provide options. We'd have to commit significant resources to developing the place so they had all of their requirements and could be "wealthy" without financial rewards.

It turned out to be easier than I thought. Lazarus had organised a few of the Elders from tribes up north to come and discuss their experiences with mining companies. What they had to say wasn't good and it made my job easier.

I gave a presentation on how we could sell "ecosystem services" to the local towns and tourists and get income. This includes maintaining clean water and native fish stocks through riparian vegetation management, carbon trading through the rainforest trees and others. Instead of selling the land and the resource under it we could sell the carbon in the rainforest trees to a mining company to offset their emissions from other operations. We could go into ecotourist operations on the edges of the jungle and build loads of tree houses. We could pay the local communities for indigenous culture like art and dancing and put the proceeds back into village development. This would include medicines and education.

Honoruru was not a big fan of this as she could see come immediate benefits in cashflow from selling out but she also respected my position. Honoruru stood up and gave an impressive presentation on finance and business plans and what we could do with the locals and ecosystem services.

We all agreed we'd keep this discovery secret and start with more business development with our business and finance knowledge and see how we went after six months.

Princess Leah cooked up the biggest and most beautiful jungle curry and rice and we all sat down to eat. I gave the locals some more of our natural pyrethrin insecticide stock and we farewelled them into the night. They all seemed very happy but I knew I would have to talk to Bella and make she sure jumped onto anything that seemed remotely like talk of a takeover of the Tree House or jungle. If this news escaped it could get out of control very quickly.

I asked Princess Leah and Dukie to make sure our ammunition stocks were full to overflowing and the Panster and all our vehicles were ready for immediate action. Lamb was tasked with finding another dozen AK-47s and ammunition. Honoruru had to get onto China Rhino and make sure we had access to all information from the government on mining negotiations. Blondie needed to make sure that we had adequate stocks of medicine and bandages and surgical equipment. I sent an email to Blondie to get any of her other nurse or doctor friends on call should we need them. Princess was also tasked with making sure we had enough frozen and tinned food should we be stuck here for a long war. Princess suggested we also might need alot of toilet paper and we all agreed.

The Tree House had the water back on but we needed to make sure that we had alot of purified water in bottles in case we needed it.

Lamb suggested that her and Long Hop could take their swags and build a few more camps in the area so we could always disperse if we needed it. We all agreed this was necessary. Lamb also thought she would bring in a heap of UHT milk from work.

Princess and Dukie agreed to work with all of the local tribes to keep them focused on our plans and the need for protecting natural resources. Honoruru would use her influence as Chair of the Casting Couch Committee (it was only formed recently) to get the Vaginamites, Brains Trust, the Fanny Pack and all the other girls happy with the Tree Housers.

The Japanese Whalers were a huge battle, but that would be nothing compared to a war we would have with mining companies and even the Republic government if they got wind of this.

We would prepare immediately. If we had too, Princess and Dukie would lead the military in our most important advance attacks. Lamb and Long Hop would back up with the engineering division and Rocky would be there as well. Bella would act as surveillance. Honoruru and I would negotiate when we knew who we were up against. Blondie and her mates would look after any casualties. Camilla would keep the Tree House clean.

I think we have it all under control.

Goodnight Girls. You are worth your weight in gold.

Lukie SW.

XXX

Dig Lazarus Dig

2008-03-13T18:36:00.005+10:00

"Holy Pharkn lots more water Dukie" screamed Lamb.

Next thing everyone was down underneath the Tree House and all hell had broken loose.

Dukie was backing the Pantser in after a training run through the jungle and she had backed into our water mains. The jungle had only just dried out and now we had water 20m high gushing from a hole beside the house.

Lamb was busy trying to engineer a fix when Dukie and Princess ran in and jumped on top of the water. "This wil fix it" they screamed in unison with big smiles on their faces.

"Get outta there you two before you do some sooorious damage to yourselves and your bajinas" I screamed.

Dukie and Princess Leah fell over laughing, covered in mud and still smiling. I am a Dr but I wont fix that kind of damage. Well maybe I'd take a look at it.

We turned the water off down the road and then stood looking at this great mud heap with water still seeping out.

I had no idea what to do but I knew the girls would fix it. I was walking upstairs when I heard Honoruru scream "that's gold in that water girls".Honorur grabbed a hand full of nuggets to prove it.

I raced back downstairs and looked and for sure and for certain there were huge gold nuggets in the water. Honoruru started laughing as this kind of discovery would mean we could reap rich rewards from the Tree House. The other side of the coin was that a filthy big mining company would be in here with government approval and destroy the joint.

We had to decide what we do. True to form we grabbed a heap of 4064 Squadron beer and sat down to discuss our options. We put some "Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds" on the stereo.

We decidely unanimously that we'd keep this a secret and discuss it with one of the local elders, Lazarus. He got the name as he was as strong as an ox.

The next morning we would let him know what was going on and as the traditional owner of the land we were temporarily inhabiting we'd let him decide. The most important thing was that if this to result in major investment from outside companies we would want to administer the project, any royalties and we'd insist on the highest degree of accountability. Luckily we have experience in these things and the last thing we'd let them do is hide behind some inept reporting scheme or a generic scheme such as ISO 14001. Five ticks on a letterhead doesn't mean much at all when you are pulling a pristine landscape apart and walking away with no responsibility to fix it properly.

Just as our discussions on that were finishing we realised we had no water. We had loads of beer and plenty of spirits from The Labia and mixers to go with it. But we had no water.

I suggested we should fill the hot tub with Gin and Tonic and Lemons. "Well we've got five lemons here already that we'll throw in" screamed Dukie and Princess Leah in unison as they fell over laughing again.

Well I think that is a fine idea. So we filled the hot tub with Gin and Tonic and the lemons jumped in.

This is going to make for some sticky hammocks tonight at the Tree House.

Goodnight Girls.

LS Walker

XXX

Blondie Joins the Tree House

2008-03-12T20:12:00.005+10:00

Welcome to Blondie as our new Tree House Party member. I know it is hard but you will need to look after all of our injuries. I will be your Doctor at anytime and can supervise. You will be Minister for Health when we win government.

You are so gorgeous.

Lukie.

Tree House for PM

2008-03-12T16:24:00.005+10:00

"Oh that's pharkn soooriously ridiculous Dukie" I heard Princess Leah say to Dukie.

I was in the kitchen and through the windows onto the back deck I could hear they were having a heated discussion.

Next thing, without warning, Dukie jumped out of her hammock and grabbed the Princess in a headlock. I ran outside and pulled Dukie off Princess Leah and pulled them apart.

"I'll pharkn show you ridiculous jungle bikini, just you wait" Dukie screamed as I struggled to hold her back. Dukie's aviator helmet and glasses were all crooked on her head and made her hair look bad. Bad Hair Day is not a good look for Dukie.

I told them to settle down as Lamb and Honoruru would be home soon after a hard day in town and none of us needed aggressive behaviour in the Tree House. Apparently Dukie had suggested that we should put Lukie Skywalker up for Prime Minister at the next federal parliamentary elections.

I couldn't believe what they were arguing about. I had already been offered a job with the United Nations and I rejected it as it was too much and I certainly couldn't take on another job anywhere as I was too busy. The banks had another go at us today and I had that under control but all of my focus was on looking after Tree House Technologies.

I went to the fridge and got us a six pack of 4046 Squadron beer and we sat on the back deck waiting for the sunset. Dukie discussed the logic of her proposal and I suggested why it wouldn't work. Princess Leah had taken up my domestic duties in the Tree House. Camilla was supposed to do this but she had become more involved in the lesbian zoo operations and we couldn't expect much more of her. I couldn't become the Prime Minister of this vast land and expect everyone else to do my jobs. Princess Leah agreed.

Dukie was doing her best to support her initial suggestion when Princess Leah came up with a compromise position. "I know Dukie, lets get a job sharing thing happening" she said. It sounded a perfect solution to me. Dukie smiled.

"Princess this life is all about compromise and when we are faced with a problem we need to talk it through and not resort to violence and anger" she said. Princess Leah looked at me with incredulous surprise. It was Dukie after all that had The Princess in a headlock. I just smiled and let it go. You will win any argument if you don't care who takes the credit is my motto in business.

So we downed a few more 4064 Squadron beers and discussed how we'd do it. We didn't want to take on the Labor Party but we wanted to keep the bastards honest. Sounds alot like why Don Chipp started the Democrats. RIP Don Chipp.

I suggested we stick with The Princess' idea of sharing the top job. Everyone wants to be on top. Well not in our world but they let it go.

We would form a group of people that would be "The Tree House Party for Organised Chaos and Social Equality". The only thing Dukie and Princess Leah wanted was that it would be legal to go shopping in a Panster. We decided then they would share the Ministry of Transport. I also thought it would be best if they shared Ministry of Infrastructure as that would let them see the damage their ridiculous Pantser shopping proposal would do and they'd be directly accountable for it.

Lamb and Honoruru arrived home and we discussed our plan with them. Honoruru and Lamb were both worried about our work load. We were increasingly being asked to open statues, buildings, beer and milk bottles and envelopes. It was taking its toll on everyone. In addition, we were supporting so many of the business ventures of the natives with planning and advice.Princess Leah had taken on management of a local floriculture business in addition to all her usual horticulture, cropping for biodiesel, insecticide and food and Dukie was a race official at all of the V8 Supercar rounds across the country. Occasionally Dukie had to jump in and drive as well. We were flat out. Literally in the case of Dukie.

Duke explained how it would work as we would all have duties but the Prime Minister's role would alternate with our ministerial duties. We pulled out the Gannt chart and decided we could do it.

So we are starting a new political party. "The Tree House Party for Organised Chaos and Social Equality" is born.

Dukie and Princess Leah will be jointly Ministers for Transport and Infrastructure.

Lamb will be Minister for Defence.

Honoruru is "Minister for All Things Mathematical" which includes Finance, Treasury and beer production.

Lamb is "Minister for Defence".

Princess Leah will look after Agriculture as well and Dukie will help her with that with "Gluten Free Agriculture". Dr Camilla Dolittle will help with that as well with the animal production side.

I didn't really know what to do as I never do much anyway. Dukie suggested I should be "Minister for Technology and Communications" and I said yes but I'd delegate that to Adam Ant anyway. That is our big problem- I don't really do anything but delegate.

So Honoruru came up with "Minister for Delegating Jobs That Are Too Hard" for me. I agreed that I'd take that on.

In order to fill all of the positions we will have to invite new people.

We need to put out applications but I expect that Long Hop will be our "Minister for Sport". Rocky will be our "Minister for Immigration". Bella will be "Minister for Surveillance and Counter-Terrorism" although she is really pathetic at all of this.

Applications will be published in the "Viberator" and "Jungle Juice".

"Holy phark news travels fast" screamed Princess Leah. We are only discussing this just now and Dukie just got e-mails from both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama saying they'd come and join us if they could. Well things are so tight over there that maybe they are both wanting a backup job.

Bella was on the Telegraph Cucumber and a good friend of mine, "Blondie", wanted to support us. Blondie is a nurse and lectures on nursing and we decided then and there she could be "Minister for Health".

I can't keep up with everyone that wants to join the Tree House. Honoruru pitched in with the fact she had an e-mail today from the producers from "Boobwatch" in the US and they wanted to come and join us. Well if that is what happens it is fine.

We sat on the back deck and listened to "Bright Eyes" and his "Cassadaga" album. Who knows what is for dinner and I don't care.

Good one girls and see you soon,

Lukie S Walker.

XXXX

The Cricket Challenge

2008-03-10T18:29:00.005+10:00

"Oh Pharkn Hell Lukie the Tree House Cricket Challenge is goin' off" said Lamb.

I hadn't realised what we had started but everyone wanted to be in on it. Many of my mates had said that my Lukie Skywalker hair made me look and bat like Michael Clarke and now everyone was out to try and take my wicket. Apparently Long Hop and a few others had me as the first scalp they wanted. I was at long odds for most people but Long Hop would prove a challenge.

I had a trick that would keep Long Hop off bowling bouncers or yorkers at me and I didn't mind using it. I would offer her my Billy Bragg collection and tell her if I got my century she could take it all or I'd copy it for her. I thought this type of bribery would work. There was no way Long Hop or anyone else was going to take my off stump.

I discussed this with Princess Leah and she didn't think it would work at all. Princess Leah suggested we get the AK-47 out and take Long Hop "out" if she wasn't prepared to comply with such requests. I didn't think this would work as Long Hop had played against the AK before and whilst she was wounded she still made it through. I told Princess I could refuse to stitch her up and that might work. Finally Princess Leah came up with the answer. If Long Hop didn't agree to play the game my way we'd get out the Pantser and blow her all the way to New Zealand. Then she could play for them and that would be enough punishment for her. We would go over and pick her up when we thought she had had enough. It would be worse than gaol.

So we had our answer and all I needed was to discuss this with Long Hop and see what she thought. The hard bit would be keeping this a secret from everyone else. Princess Leeah suggested we just let it out on the blog anyway as we could always deny it.

So here we have it. The Tree House Cricket Challenge is on this weekend. There is no way that I will be bribing Long Hop. I will win and if not Long Hop will be calling you all from New Zealand as that is where she wants to play. If I win and she has all of Billy Bragg on her ipod next week it is because she went to the music shop.

The orders for the weekend are everyone must bring their own meat and beer. The BBQ will be on at the Tree House from 1PM. Honoruru please bring a green salad without onions or chives or stuff. Lamb and Long Hop please bring couscous salad. Dukie and Baby make it gluten free bread or a rice salad. Princess Leah and I will be making potato salad. Everyone else who turns up must be bringing meat and beer and salad. I'll get a bucket of "4064 Tiramisu" for the afternoon.

Lukie Sky W

XXXX

Oh Phark not the "Ferals"

2008-03-10T16:59:00.008+10:00

The Princess and I took off for a weekend. I was very tired and cranky and needed some time away. Work was pissing me of royally and I was sick of the jungle. I love it here but every now and then I need to see the ocean.

There is a tribe down south of the jungle called "The Ferals" that need looking after. They sort of worship me from afar like I'm a daughter and I had decided it was time to catch up with them.

Princess Leah and I packed our passports and beer vouchers and headed out for the weekend. "The Feral" elders picked us up from the aiport late on Thursday night. On Friday morning the elders took the boat out and went to find some crabs up in the far reaches of the estuary. This didn't worry us as Princess Leah had a job application to do and I needed some soorious chilling out.

After the elders returned home without anything to feed the tribe we went to the beach and then had a bit of a sleep in the afternoon. That night we went to the famous "Country Club" and got blotto.

This was relaxing until we went home and realised the elders were actually the most popular of many tribes down there. Several of the tribes were at the "Ferals" place and the night turned into something rivalling a Mardi Gras. The major difference from a real Mardi Gras is that the "Ferals" use cask wine as a stimulant. We knew that we'd need to go to bed early as the junior Ferals were arriving the next day and that would involve loads of bad fashion from the girls and spear fishing with the boy.

The junior Ferals arrived and we had kisses and hugs all around. They were delighted to see us and true to form the girls were really badly dressed and had even worse fashion on their heads in the form of sunglasses. They looked like they'd crawled out the car through the front and the windscreen had stuck to their faces.

Young "Feral Boy" wanted to go spear fishing and we took him to "The Point" where his dad had spent most summers of a very bad youth. Princess Leah accompanied the boy on the adventure and she came out looking very brown and very happy.

That night we visited a number of old haunts and all the Ferals got on the piss big time. A BBQ for dinner should have seen us in bed but we carried on for more liquid to the Country Club to see a band and run amok. Of course we ignored elders warnings that more beer was not necessary. You can't claim to be a real feral if you don't act like one.

The next day we all had terrible hangovers from the BBQ and we tried to take it easy. Feral Boy wanted to show Princess Leah "The Sanctuary" where fishing is prohibited. After an hour of watching this pair wander around chasing fish we headed home for a few kilograms of prawns and some more beer.After all the junior ferals left we chilled out for a few hours as was required after such feral madness.

Princess and I took to the camp stretchers early and woke this AM ready for a trip home to the jungle. After driving through all of "The Bay" we were dropped at the airport. We told the Feral elders that we would see them somewhere and sometime in this magical country that they travel endlessly through.

Princess and I arrived home to a wet and overcast jungle and I got straight back into work. It was amazing that Dukie and Lamb hadn't picked up the Tree House and taken it with them but it was still here. Princess did the dishes and cleaned the Tree House and picked some flowers she had been growing.

Thanks Princess,

Lukie Skywalker.

XXXX

Long Hop Joins The Tree House For A Few Rounds

2008-03-05T17:59:00.007+10:00

"Holy pharkn cricket ball" screamed Dukie as she walked out onto the back deck of the Tree House.

Lamb, Princess Leah, Honoruru and I were playing cricket in the jungle below. A good friend of Lambs, "Long Hop", was over for the night and was teaching us some new bowling techniques. Long Hop was lethal with a cricket ball and could make it do all sorts of wild and dangerous things.

The "Tree House Cricket Challenge" was on in ten days time and we were going to play against a few tribes that inhabit various other parts of the jungle and we needed some practice.

The Vaginamites were expected to turn up on their camels and we'd probably make it a day of it with some camel racing fun as well.

Princess Leah raced upstairs and grabbed all of the Glad Wrap out of the cupboards. When she went downstairs Long Hop was laughing at her "What is going on Princess?".

Lamb explained that as she had been going through a rough trot with her batting the girls had helped her back into form with the Glad Wrap and the AK-47.

Princess Leah grabbed the AK and let spray with a quick hundred rounds. Lamb collected them all in the Glad Wrap except for one that was embedded in her neck. It was clear Lamb was going down like a bag of camel shit and Long Hop grabbed her and gave her quick rescuscitation whilst I removed the bullet and threw twenty stitches into her neck.

As Lamb got up she was madder than ever. "Righteo Princess, bring it on. Make it pharkn sooorious this time" she screamed. Lamb grabbed a new roll of Glad Wrap and Princess drilled 300 rounds into her. Lamb is a fast learner and there were no wounds this time.

Long Hop was pretty worried about our training regime but I encouraged her to have a go. She jumped in with a helmet. "Pharkn pussy" screamed Honororu who by this stage was off her tits on Scotch and playing as wicketkeeper. I was thinking Honoruru should stop these antics with drinking behind the stumps and taking the piss out of the batter as if they let a few go to the 'keeper we would need an ambulance and not my Doctor's skills to fix her. She had no protection at all.

Long Hop jumped to the crease and took 400 rounds from Princess Leah. She went reasonably well although she had one open wound on her right arm and you could see the bone in her right foot where a few bullets had taken up home. I told Princess Leah it was unreasonable to be bowling 'yorkers' at new friends of the Tree House. I grabbed the sewing kit and Honoruru shoved half a bottle of scotch down Long Hop's neck. Anaesthetic is never far away at the Tree House. All was well after twenty minutes of frantic sewing.

We agreed that it was getting too dark and dangerous as we didn't have the lights on and the necessary white bullets in the AK and we should retire for the night. I cooked a big dinner of pork and various salads and we listened to "The Frames- Setlist Live in Dublin". The wounded retired early and the rest of us stayed up for a few drinks.

See you at the Tree House Cricket Challenge on 16th March.

Lukie

XXXXX

How to Pants a Gay Man

2008-03-03T18:54:00.004+10:00

Honoruru and I woke before sunrise as planned. We looked over and the others were in their hammocks. They looked like they wouldn't wake for a while and we were happy with that.

Honoruru and I were busy getting ready and we sat in the kitchen having a quick coffee talking about what we thought we'd need to do. After we had our thoughts together we went downstairs and jumped into Honoruru's car. We certainly wouldnt get their fast as it was lucky to have enough power to keep the lights on full beam but we puttered along and continued our chat.

After half an hour of going nowhere we heard a massive rumble in the jungle. We thought that was just the city waking up and kept going.

Honoruru parked at the back of the lighthouse and we walked through 1km of jungle and up the steps. We had built the Lighthouse a few years ago for all the villagers to have a point of reference towards town if a natural disaster ever occurred so we knew the design well. We took some back stairs and an underground entrance that only we had a key too and ended up at the top.

When we looked down, Finn and Fanny Freckle were below us in their pink skirts. They would have no idea how we got there but a standard part of 4064 training is a course called "Construction of Lighthouses to Maximise Chance of Ambush of Gay Boys- 101." We had clearly passed the last course.

"Your make-up is pharkn astounding Finn" screamed Honoruru. They looked up surprised and knew straight away we had their measure.

"You girls came without Dukie and Princess and that is a start" called back Finn.

We could have taken them then but we walked down and had kisses and hugs and sat down with some of Bella's lattes they had with them.

"So Finn and Fanny, we respect and appreciate the fact you would like to talk this through and Lukie and I are here to make amends. We do apologise for the way we behaved as a team the other night at the Parallel Universe" said Honoruru.

I loved the way that Honoruru was taking this over.

Finn was upset at the way that the Freckles were the most respected,toughest outlawed gay tribe in the Republic of Queensland and we had overcome with such ease and in public. I didn't like the way they had thought to corner one of us and I made clear they shouldn't have expected any less.

Fanny said many of the boys were still at home with ringing in their ears after the grenade attack. I didn't really care about that as anyone who has a Tree Houser in a headlock needs to be punished and will be.

It was starting to get into a tit for tat thing and Honoruru pulled it up with "well we are here to negotiate and it sounds like we have both done each others tribe wrong. How can we get away from here as sisters, Finny and Fanny and Lukie".

I was happy to leave it as it was. Let's walk away and forget it. Finn wanted more.

"We have to win the Australian Ballroom Dancing Championships this year wuwu" he started. Everyone in town called Honoruru "wuwu" for short. "And the thing we want more than ever is to be able to practice on the well oiled, hardwood dancefloor you have at the Tree House" he said.

Honoruru and I had spoken about this and winked at each other. We had their measure.

"That will be fine Finny as long as you sign a deed of release saying we owe you no more than that. You can come in by rickshaw blindfolded four times a week. You can use our showers and we'll give you the grog from the Labia for fun. We will also let you use our sewing machines for outfits" she continued. Finn was happy.

Honoruru was talking as I watched the sunrise and then heard a massive thump. Something was going on downstairs and I knew it was the Tree Housers on the loose. Just as we had organised an amicable arrangement they were going to phark it up.

Lamb was first to arrive with an AK-47. "Move away Lukie and Honoruru" she said.

"Right you Freckles you can not hold us to ransom" she said. "The girls are downstairs in the Pantser and this will be ugly".

Just then an explosion went off and we all fell to the floor. We looked out the lighthouse and Dukie had let a missile go from the Pantser. There were pink skirts, blonde wigs,silver boob tubes everywhere and naked hairy butts on fire. The Freckles had their tribe hiding and our girls had found them and blown their "uniforms" off.

Lamb stayed still and firm and she said "Let our women go and I will save your lives".

Honoruru jumped up and said "let them be, Lamb, as we have negotiated something here". Lamb held them steady whilst Honoruru and I finalised the deed of release.

Finn signed it on behalf of the Freckle sisters. Then we left the Finn and Fanny at the top and we ran down the bottom with the contract. Honoruru was happy and so was I.

As we got to the bottom Dukie had the Pantser pointed at the lighthouse with a heap of naked men lined up.

"Let 'em go Dukie" I shouted. Finn and Fanny had followed us down to the bottom. I turned to Finn. I said "we have an agreement Finn and if you try anything we will not be so nice next time".

