"Holy Pharkn big hole in the ground " screamed Lamb as we turned up at the Ten Ways. There was a massive crater where Mav and Goose had dropped a torpedo and left a heap of mining executives wandering around in a daze. Their limousines had the windows blown out and they were all wandering out over the road with their ties around their heads all bloodied and broken.
We crept past. Well as much as you can creep past in a Leopard Panzer tank.
"No sympathy, Long Hop" screamed Dukie as Long Hop looked in disbelief and obviously wanted to get out and help.
We kept going past them as we knew we had to get home and see if their were more at the Tree House.
We arrived at the Tree House to see Lazarus sitting down with a bunch of fat bastards with cheque books. I knew I would have to negotiate.
Before I had the chance Lamb was screaming "get out girls" as she let spray with 300 or so rounds from the AK-47. The gunfire took a heap of the liquid lunchers out but she was so accurate as to miss Lazarus. He stood up with a smile. "Ive been playing them like a lawyer from the city, girls" he said.
Long Hop jumped out with her cricket bat and held it high. Some of the bastards recognised her and held their hands up straight away. "Aren't you famous with the ball missy" one of them said laughing. Immediately Long Hop belted him over the arse for being so patronising. He sat right down- well sat on his side as I imagined his arse would be mighty sore.
Honoruru jumped over the edge of the Pantser and raced into the Tree House and grabbed all of her rope from the Casting Couch. "Have no fear girls, I can tie a knot that will hold anyone up". I didn't want to know what that was all about.
We crept past. Well as much as you can creep past in a Leopard Panzer tank.
"No sympathy, Long Hop" screamed Dukie as Long Hop looked in disbelief and obviously wanted to get out and help.
We kept going past them as we knew we had to get home and see if their were more at the Tree House.
We arrived at the Tree House to see Lazarus sitting down with a bunch of fat bastards with cheque books. I knew I would have to negotiate.
Before I had the chance Lamb was screaming "get out girls" as she let spray with 300 or so rounds from the AK-47. The gunfire took a heap of the liquid lunchers out but she was so accurate as to miss Lazarus. He stood up with a smile. "Ive been playing them like a lawyer from the city, girls" he said.
Long Hop jumped out with her cricket bat and held it high. Some of the bastards recognised her and held their hands up straight away. "Aren't you famous with the ball missy" one of them said laughing. Immediately Long Hop belted him over the arse for being so patronising. He sat right down- well sat on his side as I imagined his arse would be mighty sore.
Honoruru jumped over the edge of the Pantser and raced into the Tree House and grabbed all of her rope from the Casting Couch. "Have no fear girls, I can tie a knot that will hold anyone up". I didn't want to know what that was all about.
Princess Leah raced inside and grabbed all of her feather boa's and dress-up gear to get them all photgraphed in precarious positions. I informed them all that we weren't the US Army and this wasn't Iraq and we wouldn't be making anyone do anything like that.
The girls rounded the rest of them up anyway and tied them up. I could see Dukie just wanted their Limousine to add to the stable of Tree House Transporters. I thought that was a justifiable activity.
We had 20 big fat men that we had to now deal with. What to do with them?
Honoruru could see instantly an outcome and it was way beyond what I could do in my anger. These guys had used their cheque books to find us and I wasn't happy. I could have let Long Hop take to them with the cricket bat and Princess Leah wanted to line them and let Lamb use them for target practice.
"So this is the story boys" Honoruru started. "We will let you go if make some serious promises that involve money, medicine and education. You let us stay here and manage the project, you get the phark outta here and we let you live. You will never report the location of the Tree House. There are many of your fellow Chief Operating and Financial Officers that we just killed down at the Ten Ways and aren't able to join negotiations with you." At this point I was bewildered but really knew what she was doing. Half of the fat bastards pissed their pants and then they all agreed in fear. We hadn't killed anyone but it was a nice threat.
Mav and Goose went over at that point and let another bomb fall in the jungle and they really knew we were serious.
They were all in negotiating mode.
Dukie and Princess Leah jumped in and said "and we want that limo converted to biodiesel Honururu" simulataneously. The fat bastards all nodded in unison. How easy was this going to be?
Just at that time Blondie turned up and whispered to me that everyone back at the Ten Ways had been sent to Royal Brisbane Womens Hospital for treatment.
I pulled Lazarus aside and he told me he knew they were coming and was holding them off. Apparently they had offered a few "mill" for sole rights to the land and gold and for the local villagers to evict us. They had some consultant generated word document on villager profile and what they could do to help. I flicked through it and it was the same old shit. No accountability- just pay the locals off and destroy the place.
I walked back in and said "by the way lads we need a new dance floor, a bigger still and a new cricket pitch."They all agreed wholeheartedly.
Honoruru was quick to grab her contract book and quickly whipped one out and Lamb reviewed it. She had Lazarus sign it and this meant it would be enforceable under Native Title legislation as well as everything else like Queensland and Commonwealth juristictions. I added a heap of clauses on carbon management and also included the RAMSAR wetland we had beside us and we'd have something under internationally recognised legislation as well. Princess Leah added the Heritage nature of the village buildings and that meant we had something the chardonnay soakers in town would care about as well.
Finally Dukie added a clause that "Force Majeure" meant that if she accidentally ran the Pantser through any of their offices in town we were not liable. It would be an accident of godly proportions. Dukie could always see herself as a god type figure and that was fine by us.