"Now take your skirts off Finn and Fanny" I said. If you don't, Lamb will blow them off for you. At that time Lamb lifted the AK and let a few rounds off. The girls gave me their skirts. At that time I knew exactly what we'd do to try and get our pair of uncontrollables under control.

"Now, Princess Leah and Dukie get out of the Pantser please" I continued. They came out and stood in front of us. Now I asked them to put the gorgeous little pink skirts on, the wigs, the lovely sequin boob tubes and their high heels. I put Cher's "If I could turn back time" on in the Pantser to make sure everyone could hear us from miles around. I drove the Pantser home with that pair on the top and all of the villagers came out to have a look. This will be the talk of the jungle for months to come and should keep Dukie and Princess Leah thinking about whether it's worth being naughty for a while.

Yes we are a great and mighty tribe of jungle warriors.

Goodnight Girls,

Lukie

XXXXX

Meet at the Lighthouse. Tomorrow at Sunrise.

2008-03-02T20:24:00.004+10:00

"Hello Bella" said Princess Leah as she answered the Telegraph Cucumber.

"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Well Bella there are lots of people who don't like the way we have fun but the most important thing is that overall we do good things and dont hurt people" I could hear her saying.

There was a long pause on our end and then Princess started again "Yeah, Yeah. Holy phark Bella if this is an ambush then we won't be happy." By now everyone was sitting around listening as Princess was standing up and getting quite agitated. "Yeah well she is here right now and hang up and I'll discuss it with her and then call us back in 10" Princess said as she hung up.

"The Freckles are well pissed off and have threatened to start a soorious war against us if we don't give them some access to the Tree House and our toys" said Princess.

It appeared they wanted me to go in and meet them somewhere and apologise for the Parallel Universe incident and then negotiate some outcome that involved them being able to play in our sandpit. I agreed that I'd get in the car and go in. The girls were less enthusiastic about me being alone and Honoruru said she wanted to come inside and negotiate with me as she thought she knew what they were after. I didn't question her or have time to talk about it. I knew Honoruru and I had the same philosophy when it came to negotiation and we'd probably work well together.

Lamb, Dukie, Rocky and now Camilla said they would provide me with cover. I quickly told Princess Leah to tell Bella that we'd meet at the Lighthouse on the left hand side of the Ten Ways. Finn Freckle could bring one of his girls and I'd have one of mine and just as I was finishing telling her that the Telegraph Cucumber rang.

"Bella, it is the Princess again. These are the orders. Lukie will be at the Ten Ways with Honoruru. We suggest tomorrow at sun up. Finn is allowed to have one other girl with him. The meeting will be in the Lighthouse on the Eastern side, on the outside of the jungle side side. You know where I am talking about Bella".

Bella obviously knew where Princess was talking about and promised to pass the message on to the Freckles. Bella also said she'd send out some of her famous banana cake and a few lattes for the ladies.

Dukie, Princess Leah, Lamb and Camilla started running downstairs. I had no idea what they were up too but I had no doubt it would be preparing for tomorrow at sunrise.

Honororu said she thought they wanted to use our Ballroom downstairs. I couldn't believe it nut she had heard on the grapevine that the Freckles were trying to win the Australian Ballroom Dancing Championships. They wanted to keep all of their moves under wraps and they needed to practice in quiet.

I thanked Honoruru for her information and told her that we'd keep that up our sleeves.

Meanwhile, Lamb came running up the stairs and screamed "we will be out for a few hours and go to bed without us girls".

I looked at Honororu as she said " we will be taking the Vintage Car tomorrow so leave it at home".

I heard them all jumping into the Batmobile. Of course they'd take the fastest machine we have. Lamb had her AK-47 and was sitting in the passenger seat with Camilla on her knee.Dukie drove and Princess Leah was surfing on the bonnet as they took off.

I looked at Honoruru and we both knew we'd be safe as they'd cover us. If we weren't safe it would be funny at least.

Goodnight girls and be safe wherever you are tonight.

Lukie S

XXXXXXXXXX

Happy Mardi Gras

2008-03-01T17:27:00.011+10:00

"Holy Pharkn Luke Skywalker" screamed Dukie as I emerged from the Labia running like a mad woman.

"Get down everyone- she's gonna blow" I yelled in a mad panic as I hit the jungle floor in my white labia coat.

Everyone rolled out of their hammocks and jumped into the brace position.

Princess Leah had been at a Workplace Health and Safety course and had taught everyone the brace position and what do in an emergency. I raced upstairs to see if the "emergency drill" was working. It sort of had worked. Everyone had hold of their breastacles and their beers.

"That is not quite right and you have all failed the test" I said. Princess Leah and Dukie did that fall over and laugh thing and Honoruru and Lamb were having their own fun. "Stop it, you pair" I screamed.

They all sat up and looked at me. "That was a test only and I was seeing how well you had adsorbed the knowledge Princess Leah has been passing on" I said.

I was starting to brew some more potent Gin in the Labia, the Tree House was full of powerful servers and technology and electronic stuff. In the case that something went wrong we had to be prepared. Clearly we weren't. I decided that I'd spring another surprise on them next week.

"It's Mardi Gras Saturday night and we are all bored" said Honoruru. We had had a big week and we were all busted so going out wasn't an option. I told them I didnt have any ideas but I was filthy and wanted to have a relaxing bath and I'd be up for anything they suggested when I got out.

I jumped into a big relaxing bath and soaked the worries away. We had some big weeks with the Tree House Technologies and we were almost out of debt with the trading company. That left alot of debt still, but with the main trading company completely out of the banks reach I could relax. It was testament to the work we were doing that we were flourishing on cash only accounts with no overdraft. It also looked like we would out of the hassle of having to sell real estate to cover unsecured debt as it would all be secured. WOO HOO!!

As I laid back in the bath I could hear all sorts of carry on in the Tree House. Honoruru had out some extra potent scotch I had brewed for her and Lamb was on the Chambord. Princess Leah and Dukie were organising the crew from the sound of it.

I opened the bathroom door to a fairly wild sight. Everyone was dressed as cartoon charatcers and were dancing on the back deck to Powderfinger. Holy Pharkn shit I thought.

I couldn"t tell who was who from looking at them but the voices were a giveaway. "Lets had into town in and cause some mad havoc" said Princess Leah dressed as Robin. Lamb was Minnie Mouse and Honoruru was Mickey. Rocky had turned up and she was "Wonder Woman" complete with silver knee high boots. Dukie was dressed as Batman "And then let's come home afterwards and root like rabbits" she said. They fell on the ground and laughed. Lamb and Honoruru were in "the fall on the ground and laugh" exercise by now as well. I didn't know what the rabbit thing was all about until Princess pulled out my Easter Bunny suit.

It wasn't Easter but hot cross buns and easter eggs were on sale in town. I also got the feeling the girls were taking the piss out of me big time as their "bunny".

It is dress up time for Sydney Mardi Gras and we might as well have fun. Even though we are 1000 km away in Brisvegas.

So we went out to the back deck and had a few more bevvies. Dukie didn't drink as she had agreed to drive. I didnt know where we were driving or what as I thought we were staying home. I agreed to myself not to ask.

The next thing Princess Leah and Dukie disappeared downstairs and told us to all wait for them to get ready.

We had a few more beers and then we heard some ferocious engine noise downstairs. A very loud horn went off and Lamb screamed "to the pole, dancers" as they all laughed madly. They obviously knew what was going on.

I just followed everyone running and inside to the Tree House "Formal Dining Room" where the girls had installed a big brass pole that we could slide down. One by one we slid down and Dukie and Princess Leah were sitting inside the "Batmobile".

"We found it on eBay" screamed Dukie. Honoruru had worked out the finance arrangements and paid for it. Apparently Dukie and Princess Leah had put a new rocket engine in it. Lamb had found the pole at one of the Brisvegas Pole Dancing Clubs and her and Rocky had broken in and stolen it. The Vaginamites had helped them get it home on one of their camel trucks.

"Jump in and let's ride" Dukie screamed. Dukie was the driver and Princess Leah was in the passenger seat with a 6-pack of Corona. "We've got the lemons if you lot get in" she screamed with laughter. We could hardly fit but we sat with our legs inside and our backsides on the "boot" and Princess Leah put the Dixie Chicks on the CD player at full volume.

"Pharkn hang on you pair" screamed Lamb, " I need to get my gun". Lamb raced inside and grabbed the AK-47. Excellent, I thought, Minnie Mouse has an AK-47 and we will be so incognito.

Dukie had the Batmobile sideways all the way into town. Being an old Queenslander the "Parallel Universe" had wide open verandahs and Dukie didn't bother to park but drove straight in. The place was going off and we jumped out to mad hysteria. Everyone knew who we were and straight away there were hugs and kisses.

We went into the bar and started drinking. After an hour or so Lamb came up and said "The Freckles are here and we need to keep ourselves low key". I looked at Lamb and could not believe what she had said. We were dressed as cartoon characters and we were never going to be low key. The Freckles are a tribe of gay guys that want to come and live downstairs at the Tree House. They continually ask us if they can join the Tree Housers and have said they'd resort to a hostile take-over if we didn't let them come and live with us.

After a while I looked over and Finn Freckle and Speckled Date, the two leaders of the Freckles, had Mickey Mouse, or Honoruru, in a headlock. Fanny Freckle was watching on and I knew the others would be somewhere. Honoruru was doing her best but she needed help. Rocky raced in and gave Finn Freckle a right hook and he fell to the ground. "Speckles" looked across just as Lamb went in with the butt of the AK-47 and knocked him sideways. Honororu jumped up just as there was a massive explosion in the Inferno Bar that knocked us all over.

Princess Leah came running out with a grenade in her right hand and grabbed all of us. "Get in the pharkn Batmobile" she screamed.

We all ran without knowing what was going on. Next thing Duke made it to the drivers seat and started the Batmobile. We took off as about ten men with pink skirts around their necks came running out after us. Princess threw her remaining grenade and we were off.

We made it to the Ten Ways and then back to the Tree House with everyone still in one piece. It turned out that Princess Leah was in the ladies bathroom whilst the Freckles were in there getting dressed and putting their make-up on. They were talking and saying how they were going to take out the 4064 Squadron and take-over the Tree House. Princess Leah was in the toilet and heard them. She walked casually out and then when she was just outside the Ladies threw a grenade at the door. She still had one grenade left from the "Twins" as she called her grenade set and kept it in her right hand in case she needed to throw another one. At the same time Dukie was in on the act and she had let off fire extinguisers in the Inferno Bar so the Freckles couldn't see as they chased us out.

We would now have to be careful as the Freckles were bitchier than a bunch of lesbians with PMT and they were after us.

We sat back and laughed at yet another night for the 4064 Squadron that would be the talk of the town.

The Telegraph Cucumber started ringing and I answered it with "Yes Bella".

"Just tell me Lukie, the Freckles want to know if Dukie was acting with Princess Leah as they are really pissed off and want to get them together". I laughed and said "Bella, Princess Leah in trouble without Dukie would be like bacon without eggs".

Goodnight girls and love you all,

Lukie.

XXXX

Hairdryers and Rifles

2008-02-28T16:27:00.006+10:00

The waters had now completely receded and Princess Leah was planning her next flame throwing exercise. It would need to be with the co-operation of the local natives as we'd need to make sure the native fauna still had enough habitat to survive and build up numbers to be sustainably harvested. It was all part of our natural resource management plan and we'd need some co-ordinated "patchwork" burning.

The vegetation would take off for the next month and we'd do some cool burns before it dried out and became dangerously dry over the winter and leading into the next summer. Last autumn we had to engage Mav and Goose to spray fire retardant over some major bushfires as we fought them from the ground with the locals.

The mosquito problem was worse than ever and I was busy distilling some Pyrethrin for use by us and the villagers. Brisbane City Council had agreed to buy a heap off us for use by the local villagers.

Lamb and Dukie had spent all day in town getting some new weapons from our black market sources. With the fires that we were about to light there would be loads of feral pigs that would come from the bush. If we lit the fires at the right time with the wind direction and us in the right place we could just take aim as the pigs came running from the flames.

Lamb had asked "Black Jack" to source some .308 calibre Remingtons for us. These had Winchester Optics rifle scopes and we were unlikley to miss. It was going to be fun as Lamb had agreed that she'd let us all join in the hunt this year. It was all in the name of feral animal control and environmental management so I had no problem with guns and violence.

Lamb arrived home and said "we got those pharkn Lamingtons for us Lukie." I couldn't work out why she'd have cakes with her but then I realised it was her English letting her down and she had meant the "Remingtons".

We all went down the back of the mud pile that was the jungle with long pants and shirts on to keep the mosquitos off and started some target practice. Lamb was helping us all with these new weapons.

"HolyPharkn feral pig" screamed Dukie as she let off the first shot. She didn't expect the kickback from the Remington and it fair knocked her over.

"Stand up and fight like a real woman" screamed Lamb. Lamb didn't suffer fools and had a wicked wog mouth on her.

Princess Leah helped Dukie up out of the mud and we continued with our training.

We had a few hours of training with the rifles. Lamb was adamant that she wouldn't let any of us go out to shoot if we couldn't get a charging boar or sow with a first shot. This would take a few weeks of practice.

Lamb had also stopped at some of the villages along the way and asked the natives to join us. It was cool as Slim had made his way after finishing the kayaking over at Camp Camp. He had his brothers "Pumpkin", "Purple" and "HD". I had no idea how they all got their names except for "HD".

HD was short for "HairDryer." HD spent all day doing his hair as it was so beautiful. Whenever we met he came up and said "Yo Lukie, brother, love your do". Apparently the Lukie Skywalker hair was something special as it stood up all by itself. HD was always trying to get my secret hair product recipe but it honestly just comes naturally. I think it was something to do with spending all day thinking crazy thoughts that made my hair want to get as far from my brain as it could.

Apparently Pumpkin was given his name because he always won the pumpkin scone competition at the Ekka. Purple was always wearing purple as it was his favourite colour as they explained to us that day.

So us and the brothers stood out the back and fired off a couple of hundred rounds and rarely missed. Camilla and Honoruru were the standouts as they hit the targets we had set up every time.

We walked back inside and Princess grabbed the fishing gear. With the waters flowing so fast out to sea the Barramundi would be running and she wanted to catch us dinner. Princess and Dukie and the brothers took off in some of the dugouts down the Mighty River and said they'd be back. They took a few 4064 Squadron beers and said they'd be back with dinner.

I went back into the Labia and checked on the still. It was working a treat.

Camilla went back to working on the zoo animals.

Lamb started pulling apart the new rifles and cleaning them.

When Princess and Dukie and the brothers returned they had half the local village with them and a heap of "Barra".

We thought there is no time like the present and we all jumped into boats or dugouts and took off up the river to the high country. We had an hour left of darkness and we got the dry area.

We lit some big fires and got some smoke action happening. That kept the mossies away.

I had some saucepans boiling with water and rice.

Then Princess and the brothers put the Barramundi on whole to bake in the coals.

Dukie had made some gluten free bread the day before that we had grabbed before we left the Tree House.

Lamb had made some rocket, tomato and mozarella salad. Honororuru had grabbed some laksa paste, coconut milk, coriander, snow peas and made a sauce. WE had a feast.

We fed a whole village with a few fishes and a few loaves of bread. It was a night of biblical proportions.

The kids and the men from the village put on a Corroboree after dinner.

I looked over and through the campfire light I could see Camilla crying. I walked over and gave her a hug.

"The 4064 Squadron is everything I have heard and more than I could have imagined Lukie. I love you all" she said.

I knew what she was thinking. There are some very simple things that you can experience in your life that are wonderful. If you start with a bit of respect for the people around you and traditional cultures and the land you are temporarily responsible for it can bring you great happiness.

We stayed out at camp that night and enjoyed each others company. The locals needed some medicines, a school and some assistance with business ventures. Honoruru and I would help with all of that. We needed help with some sustainable building projects and who better to ask than the natives? We all need one another.

Goodnight everyone,

Lukie

XXXX

Pashing a Panda

2008-02-27T14:36:00.004+10:00

The waters were starting to recede rapidly and now we'd have a few days of mosquito hell. I could see that we'd be needing some rapid brewing of Pyrethrin in the Labia.

The chemical companies would be selling a whole heap of toxic crud to Brisbane City Council and all the businesses in town and the last thing I wanted was any of that near us or the villagers. Pyrethrin might not be as effective but it doesn't hurt the environment either.

I went out and started to get stuff up out of the remaining floodwaters and put them on the shelves. I cleaned out some glassware and got the still working again. Lucky Princess had only just finished a harvest of plants to extract the pyrethrin from. They were drying in the roof of the Tree House and they would be ready by now.

I raced back inside to start getting things ready for some soorious distilling.

Camilla had stayed over last night as their was too much going on with unloading the Ark and we needed help. Camilla was a veterinarian in her native home of Mexico before she moved over here to Brisvegas and it looked her skills would come in handy.

Apparently she hadn't told the girls this at the interview as she didn't want to appear overqualified for the position of cleaner. She so desperately wanted to join the 4064 Squadron that she would clean the Tree House if that is what it took to get inside.

Apparently back in Mexico she had worked at the zoologico de chapultepec, or Mexico Zoo. She was in charge of the giraffe section as she was a specialist in neck therapy for giraffes. There is a job for everyone, I am convinced.

A few years ago she left Mexico after it was found out that her three brothers had committed serious crimes and she was targetted as well. I didn't ask what the crimes were as we'd find out sooner or later. She said she had changed her name as well and back in Mexico she was "Dr Camilla Dolittle". I just can't believe some of the things that go on in the Tree House. Honestly, who would have thought?

So Dr Dolittle was busy writing a list of medicines and instruments she would need if she was going to be the Tree House Vet with all these new animals. I told her not to worry about whether anything would be hard to get or too expensive as Honoruru, Princess Leah and Dukie can source anything.

Princess Leah and Dukie were asleep still after the big trip. I felt like waking them up to make them help us clean and look after all of these animals. We had two crocodiles in the pharkn kitchen for gods sake.

Lamb walked in to the kitchen without thinking what was in there.

I heard a massive scream and then the sound of Lamb laying the boot into one of them. "Get out of my way you pharkn overgrown pharkn lizards" she said. Two six foot long crocodiles in the kitchen would be enough to scare anyone. But not our Lamb.

"Lukie we need to have a soorious chat about this" she said as she walked out with some chocolate brownies and a coffee. "Princess Leah and Dukie continually make up their own rules for everything and this time I'm really over it. Soooriously, Lukie I woke up pashing a Panda Bear this morning".

Lamb was hot and horny in the mornings but surely she would have known a Bear was in her hammock and not her latest squeeze. I rolled my eyes and looked away.

"ok. ok. forget the Pashing the Panda thing. It wasn't right of me. She was cute and cuddly and I got carried away before I woke up. But look at this place Lukie. It is a disaster".

I had to admit she was completely right. Princess Leah and Dukie were going to have to take some soorious responsibility for this debacle. How can we have a lesbian zoo?

Just as I walked out on to the back deck the Princess and Dukie had woken up and I couldnt work out which animals they were talking about. Dukie appeared to be emitting a very high pitch squeal kind of noise.

All of a sudden I saw two bats sitting in the big mango tree beside the Tree House wake up and start talking back to Dukie.

Then Dukie looked at me and said "Do you know what they just said Lukie?". Of course I couldn't understand bat language.

They were singing a song for you Lukie about where and when they will see you again. Oh, my heart soared. How sweet.

Dukie sang "Same BatTime. Same Bat Channel. Na na na na na na na na. Batgirls!!"

Princess Leah and Dukie rolled out of their hammocks onto the floor laughing together.

Lukie Skywalker.

XXXX

Camilla Gonzalez Prays for Fallen Warriors

2008-02-26T21:49:00.000+10:00

The 4064 Flotilla

2008-02-26T15:57:00.007+10:00

Princess Leah and Dukie were gone for a couple of days and I had no idea what was going on. When I asked them to pick up Camilla,Honoruru and Lamb from town I did so because i thought they would be back that afternoon. Sure we packed enough "Sangers" for a few days but I sooriously thought thye'd be back after a few hours.

Maybe they were on the Gin and lost in a puddle somewhere.

After a few days I called Lamb and told her to get out of town and home with the others. Lamb had caught a ferrycat to the Ten Ways and then met Honoruru and Camilla Gonzalez. I had sent a message in a bottle to the locals and they then took a Gondola out and picked the three of them up.

When the Gondola got to the Tree House, Slim jumped out and gave me a kiss. I hadn't seen Slim in ages but it was great to see him as usual. Slim was one of the local men that looked after us. We looked after him and his people and so we all lived happily together.

"Hey Lukie, where's them Dukie and Leah at? Eh?" he said. "We heard them girls went up river with a litre of Gin, the lightsaber, some spare batteries and two girl rhinoceruseses!" was followed with a heap of laughter. In fact Slim was doubled over with laughter and whatever those girls had done must have been wildly funny.

"What are you playing at here Slim, the Lightsaber is packed away and I have no idea what the rhino business is all about?" I said in bewilderment.

"Ah, you find out soon Mrs Skywalker!" said Slim. Every female was a 'Mrs" to Slim.

"Anyways,I gotta go as the brothers and I are having a kayaking competition on these boats this afternoon over at your Camp Camp. The water is flowing fast over the rocks there as it is high flood point. We'll check the Camp for you and fix any broken things before we come back" he said.

Slim headed off after inviting us to the next Corroboree. It would be a while off as it would have to dry out. I sent him off with 40L of enviornmentally friendly pyrethrin insecticide I had brwed in the Labia. Honoruru jumped inside and grabbed a heap of bandages and medicines and a few cricket bats and balls for the kids and gave them to Slim.

"You sisters pharkn cool" he said as he pushed off in the Gondola. "Especially that Camilla Gondola". We all had big happy hugs and went inside after seeing Slim off.

Camilla was eager to please us and got started on the cleaning straight away. The place was mostly muddy from the rain and it just needed mopping.

Honoruru, Lamb and I sat on the back deck and got down to business. Honoruru's beer was being patented and we needed to develop a business plan so we could finance it. This wasn't going to be an issue but we needed all our cashflow projectionsto be right.

I went to the fridge and grabbed four 4064 Squadron lagers. I whipped the tops off them, handed one to Camilla and then started walking back towards the back deck.

"Holy Pharkn Lesbian Giraffes" screamed Dukie from out the side of the Tree House. I raced out and I could hardly believe what I saw. All four of us had our jaws on the floor. What have they done now?

Princess Leah and Dukie were in "Plastic Fantastic" followed by two dozen or more dugouts from native tribes, tinnies, floating bean bags, surfboards, bathtubs and everything else that would float and that could be tied together.

The "4064 Flotilla" was born. But this was only half the story.

In each of these was a pair of animals.

"It is Noah's Pharkn Ark" screamed out Princess Leah.

"We have saved all the wildlife in The Republic" screamed Dukie.

They floated up to the side of the deck and I grabbed a few extra beers. It turned out they had gone up the Mighty River and then taken a left turn and headed North to the Daintree Rainforest. They had slept with local tribes all the way and been fed from stocks of food they had saved from the floods.

We started unloading some of the animals into the Tree House and I noticed there was something wrong. I loked at Honoruru and Lamb and they were thinking the same thing.

Finally Camilla opened her mouth with "these are all girls!"

"Pharkn yeah" said Princess Leah. "We are planning on making a lesbian world over here in The Republic of Queensland" she continued.

At that point Dukie and Princess Leah jumped on top of each other and then fell on the floor laughing.

So we had forty pairs of animals in total. They were all female.

We sat and thought about all of this. Finally Camilla said something.

"This place is gonna be a pharkn bitch when you've all got PMT".

Never have truer words been said.

Goodnight Girls. Love all of you. All of you.

Mrs Lukie Skywalker

XXXXX

Dukie and Princess Leah Save the Planet........Anything else is incidental

2008-02-25T21:19:00.008+10:00

"Holy pharkn lots of water" screamed Dukie as she hung over the back deck for a look below.

One of the problems in living on the jungle is the heat builds up until storm season and then torrential rainfall is the norm until the whole place floods. We are lucky in the Tree House as we are so high up, but all around us in Brisvegas and the Republic of Queensland there was sooorious damage being done by rising waters. Captain Bligh had declared a "Republic Emergency" as things were so dire.

I could hear Princess Leah in the bathroom and I had no idea what she was up to. Next thing she waddled out with her jungle bikini, flippers, goggles and snorkel on and jumped off the back deck.

"Bombs away Dukester" she screamed as she went over the edge.

Next thing she landed with a splash that went over the roof of the Tree House and covered all of us as well. When she came up her bikini top was looking more like a bandanna and her flotation aids were keeping her upright. A bit nipply I guessed as floods waters are generally cold due to having just come from the air. I think.

Princess swam around for a while before she screamed out she had an idea and Dukie needed to start getting "Plastic Fantastic" ready. Plastic Fantasic is a big "float" we had built for a Mardi Gras a few years ago out of pink plastic. Afterwards we were thinking of putting her in for recycling when Lamb came up with an idea that we could turn it into a boat. It sat down the back of the jungle most of the time. For the last day or so it had been moored off the back of the Tree House.

Dukie and Princess Leah had been fixing up the engines and we were thinking of taking her out to the Mighty River soon. If needed we might also do some food and medicine drops for villagers or for towns people even. Obviously Princess Leah had other ideas.

"Dukie you will need to pack as many sandwiches and cakes as possible as this will be a big trip. We will need to sail the length and breadth of this great land to fulfil our mission. Dukie looked a little bewildered as Princess still hadn't filled us in on exactly what the mission involved.

Dukie and I jumped into action anyway. Dukie packed some egg and lettuce, ham and cheese, sundried tomato, basil and salami sandwiches. All on gluten free bread she bakes at the Tree House. I knew some of our big mango trees would still be above water and told the girls not to forget these.

I also baked a super quick batch of gluten free chocolate brownies.

Then I added a litre of Gin in case they got lost. I have no idea how it happens but you never fail to get home when you're off your tits on Gin. Lost? Have a drink and you'll wake up in the morning saying "I can't remember getting home". The point is at least you got home. So always be prepared and take Gin. Phark taking a compass or map.

The girls headed off in Plastic Fantastic. I reminded them that they might have to get Lamb from work over near the Mighty River and Honoruru and Camilla Gonzalez from the "Ten Ways".

Princess Leah smiled and said "she'll be pharkn right mate- we are off to save the planet and anything else is incidental".

I had no idea what they were up to and I didn't want to know.

Goodbye girls. Safe sailing.

Lukie S

XXXXXXX

Camilla Gonzalez

2008-02-24T16:24:00.010+10:00

"Holy pharkn dirty Tree House" screamed the Princess as she wandered out into the lounge room.

Daz and Kylie, the new Tree House camels had broken the rules and made it onto the back deck overnight. They had broken into the back deck and into our beer fridge. Dukie and Princess had been teaching them how to open and drink beer and they were out cold in the jungle below.

Lucky as it was 36 degrees and mental humidity. Being awake was absolute hell.

There were 300 loads of washing, a tonne of unpacked crockery, cutlery, saucepans and kitchen stuff we had collected from one of our other houses that need to be unpacked, 200 CD's on the floor that were being loaded onto our new server and entertainment system, company papers and research stuff everywhere.

"This place looks like a brothel on half price night" screamed Princess Leah. She has a way with words.

Princess Leah did most of the cleaning and then I chipped in with some effort in between working on "technology stuff".We had won some major deals in the last week and things were really taking off.

Finally we did enough cleaning but the Tree House was really overflowing still. Packing two houses and a company into one was not easy, no matter how big the Tree House was.

In order to deal with the heatwave that had been predicted for Brisvegas this weekend Princess Leah had bought a small inflatable pool of about 3m diameter. She had blown it up a few nights ago and was busy cooling herself down in a white singlet and little else. Her idea was that a white singlet competition was a good Sunday afternoon, post-cleaning activity and I had to admit it was good entertainment. I just admired her eyes and gave her a bottle of chocolate sauce for her effort.

Honoruru emerged from the Casting Couch late as she'd had a big night and decided she'd start interviewing for a cleaner for the Tree House. Honoruru, Lamb and Dukie started on their list of questions whilst Princess Leah and I tested the chocolate sauce.

The Interview List

Sex:

Sexuality:

Weight:

Height:

Bra Size:

Leg Length:

Previous Employment History:

Previous History at Parallel Universe (Name all Babes and Time attached):

Previous history with Camels:

Ability to fix mechanical equipment (Name all engines):

Any experience in a Labia:

Beveridge preference:

Honoruru got on the Telegraph Cucumber and gave Bella a tingle. Honoruru gave every woman a tingle but this was sooorious.

"Bella, this is Madam Honororu and I need 20 hot babes to interview. They must be able to cook and clean and look after the Tree Housers" I heard her say.

I was starting to get worried and I knew what they were up to. I said "Honoruru I need an IQ test as well to satisfy me".

The girls ran out to their hammocks and grabbed their pillows.

"Lukie stop being such an intellectule, boring phark" screamed Dukie. Princess Leah jumped on me first and then their was some massive lesbian pillow action happening.

After a while I screamed "I pharkn surrender".

Bella was obviously listening in the background and was a bit disturbed. Eventually Honoruru said "we won that pillow fight and we need them to know their name, but that is about it Bella".

The next day Bella sent out 20 blindfolded babes to the Tree House. Dukie and Princess Leah picked them up from the Parallel Universe in the Priscilla Bus.

I wasn't part of the interview process as I have no HR skills. I did walk in to the final interview and apparently Dukie had been adding questions of her own to keep up the entertainment. I heard her ask Camilla Gonzalez the final question.

"Do you know how to breathe through your ears?" Dukie asked. Without a word of warning this woman put a peg on her nose and closed her mouth and started breathing through her ears.

Dukie, Honoruru, Lamb and Princess Leah fell to the floor. This time it wasn't from laughter but from amazement. Camilla Gonzalez had the job. She would have to be carted in blindfolded on a rickshaw twice a week after getting to the "Ten Ways". She was happy as she didn't have to sign one of Johnny Howard's AWA's for slave labour and she heard we respected women so she wanted the job.

Camilla Gonzalez had Mexican parents but somehow she turned up looking like this and we weren't about to question her. God knows we all have dubious histories.

All we cared was that we had someone who could cook and clean and was funny. Apparently Camilla's second job was as a stand up comedian and she had also done alot of work on TV. She admitted she had secretly wanted to join the 4064 Squadron for a long time. We didn't know about her joining the Squadron but we'd certainly see how she went over time.

Who cares what she does really? She can breathe through her ears and that is a skill we all want to master.

Goodnight girls. Love you all.

Lukie

XXXXX

The Tunnel of Love

2008-02-21T17:21:00.006+10:00

"Lukie, tell me Dukie and Princess Leah haven't been up to no good" said Bella straight away as I picked up the new Telegraph Cucumber. Lamb had smashed the old one at cricket practice with Princess Leah.

"Whoa back, Bella" I said as I tried to work out what was sending her into such a flap.

I had just finished watching a news flash about Brisbane City Council and I was sure it wasn't the girls. Apparently someone had broke into the tunnel development that was going to take cars from the North to the South without going through the city. Whoever had broken in had reprogrammed the machines to start heading to the West and back underneath the jungle. The tunnel was almost at the "Ten Ways". One of the original exits was behind the Parallel Universe and the theory was that we wanted a quick entry and exit to the Parallel Universe and so the girls had commandeered the drilling machines to make that happen.

I told Bella I'd wait until the girls got home before getting too worried. I hung up and knew straight away it was the Tree Housers on the loose again.

I heard and then saw a big Huey helicopter fly over and I knew that was Bella was saying was true. They obviously thought we were involved and were now hunting for us.

I had no idea where any of the girls were but I'd wait for them to get home and interroate them. I opened a beer and sat on the deck and watched the sunset and thought about all of this. It was very sooorious and I hoped it wasn't true.

Next thing Dukie and Lamb and Princess ran in and closed the bathroom door behind them without saying hello. I barged in and here they were in overalls, covered in dust, with safety glasses still on, steel cap boots and laughing hysterically.

"What the phark?" I started in a very angry tone.

"Honestly Lukie we didn't do it. What? We didn't do nuffink" said Princes Leah in her best "Im an innocent child caught up in someone else's mess" impersonation.

"Do you realise how soorious this is?" I asked.

I walked out and slammed the door and let them have a shower. They crawled out later and started making dinner.

Lamb started the conversation with "It was ridiculously easy Lukie and we thought it was the best thing to do for all of the people who live west of the jungle.This really is a sooorious benefit to the community. I just had to reprogram a few machines and Dukie and Princess drove it. We honestly didn't think anyone would notice".

I started to talk again when Princess Leah screamed out "and there are no better tunnelers than Lesbians, Lukie". These girls had managed to achieve in one day what would have taken 100 men a year.

I couldn't argue with that one.

I decided that we'd have a few beers and then a sleep and then we'd decide what to do in the morning. These girls had so much good in them we just had to get them phocused.

PHOCUS YOU PHARKERS.

Lukie

XXXX

The Vaginamites

2008-02-20T18:03:00.005+10:00

I was sitting on the back deck of the Tree House when I heard "Greensleaves" coming up through the jungle.

I had been asleep in my hammock until late morning and had no idea that Dukie and Princess Leah had taken the ice cream van out. The Postie and the Rollercoaster were still in town getting paint washed off the windscreens and so the girls must have taken the van out.

Then I heard the Beast. I couldn't work out what was happening as Dukie must be on the bike.

I raced downstairs to see what was going on. Princess Leah was reversing the van and it sounded like their was a real riot in the back of it. Dukie pulled in and she was covered in cow shit. You could hardly see her eyes as her glasses and helmet were covered in it too.

As Princess Leah opened the back of the truck Dukie swept into action and started screaming "whoa up, get up their you bastards" as she waved her hands round.

Two camels jumped out the back of the truck and started running down into the jungle. It must be camel shit that Dukie was covered in.

I couldn't believe what was happening but then again this is the Tree House and this is Princess Leah and Dukie.

"What the phark are you pair up to?" I screamed in disbelief.

"Well you wouldn't believe it Dr Skywalker" said Princess as she stood with her hands on her hips and gave me that "you wouldn't believe it if we told you Dr Skywalker" look.

Dukie started with "we heard that the Saudi Royal Family are coming to Australia to start a camel racing competition". Princess Leah conveniently finished it for her with "and we are going to go in it!! How pahrkn cool is that Luke".

I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I thought I'd laugh as crying was a bit of overkill.

They said they had two boy camels so we couldn't be implicated in any feral camel problem and they had been thinking about it for ages. They went out to the desert this afternoon and Dukie rounded up these two on the Beast. Then they shoved them in the ice cream van and Princess drove them home. She said it was a pretty mad ride with them shoved in the back but she stopped every hour and gave them a double cone with chocolate and nuts on it so they were relatively happy. The RSPCA couldn't get us on "camel cruelty" if they'd been fed ice cream every hour surely.

Straight away my mind was going into overdrive with the logistics of the whole thing and how we might be able to fund a decent camel racing campaign. Apparently Honoruru had been a party to this and she had guaranteed the girls we'd be able to get the best of everything to make sure we'd win.

Money is one thing, Honoruru, but dedication and effort and most importantly knowledge was another.

Princess Leah said she had spoken to the "Vaginamites" over in the northern quarter of the jungle. The "Vaginamites" were so called because they are a tribe of lesbians that broke into a supermarket and the only thing they stole was "Vegemite". After spending ten years looking after camels in the Saudi desert for some soooriously rich people they returned to Australia. The one thing they missed more than anything was Vegemite and as soon as they got off the plane from the Middle East they wanted some. It was the middle of the night and none of the shops were open so they broke in to the Paddington IGA and stole cartons of the black crap. They were caught but escaped and came to hide in the jungle. The Tree Housers looked after them for the first year and then Dukie and Princess Leah made a deal with the local supermarket and Bargearse that the Vaginamites would clean the shop windows in payback for their crime. So they owed us and they knew what they were doing in terms of camel racing. They'd help us for sure.

I loved it. Another pharkn ridiculous thing that the Tree Housers will undertake just to prove that life is not a dress rehearsal.

"Do we have any names for them girls?" I asked.

"Well we thought we thought we'd call them Daz and Kylie" said Dukie. Princess Leah did that fall on the floor and laugh thing for a few minutes and I let her go.

So the Tree House now has 2 camels called Daz and Kylie. Go figure.

Just keep those snorting, spitting things away from Lamb and her AK-47. No camels on the back deck. No camels in the kitchen. No camels in my Labia. No camels anywhere near me.

I love you girls.

Luke Skywalker

XXXXXXXXXX

For the Princess

2008-02-20T17:55:00.002+10:00

The Labia is not the Source of all Happiness

2008-02-18T22:03:00.008+10:00

This is the serotonin molecule.

It is generally acknowledged this molecule and its role as a neurotransmitter is what makes you happy and content and I have long thought that I might try and make some of this in the Labia. I know it would be no good by ingestion as it won't pass the blood-brain barrier as it is metabolised. However, this doesn't stop me from fantasising that we might be able to artificially synthesise happiness in the Labia.

I spoke to Princess Leah at great length about my desire to do this tonight.Maybe I should just exercise more and live a simpler life and reduce my expectations. I don't think we have too many expectations here at the Tree House. We are a pretty honest and genuinely caring group of souls that all want the best for each other and find that one of the most important things is humour. In case you haven't noticed we're phunny pharkers. In fact some would say extremely phunny.

But it would be nice to be able to make a whole batch of this and miraculously see life in a different manner.

Either that or we could take a leaf from Henry David Thoreau's book.

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn".

Tomorrow is another VC day for Tree House companies and it is all getting rather boring. I'd rather be driving a Pantser through the jungle to be quite honest. A dawn is coming for me personally, and maybe for the others as well. I hope so.

Goodnight "Happy Housers" and here's to our many dawns ahead.

Lukie

XXXXX

Discipline Day

2008-02-17T22:24:00.005+10:00

"Pharkn hell" screached Princess Leah as she rolled out of the hammock and onto the floor of the Tree House back deck with a thud. Princess was an absolute mess after last nights activities.She rolled and groaned and I was laughing.

Dukie didn't look much better and I quickly reminded them that today was "Discipline Day". The day that they would have to make it up to Honoruru, Lamb, China, Baby and I for their sabotage efforts.

I had hooked up IV drips during the night for Lamb, Baby, Honoruru, China and I so we didn't have hangovers. Dukie and Princess were going to suffer and then some more as they made up for the Tree House Challenge sabotage.

Honoruru walked out with the covers of the casting couch and said "Phark you and here you go with the Dynamo" as she threw the washing detergent at the girls.

Baby came out with her boots and the polish and and said "Phark you cheaterers and polish these and then put them on my feet Dukie". China chimed in with "you can polish my boots too girls" laughing.

Lamb came out with her AK-47 and said "This kitchen looks like a brothel on half price night and get in their Princess and have a real go". The kitchen hadn't been cleaned for a week and the wok, frypans, BBQ plates, saucepans, oven, hotplates and everything were filthy. Lamb's job also extended to cleaning the fridge. She made sure that Dukie and Princess knew how filthy things were and what was expected. Lamb lifted her AK-47 and said "get going pharkers or we will hurt you" as let a dozen rounds go from the Kalishnikov.

Dukie and Princess were so hungover it made us laugh. They had enough to make them hurt but I couldn't resist. My job at the Tree House was to do everyone's washing. I had been saving it all week thinking someone was going to try sabotage at the race and would need to be punished. There were 16 loads that needed to be done.

Dukie and Princess now had enough washing, kitchen cleaning and boot polishing to last a week with that hangover.

I looked at Lamb and she gave me that sly wink. I knew it was time to make the move and the girls couldn't say no as they were in sooorious trouble.

"By the way" I said to Dukie and Princess, "we have another thing for you".

Lamb had made 2 Cher outfits and she pulled them out. "You pharkn pair have to wear these" she screached as she near pissed herself laughing.

We spent the rest of the day laughing our arses off as Dukie and Princess Leah walked up and down the back stairs doing the washing, cleaning the kitchen, polishing boots and Lambs AK-47 and making us coffee in the dreaded "Cher" outfits. We laid in the hammocks all day and just screamed orders.

Princess Leah and Dukie made us duck, prawns, vegetables in oyster sauce and noodles for dinner.

They fell into their hammocks for a sleep late at night.

That should stop their shenanigans for a little while.

Love you girls even though you are so naughty,

Lukie.

XXXX

The Chequered Flag

2008-02-15T21:32:00.007+10:00

It was early AM when I awoke and all were still sleeping. It had been raining buckets overnight and the roads around town were going to be as slippery as all hell. I called Bella to make sure she was aware that the Tree House Challenge was starting in a few hours. She was well aware and said the Gateway Bridge was already chocolate block with families coming into town to see the spectacle. I was worried that this would set all the coppers off but she said not to worry as they'd have Bargearse sitting down with a pizza or eight by the time we started. Rocky was in town with Bella making sure they were ready for pizza deliveries.

I walked downstairs to check the Volkswagen. I could hear a deep moaning coming from under the bushes and sure enough it was China Rhino. China had her rollerskates on sleeping under a tree. She still had a can of beer in each hand and was incredibly pissed. I put an intravenous drip in her arm to give her some quick fluids and left her to sleep. She had obviously stopped at every pub on her way.

The VW was looking good. I pulled out 100 litres of "rocket fuel" from the Labia that I had especially brewed and poured it into my the fuel tank. That'll phark 'em I thought.

Next up was Lamb and she looked like she'd had night on chocolate and coffee. Suitably pharked I thought. Honoruru, Dukie and Princess Leah were up at the same time, showered and jumped into their racing suits. Lamb was sooriously determined to wear her Cher outfit and we let her go. Baby was over with us and she had a grass skirt and bra top made of coconut shells and a racing helmet on. Why? I have no idea? These things just happen at the Tree House.

Bo and Luke Duke were here on time and waiting for us out the front.

When everyone was ready I went down and woke China up. I had managed to give her 2L of IV fluids and she was feeling super. She grabbed one of Lamb's megaphones.

"Righteo you lemons and Bo and Luke, lets get going with this show" she screamed. "The rules are you have to do three laps of town, the Ten Ways and the Tree House. The first person to cross the line at the Parallel Universe 3 times wins. I will be skating into town and will wave the chequered flag.Anything goes apart from those basic rules".

"Start your engines" she screamed. After that we had to wait as she shotgunned a can of beer.

We were all in a straight line for the start and I was revving the hell out of the VW. I could hear the ice cream van was in all sorts already as it coughed and spluttered. "Would you like nuts with that double cone, Lamb?" screamed Dukie as she taunted Lamb.

In retaliation Lamb pulled out her AK-47 and shot three holes in the Postie Van. "Watch your tyres Dukie" she said, clearly pissed off that she had to drive the ice cream van. Rules are rules Lamb.

"Ready, Set, Go" screamed China Rhino and we launched into action.

I took off like lightning and I had to hold the throttle back for fear of launching off the road sideways. I obviously had too much power. Bo and Luke were going to be hard to beat as they obviously had a good engine in the "General Lee". Dukie was going to be a tough opponent as she is a seriously talented driver and had hotted up the Postie Van. She was not so far off the pace. Baby was right on the money as well in her Torana. Princess Leah was further behind as that Rolls Royce was powerful but too heavy. Lamb and Honoruru were way off the pace and posed no threat.

It took us about 20 minutes to get to the edge of the jungle. Then another 3 minutes to the Parallel Universe where I crossed first. I heard Mav and Goose go over head. It was great that Mav and Goose had made it as with all the rain in Queensland we had heard that "Bhumphark" airport, the home of all gay naval aviators, was under water.

There were people lining the streets in town everywhere clapping and cheering us on. I was having a great time. WOO HOO!!

The second lap stayed the same with me leading, followed by Bo and Luke Duke, our Dukie, Baby, Princess Leah, Honoruru and then Lamb. On the second lap I noticed that China was already at the Parallel Universe. She was skating down the side of the road with a Corona in each hand.

On the third lap Dukie started making her move. She passed Bo and Luke and was coming for me. We were out the back of the jungle when I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed Dukie had sprung a leak. The Postie Van was losing oil out the back at a rapid rate.

This was going to make it dangerous for the rest of the cars and I wanted to pull over and tell Duke she'd have to stop and fix it or retire. I called Duke on the 2-way radio and she said she'd pull over and we'd fix it together.

Next thing I pulled over and Dukie kept going. What the phark? Dukie wanted to win at any cost. And this could not have been an oil leak- this was a deliberate spraying of oil from the back of the Postie Van. "That's it" I thought as Bo and Luke and Princess drove past. I was very shitty. I got on the 2 way and screamed "This is not the end of it Dukie, I know what you are up to". Princess Leah came straight over the 2-way with "Have no fear Dukie, I'm protecting your rear".
This pair were working together. Phark it.

"Baby, Bo, Luke, Honoruru and Lamb work with me. Dukie and Princess have been up to no good and we will need to stick together" I said over the 2-way.

I eventually caught up with everyone at the front but it was impossible to go very fast or overtake as their was oil everywhere. Phark knows what the EPA were going to do with us when they head about this mess. After 5 minutes of racing we were about to enter the "Ten Ways" when everyone suddenly slowed. It was school bus time and there were jungle natives all over the roads. Holy shit, how did this happen I thought to myself. Why hadn't we thought of this?

I could hear "Greensleaves" behind me and looked to see Lamb and Honoruru catching up. The field was well and truly even now. All the kids wanted ice cream but Lamb fired a dozen rounds of her AK-47 and they all stayed clear.

I knew I had about 5 minutes to get in front. But what to do? Just as we started to accelerate Bo and Luke Duke slid off in the General Lee into the bushes. Baby blew a tyre as we re-entered the bitumen from the mud but kept going slowly. Princess Leah was now second.

Lamb screamed through the megaphone "go phark those cricket selectors Lukie". I only had a few minutes left and how was I going to do this? They were up the front side by side and wouldn't let me in.

Suddenly Dukie and Princess Leah both ran off the side of the road. I went slowly past and saw the front windscreens of the Postie and Rollercoaster covered in hot pink paint. They couldn't see through it and had crashed.

I couldn't see what happened and their must have been snipers in the trees. It was the trademark hot pink of "The Flaming Lips" skirmish team.

Baby and I battled it to the finish line and Honoruru followed us past the chequered flag that China Rhino was battling to hold up with beers in each hand as well. Greensleaves was playing as Lamb rolled over the line.

We got out of our cars to mad applause as Bo and Luke came in on a rickshaw. Princess Leah and Dukie came next on some bicycles they had borrowed from some natives. They were looking very sheepish, whilst being pissed at the paint bombing that cost them victory.