So we had a timeline of 5 years to develop this mine in a sustainable manner. 50% of production income was to go to the villagers. We didn't care about the Tree Housers as it wasn't our land. Lazarus was pissing himself laughing as the brothers turned up with Mick Dundee. Mick had just come down from Walkabout Creek and he was in fine form.
Dukie and Princess Leah gave him a big hug. They had met him whilst they were up North getting the lesbian zoo animals in the flood. Dukie started to cut the boys loose with her pocket knife. "That isn't a knife Dukie, this is a knife" he said as he pulled out his blade.
We all laughed. This guy should be in movies. He cut the rope of one of the executive fat bastards and they pissed themselves with fear again.
Mick told them he'd hunt them down from Brisvegas to New York if they dared to break the agreement. That kind of threat was worth more than any legislation.
There is no way this mine would be economical to develop with those caveats and they'd leave us alone for sure. Dukie threw the keys to the Priscila Bus to Mick and they all boarded and left with Mick driving. We wouldn't be hearing from them soon. As Mick left he said he'd drop them all off at the Parallel Universe. We laughed and quickly put in a call to the Freckles. They were dressed and ready for those boys.
The Tree Housers went out the back and onto the deck and we got stuck into the Gin, Scotch, 4064 Squadron beer and Princess and Lamb cooked us a feast.
Honoruru was awarded "Player of the Century" for her skills in tying knots around wrists and we all laughed ourselves stupid.
It goes to show that violence mixed with some soorious intellect will get you a long way.
I am very proud of the girls that make up the Tree Housers. And I am not being patronising Long Hop. Keep that cricket bat off my arse.
Lukie Skywalker.
XXXXX
Honoruru could see instantly an outcome and it was way beyond what I could do in my anger. These guys had used their cheque books to find us and I wasn't happy. I could have let Long Hop take to them with the cricket bat and Princess Leah wanted to line them and let Lamb use them for target practice.
"So this is the story boys" Honoruru started. "We will let you go if make some serious promises that involve money, medicine and education. You let us stay here and manage the project, you get the phark outta here and we let you live. You will never report the location of the Tree House. There are many of your fellow Chief Operating and Financial Officers that we just killed down at the Ten Ways and aren't able to join negotiations with you." At this point I was bewildered but really knew what she was doing. Half of the fat bastards pissed their pants and then they all agreed in fear. We hadn't killed anyone but it was a nice threat.
Mav and Goose went over at that point and let another bomb fall in the jungle and they really knew we were serious.
They were all in negotiating mode.
Dukie and Princess Leah jumped in and said "and we want that limo converted to biodiesel Honururu" simulataneously. The fat bastards all nodded in unison. How easy was this going to be?
Just at that time Blondie turned up and whispered to me that everyone back at the Ten Ways had been sent to Royal Brisbane Womens Hospital for treatment.
I pulled Lazarus aside and he told me he knew they were coming and was holding them off. Apparently they had offered a few "mill" for sole rights to the land and gold and for the local villagers to evict us. They had some consultant generated word document on villager profile and what they could do to help. I flicked through it and it was the same old shit. No accountability- just pay the locals off and destroy the place.
I walked back in and said "by the way lads we need a new dance floor, a bigger still and a new cricket pitch."They all agreed wholeheartedly.
Honoruru was quick to grab her contract book and quickly whipped one out and Lamb reviewed it. She had Lazarus sign it and this meant it would be enforceable under Native Title legislation as well as everything else like Queensland and Commonwealth juristictions. I added a heap of clauses on carbon management and also included the RAMSAR wetland we had beside us and we'd have something under internationally recognised legislation as well. Princess Leah added the Heritage nature of the village buildings and that meant we had something the chardonnay soakers in town would care about as well.
Finally Dukie added a clause that "Force Majeure" meant that if she accidentally ran the Pantser through any of their offices in town we were not liable. It would be an accident of godly proportions. Dukie could always see herself as a god type figure and that was fine by us.
So we had a timeline of 5 years to develop this mine in a sustainable manner. 50% of production income was to go to the villagers. We didn't care about the Tree Housers as it wasn't our land. Lazarus was pissing himself laughing as the brothers turned up with Mick Dundee. Mick had just come down from Walkabout Creek and he was in fine form.
Dukie and Princess Leah gave him a big hug. They had met him whilst they were up North getting the lesbian zoo animals in the flood. Dukie started to cut the boys loose with her pocket knife. "That isn't a knife Dukie, this is a knife" he said as he pulled out his blade.
We all laughed. This guy should be in movies. He cut the rope of one of the executive fat bastards and they pissed themselves with fear again.
Mick told them he'd hunt them down from Brisvegas to New York if they dared to break the agreement. That kind of threat was worth more than any legislation.
There is no way this mine would be economical to develop with those caveats and they'd leave us alone for sure. Dukie threw the keys to the Priscila Bus to Mick and they all boarded and left with Mick driving. We wouldn't be hearing from them soon. As Mick left he said he'd drop them all off at the Parallel Universe. We laughed and quickly put in a call to the Freckles. They were dressed and ready for those boys.
The Tree Housers went out the back and onto the deck and we got stuck into the Gin, Scotch, 4064 Squadron beer and Princess and Lamb cooked us a feast.
Honoruru was awarded "Player of the Century" for her skills in tying knots around wrists and we all laughed ourselves stupid.
It goes to show that violence mixed with some soorious intellect will get you a long way.
I am very proud of the girls that make up the Tree Housers. And I am not being patronising Long Hop. Keep that cricket bat off my arse.
Lukie Skywalker.
XXXXX
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