Rocky ran down and said "hurry up and get inside as Bargearse is after you all".

We raced inside the Parallel Universe to more thundering applause.

We managed to drink the pub dry of 4064 Squadron beer and were moving onto the heavy stuff when the "Flaming Lips" walked in.They had their paintball guns on their shoulders.

The Flaming Lips were all cousins from the "Lips" family and they all had first names starting with the letter L. They all had red hair and only wore bright red uniforms and used pink paint and we called them the "Flaming Lips".This mix of colour always made them look like they were surrounded by fire. The refused to use bullets but instead used paint as their weapon.

"Loose" is the leader of the gang and she walked up and said "Lukie Skywalker I owed you one and that is it- the favour is now returned".

I looked at Loose Lips and nodded that I understood. Last year I had saved the Lips from the Brisbane City Council accusation after a graffiti mob had only used pink paint and tried to have it pinned on the Lips. It was a serious offence and Bargearse had wanted to put them in gaol. Honoruru and I dealt with it via bribery and corruption as you have to look after the sisters in the jungle.

We managed to stay at the Parallel Universe until the following morning. We were absolutely slaughtered as everyone was buying us drinks. At some point Loose Lips walked up to me and said "I love you long time soldier boy". I said "oakley doakley" and grabbed the girls and raced outside to the Postie Van. It was time to leave when chicks start drunk talking like that out of the blue. Bella had organised one of the natives to come in and drive us home. We were laughing at Lamb's bullet holes whilst we stopped and got some kebabs with garlic sauce and tabbouleh.

Then home to the Tree House. China Rhino was passed out with her skates on and we didn't have to blindfold her as she wasnt seeing anything on the way home. We left her in the Postie Van whilst we slept in the hammocks upstairs and Honoruru went back to her Casting Couch. She asked if she could steal the "Me love you long time soldier boy" line and we went to sleep with her practicing that to the ghost.

Goodnight girls. May we have sufficient morphine to knock those hangovers out in the morning.

Lukie

XXX

Thankyou

2008-02-15T09:47:00.001+10:00

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-14T20:30:00.003+10:00

I had been out all day in Newcastle doing some training for defence force personnel on using Tree House technologies. They were particularly interested in how our technology could be used for environmentally sustainable bombing and rifle range management. All morning I was running a training course with the sound of rifles firing in the background. It was something I was used to working with in the jungle warfare that is Brisvegas.

I had a late flight last night out and home late tonight. Princess Leah picked me up from "The D's" in town in the Mini Pantser. The D's is a famous recreational spot on the other side of town and I was working with one of the D's down south and caught a plane and then a lift home to their house.

When Princess Leah picked me up she said "you should the Tree House". I couldn't get any further details out of her but what I arrived home too was spectacular.

Chicks who had spent time on the "Casting Couch" had sent roses and chocolates to Honoruru knowing that she was still staying with us. Apparently rickshaws had been turning up all day. There was a mountain of roses and chocolates left at the "Ten Ways" that the local villagers had been bringing to us all day. Dukie had also taken the Postie Van out and collected a few loads as well.

I turned up with a meager box of chocolates from Newcastle airport for the Princess as she has been my Princess Leah and I was her Lukie Skywalker from the time we were kids. The woman at the shop counter had assumed that I needed something for my man but I was eager to educate her that I am Lukie Skywalker and I have a need for present for the Princess. She didn't quite understand but as if I care.

Dukie, Lamb, Princess and Honoruru got stuck into the chocolates and I made them a coffee from our new coffee machine that Adam Ant had given us. I think they had been on the chocolate all afternoon and had way too much sugar. They were busy running around the backyard naked with guns and shit when I went into my hammock to sleep.

Tomorrow is a mother of a day with the Tree House Challenge and this is exactly what I need. A good sleep for me and all of the rest of them coming off a sugar high, unable to sleep and no focus. I will win this.

Goodnight Girls you are my valentines,

Lukie

XXXXXX

Lamb Gets Back Into Form

2008-02-12T19:05:00.000+10:00

I returned to the Tree House this afternoon to the sight of the deck full of rolls of "Glad Wrap" and the sound of an AK-47 going off in the back yard. Lamb had decided she needed to get back in to form with the cricket bat. I had suggested that Don Bradman had used a cricket stump and golf ball on a piece of corrugated iron and Lamb should be doing the same.

Of course this kind of sensible advice was never going to be taken soooriously and Lamb had asked Princess Leah to teach her how to catch bullets with Glad Wrap like Princess had done the night before in the kitchen.

There was no body armour being used and Princess was spraying bullets straight at Lamb who was holding a roll of plastic lunch wrap in her hand swatting the bullets away like flies.This would let Lamb face the fastest bowling without a worry.

Lamb had taken three bullets in her torso and their was blood everywhere. I was horrified at the sight and screamed "Lamb, let's get you to the pharkn hospital for gods sake".

Dukie was sitting in her hammock unnoticed until then. She had been watching and laughing hysterically apparently. I turned to Dukie and let spray with a mouthful of language. I couldn't believe an intelligent woman like Duke would sit and watch this. Dukie was unphased by my spray and said that she had no intention of spoiling anyone's fun and in any case I was a Doctor and would clean them up if I had too. Pharkn hell, am I the only responsible one at the Tree House? I have a PhD in chemistry and that hardly qualifies me to fix broken women. Well I am a doctor and I will take a look at it if it's broken.

At the bottom of the yard was a heap of melted plastic wrap. I asked Dukie what had happened and she said the girls initially thought they'd test Lamb's skills with Princess Leah using the flamethrower instead of the AK-47. Holy shit it was a wonder Lamb wasn't burnt to a crisp. To use plastic wrap as a defence against a flamethrower is spectacularly stupid.

I called everyone in and told them to get into the tub. Before I could let Lamb in I had to give her 69 stitches to her wounds. I used a general anaesthetic in the form of Chambord and Lemonade and Lamb was out like a light.

I cooked a few pizzas for dinner and we sat down on the back deck to eat. Just as we were finishing Honoruru turned up looking like she'd had 300 scotch and Cokes. She told us she had been at the Parallel Universe and that was pretty obvious actually. At first I was pissed off as I thought she had driven but apparently a taxi had dropped her off at the "Ten Ways" and one of local villagers had picked her up in a Rickshaw and dropped her off at the Tree House. The rickshaw fare for us was free but Honoruru generally gave the local villagers $1000 (AUD) worth of drugs and bandages that she secured from drug companies every time she came over. Honoruru's reach into corporate charity was legendary.

At the Parallel Universe Honoruru had run into Bella who gave her some very important information. Bella had been trying to get hold of us on the Telegraph Cucumber but that had been shot to bits as Lamb had used that as her first "cricket bat". We'd have to get a new one tomorrow.

Apparently Bella had said that James Bond and Macgyver had left and Bargearse had taken up eating Pizza again. Honoruru was here to say that we could start with the preparations for the Tree House Challenge.

Oh phark, I just had everyone settled in for the night. There was no way Honoruru would be right to drive tomorrow AM and we owed it to her to give her time to get the Vintage Car ready for the race.

I called Sally Duke and told her to get Luke and Bo and the "General Lee" ready for start in 2 days time. They were over near the Redneck Trading Post and they would take a few hours to get here anyway.

China Rhino answered as soon as I called. I told her to be over at the Tree House to let off the starter gun in 2 days time. She was going to start skating now as it might take her some time. When China came over to see us she had a few beers at every bar on the way and it always took her a day or two. I told her she could probably get a lift with Adam Ant but she said "that is for pussies Lukie". Well that is what we like China, and which bit did you miss? Anyway she missed it all being pure and angelic that she is and she said she'd throw a $100 note in her bra and a $100 in her fishnets "in case" and start heading over tonight.

I had to get Matt and Adam to look after the VW engine transplant tomorrow. Lamb would have to let some wounds heal slightly at least. Princess Leah was right in the "Rollercoaster".

Our Duke was laughing as she knew the Postie Van was ready. We had finally talked Dukie into the fact she needed to wear a hard helmet for the race. She still had her glasses but at least a helmet would save her precious scone if she had a stack.

Lamb grabbed her Chambord and hobbled downstairs. Dukie took off after her to play with the Postie Van. Princess Leah went and slept in the Rollercoaster with her flame thrower for protection. I wasn't going anywhere as I was waiting for Matt and Adam to do the work on the VW.

Honoruru went out to the Casting Couch and starting chatting up some glamorous chick we called "The Ghost". "Aaah ra ra ra, I want to make love to you like a Banshee" she said in her sleep. When she was off her tits she always practiced her lines in her sleep.

Goodnight girls wherever you may fall,

Lukie

XXXXX

Rollerderby Rocker

2008-02-11T18:25:00.000+10:00

"What a pharkn day" screamed the Princess as she entered the Tree House. Dukie just looked up and smiled that secret "very much big havoc" smile. They must be up to something, I thought. Princess Leah still had her tool belt on and that meant trouble.

Whatever it was I knew that they hadn't been near the VW as I had that under lock and key. I also had brewed some very explosive fuel just for my engine out in the Labia. I was hoping they had been under the hood of the ice cream machine and were pharking Lamb's chances of winning the Tree House Challenge.

We still didn't have a kick-off time and the longer these girls left it the more of a chance I had of preparing the VW and winning. China also was trying to convince us she should be allowed in the race on her skates but we told her she could start the race and then skate into town and wave the chequered flag. Skating through the jungle with 6 cars out of control on the roads was not an option. She is the meanest woman on 8 wheels but we didn't need an accident that would hurt her.

I had been gardening all day yesterday, followed by some soorious roller derby training with China Rhino and Princess Leah. I couldn't participate much as I had something wrong with my head that was affecting my balance but Princess Leah and China Rhino were having some significant biffs out on the track. It showed today as Princess Leah was black and blue from head to toe and having some major issues moving. Investment in a new outfit was also required as China had spent most of the session trying to rip her Princess robes off.

Just as Princess was cooking us some lasagna for dinner Lamb walked in and gave us a spray about something or other. Lamb sounded sooriously angry.

Princess stopped cooking and said "son of a motherless goat, pharkn bejesus Lamb". I was ignoring it all when Lamb pulled out her AK-47 and let spray in the kitchen. Dukie raced in and jumped on top of Lamb and stopped the firing. Princess had managed to collect every bullet in a roll of "Glad Wrap". Princess has the reflexes of a cat and there wasn't a bullet hole to be seen. The Glad Wrap was smoking!!

I couldn't stop laughing as Princess said "that was so pharkn cool, can we do it again please Lamb?".

It turned out Lamb had left the safety catch off the AK-47 and it was a dangerous mistake as she only wanted to threaten the Princess. We sat Lamb down and she explained that she had heard from Bella that Princess Leah and Duke had organised a twenty20 cricket match in town and had selected chicks from the "Fanny Pack" to open the batting and bowling. These were usually Lamb's positions but she hadn't been playing so well lately so the girls wanted some new talent. I could understand it as everywhere in Australian cricket there was the call for new talent. We had sponsors to think of and in trying to sell the rights to international TV we needed the best and fastest. Princess Leah and Duke were only doing their jobs as cricket selectors to look after all the stakeholders.

After we poured Lamb a big Chambord she settled down and could see what was happening and why. We sat down and had dinner on the back deck and discussed what we'd do to get Lamb back into top form.

We put the AK-47 to bed and Lamb with it. We hopped into our hammocks and let the cool breeze whip through the Tree House. This was a welcome relief after the last few weeks of hot and still nights.

Goodnight girls,

Lukie

XXXXX

The Valley of Happiness

2008-02-10T15:34:00.000+10:00

"Pharkn phark phark pharkn phark" I screamed as I entered the Tree House from the front steps."I am so happy. It is like I live in the valley of happiness right now" I continued.

Princess Leah looked at me and smiled that very wicked little smile. Princess knows that I am a chemist by trade and I understand chemical reactions but this is one I have no idea about. It is like I have about 7 trillion extra serotonin explosions happening in my brain every second.And that is really good because my serotonin levels are generally soooriously low.

Dukie walked out and said "what is all that swearing about Lukie?". I told her I was just feeling very happy right now. This is a massive change from where Ive been in the last few weeks and she understands how big a deal this is for me.

"Well good for pharkn you!" she shouted over the top of Ben Lee belting out something about being in love from his "Awake is the New Sleep" album.

Dukie and Princess Leah had invited Baby to be in the Tree House Challenge. This was cool with me although we'd probably have to pull it up there as I knew there was one special guest coming and then we'd have a full field. Apparently Dukie and Princess Leah had found another car and desperately wanted it to be in the race so they bought it home. The car they found was a Torana SLR 5000. All hotted up and ready to go. These are collectors items now and once again, the trick is don't ask where they got it from or how.

We heard that MacGyver and James Bond were still in town looking for us and Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard was here as well. Boss Hogg didn't pose any threat to us. A couple of weeks ago we had Daisy given to us with our still from over at the Redneck Trading Post. We didn't realise it but she is actually Daisy Duke. She had sent an email over to Bo and Luke and they had come over for the race as well. This years race is going to be bigger than ever.

I raced downstairs and started to get my stuff ready for the big race. I knew Dukie and Princess Leah would be calling the race start when they felt they were ready but I was pumped up and wanted to win. I had bought everyone new helmets this year on the web and I put mine on whilst I worked on the VW. I wanted to get into the mood.

Dukie won't wear a helmet as she will have her usual aviator helmet and glasses on. She truly has no fear.

I looked at the VW and decided that tomorrow Matt and Adam would be at the Tree House and we'd kick arse putting a new engine in the VW whilst we were supposed to be working on IT stuff.

Wake Up

2008-02-10T15:18:00.000+10:00

Vegetation Management

2008-02-09T13:18:00.001+10:00

I told Princess, China Rhino and Dukie that I would leave the starting time for the Tree House Challenge to them. I have alot of business stuff on and I am finding it very difficult to get my head around everything. They agreed to look after it and give us 3 hrs notice before they wanted to start. After that we'd get Bella on the Cucumber and she'd put the word out on the street that the race was on. That was enough time for everyone in town as they all knew that it would be sometime soon. The word from Bella and China was that the whole of Brisbane was in a holding pattern and that commerce was suffering as a result of the Tree House being so quiet. The Queenslanders were so enthralled with the Tree House and our adventures that there was even talk on the streets they wanted us to set up a new political party.

China Rhino had agreed to be the race starter at the Tree House. After that she'd skate into the Parallel Universe and wave the chequered flag as we crossed the finishing line a few hours later. We owed China this much as she was proving invaluable in relaying information she hacked from the government system.

In the meantime, Dukie and Princess Leah promised that they would respect the fact that I was busy and they would not try and phark with the VW. I didn't believe for a second that they would stick to their promise and I knew I’d get half way to the chequered flag and the VW would fall to bits but I didn’t really care.

I hadn't seen much of Dukie and Princess Leah for the last few days as they were busy cruising through the jungle in the Rolls. I had to laugh every time I went downstairs and there were 10 local native kids in the backseat. The girls had dubbed the car the "Rollercoaster" and the kids thought it was as good as anything they had heard about down at Dreamworld or Movie World. The jungle was one big “Fun Park” with Dukie and Princess Leah together.

I had the Tree House to myself as Lamb was out training and Dukie and Princess Leah were out causing "very big much havoc" as the locals called that pair together.

Whilst this was happening I put on "Lucinda Williams" (Four wheels on a Gravel Road) some Bright Eyes" (Cassadaga), Martha Wainwright, Rufus Wainwright and Bonnie Prince Billy for a few hours.

I had asked Princess just to make sure she was home in time to do some flame throwing as with all of the rain the jungle around the Tree House was completely out of control. Some of the local animals, Bruce and Fabio in particular, were having trouble as their habitats had been overrun with vines.

Our resident lion is called "Bruce Cunnilingus". Bruce roams the jungle at night. He comes home to the Tree House when he is too stoned to make it anywhere else. He is addicted to the Rosemary round the corner and up the road and most nights wanders out to the back deck completely off his chops. "Lukie" , he says, "is it possible that you give me some raw fish as I'm so hungry I could eat the fork out of a lesbian". This is how got his name as Bruce Cunnilingus as he says this every time he comes around.

"Fabio" is the wild dog that had both his brain and his testicles removed at the same time by one of the animal keepers at the local tribes. This operation made him slightly less aggressive but incredibly “much more stupider” as Duke’s friend Baby claims. In removing his brain, they had to cut the top of his head off and when they put it back on they put the wrong head on. They accidentally put the head of one of the drag queens from the Parallel Universe back on his body. A little blonde toupe was now on the head of a pharkn dog. Don’t ask me what the head of a drag queen was doing at a tribal vets.

It is late in the afternoon at the Tree House and Princess Leah and I are getting ready to get the FlameThrower out. Dukie just ran up the stairs and said “Ive fixed it up so we can do it from the Pantser as well”.

“Phark me” said Princess Leah as she inspected what Dukie had done.

Im taking the handheld version and Dukie and Princess Leah can have the Pantser and off we head. Lamb has us booked in to a Thai Restaurant tonight and we better get this defoliation done before we head out for dinner.

China Rhino

2008-02-07T16:27:00.000+10:00

Great day today. I had been in a suit with some clients from the northern jungles of Queensland and the government all morning making some spectacular moves on having Tree House technologies used by all the government agencies in Qld. Adam Ant and I received the Carbon model from South Australia and he was busy wrapping his huge brain around it, and I baked scones in the afternoon in between firing off emails to all our clients. Matt,another Tree House soldier, had a big win with making some complex piece of code do what it was supposed too.

The wonderful Matt, Adam and I sat out the back in the steamy heat and had coffee and scones whilst watching the "Ben Harper Live at the Hollywood Bowl" DVD. We laughed that in town people were sitting in air conditioned offices bitching and whining all day whilst we were sitting here having some low blood pressure.

The Telegraph Cucumber was going off all afternoon. Finally Princess Leah came home from work and answered it. Thank god for that as I was too busy and not in the mood. "Yes,hello, by jesus I'll give you a spanking Bella if this call isn't 100%, totally pharking necessary you bitch" said the Princess.

I looked at the Princess and smiled. She didn't particularly love Bella's dramatisation of every single issue. Princess just wanted to fight when she had too and shag the rest of the time. And now she had a "shaggn wagn" Rolls Royce you could be guaranteed that would be all of the time.

Bella said "for your information Princess I think this is very important and pertinent to your efforts to stay out of reach of the long arm of the law".

I zoned out but the conversation went on for 15 minutes or so. Then Princess put the Cucumber down and said "The race will have to be put off Lukie". I couldn't believe it although I must say I didn't really care as I was so busy.

"Bargearse at the "Valley" has been calling in all his reserve forces as he knows the Tree House Challenge is on this weekend" she said. Bargearse is the local police captain. He is pretty easy to get sidetracked as we just give him food. Last time we had the race we had Rocky drive a "Pizza Hut" van to the police station and delivered 24 family size ham and pineapple pizzas. There are only 3 fat bastards there and they ate the whole lot. Took them 3 hrs that the race was on and by the time they walked out to see what all the noise was we had passed the winning post and were inside hiding.

But this time it would be different as Bargearse was on "Weight Watchers" with specific intention off staying off pizza long enough to catch the Tree Housers.

Apparently Bargearse had called in a heap of other coppers. He also had MacGyver and James Bond working for him as well apparently.

James Bond was supposed to be trying to find us in the jungle. Well we didn't care as not only did we have Bella looking after us but we had picked up China Rhino as our insider in government. China is the hottest chick on 8 wheels. China is an interior designer by trade and she decked out the Tree House when we first built it. We don't really like the hot pink shower. China never walks anywhere but has a pair of rollerskates permanently attached to her feet- even in the shower. China does alot of work for various government agencies and she knows how to get into police databases. China also cooks every night for Adam Ant and I think this is how he gets his technological knowledge. "You are big boy soldier, and I look after you" is her greeting every night to him as she skates to the front door to give him a beer and then skates back to continue cooking him dinner.

Anyway back to the story.

After this information from Bella and China we have decided we'll leave the race for a time that we WILL NOT ADVERTISE on this blog. China Rhino will keep her eye on the police and we will spring a surprise. We will also sober up enough to drive I think. We won't be doing that if China Rhino keeps coming around to the Tree House.

Goodnight China and Adam Ant and thanks for coming to the Tree House for dinner,

Dr Lukie and Princess.

XXXXXX

The Big Race Preparations

2008-02-06T20:27:00.000+10:00

WOO HOO!!

Today was going to be a big day for the Tree Housers. The annual "Tree House Challenge" was on tomorrow and everyone was pumped. The Tree House Challenge is a race where all of the Tree Housers draw straws to choose vehicles.

Once you have your vehicle you are allowed to do anything to it within 24 hrs to make it go faster. Any sabotage of other vehicles will result in a public spanking on the deck at sunset. This is only if you get caught though.

After 24 hrs we head to the starting line at the front of the Tree House.

We then have a circuit round the "Ten Ways" and through town to the Parallel Universe. We have to do 3 laps of this, whilst evading any officers of the law and then we finish with a chequered flag at the Parallel Universe.

Dukie and Princess Leah had been tasked with finding the vehicles as per their job descriptions as "Transport Commanders". They decided we'd use Miss Whippy, Postie and we'd find another three to add to our collection.

We let Honoruru go first. She pulled out a stick with VINTAGE on it. Princess Leah and Dukie looked at each other and then fell over laughing. I hate it when they do this. They jumped up and ran off holding hands into the shed. They returned with Lt Honoruru's car. I had to have a laugh at this.

Next I drew a straw from the bunch. It had "Transporter" on it. Princess Leah and Dukie fell over laughing again and then jumped up, grabbed hands and ran back into the shed. Out they drove my Volkswagen. How fast was this going to go? Honestly?

Next thing Lamb drew a straw and got "Miss Whippy". That was a heap of shit and so I was happy as I'd beat Lamb easily. "Oh soooriously" said Lamb, "how am I gonna win this year if I have to drive the pharkn ice cream machine?". Lamb won last year in a boat. It had been raining for forty days and forty nights and when the girls got a boat they thought someone would be royally pharked but Lamb won in it. In fact she was the only one who went anywhere.

Then Princess Leah drew a straw. She got one that said "ROLLER". Princess and Dukie really fell into a heap laughing. They didn't get up for 15 minutes. When they did they grabbed hands and ran into the shed. The shed doors opened slowly and gracefully and out rolled the most gorgeous Rolls Royce Silver Wraith.

Princess was sitting up in the drivers seat looking like she owned the world. Out she got with "I absolutely adore you Lukie,Im going to stick it to you. Give you a total rodgering" in her best British accent. I just admired her eyes and told her to take a hike with all that sexy talk.

Princess Leah and Dukie walked us around the Rolls and told us that from now on this was to be the Tree House "shaggin wagin". Princess Leah said "look we can phark in the back seat as it is so big". Apparently they bought it from some crazy lesbian who drove it every month across the Nullabor from Perth to Brisbane hauling a trailer full of toys. I don't think it was Tonka Toys she was hauling either. I'd heard about this blackmarket toy business and god knows how Dukie and Princess found the infamous car that did it all. Anyway, as usual, we will not ask.

That left Dukie to drive the Postie Van. She'd look hot in her leathers and aviator helmet with in the Postie Van.

Well now we had our vehicles and all we had to do was spend the next 24 hrs souping them up and making sure that dastardly Dukie or Princess Leah didn't get to them and we'd be right.

Let the games begin.

Goodnight girls

Lukie

XXX

Are you the one?

2008-02-05T21:07:00.000+10:00

Our Fine Fingered Friend

2008-02-05T13:17:00.000+10:00

Our fine fingered friend, Honoruru, was being honoured tonight and I was busy finalising last minute preparations.

Captain Bligh, Premier of the Republic of Queensland, was so impressed with Honoruru's work in negotiating a win-win solution for the Pantser infrastructure damage that she wanted a special award for Honoruru. The Tree Housers had the key to the city but she wanted something special just for Lieutenant Honoruru as she is really the one that keeps us all solvent and manages the administration side of the 4064 Squadron.

I went in to Brisvegas and negotiated with the bureaucracy what I thought was a suitable honour. We agreed we'd take over the top floor of the Museum of Contemporary Art and make it "Honoruru's Calcurator Museum".

I knew she would piss her pants when she saw it. I hadn't told any of the other girls what was happening so it was going to be a massive surprise for everyone.

I had taken the day off from my leisurely pursuits of thinking and talking shit and was busy supervising the whole show. Occasionally I was called in to do some real work like lifting tables and chairs and filling water jugs. After I had said "I have a PhD you know" about 30 times people stopped asking for help.

I also learnt that in order to get what I really wanted I had to say "its just a suggestion" to give people a bit of ownership and let them decide if they wanted to take on my idea. I thought I'd probably take this one back to the Tree House and abbreviate it to "JAS".

At about 4PM I called the girls and said "Honoruru is in town tonight and please race over to the Stamford Plaza and pick her up and bring her to the MCA as I have booked us a table for dinner." They all thought Id been working in town all day.

Princess Leah was only on her second day back at work and she was shitty at the idea of coming out of the jungle but I said "It's just a suggestion, honey". She said "Oh, ok Lukie, I'll bring us in in the Postie Van". See it works. Ha. I'd have to be careful I didn't use that too often or in cases where people might think I was being manipulative. I have too much respect for these girls.

Captain Bligh turned up with about 100 people from parliament, Treasury, the Departments of Finance, Trade and Innovation, State Development, Local Government, Community Services and Jungle Aid and Brewing. Queensland is the only state to have a "Department of Brewing" as we cut so much piss up here in the tropical heat.

All of these departments were grateful to Honoruru in one way or another for work she had done in the past. I knew that the bastards from brewing were only here to make sure that Honoruru's vision with the 4064 Squadron brewery was fulfilled. One of the ways the Department of Brewing raise revenue is through beer royalties. Honoruru had developed the only beer in the world that was guaranteed to not dehydrate you whilst getting you "right royally off your tits", as it claimed. It was also infused with a 4064 Squadron patented enzyme that inhibited the activity of alcohol dehydrogenase so it prevented the alcohol from being turned into aldehyde , or poison, in your liver.

In short, it was the only beer that you could drink for the rest of your life in the jungle with no side effects, no dehydration and it would save millions of dollars in health care costs as well for alcoholic diseases. It was guaranteed to take over the world market for beer and the pharkn Govt wanted their slice.

All of the Tree Housers arrived. I forgot to tell them to dress for dinner and they had their usual jungle outfits on. Oh phark- who cares what we look like?

Captain Bligh gave this magnificent speech about the value of Honoruru in keeping the Tree Housers under control, whilst at the same time providing so much revenue for the republic.

She then asked one of the Tree Housers to give a talk. I stood up to move forward but phark me if that little jungle bikini didn't beat me to it.

"Well I'd like to say that Pharkn Lt Honoruru is one of the funniest pharkn C**ts I've pharkn met" said Princess Leah. At this point I started to melt into my seat. I was trying to crawl away when she continued "and for all you revenue raising pariahs that just love her for money making skills, we love her for heart and she's a top pharkn bird. "

"And Honoruru you can keep control of that casting couch at the Tree House for as long as you want. We pharkn love you" Princess Leah continued.

I couldn't believe it but Captain Bligh stood up and gave both Honoruru and Princess Leah a kiss and a hug and they had their photos taken together.

Captain Bligh said "she's been working with tradesmen all her life so I hear" and then started laughing again.

Anyway Honoruru and Captain Bligh opened up the "Honorary Honoruru Calcurator Museum". I swore Honoruru started crying as she cut the red ribbon with Captain Bligh.

Then we all walked in and had a look at some of the calcurators. Everything from the first Chinese abacus (donated by the Chinese government) to "Deep Blue" were on show. Deep Blue is the computer used against chess Champion Garry Kasparov years ago to see if a computer could beat a human chess champion and it was donated by IBM. I couldn't believe we'd pulled all this together in a few days but everyone around the world loves Lt Honoruru.

The first calcurator was an ancient Chinese Abacus. Soooo cool. Honoruru used one of these when she was Professor of Financial Administration at Beijing University. Cool Honoruru!!

This old Olivetti was something Honoruru used when she was Treasurer of Australia a few years ago. Can you believe you she used to calculate the Current Account Deficit on this?

This LED display (below) was originally used by Honoruru to display share prices directly from her calculator to punters outside the Stock Exchange. Honoruru manually estimated share prices based on supply and demand for all companies listed on the Stock Exchange in Australia.

The IBM Mainframe below is what Honoruru does the Tree House accounts on now. She says she needs it for the complex web of entities and trusts we run. I donated this to the museum and we'll get a new and bigger one soon.

After the museum opening we dropped Honoruru off at the Stamford Plaza and had a few cocktails overlooking the Mighty River. Honoruru had to fly out to Melbourne early so she was staying in town and not out at the Tree House.

We all drove back to the Tree House in the Postie van. Tomorrow would be another big day at the Tree House.

Princess goes back to work

2008-02-04T17:20:00.000+10:00

"Pharkn phark phark phark, pharkn phark" screeched Princess Leah from her little hammock at 5.30AM. She was sooriously happy to be going back into the Tropical jungle to do some vegetation management.

I told her to get outta her hammock and get moving as she couldn't lay around thinking all day- that is my job.

She let spray with some of those newly invented swear words. I told her it was allright as she had been working with tradesmen all her life and I understood. Phark I love her.

Princess Leah got up and ironed her jungle bikini and put on her boots and had some breakfast. Dukie and Lamb were still sleeping waiting for their arms to heal from moving all the Higgins insulation. They still had another day of putting this in the roof.

It was so nice that Princess made me a cup of tea before she left. She is more than slightly deluded in thinking that I would have found that enough to get out of bed and start work at 6AM. I had some anyway and then rolled over and started that dream again.

Lamb and Dukie eventually got out of their hammocks and started moving the insulation up to the roof. They were very happy to be doing it together and so I just left them to it.

I worked all day on the integration of some Carbon models into our Tree House technologies whilst starting some new sales. "Adam Ant" is our Chief Technology Officer for the Tree House and he was over working to make sure that our optical fibre cable was pumping electrons at the correct rate. Adam Ant got the name because he is only 6ft tall (and alot more actually). He also is a partner in Tree House Technologies because he has a brain that defies description. He can do anything- including make great coffee.

We discussed the commercialisation of the C model from one of our partners with a group in Sydney and we knew we were onto a winner. It was a huge day with Adam Ant also doing more work on the spatial capabilities for our defence work. If only we stopped to think about how well we were doing and how clever we were instead of the constant fight to survive with cashflow. We will make it.

Lamb was in at engineering work after finishing the insulation installation in the roof and Dukie took the truck back to Higgins.

Everyone is working so hard and it is even more difficult as the jungle is one big wet thick mess at this time of the year. At least I love this jungle heat and humidity. Sometimes it makes it hard to keep your pants on when you're this wet but I am just managing it.

Princess came home in her vehicle, a 4WD that we use as the Pantser training vehicle. I have been doing a bit of driving lately and I am sure that the girls will let me drive the Pantser in a real battle soon.

Anyway when Princess came home she saw Adam Ant and I in a deep conversation saving the world and took off to get some food. She went out with the rifle we got with the still and came back with a pig and a 6-pack of Corona. "Pork for dinner, Lukie. Do you want to stay for dinner Adam Ant?" she screamed as she dragged a bleeding, squealing pig through the Tree House. Another shot went off on the deck and I knew the pig was dead and we'd be having pork chops for dinner. It wasn't suprising that Adam Ant didn't want to stay. A heap of lesbians is one thing for a man. A heap of lesbians with firearms and dead pigs is another. Adam Ant said "Princess you need to be on the Bacon Busters calendar we get every year".

We have the Bacon Busters calendar on the back of the toilet door and it is feral. Princess Leah is much too classy , intelligent and gorgeous for that but the joke was funny.

Adam Ant left and Lamb and Dukie arrived home.

We sat around and planned for the BBQ in a few days when Honoruru was turning up and listened to some very old "Counting Crows" music and then had showers and turned into the hammocks for the night.

I just love this jungle heat and humidity. The air was so still and we had no breeze at all. It is like living in soup at this time of the year. I might have to take my pants off .

"Who wants to do the horizontal sack race" I screamed laughing to myself.

Goodnight Girls,

Lukie

XXX

We live in our own insulated world

2008-02-03T16:07:00.000+10:00

Princess Leah and I went to Park Road for breakfast. Princess and I talked about what we would do with the Tree House being so hot every morning. I didn't really care as I loved the jungle heat but she thought we should get some air conditioning- even just for guests that weren't accustomed to the jungle heat. The bloody thing was so high up and so open it had natural air conditioning and was designed especially for this climate.

I didn't want to argue with her but the last thing I could be pharked doing was worrying about that sort of thing. It was ridiculous that she was entertaining the idea of air conditioning when we would burn through more biodiesel and ethanol in the generator and we'd have to offset with some form of carbon sequestration. It was just another complexity to add to the Tree House.

Lamb and Dukie were at home making apple strudel, cheesecakes and citrus tarts for one of the local school fund raisers. Lamb had only just returned from being away for a few days. Dukie was teaching her some trick with baked cheesecakes that she had learnt whilst she was working as a pastry chef in the kitchens of the English royal family a few years before we rescued her. Apparently after six months working there the Queen had asked who was responsible for the lemon tart and of course it was Aussie Duke. Anyway she still makes one batch a year to send to Queen Elizabeth for her birthday.

When we got home from breakfast,Princess Leah and Dukie went out in the uterus to take Daisy and Betty Joe home to the Redneck Trading Post (RTP). I knew we'd catch up with those girls later and wished them luck as they were blindfolded for their journey home.

Honoruru was getting a lift to the ten ways and she'd be heading back into the big smoke to look after some finance stuff for us.

Lamb was busy downstairs drawing up some "specs" for the new still.

I headed inside for another cup of tea and put Wilco "Sky Blue Sky" on at full volume whilst I did a spot of cleaning. "White Light" came on and I sat down and enjoyed it. I'd have to be back at work tomorrow and I just wanted to relax on a Sunday afternoon. Maybe I'd go for a ride as well.

I cleaned for a few hours and started reading Clarissa Dixon Wright's autobiography. Princess and I had picked it up at "Coaldrakes" on Park Rd that morning.

Lamb and I had a coffee and lunch together. We had some of Dukie's lemon tart and it was absolutely stunning as usual.

I told Lamb about Princess Leah's idea of getting air conditioning in the Tree House. She didn't think it would work as the house had too much natural ventilation where we had missing doors and floor boards and other bits. We had built it in a hurry trying to escape the city and the law and we always said we'd finish it but of course we hadn't.

Later that afternoon I was having a Gin and Tonic and Lamb was in the hot tub with a Chambord when we heard a "beep beep beep" like a truck reversing. I couldn't believe it but I looked down and here was Princess Leah in the uterus. Dukie was driving a truck that had "Higgins Insulation" written on the side of it.

I raced downstairs and asked what was going on.

Dukie said that Princess Leah was discussing with all of the girls the need for air conditioning at the Tree House on the way to RTP that morning. Dukie said that it was the wrong way to go as we had to find efficiencies in energy management-not burn more energy and then try and offset it. Betty Joe and Daisy said they knew some people at a company in Brisbane that were fine and treated people real well and so they talked it through.

The girls took back Betty Joe and Daisy via Higgins Insulation and they introduced Princess Leah and Dukie. Dukie started on with this spiel about how insulation was such a good thing as now we were signatories to the Kyoto Protocol we had to find efficiencies and greenhouse gas abatement measures as opposed to offsetting emissions after using air conditioning. In a country like Australia offsetting our emissions with C sequestration meant a heavy reliance on water to grow trees. We just didn't have enough water to feed and cloth ourselves and export and still grow all the trees. Before we knew it they had offered us a load of insulation on a trial basis as long as Dukie would spread that wisdom throughout the jungle.

And they let Dukie and Princess take the truck to get it all back to the Tree House as long as they returned it the next day.

I was proud of Dukie and the way she was thinking about this global problem but acting on a local scale. If everyone thought like Dukie it would be a much better world.

So Lamb and I downed our drinks and started helping to unload all of this insulation. It took us hours.

Princess Leah came upstairs and started cooking us Lamb Souvlaki for dinner. We do love lamb.

We listened to Billy Bragg on the stereo and then had a hot tub and fell into our hammocks. All that moving stuff had us beaten. Another big day for the Tree House and it would get bigger tomorrow as we had to lift all this stuff to the roof. The girls would take the truck back first thing as well.

Goodnight my environmental warriors.

Love always,

Lukie

XXXX

Redneck Trading Post

2008-02-02T14:11:00.000+10:00

I could hear Dukie's uterus pull in under the Tree House and I knew that the girls were back. They had been out overnight and all day.

As to what they had been up to I wasn't sure.

Princess Leah ran up the stairs and gave me a quick kiss. I knew that she had been up to something as she walked me away from the stairs and towards the front of the house. Obviously there was something that I wasn't allowed to see. I could also hear that there were more voices than Dukie and Honoruru but I couldn't work out who it was.

Princess made me a cup of tea and we sat down in the front of the Tree House and watched the late afternoon sun. After she was sure I was happy she said "I am just going down to help Duke and Honoruru clean out the uterus".

I could hear lots of heavy lifting going on downstairs and there were a few spanners being thrown with some of Princess' newly invented swear words leaking out. Honoruru told Princess to keep her language down and Princess replied "Ive been working with tradesmen all my life Honoruru". That was the standard excuse.

After two hours of listening to the carrying's on down below Princess Leah and Dukie came running up the stairs. "Hey lukie we have a present for you" screamed Duke. I walked down and there was the most beautiful new stainless steel still under the Tree House. I was absolutely amazed at the size and I knew we'd be getting 2L an hour of pure spirit from this baby. Being all stainless it would be easier to clean and it even had a digital thermometer for more accurate distilling.

"Where did you get this baby from?" I asked incredulously.

"We bought it from the Redneck Trading Post?" said Duke. Obviously the girls hadn't been at Camp Camp at all but were over at RTP sourcing this for me. The banging and clanging and swearing must have been in the setting up of this earlier.

"And look they threw in Betty Joe and Daisy and a rifle and this clay jug thing" said Princess Leah.

I had to admit I didn't even notice Betty Joe and Daisy as I was too busy trying to remember the boiling point of pure pyrethrin. "Oh, hi girls" I said, not wanting to appear disinterested in these scantily clad play things. But please, I had a brand new still with a huge boiler capacity and my mind was going overtime.

I looked at Honoruru and said "this is a good thing but I hope it didn't cost too much."

"It didn't cost too much Lukie as it is a present for you from all of us at the Tree House" she said.

"There will be some fine brews come out of this thing" I said and laughed.

I knew what my next project was immediately. I was going to use this as a prototype for a much bigger version for my new Pyrethrin distillation plant. I could get rid of DDT and all its associated issues. I don't have any issues with my conscience with DDT and human effects- malaria is a far more significant risk than DDT itself- but I was worried about bird populations. I had recently read a paper from the Journal of Science of Food and Agriculture that was very old on the efficacy of various pyrethrin isomers on mosquito larvae and I wanted to get it produced here.

Princess Leah had a few hectares of chrysanthemum flowers planted and we needed to be ready to harvest and start extraction in a month or so.

A methodology for extracting pyrethrin from plants using acetonitrile, removing waxes and impurities and then distilling off the acetonitrile, further extraction of pyrethrin through mineral spirits and distillation of the mineral spirits to leave pure pyrethrin had been published 40 years ago and it was old science. It wasn't used widely in agriculture anymore as natural pyrethrin had been replaced by synthetic pyrethroids due to the natural pyrethrin being subject to rapid photolysis and hence loss of efficacy.

All this was going through my mind at once. I just wanted to do something of some good for a change- not bullshit business worrying and other life crap. I raced over to Honoruru, Princess Leah and Dukie and gave them a kiss. I was going to be a chemist again with this still.

As soon as we had Lamb back with us I'd start designing the new, industrial-scale still.

As we were walking up the stairs Princess Leah asked what we should do with Betty Joe and Daisy. I said they should treat them with some dignity and take them back to RTP in the AM.

I asked them if they'd like to stay at the Tree House just for the night as we were having a big jungle curry. They looked quite astounded at the fact we were treating them so well. I think they'd been used and abused before.

We all sat down for dinner and discussed what was happening within the various tribes of the jungle and who we felt needed some medical aid, clean water, education assistance and what we could do. I had just been invited to join the CSIRO "Scientists in Schools" program and maybe I could work with a jungle tribe. Honoruru was already helping 3 tribes with business plans on trading native foods for medicines. Princess Leah and Duke were always helping the locals on various projects. Princess Leah had just erected a fence to keep some wild dogs out of one village.
Betty Joe and Daisy sat and listened and gave us some insight into what was going on out there. I had a feeling these girls would be good value as mates. There is no way we need more in the Tree House but we'd have them over when we could.

As the night settled in we watched some L Word and then crawled into the hammocks.

The next morning we'd blindfold those babes and send them back to RTP.

Goodnight girls.

Lukie

XXXX

What is going on?

2008-02-01T13:22:00.000+10:00

Dukie and Princess Leah were raiding the fridge when I walked in. They both looked at me and had really guilty looks on their faces.

I didn’t say a word but just pretended I wasn’t interested and started making a coffee. “Anyone for coffee this morning?” I asked.

“Um, ah, we are in a bit of a hurry this morning, Lukie” Duke said as she threw another banana into her lunch box.

“Yeah” said Princess Leah. “There is a fair bit of work that needs to be done over in “Camp Camp” she continued.

“Camp Camp” is the place we stay when we are busy fighting on the Western side of the jungle. Camp Camp is over near where the “Bogan” tribe live at “Boganvillea”. We don’t necessarily get along with the Bogans as they think we wear too much Ralph Lauren Polo but they can go phark themselves is my view on that issue.

It had only been a few weeks since we had been at Camp Camp and I was sure that the place was allright. “What can possibly need doing over there?” I asked.

“Well we think the crapper has shat itself” said Princess Leah. My, my she has a way with words.

“Well, sort of sounds like you pair might need to get out for a day or two and fix it” I said. “Maybe you better take some swags with you and stay overnight at Camp if you think it is a big job. Then you won’t be travelling when it is dark or you’re tired”.

Princess Leah jumped up and gave me a kiss.”Thanks Lukie” she said. Princess Leah understands that when she needs to spend quality time with just Dukie I’d be the last person to be offended. That pair are consistently beautiful mates. And consistency is most important.

So the girls packed their swags into the back of the “Uterus”. Dukie had a gorgeous ute that she only took out every now and then – when not in the Postie Van, Miss Whippy, Pantser, Priscilla or on the Beast.

I made them a thermos of coffee and packed some extra lamingtons I had made the day before. I told them the last time I went out past “Boganvillea” I saw heaps of mangoes on the trees. There was also a heap of pineapples near Golden Orb corner. They would all be ready to eat by now and if they got stuck for food they would be right.

Duke and Princess Leah were walking out the door when Honoruru turned up with her swag. Obviously this was planned but I let it go. Honoruru turned to me and asked me if I had any scotch in the Labia. I pulled out 2L of our Tree House single malt and gave it to her.

Dukie, Princess Leah and Honoruru headed off to Camp Camp.

I headed to bed to chill out. I knew that they were up to something really mental. It was fine for Dukie and Princess Leah to be up to something- but when they had Honoruru on their team it was really sooorious. Honoruru had all of our bank account numbers and could put money into things that these turkeys wanted.

Lukie

XXXXX

This goose is now on the talk circuit

2008-01-29T20:54:00.000+10:00

"Sooriously..........what the phark?"

This is the kind of arrogance we have had to put up with for eleven years.

Tree House Party

2008-01-28T18:04:00.000+10:00

Lamb was on the megaphone and she was in fine form.

"Get your tits into this bus now" she screamed.We loaded 50 blindfolded babes into the bus.It was almost unreal that Princess Leah and Duke had managed to find the "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" bus. This is definitely one story we don't want to hear.

We quickly put Lamb into the her silver flowing gown and installed her on the roof.

The natives took off in Miss Whippy to provide a decoy in case anyone was following us. We could hear "Greensleaves" pumping out through the jungle as we took off.

"That'll phark 'em" said Duke as we drove off. Duke was our bus driver today.

Dukie had the bus sideways through every corner to the Tree House. Princess Leah screamed out "the first time I drove this I had it doing 7000 RPM and redlining it in 1st gear". This only drove Dukie on to greater things out of competition and the ride was fast and furious.

We made it back to the Tree House and told everyone to keep their blindfolds on until they got out the back. It wasn't that we cared if they saw the Tree House now, but we were just having fun playing with everyone.

It was 2PM and it was official "Legs Open" time. Everyone took off their blindfolds and I jumped in and started serving. The gin was going off. It was a particularly nasty brew and some of the junior lesbians were struggling.

I decided to let Dukie and Princess Leah take over "Legs" and I would go over to see Cap'n Dyke and the girls. I called to the Princess and she came over with Margo's chaps over her bikini. What had gone on there to facilitate that sharing I didn't want to know.

After an hr or so of drinking we rolled out the Karaoke machine.

Lamb and her junior lesbians all got up and sang "If I could turn back time" by Cher. Some of the girls from the Parallel Universe sang "Advance Australia Fair". Cool. Princess Leah sang "Sunsets" by Powderfinger for me.

Then Cap'n Dyke, Margo, Starr Ann and Lori got up and sang " You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. This is our theme song and they must have learnt it for us. We jumped up after the first verse and the eight of us went crazy together. They sang the more correct version of "American Thighs" whilst we sang "Aussie Thighs".

This was turning into a big day indeed. We had thrown some of the junior lesbians back into the bus as they were terribly wasted. We were going to have to slow this down if any of them were going to be a part of the "horizontal sack races" we had planned for later.

Just as we were about to get another round of Karaoke going, Honoruru burst through the door.
"Holy phark and thanks for the help, you lot" she screamed as she went straight to the bar.

We all stopped as she said "Campbell Newman might have been giving you the key to the city but at the same time the council CEO, Jude Munro, was giving me a bill for $10M for damage caused by the Pantser to BCC infrastructure last week". Honoruru had been busy all day negotiating with Brisbane City Council.

I told her not to worry about it. We had fans across every large business in Australia and we made alot of money for Queensland and Brisbane and they'd support us. We'd just invite Jude to the Tree House one night for dinner. I was too tired to be bothered worrying- even though it had obviously been a big afternoon for Honoruru.

I told Honoruru to go down to the "Casting Couch"and she could start interviewing babes to share her hammock tonight. They were all lined up and had been waiting for her for hours as her reputation as a lover was widely known. That is why we could never let Honoruru come in a fight with us- it would ruin her "lover, not a fighter" reputation.

"Wai, hurro dare radies" I heard her say as she sat down on the Casting Couch to start her interviews.

I was busy with the prawns on the BBQ whilst I heard some turbines whirring into action underneath. Holy shit I knew what was going on.

I dropped the tongs and ran down the stairs.

Just as I did this the Pantser leapt into action. Cap'n Dyke and Lamb were straddling the gun on the front, Margo and Starr Ann were on the back holding on for dear life and Dukie had Lori on the back of the Beast doing "fishies" in the gravel in front and smoking it up a storm. Lori looked good in a pair of Duke's aviator glasses and leathers.

I let them go and returned to the BBQ.

After 2 hrs I could hear "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen as they came up through the jungle. Dukie came roaring in first and then Princess Leah parked the Pantser.

Margo said "that was the most amazing thing I've ever done in my life" as she climbed up the Tree House stairs. Starr Ann and Lori were just speechless.

I looked down the stairs and Cap'n Dyke and Lamb were crawling up the stairs with their legs crossed. I looked at Princess Leah and she said "Lamb wanted me to fire the gun. I swear Lukie I didn't want too, but they begged me."

This was Lambs favourite thing. Straddling the gun whilst Princess Leah fired it.

Dukie recounted how after they fired the first missile Cap'n Dyke was hanging upside down on the gun like an orangutan, moaning for 5 minutes. I think Margo might have thought that was the most amazing thing she'd ever experienced, but Cap'n Dyke certainly would as well if she could talk enough to tell us. Apparently Princess fired it 3 times. Even that was a record for Lamb and we were going to have to get her therapy for this. Like an addict, when will enough ever be enough?

We danced to Kylie Minogue and a heap of others for 4 hrs. Cap'n Dyke and Lamb didn't move much at all actually.

At about midnight and under the cover of darkness Duke took all the local babes back to the "ten ways". The villagers took them in Miss Whippy back to the Parallel Universe.

We had ten hammocks lined up on the Tree House back deck.

Princess Leah said "are we going to do the horizontal sack races tonight Lukie?"

I started to say that I was too tired when Lamb cut in with "That is all so boring as Luke always comes first". Dukie added "she comes first, second, third, fourth and fifth to be more precise".

Our girls from the US of A obviously got the joke as they were all laughing. We'd take them back to th"Mound in the morning. Right now we needed sleep.

Goodnight girls and thanks for coming. Again and again and again.

Lukie

XXXX

Key to the City

2008-01-28T09:08:00.000+10:00

We were waiting just inside the "ten ways" until Maverick and Goose flew over. After that we'd know it was safe to start heading into town.

Princess Leah was driving "Miss Whippy". Princess had her bikini and jungle boots on and an Australia flag cape tied around her neck. Lamb was on the roof in her leather pants,boots and only a bra on top. She had her Italian flag draped over her back like a cape. Of course the AK-47 was over the shoulder and she had her megaphone as well. Dukie had her bike leathers on and was in the back fixing the ice cream machine that seemed to break down frequently. I was looking hot in my camouflage shirt, shorts and Aussie green and yellow thongs. My Luke Skywalker hair was in fine form hanging over my Australia peak cap.

Maverick and Goose flew over and "flaps up girls, you're clear for take-off" came over the radio. We were out on the road, Greensleaves was pumping and the perfect Queensland sun was shining on us. A few clouds indicated we may be experiencing a tropical storm late in the afternoon but by then we'd be back in the Tree House.

The plan was we would drive down Albert St and turn left into Queen St and drive through the crowd lining the streets and then to Eagle St Pier where we would presented with the key to Brisvegas by Captain Bligh (Premier of the Republic of Queensland) and Campbell Newman.

We drove down Albert and turned into Queen St.

"Holy phark, are you sooorioous?" screamed Lamb from the rooftop of Miss Whippy as she looked down Queen St. There were at least 200,000 people in the streets according to my guesstimate. We drove slowly through town and there were streamers and shit flying everywhere.We stopped to give all the kids an ice-cream and it took hours to get to Eagle St but we were having fun.

I knew we had to keep a lookout for Cap'n Dyke and Margo's crew but I thought we'd find them in the Mighty River at Eagle St. We had a secret password sorted with them in case we didn't recognise them.

We eventually made it to Eagle St Pier. Princess Leah had the ice cream van sideways into Eagle St. We came to a thudding halt and fell out to a thundering round of applause. We jumped up to shake hands on the podium with Campbell "Cando" Newman and Captain Bligh. Through the restaurants and bars I could see a magnificent ship and I knew that meant Cap'n Dyke and all were here somewhere. WOO HOO!! It was gonna go off.

Campbell "Cando" gave a great speech about what we had done for tourism and putting Brisbane on the map. Captain Bligh said a heap of cool things as well about environmentally sustainable development in Queensland and how we were leading the pack.

None of us really wanted to give a speech but Lamb said she would. Of course she couldn't use the conventional microphone that everyone else had. Lamb stood on top of Miss Whippy with her megaphone.

She spoke in Italian first and we nearly pissed ourselves laughing as she went on. I managed to find Rocky in the crowd and could see she understood and was laughing hyserically.

When Lamb spoke in English she said:

"I never coulda dreamed when I left Italy 37 years ago, just after being borned I woulda be this famous. I did know, however, that my beauty would be used for World Peace somehow".

"We at the Tree House sooriously believe that Land Rights for Gay Whales is a cause worth fighting for".

"Now the Parallel Universe will be goin' off very soon and we expect to see all of youse there".

I was laughing my arse off. Where did she get "Gay Rights for Land Whales" from? Fighting Japanese whalers was one thing, respecting native title another, and even being gay- but land rights for gay whales really took the cake. And where on earth did the "World Peace" thing come from? Miss Jungle was now thinking she was Miss America.

Anyway so we jumped into Miss Whippy and took off to the Parallel Universe. There were 2000 people dressed as Luke Skywalker, Princess Leah, Duke and every lesbian under the age of 25 was dressed as Lamb with her Cher outfit on. Exactly what Lamb wanted. They had all heard Lamb was in charge of choosing guests for the Tree House party later on and they were sucking up for a ticket. They'd be sucking up later and they had better be careful what they wished for.

I told the girls to look out for Cap'n Dyke in her pirate kit and the girls in chaps.

After a few bevvies Lamb ran over and said "soooriously I thank Cap'n just waltzed in to the Inferno Bar. I sent Princess Leah to check if it was her. We agreed through the net that we had a secret password to confirm who we were. With so many babes dressed as us, they could get chatted up and taken home by anyone.

Princess Leah walked up and said in her best British military accent "I think you are absolutely gorgeous and I'd like to stick it you".

The Cap'n replied "Really, you'd like to give me a jolly good rodgering?".

Princess Leah knew she had the real deal on her hands.

We all met and ordered a new round of Gin and Tonic and some good Pirate XO.

Just as we were laughing our arses off and exchanging some fabulous stories Maverick came up and started trying to chat up Lori from Hahn at Home. This kind of thing made me sick that Mav couldnt just come out as gay and was always trying to prove he wasn't with his "naval aviator" story.

Then he started with his big scientology blast. Lamb jumped in and said "sooriously Mav, you are gonna have to pull your head in. You know these girls all belong to the Church of the Born Again Lesbians ".

Maverick just couldnt let it be and he hated that Lamb was head of the BAL church.

Lamb was the Dalai Lamba, a 5 star lesbian who was annointed as the head of the Lesbian church. She was carried out of Italy by a bunch of lesbians at a very young age when the Catholic Church found out they had her in their country. She was in imminent danger of being drowned or held captive and they wrapped her and carted her to Australia. This is why Lamb is so independent and such a fighter with high gay morals. And all gay morals are high.

I know when this religious shit starts it is time to get out of here. I told Dukie and Princess Leah to get Lamb under control and get us all into Miss Whippy. First of all Cap'n Dyke and her crowd got into Miss Whippy then we packed another 40 babes in. Mav and Goose gave us cover and we headed back to the "ten ways". We did this all quietly and people were not even aware of what we had done. We had a secret exit from the Parallel Universe that the managers let us use.

When we got there we had to transfer to new Transport. Lamb and I still had no idea what we were getting into. Duke jumped out of the front of Miss Whippy at the "ten ways" and ran into the bush. Princess Leah, Duke and I started blindfolding the babes.

We had everyone lined up and Duke came around the corner in the new Transport.

"Holy Phark" I thought. Lamb nearly fell over laughing.

Duke got out and the four of us had high-fives all round and started packing the blindfolded babes into the bus.

We didn't have Honoruru with us and I didn't know where she was but knew she'd find her way when she could.

o

Culturally Sensitive and Environmentally Sustainable Development

2008-01-26T18:45:00.000+10:00

Princess Leah and Duke took off in the modified Pantser to start carving the path. I knew they had the right path in terms of directions but I was worried that they would have some big trees to get through.

I thought Lamb would be home last night but she was at the "Police" concert in Melbourne and wouldn't be home until today. She'd be tired and would just sleep. Duke picked her up and bought her home and she went straight to bed. We told her to sleep and we would be out doing some testing on the Pantser while she slept. We'd explain later.

In order to make sure we weren't knocking over anything of cultural significance to the local natives I organised for the elders of the three local tribes to walk in front of the Pantser with me. If we had to deviate from the path because of native title or cultural reasons I would analyse the possible impacts on native vegetation and habitat as well. The other thing we had worked hard on was mapping all ecologically sensitive areas for the locals and I'd have to take both of these into account in mapping a new path if required.

Lucky the Tree House technologies were being used by several Australian government agencies to do just this. We had to remember that Australia Day was the day white man landed on these shores a few hundred years ago. The aboriginals had been here a long time before that. John Howard might never have thought it appropriate to even acknowledge this but most Australians are human beings and certainly do. We are mature enough as a country to respect aboriginal culture and understand that the maintenance of it is important to the nation.

Everything was going smoothly with the tree clearing when we heard the Pantser engine starting to make strange noises. Lamb quickly turned it off and let it cool down.

"I reckon that is turbine problems" said Duke. Just goes to show how much I know as I thought turbines were in aeroplanes- not tanks.

I stayed clear and let Princess and Dukie lift the hood and get into the engine. It seemed to take forever and I think Princess actually invented new swear words. Duke was on the beast and she had to make a few trips back to the Tree House to get "stuff" for them to use in fixing it.

I just sat back watching their hard work and admiring their eyes. By the time they finished they were so gorgeously filthy.

Princess Leah and Duke got back in the Pantser and went on for five minutes with some impressive technology words whilst they each flicked switches and watched lights and then Dukie turned the key.

A giant "whirring" noise started and the turbine leapt into action.

Princess Leah continued on with the work and eventually, without any further hassle we were at the "ten ways". The "ten ways" was just inside the jungle perimeter and was an intersection where ten roads met. We had constructed this with the local villagers. These roads all intersected at various other points around the jungle and none of them led to the Tree House. The ten ways and our road system had so far managed to keep every person searching for the Tree House confused.

This is where our new vehicle would be after we came back from the key ceremony. No-one knew what it was yet. We'd hand over the ice cream van and any other vehicles carrying girls that came with us to the villagers and we'd jump in the one vehicle. Once on board the new transport they would all be blindfolded. This is where Lamb wanted to start with the whipped cream and strawberries but I told her we should wait until everyone had a few Gins at the Tree House. We didn't want any resistance.

Princess Leah and Duke had started this thing where one of them would say "nice legs" to me and the other would say "what time do they open?" and then they'd fall over laughing together. I told them they might as well do something clever with that joke. I told them the Tree House bar was now to be called "Legs". They looked at me very strangely. They'd get it later.

I had a feeling there would be a fair bit of "legopener" coming out of the Labia to get the girls in the mood tomorrow. I didn't have a functioning distillery but I'd found 20L of Gin in some cupboards in my office from previous batches.

Back to the story. We went home and told Lamb the whole Pantser saga and the plan. She was so tired after a few days in Melbourne and being up all night that she said it all sounded terrific. Lamb must have some form of "inverse PMS" I was thinking. I am not sure what could possibly be wrong as she should have exploded with that news. Maybe we did have it all sorted and this thing of of the girls was a good idea.

Princess was cooking dinner tonight. I had to get on my bicycle and do a snappy 50Km around the jungle as I hadn't trained for 2 weeks.

Rocky and Honoruru knew what to bring and we were pretty much all ready for tomorrow.

Sleep well Tree Housers as tomorrow "Legs" Open at 2PM.

Lukie

XXXX

The Plan

2008-01-26T15:56:00.000+10:00

Duke and Princess Leah had a good Rub-A-Dub-Dub Piliga Scrub after their big day with their tools.

After that we went over to Park Rd and saw Rocky for an Italian dinner. As a "ginger beer", herself we needed to get Rocky's brain working on what we had to do to to make Lamb happy that everything was ok.

Rocky was a bit perplexed as to why the girls had done what they had but she eventually gave us all the answers. Rocky is an electrical engineer but knew pretty much what we had to do. Rocky also has a great degree of respect for Lamb's talents as an engineer and it is nice to hear about Lamb from someone who really knows how good she is.

Today was another day to finalise the modifications to the Pantser. The Lamb was on her way back from Melbourne tonight and we wanted to have this thing looking spiffy and a solution to put to Lamb. The idea of putting up a problem instead of a solution just didn't sit well with any of us in this instance.

We awoke at 6.30AM in the Tree House and started the action. Well, we started and then decided that we'd need more sleep. At 9.15 I was looking out the window and Princess said "I think from the angle of the sun relative to the Tree House it must be 9.15". Sure enough she jumped out of bed and looked at the clock and it was 9.15 exactly. Princess Leah has talent.

Duke spent all day documenting exactly what was going and how they had done it.

Princess Leah drove me around Brisvegas to do the shopping for the "barbie" on Monday. It was getting pretty mental and we knew we had to get a bucket of food. We also had to get some clothes for the ceremony. I thought I'd wear a suit as I would probably have to make a speech. This idea didnt sit well with Princess Leah and we agreed on what we would both wear. We found an outfit each in various shops.

After that we went back to the Tree House and I pulled out some of the technology from the Tree House companies. It is all GIS enabled applications and we started to work out where to cut the roads for the new vehicle that Princess Leah and Dukie had procured. I still had no idea what the vehicle was but they said "give us enough clearance for a 5m wheel base and we will be right". Holy phark, what did they have?

I overlayed a series of topography, native vegetation,soil type, village location, waterway and DCDB maps and worked out the best possible route. I entered this into the Pantser differential GPS (for accuracy to 20cm) and we could put that thing on auto-pilot and it would work. Princess Leah still had to drive it but she would always knew where she was and where to go.

I was busy trying to fix the distillery and the girls finished the Pantser. I knew we wouldn't have the still fixed in time to make grog for the big day but I needed something to take my mind off everything else. We were starting VC discussions with new companies and I was stressed as all shit.

After we had all finished work we sat down on the deck of the Tree House, draped an Aussie Flag over the back deck and had a few beverages. Princess Leah decided to play dress-ups and we all laughed our tits off at the get-up. There is nothing as hot as Princess Leah in her suede "phark me" boots, Pink feather boa, pink sunglasses and jungle shorts and singlet.

I put Alex Lloyd on the CD and we chilled. I had to make a few trips to the Tree House laundry in between beers as we were busy washing hammocks and we'd have to install some new as well.

If Cap'n Dyke and Margo's Posse wanted to stay they'd need to sleep in the air as well. It is no use inviting people to come from afar for a party into the jungle and letting them sleep on the floor. You need air in the jungle and traditional "Queenslander" helped with air flow but we needed soorious air in the middle of Summer. I had entertained the idea of putting the visitors up at the Carlton Crest or letting them sleep on the boat- but this is very unAustraahlian. And I had no doubt they'd be having such a good time and wouldn't want to leave.

Anyone else that came for the party would have to get back into the Transport Dukie and Leah had and be taken back to Brisvegas. All blindfolded in both directions of course.

I cooked pork marinated in soy sauce, garlic, ginger, chilli and coriander and a big Asian salad and we all sat down and discussed how we were going to break the news to Lamb over dinner.

It was agreed I'd do it whilst the girls were downstairs. Things would be fine.

Tomorrow was to be a massive day for Princess Leah and Duke clearing some forest in the most environmentally sensitive manner and then we'd need a big sleep for Monday's festivities.

We were looking forward to all of this. We just needed to maintain our anonymity. It would be fine.

AUSTRALIA DAY 2008

2008-01-26T11:23:00.001+10:00

G'DAY MATES!!

Welcome to Australia Day,2008. Hope it treats everyone well and you down a significant number of "stubbies" and throw a PRAWN or two on the "barbie".

Don't forget the official ceremony for the Tree Housers getting the key to Brisvegas is Monday.

See "youse" there.

In the meantime Duke and Princess Leah will be busy polishing the Pantser and we'll be out to pick up Lamb tonight.

Have a great day.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi, Oi, Oi!!

UNITED NATIONS POST

2008-01-25T16:48:00.000+10:00

All day long I was busy working upstairs on the deck of the TreeHouse.

Lamb was still in Melbourne and we had a chat after lunch. Lamb's job is critical for her company and sometimes I think if she doesn't slow down she'll do herself some harm. That is the last thing we need.

I could hear the welder and grinder going all day long and it was more than pharkn annoying but I knew Duke and Princess Leah must be doing something important.

I put 5 Tim Rogers CD's in the machine and turned up the volume. Every now and then the power would cut out and Tim would miss a beat but it was all ok.

Everytime Princess Leah and Duke arc up the welder the power dips and sometimes we even get blackouts. The only way we'd get over this is if we had 3-phase power all the way to the Tree House and that would be a nice give away to the authorities wouldn't it.

Our current power was generators running on biodiesel or ethanol. Princess Leah managed to get a few good crops of corn or canola in every year and I manufactured the fuel in the Labia.

Anyway back to the welding. I thought it was time the girls finished the welding and griding and came upstairs for a beveridge or five. The sunset is beautiful as the Tree House deck overlooks the jungle.

I went downstairs and could not believe what I saw. Princess Leah and Duke had turned the Pantser into a bulldozer. I said "what the phark are you pair doing?". Holy shit these modifications have not been designed by Lamb, will not have a compliance certificate and therefore be unwarrantable, are not covered by our current lease or insurance agreements and basically are just ridiculous.

"If we wanted a bulldozer we'd get a D-12 for $500k and a good lease through Caterpillar. You have just turned an $20M tank into a bulldozer" I said. "Sooriously Lamb is gonna pharkn spew when she sees this" I added.

I had to admit Princess Leah and Duke looked gorgeous when they were all dirty and sweaty. But this was a catastrophe.

"Lukie, you may be upset and you may have a right to be" started Princess.

"The simple fact is we cant get a D12 imported for a few weeks and we need it NOW" said Duke.

"All the modifications are totally reversible and we now have a multi-purpose vehicle" continued Princess Leah. "I know you and Lamb think you need to analyse and assess and approve everything but this is real work, Luke. We don't have time to sit around and think about this for a week".

"And what on earth is the rush on for girls" I said as I tried to hide my anger.

"Well we have Cap'n Dyke, Hahnski, Margo and Starr Ann and maybe some others coming and we have a sourced an absolute motherpharkn vehicle to get us all home" said Duke.

Duke and Princess Leah looked at each other and started laughing madly until they both fell over.

"And what does this have to do with your justification for destroying millions of dollars of property" I said. Duke explained that in order to get approximately 50 blindfolded lesbians back to the Tree House in their new vehicle we would need to carve a path that is wider than anything the vans can get through.

"Whatever" I said. "But you pair better have this thing back to normal within 48 hrs of the ceremony".

I started to walk off when Duke told me to come back. "Let me show you" she said.

We walked around and I looked at everything. I had to admit it looked unbelievable. This pair are talented.

"When Lamb gets back we are going to get her to submit the documents to the patent office" said Duke.

"Then" she continued "this will be a massive money spinner for the Tree House.

"How so?" I asked,suddenly interested.

"Well we heard something very special on the Telegraph Cucumber from Bella and we weren't going to tell you until dinner but here goes" said Duke as she motioned for Princess to tell me.

"The United Nations have just announced that you are to take over the role as chief negotiator for the Middle East and Iraq" said Princess Leah.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Are you tak'n the piss? Because if so it isn't very funny" I said.

"No,no,no" they were saying together whilst running over and starting to lick me like a Chocolate Paddle Pop.

"And how does this make the Panzer/Dozer a profitable enterprise for us?" I asked.

"Well, stooopid, said Duke" laughing like crazy. "we know you'll get all of those hotheads sitting down and they'll all be talking and laughing. Next thing the reconstruction effort will hit top gear and they'll be needing more dozers than Pantsers and they will have to get them modified by us".

I could see her point. I could also see that this would be a big job for Lamb to manage as well.

I said "I dont want to go as that place is sooriously unsafe".

Duke said "Hello?" as if I had missed something.

"We are taking Lamb with us. Nobody messes with a bitch with guns and tits" said Princess Leah.

I told them to get their dirty little hot bodies into the tub. I was cooking dinner and we'd have to discuss how we'd manage telling Lamb about these modifications to the Pantser. This was her pride and joy after she did all of the sourcing, finance and insurance work for it.

The girls ran past me and went straight to write down the new supplies they needed. I went in and ran them a big bubble bath and they jumped in together. Sometimes I feel like they are my kids, not true jungle warriors.

The Preparation

2008-01-24T16:13:00.000+10:00

The preparation for Mondays little circus was proceeding smoothly.

Lamb had to return to Melbourne in between to manage some protein making and distribution. Lamb is highly regarded for her engineering skills and has a heavy duty position in one of Australia's largest Agribusiness'. We are so proud of her. We were happy though as this travel out of the jungle meant she would have to pass through Duty Free and would be purchasing some cheap grog for us for the celebrations. I had blown up the distillery a week ago making a potent brew of Gin and so I had to rely on Mr Gordon for a supply.

Duke and Princess Leah had finished the maintenance on the "Pantser". It was ready for another mission should it be required at short notice. The Panzer was renamed the "Pantser" after our ride back from the Japanese Whaler incident. I won't tell you what happened in the drivers seat with Princess Leah all hot and filled with adrenalin and me looking like I'd won a wet t-shirt competition after exiting the Mighty River. You can just imagine. Sometimes the rules of "inter- Tree House" relationships get broken in the heat of battle.

We'd heard from Margo Moon that she'd be bringing the Posse over from The Starr Ann Chronicles for the ceremony. This was hot and the support is much appreciated. Lori at Hahn at Home was keen for a long ride, although she also noted that they had to get Cap'n Dyke- Pirate Queen and her crew to prepare for the long voyage Down Under. I knew for a fact that these girls loved goin' Down Under and they'd be here to see us on our big day.

Princess Leah was on holidays for a week and she deserved every minute of it. Princess and Duke were getting the Tree House ready for the party first. Lamb and I still had some serious training to do between now and then.

The Tree House companies had made some significant sales of our technology and the banks were off our back for now. We were being offered serious money through VC/Private Equity and we'd been there before. Today we had some info come in from our "Mates in the States" and we were looking intensely at The Funded on some of our possible suitors. Shit, we were just into doing good things for good fun and we desperately didn't want anything to happen to our vision or morals. We'd have to tread lightly and think carefully as we made our way through this maze again.

I knew Honoruru would be a good person to talk to about all of this and she'd be over for the ceremony and Jungle Party afterwards. Dr Skywalker would have to put on a suit again and get back into the thick of financial warfare.

In true Aussie fashion I loaded up the stereo with Powderfinger and let it blast as I watched the grass grow in the jungle below. On the big screen inside, the Aussie cricket team were struggling with Sachin Tendulkar still at the crease in the Adelaide Test late on the first day. As I write this, we just removed VVS Laxman with a beautiful ball from "Bing Lee". Lovely bowling Brett.

I heard "The Beast" coming down the road and I knew I was going to be very happy to see Dukie home.

Duke had been out looking at the parade route. She was happy that we could get in and out, meet up with Cap'N Dyke and Margo and her Posse on the Mighty River and get us all back to the Tree House without any followers. I wasn't convinced but apparently Duke had spoken to all of the villagers and they had agreed they'd give us cover.

Dukie agreed with the villagers we'd leave "Miss Whippy" at the jungle perimeter full of ice cream (Lamb was to secure this protein) and one of the villagers would drive it around with "Greensleaves" blaring until we were back at the Tree House. The kids would go off on the ice cream and no-one would know it wasn't us.

We'd be safely making our way back to the Tree House with the media and any followers chasing "Miss Whippy" full of kids and ice cream. We'd get Lamb to fill it with "Golden Gaytime" just to make it even funnier.

I asked how we'd get back from the village to the Tree House and Dukie smiled and said "Princess Leah has it covered". I knew we needed a big vehicle to cart all the girls. I also knew I shouldn't ask what they were up to.

Pharkn hell. It is going to be a magical mystery tour.

Wai, Hurro Dare Radies!

2008-01-23T21:14:00.000+10:00

We awake the following morning with a big hangover and looking like we'd had some serious fun last night. Lucky we had the sense to pack the dishwasher and do the dishes the night before.

There were six gorgeous,naked babes in hammocks lined across the back deck of the Tree House. Honoruru rolled over and said "wai, hurro dare radies". Holy shit. Lamb and Rocky had their own issues with Engerish but Honoruru was something special.

The Telegraph Cucumber was ringing off its harness and I let it go the usual 3 or 4 times.

Honoruru finally got the shits and answered it. "Bella, it is Honoruru here. What the phark do you want at this hour of the morning?".

"Well Honoruru, the first thing is it is the afternoon and that means you have all slept through the morning sun. You probably have burnt norks if you've been doing the usual nudey hammock sleeping thing at the Tree House" said Bella.

Honoruru looked across and laughed at the even pinker than usual nudey bits.

"Well would you like to tell us something special Bells, or are you just calling to check what we got up too last night. Because, I'm telling you now you don't want to know" said Honoruru.

"Australia Day is in a few days and Campbell and BCC want to put the city parade and key ceremony back so that your day is really special" said Bells.

Honoruru relayed this message to all us.

"Sooriously, maate, that is so pharkn cool as Rocky and I need more time to build the chocolate machine and I have a hangover that would kill one of those PC's" said Lamb.

I agreed. Honoruru had some GST work to do for us and she needed to get that done before she could let her hair down.

Princess Leah and Duke were pulling the Panzer apart and wanted to have it ready in case we needed it in a hurry. "Be prepared" as Duke always says. So they needed time.

We agreed that it was better for us to wait to get our bling.

Today was to be a slow day. Lamb made the coffee and a breakfast with eggs, beans, sausages, tomatoes, basil, bacon and toast.

We spent the afternoon watching Lamb and Rocky pull apart and rebuild the AK-47 as the chocolate machine.

Then for dinner Princess Leah and I went over to Milton and got some Thai take-away. The squid was good. The yellow curry was fabulous.

Then we sat down and watched some old L-Word DVD's.

Everyone was too tired for more action.

We'd wait until the morning to hear back on the plans for the ceremony and Australia Day. The thing we had heard was that Obi One Kanobi was coming to the Australia Day BBQ we were hosting at the Tree House. Miracles will never pharkn cease.

No Cuntinuity

2008-01-23T01:51:00.000+10:00

I just re-read the last post from the Tree House. I think it was very poor.

I think it is mostly because we were very very drunk.

There was no story and there was no cuntinuity. We need to be more professional.

We apologise for this.

Lukie.

Just Call Me Bubbles Darling, Everyone Does.

2008-01-22T22:43:00.000+10:00

Lamb and I were sitting on the front deck of the Tree House admiring the rice paddies when we heard “Greensleaves” coming through loud and clear.

“Soooriously, what the phark?” said Lamb as the music got louder.

I said to Lamb “I reckon this is Princess Leah and Duke”. Next thing Lamb started pissing herself laughing as she saw what was coming up the road.

“Where did you get this vehicle from Dukie?” asked Lamb as Duke got out of the front passenger seat.

Dukie, laughing as she rolled out of the passenger seat, started to recollect her strip poker adventure the night before where she challenged Miss G-Stringer to a hand... And had a straight flush… matching bra & all to win the hand… and then some…

Princess… rolling at the picture of Duke in matching lingerie (La Perla at that!!!!) regained her composure to add…. “You think you would have the sense to actually trim the edges before you wear a G-banga!!!”

I reminded Lamb that we should never ask Duke and Princess Leah where they get their vehicles from.

Princess Leah and Duke had renamed the van "Miss Whippy". "You should see who we found in the back of it when we picked it up" said Princes. It appeared the G-Stringers had taken a hostage and had her stashed in the van.

Duke opened up the doors and out of the back of Miss Whippy jumped a blindfolded Rocky Balbina. “Holy phark this place rocks” she said.

Rocky is a full blooded Italian miss. Lamb and Rocky talked in Italian for the next 10 minutes whilst I tried to follow. It wasn't easy as they speak so fast. I did hear lots of "sexy". I think they were talking about me.

Anyway I knew they were up to something as Lamb started looking at her AK-47. I knew exactly what she was thinking. That the AK-47 would be converted to spray hot chocolate and Rocky Balbina (being an engineer- or “ginger beer” herself) was here to join Lamb in converting the AK-47 into a very powerful chocolate spraying machine. Apparently there would be babes lining the streets all the way into and back from the key ceremony and Lamb was keen to make sure they all end up in our Miss Whippy van line of fire.

Lamb and Rocky Balbina pulled out the CAD software and started to look at changing the AK-47 design to let it use chocolate instead of bullets.

We sat down to get all of the engineering issues sorted. We thought that would be our only challenge tonight.

Then we had a knock on the front door. There is only one person who knows where we live. It is “Honoruru”. Honoruru is our accountant and she has short fingers from using a calcurator. With all of the red tape and tax system that the Howard government implemented, Honoruru is so important to us. She is a hot chick as well. Anyway, Honoruru was here to look at a couple of leases and asset sales agreements for the bank.

We all sat down on the back deck and had a huge feast of thai prawn salad, lamb and potatoes whilst Honoruru went mental over our books.

Lamb and Rocky had some Chambord, I fixed a G and T, Princess Leah had a few vodkas and Dukie didn’t have anything as she knew she had a big job the next day. Honoruru had a few more Coronas.

This little ceremony thing was going to go off. It was so good that Rocky was here to help us with this new adventure. It was good to see Lamb had an engineering mate she could talk too in her native tongue. That tongue would be very much into the natives in a days time I was thinking to myself.

Honoruru couldn’t make it back to town that night as she was plastered.

So we tied up another 2 hammocks and Rocky and Honoruru slept with us that night.

Bling Bling We Own Brisvegas

2008-01-21T19:54:00.000+10:00

So we made it back to the Tree House. Obviously all of the law enforcement officers had heard what we had done and we're letting us go home through the city without any issues.

Princess took the Panzer straight over the bridge, up Turbot Street, through Wickham Terrace and past Silverton Place. I was thinking we probably all needed to drop in and see a psychiatrist at Silverton Place but we were too tired to be sensible. We'd release later when we could.

I was dripping wet and had to get the lightsaber home for Lamb to fix. Shit, lightsaber health is more important than mental health surely.

Princess Leah was obviously upset even though she looked cool. We needed to talk.

Duke and Princess Leah helped Lamb get out of her outfit.

I put Ben Lee on the stereo and went straight to the fridge. I needed a big G and T. I'd get the others a drink later.

The Telegraph Cucumber started ringing and I let it ring out. It rang again three times before I picked up.

"Yes?" I said, exhausted.

"Campbell Newman wants to give you the key to the city as we are on every news network in the world tonight" screamed Bella.

Campbell Newman is the liberal Mayor of Brisvegas.

Apparently a ticker tape parade was organised for two days time. This was exactly the publicity the Tree House didn't need.

Just as I sat back and started thinking about all of this Ben started singing "There are no right angles in my life". I knew exactly what he was on about.

Princess Leah came out and jumped into my hammock. We had a big cuddle and talked about life and shit. Because sometimes that is what life is seemingly- shit. I know I shouldn't start a sentence with "Because" but I am way too tired to be pharked.

Dukie and Lamb had a shower and came out and saw us. We all lay there and discussed how we'd get to this ceremony and even if we'd go. Lamb decided that we'd go. As the queen of "wog bling" she wanted a big key to put on her neck. Well if we got one thing out of it, more "bling" for Lamb was a genuine motive.

I didn't know how we'd get there and back incognito. We certainly couldn't take the Postie Van as we'd give away who we are and people would probably start asking questions as to how we got it.

Dukie must have known what I was thinking and she looked at me and said " we have one day Lukie to get us some new transport to this parade- leave it to Princess Leah and I".

Dukie you are our "bling". Except real diamonds and gold.

Lamb started pulling the lightsaber apart to help it dry.

"You did a good thing today Lukie" said Lamb. The others concurred.

It's a team effort. "How about them Bronco's?" I said as if trying to make light of what I'd done. It wasn't like I'd really contributed before on the battlefield. Living in my own head was my specialty.

We had four hammocks lined up on the deck of the Tree House and we all slept like never before. Tomorrow would be another day and undoubtedly we'd be stronger and more committed to each other after it.

It is just what happens at the Tree House.

Goodnight girls. Sweet dreams.

Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love

2008-01-20T11:00:00.000+10:00

As we approached the top of the Pass we could see Dukie standing in the middle of the road with a bewildered look on her face. "Well she's lost the plot I reckon" I said to Princess. "We're in the middle of a war zone and she is standing out like a sore thumb".

As we came up closer the look turned to one of hysterics before she was rolling around on the ground laughing.

"Get up you big goose, you are giving us away to the enemy" screamed Lamb from the top of the Panzer.

"Did you look in the mirror before you walked out the door Lambie?" said Duke as she regained composure. "That is the worst jungle outfit Ive ever laid eyes on. Looks like that getup Cher wore on the Turn Back Time video clip on the navy boat". Well lucky Duke hadn't heard the music when we left the Tree House.

"Oh maate, you can shut the phark up" said Lamb. "Soooriously, where are these bastards? Have you managed to find them or just been laying here thinking about girls and bazookas?".

"Well, actually, Mav and Goose have heard we're in trouble and they have flown over and sorted it all out for us" said Duke.

" The whalers are down at Southbank under the Goodwill Bridge. Princess Leah you head straight down Coro drive and up onto the bridge. Lukie catch a cab over the bridge before Leah gets there. Baby is at the entrance to the bridge and she doesn't know anything about this yet. I'll be picking her up and getting her the flock outta there first and then coming back to the battle" she said calmly.

Just like our best mate Duke to save the women first before putting herself back into danger.

"Luke you head over now, Leah get to the bridge and cover me. When I see the gay boys fly over I'll know you're all set. Off you go now and be safe, true warriors" continued Duke. We all had a quick pash and took off. Leah desperately wanted Lamb to come inside the Panzer but she wouldn't have a bar of it.

Apparently Mav and Goose had also said that there was some strange looking Pirate Ship in the distance and even a cavalry on the western front. I had an inkling that some of our new found mates might be heading over to help us. Whew they move fast!! Maybe it was that 4 Gigabyte per nanosecond cable we have at the Tree House that let us all travel at the speed of light.

Anyway I called 131008 and got a Black and White to Southbank. The driver looked at me, started laughing and said "you goin' to a fancy dress or something Luke Skywalker?" as I jumped in. I laughed and said "yeah- and it will be going off with a bang as Cher is singing." Funny bastards in Brisbane. I wound down the windows and let the jungle humidity seep into my skin. Shit I loved this heat and humidity. Made the babes glisten.

I got to Southbank and took up my position on the Museum of Contemporary Art (MCA) roof. This was fine for watching but was I supposed to do up here? I could see the Japanese Whalers and Sea Shepherd behind it. The Steve Irwin was close by. Steve was a mate of ours and the Australia Zoo was only an hour up the road from the Tree House. We still visit every few weeks just to see Terri, Bindi and Bob and see what we can do for the world of conservation and animal welfare.

I could see the Panzer approaching. At least Princess had changed the music and Neil Young was on. "Rockin' in the Free World" was the song Princess almost always had playing on her way into battle.

Baby started to move towards the Panzer but Lamb had her megaphone out. "Soooriously, we've been targetted by the Japanese Whalers and we know about it and we're here to phark 'em over. You wait for the Duke, Baby" she said calmly.

Baby stood back and let the Panzer pass. I could see she was impressed with all of this.

Next thing Princess positioned the Panzer on the bridge and directed the Lamb and the gun she was straddling straight at the whale boats.

Mav and Goose flew over and within a microsecond Duke had Baby and was outta there. Once we knew that Baby was safe we could start the negotiations. Or I would have negotiated anyway. How did we leave the megaphone with Lamb?

"Ascoltate me pharkn del ADN Im dei bastardi sooorious. Avete provato a prenderli a Kokoda e noi combattenti della giungla abbiamo vinto. Abbiamo pensato che baciato e composto. Pozzo voi pharkn del aint visto niente ancora. Sono l'agnello. Il guerriero della giungla italiano più grande mai per portare i fishnets e cuoio. Desiderate le mie donne, voi lo prendete in primo luogo."

I translated this as "Listen to me you bastards- and Im pharkn sooorious! You tried to take us at Kokoda and us jungle fighters won. We thought we'd kissed and made up. Well you ain't pharkn seen nothing yet. I am the Lamb. The Greatest Italian Jungle Warrior ever to wear fishnets and leather. You want my women, you take me first."

Lamb stood up and let a few rounds escape from the AK-47. "Oh shit" I thought.

I raced down to the banks of the river. I could see the Whalers were getting their harpoons ready.

Duke rode over the bridge behind the Panzer and picked me up and took us to Princess Leah and Lamb. We were now all on the Panzer or in front of it.

The Whalers let the first harpoon go. It went straight into one of the pylons of the bridge under us.

"These bastards fight dirtier than bank managers" said Duke.

The second harpoon nearly took Lamb's head off. "Get down" I screamed just in time.

Leah couldn't get the gun of the Panzer down far enough to aim at the Whalers underneath us and we lost two missiles to the salty water of the Mighty River. Leah looked at me and said "Lukie- time you stopped thinking and made a contribution to the fightin capabilities of this outfit" she said.

I knew what I had to do. I pulled out the Lightsaber and turned it on. Nothing. Try again. Nothing.

I stopped and looked at the girls. "Oh for phark's sake who stole the batteries from the Lightsaber?" I said. No-one owned up to it but I had no time to discuss it. There were spares in the Panzer and we quickly put them in.

"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" the magic lightsaber came on as a third harpoon missed us by inches.

"Lamb throw a 100m rope over the front of the gun and tie a truckies knot" I screamed just as the "Ghostrider" dumped a missile on one of the whalers. We had one less boat to worry about anyway. Shame those gay boys weren't thinking a bit earlier.

I tied the other end of the rope around my waist and ran back to the other side of the bridge. Without warning I ran back past the Panzer, leapt off the bridge and into the air. I was aimed straight at the remaining whaler with my lightsaber in front of me. The fourth harpoon was launched and just missed me. I didn't have time to worry about if it was going to hit the bridge, girls or the Panzer. I was flying in the air along the side of the whaler cutting it with my saber hoping the rope would pull me up soon. The next thing the ship started to roll sideways. The gash I'd made was about 20m long and it was obviously enough.

Luckily the rope pulled me up too late and I had flown past the sinking whaler and into the water. The Sea Shepherd came past and picked me up as I untied myself.

"WOO HOO!!" I screamed excitedly as I jumped on deck. I looked up and Princess Leah, Lamb and Duke had their shirts off and were standing on the top of the Panzer.

Lamb grabbed her megaphone and said "Lukie this is one for you!!". Next thing Elvis Presley "Burning Love" belted out from the Panzer music system and the girls were goin' off!!

Lord almighty,
Im burning a hole where I lay
Cause your kisss lift me higher
Like the sweet song of a choir
You light my morning sky
With burning love
With burning love
Ah,ah,burning love
Im just a hunk,a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk of burning love

The Sea Shepherd Captain said to me "You've got some mighty fine women in your squadron, Lukie". "And let's not forget to appreciate their bazookas" I said as I stood admiring them dancing on the Panzer.

I was back in the land of the living. My mental scars were healing and I was ready to rock. Thanks Lamb, Princess Leah and Dukie.

THE TREE HOUSE ROCKS!!

Games on Girls!!

2008-01-18T23:08:00.000+10:00

"Sooriously" said Lamb as Princess Leah passed her another Chombard and Lemonade, "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy". Lamb was in the hot tub in the nude and Princess Leah was admiring her fiery italian eyes.

Wilco and Billy Bragg were playing in the background and we were all relaxing.

I was sucking on a very long Gin and Tonic and trying to stay right out of this conversation.

"Lukie, what do you think about this?" asked Duke immediately as she knew I was being quiet for a reason. "Mmmmm mentally scarred- don't go there girls". I replied.

I told Lamb that I was firmly of the opinion that whilst every woman in Brisbane wanted to jump in the hot tub with her, they were all scared off by the ever-present AK-47. "Well it's part of me and they have to get used to it".

Lamb was going to have to make her mind up about that as she said "I just want to sweep a woman off her feet."

"Only because it is much easier when they are horizontal" replied Duke as she opened another can of rocket fuel for herself.

I was laughing my butt off at this banter and it was nice to all be home and chilling out. I didn't care who was after us as the Tree House was safe, clean and we were all together. Lamb was making a big risotto for us for dinner later and we'd eat together.

Duke had a friend, "Baby", coming over who she had saved from another tribe at the Parallel Universe. A few months ago, the "Cunning Linguists" had Baby in the back of the Inferno Bar and were hitting on her pretty hard about the fact she came from Sydenee. The jungle can be a bit cliquey sometimes. We were having a latte at "the Flat White" when Duke heard about a girl in trouble at the Parallel Universe. Duke raced the Beast through the front door, grabbed Baby and threw her on the back. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" said Duke as she screamed back out to The Flat White where we were all having a latte. Yee haa! Baby lived on the other side of town and we let her come over every now and then for a feast. Generally when Baby is over we put on Kylie Minogue and do the "Salsa" on the back deck.

Lamb told me I had to see the funny side of the Panzer beach incident as it was hysterical. I had to admit I had to chill out, stop worrying, stop working so hard and get back into life. And the mentally scarred bit had to go as well as Princess Leah was intent on making me get back into one of my life's great pashn's- women.

The Telegraph Cucumber started ringing and old Hells Bells was on the line. "What da ya want?" said a Chombard soaked Lamb.

"Well Lamb, Ive got some news for you girls and you aint gonna like it" said Bella.

All we heard next was "ohhh my gooord, are you pharkn sooorious?" as Lamb leapt from the tub, grabbed her AK-47 and started running down the hall naked with a gun and a cucumber in her hands. If it wasnt so soorious it would have been funny.

Lamb dropped the cucumber and turned back to us and said "The Japanese Whaling Society know that Baby is on her way over here and they think they will capture us there when we pick her up to blindfold her- at the top of the Pass".

Duke looked at me and said "What the phark have we done to them?". I wasn't sure but one thing I hoped was that recent conversations with Cap'n Dyke- Pirate Queen- didn't mean we were suddenly going to be fighting for even more causes- including those of the ocean. Holy shit.

"Games on girls!!!" shouted Princess Leah as she "shotgunned" a can of beer. Down in one mouthful. She threw on her bikini and jungle boots, shotgunned another can of beer and grabbed the Panzer keys.

I could see Duke was ready for a biff as well. She threw on her leather jacket and aviator glasses and grabbed a belt full of grenades.

Lamb disappeared to get some kit on. Downstairs I could hear the Panzer warming up. I ran downstairs and jumped in- I had a few cans of Gin and Tonic to put inside the fridge. Princess Leah screamed at Dukie to bring her a 6-pack of Corona and some lemons and a knife.

"Pharkn hell are we fighting a war or going to a party?" screamed Duke as she turned up with a carton of beer. "Be prepared" she said as she dropped the beer in the top of the tank and then started the Beast. Dukie would race off first and do a "recci" and wait for the Panzer.

Well what happened next was a classic moment of jungle warfare. Lamb came down dressed in fishnet stockings, a black leather skirt that barely covered her waist, boots and a leather vest.

She jumped on the top of the Panzer straddling the gun, AK-47 over the shoulder and hair flowing.

Princess Leah quickly flicked the CD onto "If I Could Turn Back Time" from Cher at full volume and we started up the hill.

Lamb screamed back with "I always wanted to be the captain of the Sea Shepherd". .

There is one thing about living with these babes- life is never dull.

Monkey Business

2008-01-18T16:46:00.000+10:00

"Sooriously, where the hell are you?" belted out Lamb.

"Im in Adelaide airport darling" I said as I tried to reconcile her excitement with my state.I was completely overwhelmed by the day I'd just had. I'd dealt with the banks by email and phone and maybe we had it under control. I thought I was going to be able to relax.

"Well I am telling you I just looked at the web at "The Vibe" and "The Jungle Juice" and it appears our girls have been up to some sooorious monkey business" Lamb retorted whilst obviously trying not to piss her pants. Lamb was still in Darwin waiting for her plane to take her home.

"Well Lamb I don't give a phlying phark" I said.

Apparently I should as Duke and Leah had been smoking up a storm. The Panzer had been recommended to us as something that could be taken into saltwater. The girls had decided to test it out and drove it to the Gold Coast for some circle work on Main Beach.

I knew I was about to arrive home and see the Tree House in a state that I would not be able to cope with and probably more of the local constabulary on the lookout for us. I had 3 hrs to kill on a plane home before the girls picked Lamb and I up together in the Post Van.

I was thinking I'd pack away my laptop, get stuck into the G and T and start planning the next jungle adventure. It was too much to let these girls into civilisation too often.

We had to get busy again, take on another mission and get ourselves occupied. Too much spare time sends these girls crackers. And for shits sake, I'm the one who's supposed to be mental.

Anyway hello woman in uniform- you can be my air mistress for the next 3 hrs. One Gin and Tonic with extra ice please. Ive got a big job to do when I get home.

See you soon girls.

Luke

XXXXXX

How much can a koala bear?

2008-01-16T18:59:00.000+10:00

"You know I'll never forgive myself if any of you got hurt" I said as I poured another drum of HCl into my makeshift boiler. It's not that I mind Princess Leah and Duke lying naked in their hammocks watching me work, but I was starting to get soooriously concerned about the O, H and S implications of my rather primitive jungle lab.

I was under so much pressure with dealing with the council over the Panzer tearing up roads, the banks, the bad vibes from the editors of the local rags and not to mention my conscience with producing an outdated and unregistered chemical. If the government knew what we were up to out here they wouldn't be happy. I was thinking my brain was on overload and I didn't want to make a mistake that hurt anyone- especially those I loved so much.

But we weren't about to get sucked into Monsanto's advertising and propaganda for only using more expensive and modern chemistries for insect control and becoming more reliant on them. I had to keep this jungle lab operational and safe.

I was working on gradually converting the villages over to softer Integrated Pest Management (IPM) strategies using only natural pyrethrins for mosquito control. Princess Leah had been teaching the villagers to grow Chrysanthemums that we could extract the natural pyrethrin from.

I was also worried about local bird populations as the DDT was affecting eggshell thickness according to the latest research to hit the "Labia". I wanted safety signage up saying "Laboratory- Stay Clear"- Duke painted me up a sign that just said "Labia- Come in Here". Funny if this wasn't so sooorious.

I requested that Princess Leah and Duke go inside and put some kit on and get the Post van ready. We had to load it up with this latest batch of chemical and drop it off over at the elders place for distribution.

After that we had to make it to Brisbane airport incognito to drop Lamb off. She was flying to tropical Darwin to use her engineering expertise helping with protein production for the natives up there. It seemed that we were becoming more of a consulting outfit everyday. The following day I was off to Adelaide to work on environmental issues for the tree croppers down there. Right now we had a job in getting through the Quarter safely to see Lamb off.

Knowing the trouble we were having getting around unnoticed after the Panzer incident at the Parallel Universe, I sent Princess Leah and Duke off to find transport that would get us anywhere relatively safely. Well knock me over with a feather if they didn't come up with the goods. Once again, the safest option is don't ask how they did it.

They turned up in an Australia Post van the next day.

So the girls got their "Postie" uniforms on and we packed the drums in the back. Lamb was ready with her suit bag and laptop and AK-47.

We travelled safely to the local elders and dropped the drums off. All the little kids came running as they knew who we were. Princess Leah and Duke had given them a ride in the van after they picked it up and were on their way back to the Tree House.

Then we headed off to the airport and travelled safely through the Quarter. Lamb had her AK-47 hidden under the back seat. With all the security in place at the airport we couldn't let her take it on the plane. We knew she'd be safe as Bella had organised Maverick and Goose to escort her QANTAS plane to Darwin. Not that we liked QANTAS as they had lost my beautiful TREK bicycle twice between Brisbane, Perth and Melbourne a few months ago. Sometimes in Australia we just have to deal with a lack of competition and bad service.

And so we headed back to the Tree House. We were all busted and I had to have a sleep before heading off to that desert called South Australia. At least my best mate, Fat Slag, would be down there in Adelaide to have a few Coopers Pale Ales with (the one with the green label). Slaggos has a PhD from London University specialising in agricultural and developmental economics and she always opens my mind up to new things on how to help the local villagers.

I knew that Lamb would be safe with Maverick and Goose. I'd be happy and safe in South Australia.

My only concern now was getting our assets and liabilities and cashflow to the banks in 48 hrs to extend our finance and even more worrying- Duke and Princess Leah would be left in the Tree House unsupervised for that time.

I decided to just sleep and for once in my life and just not pharkin worry.

Whatever will be, will be.

When Leah and I were Little

2008-01-14T22:28:00.000+10:00

It is an amazing thing when an organisation like Medicines Sans Frontiers agrees to work in a little jungle village. I can say that it changed my life and those around me.

When I was little I used to just run through the jungle with little care for who I was or who lived near me. A game of cricket where I'd get 5 for 20 off my 10 overs was my life.

Then someone said I had to put some clothes on and head into the local medical station and get a needle. I was worried about the needle- but where was I going to get the clothes from?

So these two wonderful doctors turned up- a married man and a woman- to vaccinate all the kids in our village.

And they had a little kid about my age and she was heaps of fun. Well she was just ok at the time but she was obviously looking for some fun.

I got my needles and then said to her that she should come and play with us in the jungle. Well didn't she want to play with me!! I was only 8 for gods sake.

Princess Leah turned up with her title already in place. She was a princess and had a good life ahead of her. Every year her parents would come back and work in the village and Princess Leah would come with them.

One year we were rafting down the Mighty River and Princess Leah looked at me and said "I want to come and live here- I want you to be my Luke Skywalker". I didn't know who Luke Skywalker was as Id never been outside 4064 but I knew it must have been important.

We were only 13 at the time. We discussed it with her parents and they were quite happy. I think they saw my desire to create a better world as in tune with their philosophies and this would be a good experience for their Princess. To tell you the truth I dont think they thought she'd last.

Every year they still come back to the village and we let them come up to the Tree House. They have to be blindfolded as well as no-one is allowed to know where we live and they accept that. They know I often put their only daughter into difficult situations but she is a true warrior and far more competent in battle than I ever could be.

Leah and her parents found the money to help put me through my PhD. I did it on protecting locals from malaria using modern synthetic chemicals. I don't feel good about the synthetic chemicals now but the villagers call on me for all sorts of chemistry related things. I know I save lives and it gives me great pleasure as the incidence of malarial related deaths declines every year in our village and in surrounds. Lamb keeps the chart on her wall as she says it makes her happier than anything else in life.

Anyway the Princess and I are mates for life. Duke and Lamb as well- but I know what Princess Leah did for me. She is a selfless giver and I love her for that.

The Big Clean Up

2008-01-14T21:35:00.000+10:00

After a couple of hours in the stretcher I woke up and decided that something had to be done with the Tree House.

I walked out and thought I'd have to wake everyone up. It turned out Lamb was sitting on the deck going through budgets and in sooorious thought. I love the fact that Lamb instinctively knows when Im suffering from stress and just digs in.

I could hear the rustle downstairs and knew Duke and Princess Leah were working on the Panzer. It's another thing I don't have to think about- the artillery-as Duke and the Princess just make sure it is all well oiled.

So I emerged with some serious bedhead and looking unglamorous. Princess ran up the stairs and screamed "she's pharkin ready for another mission".

We knew we couldn't head out yet but the Panzer was ready. Princess had a little bikini and her jungle boots on and she was covered in mud and grease. I looked at Lamb and told her to get her eyes back into her head. Jesus Christ the Princess was one of us and there is no going there.

I said to everyone we have 2 hrs to clean the place up before we could lay around in the afternoon sun. Lamb fixed the vacuum cleaner and then looked after the lounge room. We loaded up the CD stacker with "Bonnie Prince Billy". After we'd exhausted all of his tunes we put REM Live DVD on our huge LCD TV. It was beautiful.

We got the Tree House polished and spiffy in no time at all.

Princess Leah then made a great stir-fry for dinner and we sat on the back deck of the Tree House and enjoyed each other's company. And after all that is what it is about- great people, great food and laughter.

Duke had a babe chasing her and we let her out for the night. As long as she doesn't let anyone come in without a blindfold or let them know where we live it is ok.

The morning after the night before

2008-01-14T17:47:00.000+10:00

We were all laying on the back lounges deciding what we'd do for the day when the Telegraph Cucumber started ringing. We knew it would be Bella ringing to apologise for the lack of information last night.

Duke answered "Treehouse, Duke speaking". She winked as of course it was Bella as she is the only person who has our number.

She passed it straight to me as Bella was obviously her usual hurried and abrupt self.

"Luke you better lay low for a while as the shit is really hitting the fan over here in the Quarter" said Bella.

I responded with "well we aint in much of a state to get out and about today Bells- we let Princess Leah make the Long Island Ice Tea last night and there seems to be some empty bottles on the deck ".

Bells had a bit of a laugh as she'd had Princess Leah over for a slumber party before where Princess had introduced her to the marvelous cocktail.

Apparently the Zinger Breasts were really off their bananas and to add to our pain Brisbane City Council were looking for us as we destroyed a few roads last night in the Panzer.

Just at this time Lamb bought me a beautiful coffee and sat down beside me to listen in.

I motioned to Duke to open up the internet and have a look at "The Jungle Juice" website. Our antics were splashed all over the front page. Then she flicked over to "The Vibe" and we were there too. The Jungle Juice is the local jungle news website. The Viberator ("The Vibe" for short) is the daily lesbian newspaper. The editors of both are mates of ours and tend to give us good publicity- but not today. We were being painted as sooorious trouble.

I spoke to Bella for a few minutes and told her we'd keep off the streets for a while. The Tree House needed cleaning so that would take a few days. Duke and Princess Leah needed to get the service manual out for the Panzer and have a go. Lamb had a few days of budgets to get through. We were in go-slow mode right now and to tell you the truth we needed a break so it was ok.

I put the Telegraph Cucumber down and said "girls- we are on domestic duties for a while yet as we cant possibly go back onto the streets".

We laid down on the lounges and reflected on a pretty amazing night. We were safe, as what ever happened the locals wouldn't give us up and would protect us to the death.

I gave Lamb a massage and she fell asleep in my arms. I gently laid her down on the lounge and went into the Tree House, headed to my camp stretcher for a brains relaxation of my own. On the way I passed Princess Leah and gave her a quick kiss and hug and told her whatever happened she had to be proud. We hooked up as kids with an ambitious social agenda and phark we were doing it. It is moments like this that make you reflect on who you are and why you do what you do.

I love you Princess.

The Parallel Universe. Part 2.

2008-01-13T19:34:00.001+10:00

"Requesting clearance for tower fly-by" said Duke as we rode into the Parallel Universe at top speed.

"Negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full" came back from the tower. Duke gets pissed off when we are mistaken for our Navy flying mates, Maverick and Goose. A squadron we might be, but that is only for naming convenience. We are definitely a land based fighting unit. The "Beast" just happens to fly when Duke is at the controls.

Duke couldnt help herself and did three laps inside the Parallel Universe before we all fell off laughing. Everyone was glad to see their guerrilla fighting mates from 4064.

Holy Shit I'm thinking as we have only had a coffee. Tonight is going to go right off as we get back into civilisation. Well if that is what you call it as the UN peacekeepers had only just started to rebuild the Chinese Quarter. This was years after we had picked up Lamb after the last lot of destruction. It proves how dangerous this territory is.

We were all happily dancing when Colonel Slanders and her clan (the "Finger Lickin Good Zinger Breasts") strutted in. Luckily the bouncers picked up the weapons at the door or it probably would have been carnage from the time we laid eyes on each other. In the dark back bar of the Parallel Universe neither of us were aware of the others presence for a good while.

"Soooriously" said Lamb as she exited the front bar of the Parallel Universe, "I'm sure Colonel Slanders just turned up as I could smell those greasy drumsticks from a mile off".

I told everyone to be calm as Bella would have informed us if that sort of trash was in town tonight. And lets face it- Colonel Slanders only said bad words about us and we'd managed to escape and outrun and out think every ridiculous word they'd thrown at us.

It was no secret that us and the Colonel Slanders tribe just didn't get on. We fought for social equality and inclusion and they just fought for women to take back to their bunkers and turn into sex slaves. We had secured Duke from their camp in a trade for a bucket of Gin that Princess Leah and I had fermented using wild Juniper Berries and a still I had constructed from left over research equipment. Duke is such a top bird with a heart of gold and we knew she wanted to join our cause. But with Duke being such a great performer and leader of charitable causes now at the Tree House we knew we'd never be forgiven.

The fact that Duke and Princess Leah had the Panzer was really pissing off Captain Slanders- at least Bella had passed that information on to us.

And so we waited to see if it was true that the Zingers were here. Then the smell engulfed the "Inferno Bar" at the Parallel Universe. The "Inferno Bar" was labelled after Princess Leah let off a flamethrower at midnight on New Years Eve 3 years ago and took out 3 toilets and the entire contents of the spirits section of the bar. It was a riot that we are proud of.

As the smell got stronger and stronger we knew we were in trouble. I told everyone to split up and keep in contact via SMS. Before we knew it, Colonel Slanders and the Zingers had Duke holed up and asking about her social convictions. I was pissed off but I knew we'd have to deal with this in a calm and calculated manner. I told Princess and Lamb to stay away and I'd head in and negotiate.

Well, didn't the pooh hit the Mistral at that point. "No Luke we are sick of your negotiating and promises" said the Colonel, " we got your gin and it was less than 37% alcohol and we're taking her back". I couldn't believe we'd fkd up on that titration as I'm a well respected chemist. I thought we cant argue with that now- we just have to dig in.

Colonel Slanders said "tell us if you've got the Leopard Panzer and if we can lease off you at 12% with a balloon of 40% over 8 years and we might release her". I knew she hadn't named the price -only the payment terms- so I thought here was my chance to start the negotiations.

I was desperately trying to get to Lamb and Princess Leah whilst I was thinking of the price but they were MIA. Shit, I thought. And where the fuck are Maverick and Goose- those gay boys always let you down in a lesbian fire fight.

Next thing the whole side wall of the Parallel Universe fell over. The Inferno Bar was completely lost in a big mother of a green machine. I took cover and grabbed Duke and pulled her aside. If their was one woman I could save straight away it was Duke.

We looked up as the dust cleared to see Lamb hanging out the top of the Panzer with a megaphone. She must have signed the lease agreement in a hurry and picked up the keys. Princess Leah must be inside as she was the only one with a licence to drive heavy vehicles.

"radrizzili che i limoni lasciano il mio lukie ed il dukie andare e noi risparmieranno le donne in thebar. se venite dopo che noi noi prendiamo tutte le vostre altre donne e le incitiamo a falciare il nostro prato ed a renderci il gin ed il tonico per il loro resto delle loro vite" came through loud and clear.

Oh shit I thought- Lamb always reverts to Italian when she is under pressure.

Roughly translated she said the following:

"Right you lemons let my Lukie and Dukie go and we will spare the women in the bar. If you come after us we will take all your other women and make them mow our lawn and make us Gin and Tonic for their rest of their lives."

I grabbed Duke and we jumped onto the top of the tank and Lamb pulled us in.

We raced home to the Tree House. Leah drove. We dropped Duke off to pick up the beast at the car park.

All the way home in the Panzer, Princess Leah had "Peaches" on. Cool. When we got home Duke had Leonard Cohen on in the Tree House.

We didn't realise it but Duke had grabbed 3 bottles of Gin and 3 of Vodka in the dust and dark and had them lined up for us when we returned.

We pulled the lounges out and lit the DDT infused incense sticks and slept on the back deck of the Tree House that night. All cuddled up and knowing we were safe.

Lamb and I had a quick discussion on the whole issue of financing the Panzer and our Capex budget but agreed we'd talk to the accountants the next day. We don't know depreciation schedules on jungle warfare stuff and we might be better buying than leasing but we can change it easily enough.

Duke and Princess Leah were already asleep after planning the next days attack on the magnetic white board.

We knew what we had to do and we were ready for the next battle.

Sleep well, all of us social warriors fighting against the dark forces of evil. Another weekend in the jungles of 4064 is over.

Lukie
XXXXX

The Parallel Universe. Part 1.

2008-01-12T21:23:00.000+10:00

So we knew we had to head into town and visit the Brains Trust and maybe bust a move on the dancefloor. Whilst the trip was recorded in our travel logs as "reconnaissance" for tax purposes we all know what was really going on.

We'd been in the jungle for way too long and the girls were getting restless. We'd have to leave the treehouse with the PC's for the night.

I notice Princess Leah was putting the police uniform on as I walked past her room. I swear I don't know how she manages to find her cot most nights in that debacle. Anyway that shirt generally means big trouble is on the way. "You'll be keeping them bazooka's tucked away tonight with the safety catch on won't you, Princess" I said as I stopped to admire her eyes. Duke just looked at Princess Leah and together they smiled back at me- "we will use those weapons as our surprise element" they were thinking simultaneously. They have yet to work out I can read their minds.

Typically we head into town on Duke's beast. On nights when we think there will be some sweet action coming home with us we might catch the 375 into town or possibly even a rickshaw. Then we pick up a coffee from Bella to get us some early buzz and hear the word on the street. After we know it's safe we'll head to the Parallel Universe.

I reinforced to everyone the need to behave. Bella had sent us a message through the Telegraph Cucumber that the word on the street is that Princess Leah and Duke had managed to find a Leopard Panzer tank on the black market and everyone is as jealous as all shit. Lamb and I were busy trying to finance and insure it. We couldn't handle any discussion of this whilst everything was so delicately balanced.

I told them no causing trouble and if anyone does corner you tell them we've been on eBay and we're just looking like everyone else is.

So finally I had everyone ready and we decided we'd all hang off Duke's beast into town. On our way into town for a night out Princess always wants to sit facing me with her legs wrapped around me behind Duke. It is my perfume I think and I just let her do what she wants - Duke says its allright as long as she sits still. Lamb sat on the fuel tank with her wild hair blowing in the wind and her AK-47 strung over her shoulder.

We were looking good and smelling pertty after all those months working hard in the jungle and sun and then having a hot tub at the Treehouse before we headed out.

We stopped at The Flat White and caught up with Bella. The word was still out- we had the Panzer and the other chicks weren't happy. How on earth do we get all the good deals? Well its pretty simple but I'm not about to let it our here.

We sat and enjoyed our latte. Oh god that is good I thought to myself. I told Lamb she'd have to get in there and play havoc with Bella's mind and pay her in sexual favours. If the banks were going to be pricks about getting our cash back and we still had to finance the Panzer we needed to be creative.

After she'd paid for the 4 latte's we jumped back onto the beast and Duke gunned it down to the Parallel Universe.

And what happened next would be enough to make you want to join the Liberal party, get a husband with a law degree, a McMansion and BMW X-5 and 3 rug rats to go with it. I thought these girls had put us into slippery situations before- but this was soooorious.

The Lamb Part 2.

2008-01-12T20:47:00.000+10:00

So we arrived home after 4 minutes ride holding on to Duke and her "Beast". Princess Leah sits on the handlebars most rides as she is gorgeous AND fearless . Duke takes the controls and I sit facing backwards with my rifle poised.

Today we all had to hold our new captive under our left arms as we couldn't get her onto the seat between Duke and I. Like a missile strapped onto the side of a plane. We had Miss Italy (we thought she was Italian as that ripped shirt of hers had a Lamborgini symbol on the front) laying along the side and we held her all nice and snug. Don't know how Dukie used the clutch on that bike but she's strong and good.

We quickly rode in under the treehouse and Miss Italy jumped off and straight away started searching the bushes for Charlie's. We grabbed her and took her into the house and started trying to work out how we were going to get into her pants or her head or both.

After a few hours we realised that if we could overcome this language barrier we'd have a warrior who has THE can opener for the biggest can of whoop ass we'd ever see. "WO WO WARRIOR". She has the scars to prove it. Got taken by a pig in the jungles up North and it fair ripped her stomach out. She sowed herself up and has been eating what she could hunt every hr since to keep herself alive.

Anyway we had alot of work to do if we were going to communicate effectively and find out the truth about that scar (I made up that story about the pig by the way).

I came across the idea of using the internet translation services. Free online. It would be fine when we're in the tree house using our work connection (4 Billion Gigabytes per Nanosecond) or even in the jungle as long as we could get good service for our Telstra 3-G network card. "That would be as difficult as turning pig shit into ice cream", said Princess Leah, "as Telstra suck". Leah was a bit "anti-big corporation" sometimes but I had to admit she was perfectly right. That's the thing I love most about Princess Leah actually- she is always right. And she's gorgeous and fearless.

Anyway it worked- my idea thanks.We decided we'd call Miss Italy "Lamb", as short for Lamborgini. Over time we came to rely less on the internet and more on our heads. Every now and then we still get online but mostly she is a fair dinkum aussie kind of chick. She fkn rocks.

We put her through engineering school at uni where she beat all the boys in arm wrestles and learnt lots of engineering stuff. And now she is 4064's resident engineer. We love you lamb.

All Banks are Bastards

2008-01-12T20:03:00.000+10:00

Lately we have been hearing news of some kind of subprime mortgage crisis in the good old US of A. Yesterday one of the natives ran past on his way into the harsh interior to tell us that Citibank was looking for refinancing options. Citibank? No-one is immune from this one.

Well I'll be pharked if it hasn't hit jungle already.

The banks have been sending us smoke signals telling of interest rate rises and they are closing down small village shops and taking some of the huts back. Well I don't care and we'll fight to the death for us and our business.

We might be on credit for a while at the Parallel Universe and we'll do the dishes at the Flat White but I'll be fkd if Im giving the bank back their money until I'm good and ready.

They will not accept a veritable artillery of weapons as security- as per usual. Some kind of thing about their databases not capable of holding weapons descriptions. Try some imagination you bastards! The rest of the world (thanks to the good old US of A as well) is financed by or through weapons trading. Oh yeah and there's a bit of oil in there as well. Do we honestly think corn and sugar are the commodities anymore?

Good old slippery Johnny Howard has run from this mess and I hope all the villagers have a long memory of his mismanagement and censorship when next we pass out the how to vote cards.

In Kevin we trust. Maxine is pretty hot as well.

Which Bank? Who cares they are all a pack of bastards.

The Lamb. Part 1.

2008-01-12T16:10:00.000+10:00

Duke, Princess Leah and I were hanging out on the back deck of the tree house a few wars ago discussing our favourite coffee barista when we decided we needed a fix. With all of the hiding we'd been forced into because of Leah's wayward flame throwing we hadn't had a good dose of Di Bella for what seemed an eternity.

We arrived at the Chinese Quarter to a scene reminiscent of one of Leah's misadventures. It was obvious we weren't the only girls with access to the Brisbane City Council's arsenal of blackmarket contraband. Luckily the Parallel Universe and the Flat White were still standing. Every other house in the valley had been torched and their were naked girls lying dead in the street. I told Leah that I would lose all respect for her if she didn't keep her hands in her pockets- these girls cant defend themselves for god's sake.

At least the bitches that did this have some respect for coffee and beer. I suggested to Duke that it was an obvious trap and we need to get the flock outta there and back into the jungle. Leaving the only 2 establishments that the 4064 frequent is a classic tactic of jungle warfare. They are just waiting to ambush us.

And then we saw her.

I looked across the street to see the most beautiful woman in torn jeans and shirt and an AK-47 over her shoulder standing calmly drinking a mocha soy latte with a twist of Red Bull. She obviously didn't speak any English but that was the last thing that mattered to us.

Quickly I told Leah to get over there and do whatever it took to get her back to the treehouse. I don't know what she did and in most cases I turn a blind eye when Leah comes up with the goods. Some things are better left unknown.

Next thing I knew we were all on Duke's bike and getting the flock back to the hills. We'd work out what to do with our latest catch when we got home. My my, she sure is pretty though.

Soooriously

2008-01-12T15:54:00.000+10:00

"Sooriously" started Lamb from out of nowhere as we entered the tree house for the first time in months. "If we have just fought hard for the removal of John Winston Howard, do we really need to keep this tribadism warfare thing going? Im busted."

I looked across at Princess Leah and I knew what she was thinking.English isn't the first language of Lamb and we always tried to correct her gently. "Baby it is tribal warfare- not tribadism warfare" threw in Leah as she dropped a gentle kiss on Lamb's greasy, muddied forehead.

Regardless of the language issues, even I had to admit she had a point. We had just spent years fighting our biggest battle against one of the dark forces of evil, we were out of Gin AND Tonic, the tree house needed a clean and we were slipping back into that climate of sub-tropical thunderstorms every afternoon. It made for one giant fkn mudheap most days.

I looked across at Duke and could see she was pained by Lamb's comments. It wasn't as if Lamb would ever give in but she obviously needed a holiday.

I suggested that what we need is to maybe head up to the "Parallel Universe" and let fly with a few beers and a big steak. We'd been hiding out for too long and eating whatever the local villagers could supply us with. It was time we took a risk and headed into town, maybe to see the Brains Trust and get ourselves some liquor.